Hello and I think I'm in the funnel

Hi Y'all,

My name is Chris (Krika is a Brazilian endearment for Christine….) I am an alcoholic and have been in recovery for ten years.

I never did the AA program and once, on my three year anniversary, I went to a meeting and got called a dry drunk by someone who had never met me and had spoken with me for only about 3 minutes…. I never went back to another meeting. Besides the Lord's Prayer makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up (sorry- just not Christian).

This is not to say I think I became sober alone- I did therapy and I was given a gift. Anyone read William James “The Varieties of Religious Experience” ? I have heard this is a big AA book. Anyway, James talks  about conversion experience and in his hospital bed Bill W. read this book and recognized his healing experience as having been the classic conversion experience. So then, that's my story. Only I like to call mine a DE-conversion experience. I went from being sort of fundamentalist to a good old fashioned New  England Transcendentalist in the time honored manner of Thoreau, James, Emerson etc…. Bottom line- I have worked very, very hard these past ten years to grow and open my heart and be whole- through many different paths.

The only problem is ten years later for the first time since I was given this gift- I have been wishing I could drink. I have not. But I long to “take a break”.

 I know it is because of the changes in my life- huge big transformational changes, divorce, graduation from college after 4 years, moving out of my house to an apartment, no longer living with my children, never having supported myself in my 45 years of living and now facing that… the list goes on.

On the surface my life looks fabulous. My kids are older (21 & 17)  so no one thinks that my not living with them is a big deal- trust me- it is. I have the funkiest, sweetest, cheapest apartment in all of Boston. I just graduated from the Ivy League with a 3.8 GPA and may even end up at Harvard for grad school. While I am separated I am still wonderful friends with my ex.  A job fell into my lap with cool neighbors. I have no shortage of men asking me out. I have traveled to India to study Buddhism and Spain to hike  El Camino  De Santiago with my 21 year old- life is god damn good and still- I am scared to death and for the first time in TEN YEARS I wish I could drink- But I won't. I keep very, very busy, see my therapist weekly and have the best friends in the world (none of them really understand what it means to be sober though….) Guess that's not true. My friend Tina does. She lives far- in VT but she knows- I should ask her for help huh?

So this is the funnel- no?

Chris

Re: Hello and I think I'm in the funnel

beautiful krika…..
i was in the program for a good solid 5 or so years until i moved to another town and couldn’t seem to establish a solid home group in the new territory and life was exciting and filled and i drifted from meetings with no intention of stopping recovery….and went along very happily for about 8 years….and i wasn’t having a hard time or challenges but i became very curious….i had changed so much in the time i was clean [worked incredibly hard, experienced so much transformation]….i was really curious…was i an addict because i was or because i ‘said’ i was……
i was really curious if i could have a glass of wine with dinner…
so after 8 years clean i said…if the opportunity arises and it ‘feels’ right, i want to see…..and i waited and never felt that the time was right…and i went…well check that out…i guess i will just stay clean…..
one month short of nine years clean….i was having a wonderful dinner with a new girlfriend before a concert and the time felt right….and in the middle of the meal i asked her if she wanted to split a glass of wine….and she said ‘are you sure?’….and i really thought and felt deep about it….and i said yes….and we shared a glass of wine…and it was great…and i didn’t even really feel i got all that much of a buzz about it….and we went to the show and it was fabulous and majkl….and that was that…..and i said wow….that was cool….
a couple weeks later i had one beer with dinner…..
and maybe a week later i got completely drunk and ended up within a week smoking dope and cigarettes [which i had quit when i quit everything else and was more bummed about starting again than anything else….what a weirdo!]……and fell into an 8 month nightmare of pointless using before being given a spiritual awakening which gave me a second chance at real recovery…..
and that was 11 years ago last summer solstice…..

that first pill or drink or fix is a dark hole that will do nothing but take you into the void….

now i don’t know ….about what is your path or your recovery….i only have my own faith, hope & experience….and no advice to give to anyone….

