Need some male advice

Hi folks
I need some advice from the male members of the group.
My brother, who is 47, and a construction worker, has recently hurt his back-actually irratated an old injury he got from falling off a roof a few years back. He will be facing surgery and cannot work until further notice. He has to walk with a cane and has also had to go back to taking anti-depressants and some pretty heavy pain killers.
I want to be as much help as I can to him. I can kind of understand where he is at because I was a single parent and the soul support of my daughter and myself.
My sister in law works, but not enough to make ends meet. They have had to get food stamps and are working on disibility benifits.
My nephew is autistic so he gets SSI.
Trouble is, my brother is a former Marine, and still acts like one.
So I could use a guy's POV in the hopes that I can be more senitive to their needs.

Re: Need some male advice

I did not mean to leave you girls out. If you have any suggestions I am glad to get them.

Re: Need some male advice

Lyzzle, I'm so sorry to hear of your brother's challenges.  In a way, the painkillers are most scary because of the risk of addiction and the potential for making his perceptions and behavior unpredictable.  I'm not sure that a male perspective, like mine, will add anything of value, but I hope you find something of use here.

In a way, your experience of being a single parent is relevant, but I don't think it is particularly helpful.  Single mother is an archetype, but not as all-encompassing as being a marine, for whom supporting one's family is an honor-bound duty to be performed with strength, certainty and discipline.  In his situation, he lacks in these resources.  Accepting assistance may be somewhat acceptable on the basis of its being temporary, but the antidepressants and painkillers complicate the situation and can make the person feel like they are not really there - not really themself.  Having an autistic child is challenging in itself, but also a real challenge for a marine.

A marine is always a marine.  This is an archetype of great power, so I would not advise you to remind him that he is no longer a marine.  I would also not advise you to try to prepare him emotionally for a long period of disability - and possible permanent disability.  If he is dealing with these, he probably doesn't need reminding from anyone else.  It is always there right in his face.

Honor is everything to a marine.  So, let your brother do his job now, which is to carry himself with dignity and to do what he can to be sure his family receives the support it needs.  Let him set the agenda for what you can help him with.  Do his friends know about his struggles?  You might encourage him to be in contact with his friends if he wishes this.  If he has a particular authority figure from the Marines from whom he may accept guidance and support, that could be useful, especially if the medications change his perceptions/behavior in a way that causes concern.

If your brother seeks help to minimize his use of painkillers, this can be a good thing to support, although he may need permission and reassurance that it is okay to use painkillers when he really needs them, especially if the pain is making him angry and if he gets excessively frustrated with those around him. 

As with most people in this kind of situation, your brother needs your support and encouragement.  He needs to feel that he is still important - still a man - still to be respected.  Your sister-in-law is probably in the best position to know how he is doing and especially to know if he is being abusive to anyone.  It is normal to be very frustrated, at times, but not to be abusive as a result of his injuries, pain or the medications.  As for being depressed, he may need to be reminded that he will recover - that he is a remarkable man - and that his family and buddies are pulling for him.

I have never been in the military, so I am not an expert in that.  However, the marines I have known have a powerful attachment to their traditions and I respect that just as much as I would respect any religion or crede.  I wish him, and your whole family, godspeed with the surgery and the process of getting him back on his feet and back to work.

Earon

Re: Need some male advice

Thanks Earon.
You gave me something to think about.
Being the “big sister” I always get tempted to “fix' things.
I have to keep remembering that he is not “little brother” anymore and I don't need to defend him from the playground bullies anymore.

Re: Need some male advice

Unsure if this any help but ill give it anyway…..

Not being able to do what one is used to doing can be frustrating and   stir up  emotions. Anti depressants  might aid  part of the emotions  or there again possible destroy, it depends  how much anti depressants someone is taking and what for. yes pain killers and anti depressants can be addictive. …

Walking with a cane can be tiresome and energy draining,  Can your brother use crutches?   When suffering stress,  coming to terms with not walking and  not being able to move fast,  there can be none or  little outlet for stress relief.   ……

 I use a cane,  to relive stress,  to have fun and feel free, I  go fast  on my crutches, swim as can still use my arms. Beat a drum or play a flute as it takes  me into my own world lol.. each to their own.. Perhaps your brother can have an interest, some FUN way in which he can also relive his stress.  ….

To help him? perhaps help him to be positive by being positive,  looking at ways he can still do some things that he used to, either with help or  changing the way of doing them,  looking also at new things to do that do not take up so much energy and that can be fun might be useful.   If he does not want to do anything,  perhaps he is going through a stage of accepting what is and finding it hard. ……

Loosing one's back, one's legs, mobility, and perhaps looking to the future and thinking things wont be the same is a lot to accept.   Has he a dream, a life goal? If he has he might think it's all lost when there may be a way for him to still achieve  but in a different way. ………

I do feel however that Self Acceptance of  how things are might be a key to enable him to manage health better, feel better, and see where  he is heading in life. …..  

Perhaps  live, be positive and Just be there for  if/when he really needs you.  He might need to work  thorugh this within and with help. for some people thay only want help when they want it.

Gilly..

Re: Need some male advice

Just a little update on my brother. He is set for the operation.
He just seems to be resigned to being un healthy. I have suggested he try some yoga for his back, but he insists that his days for that  are over.
I get a little frustrated with him because he just gives in to the family thing of “all men in our family have bad backs.”
All women in our family run twards being overweight too, but I am not going to be resigned to it.
I know that certin patterns of heath and habits can run in familes, but I also know that you don't just have to lay down and take them.

Re: Need some male advice

Lizzy, I realize that you are probably just venting a bit here, so I don't want to appear to be judging your statements at all.  I know you love your brother and only want him to be well.  That said, in your reaction to his words, I want to be sure that someone points out that you may be taking your brother's words too literally.  What I hear him saying is that “It is okay that I am struggling with back problems.  I will be okay.  I have not failed.  This is not my fault.”  I don't know that you really want to undermine his ability to relax and feel that he is doing his best.

Much of the “modern spirituality” world walks a very fine line between thinking that takes responsibility for our health and thinking that blames the victims when things go wrong.  In my experience, the “Law of Attraction” provides a dogma that routinely leads us to cross the line into blaming the victim - and it must be tempered with compassion, kindness and service.

Peace,

Earon

Re: Need some male advice

OUCH! You hit the spot Earon!
I was being judgemental.

Re: Need some male advice

Liçzzl, I am male, had serious health challenges & walked with a cane, my Big sister was a great help to me by listening to me & by suggesting alternative solutions to my various problems, every now & then I felt overwhelmed with”advice” but I particularly appreciated good listeners & encouragement, best to you both,
Mike