but what i want to tell you is….
[ i have almost no experience of aa…just na]
working a program and staying clean is the fundamental root of my existence and i will do whatever it takes not to ever again take that first fix …….having a program is not about being clean….it is about because i am clean i am able to have the steps live in my life and i get to experience the gifts of recovery….
have you ever checked out an NA meeting….when they are at there best i love that they are about addiction and not a substance…..because i am and now know that i will always be…an addict…but now …because i am not channeling that addiction into a fix…i get to channel it into my creativity and my relationships….that intense focus and devotion……

and even though i am far from meetings [i live up in the mountains of oregon]…i still know i need the program in my life….whether it be participating in this pod, being a part of the loner group of NA…..
i want the steps….not because they keep me clean….but because they are such a fabuous way to live…and when i cultivate and nourish my recovery i get the greatest gift of all….a growing evolving conscious connection with a power greater than myself…which is leading, guiding & protecting me……

anyway….please please please please….addiction is the most patient monkey that ever lived and all it takes is one fix, pill, or drink and i am F&()ed!…and if you even have to give it a second thought i believe that the end result for you would be exactly what happended to me….and i wish that not even on my worst enemy [oh…what a minute…i don’t have any enemies!….oops]…..

anyway……majk & blessings upon you & your journey….
thanks for letting me share a bit with you…
and feel free to write more and stay clean another 24….

much love to you,
skye

Re: Hello and I think I'm in the funnel

Thank you Skye,

I do know that I can't take that first step, even though I have longed for the feeling of escape these past long months.

One thing I have found is that program or no- there are certain lessons that an addict just dosen't get to skip if they are truly in recovery. For me these past two years (since my beloved father-in-law died) it has been “one day at a time”. I tend to be a bit of a perfectionist with a desire to “control” my environment- guess what- total -complete- illusion.

My study of Buddhism and emptiness and equanimity has helped me get my head around this somewhat, a little. The idea that Nirvana and Samsara (death and constant rebirth-all life is suffering) are the same thing, captivity and release are one and the same- this life right here now- heaven or hell- all depending on how you look at it. Salvation is now, here in this moment. Period.

That means there is no “escape” or “time out”. Drinking and addiction is, at best, a collosal waste of human life- considered incredibly rare and precious in Hinduism (we all could have been bugs…) But living a really human life requires a great deal of courage- and that is hard. Escape is just a desire to cop out.

Anyway, like you, I had those- “well maybe I could have a little , half a glass” thoughts- maybe I really am not an addict…. but thankfully I have a pretty strong inner voice that I call my bullshit meter- (is this my higher power? maybe I should stop calling it a bullshit meter then….) but I know bloody well there is no first step for me- I don't drink. I can't drink. Not if I want to realy live and god I do want to really live….

Re: Hello and I think I'm in the funnel

krika….
thanks so much for your insights….i think that i also have a huge sensitivity to truth…and my biggest dissapointments when i was in my active using was that i would have this sense of Truth & proper Direction….and yet i could not for the life of me act on it….
that has been one of the most delicious gifts of recovery has been for me to have the courage and personal power to act on my Spirit’s guidance….

blessings on you and the challenges you face…which are really the most majkl of lessons…there for you to grow & evolve….as long as we stay clean this day….

please continue to share your faith, hope & experience…i will look forward to more sharing from you…..

majk & blessings,
skye

Re: Hello and I think I'm in the funnel

Love you, Chris.

Yours,

Clifton

Re: Hello and I think I'm in the funnel

Chris dear,

Whenever I find myself in this situation, I am moved to work the steps again.  As alcoholics, it is inevitable that, from time to time, the urge to drink (not the urge to return to the abject misery we once experienced) will arise.  For me, this is a sign that I have once again slipped from complacency to the “suffering” zone.  I pray for the willingness to return to the center of the path, identify what it is that I am not looking at that needs attention, and work the steps around it.  This always works.  The gratitude list is absolutely critical.  If I am not feeling grateful on a day-to-day basis, I grow complacent and move closer to the “event horizon” of suffering where the funnel can become inescapable.

It works if we work it.

yer pal,
Michael

Re: Hello and I think I'm in the funnel

As alcoholics, it is inevitable that, from time to time, the urge to drink (not the urge to return to the abject misery we once experienced) will arise.  For me, this is a sign that I have once again slipped from complacency to the “suffering” zone.  I pray for the willingness to return to the center of the path, identify what it is that I am not looking at that needs attention, and work the steps around it.  This always works.  The gratitude list is absolutely critical.  If I am not feeling grateful on a day-to-day basis, I grow complacent and move closer to the “event horizon” of suffering where the funnel can become inescapable.


Michael:

This is not necessarily my experience today.

I mention this because I don't want you to be disappointed when there comes a day that it is no longer this simple for you.

What will you do then?

Re: Hello and I think I'm in the funnel

Hi Clifton,

This is not necessarily my experience today.

What is your experience today?  You provided no clue.  Mine is 20 years of not-one-drop sobriety.

I mention this because I don't want you to be disappointed when there comes a day that it is no longer this simple for you.

Thanks for the concern about my potential disappointment but why, in the face of steady practice, should it ever grow complicated?

What will you do then?

“Then” is now.  If I recognize (and I do) my own complacency has arisen, I know myself well enough now to work the steps around that arising.  Have you discovered a better way?  If so, you would be the first in my experience to do so and I  would love to hear about it.

yer pal,
Michael

Re: Hello and I think I'm in the funnel

>>This is not necessarily my experience today. What is your experience today?  You provided no clue.  Mine is 20 years of not-one-drop sobriety.<<

twenty-six years here.

>>I mention this because I don't want you to be disappointed when there comes a day that it is no longer this simple for you.  Thanks for the concern about my potential disappointment but why, in the face of steady practice, should it ever grow complicated?<<

It's just no longer that simple for me.  It's more diffuse.  Frustratingly so.  I can't think of any practice I learned in the first year that I've given up on entirely, but the challenges I face are nothing I was ever able to even imagine when I was young in sobriety (and in life).  I'm getting older and quite frankly I don't like it.  The issues have changed and so have I.  People are dying: that's new.  Loved ones.  Nobody ever used to die in my family.  And then there are regrets, or opportunity costs, things I took a pass on when I was younger and thought I knew everything that I'm thinking now I perhaps shouldn't have.  But you couldn't tell me shit.

And then there's the feeling, perhaps more persistent than ever before, of my irrevelance in about 90% of the meetings I attend.  I'm just not where these people are any more.  I have nothing to add, nothing to say.  I can no more relate to them than they can to me.  I'm not a person who's been dogged by long term cravings or desires to use over my 26 years.  Using means nothing to me and has not for a very, very long time.  Meaningless, childish, self-generated dramas don't either.  Band aids for the wounded ego I don't need, either.  The latest fad or hip buzzwords from the pop psychotherapeutic community?  No thank you.  This horseshit that today passes for “recovery” ultimately has nothing to do with it, at all, but you can't tell anyone that.

>>What will you do then? “Then” is now.  If I recognize (and I do) my own complacency has arisen, I know myself well enough now to work the steps around that arising.  Have you discovered a better way?  If so, you would be the first in my experience to do so and I  would love to hear about it.<<

A better way?  No.  Just different experiences.  I'm not in a funnel, I'm not complacent, I'm not in a place or space I necessarily need to get out of.  It is what it is.  I don't need to fix anything, explain anything or “work on” anything or patch it up with 12-step homilies.  I am where I am.  I don't even have a “message,” carry one or profess to know what will work or won't work for anyone else.

You have to be in place where you can access what I have to offer, or even see me as having something to offer.  It's compllcated.

Re: Hello and I think I'm in the funnel

Clifton,

ok.  What is it that you have to offer?

yer pal,
Michael

Re: Hello and I think I'm in the funnel

Presence.

I haven't run away.  I'm still here watching. 

I'm the one who meant what he said in meetings a hundred years ago, and sometimes it makes me the loneliest person in the world.  Hope you're ready for that.

Hopefully, I'll still be here when it happens to you.  And we can be alone, together.

Re: Hello and I think I'm in the funnel

Chris-
Thi

Re: Hello and I think I'm in the funnel

Chris-
Thi