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Seeking a new purpose in lifeFreeGoddess said Nov 9, 11:58 AM: |
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After having gone through a recent physical and emotional health crisis over the past year during which I almost lost my life (twice), I'm finding myself finally rediscovering my sense of purpose. Today, as I enjoyed the beautiful, rare warm November day, I reflected on how much trauma I've experienced over the past few years. These events included: - the death of mother and step-mother, - witnessing a fatal car accident during which I helped tend to the victim as he lay dying on my front lawn, - the loss of a 7-year relationship, - two car accidents which totalled each vehicle, - the birth of my granddaughter (the only positive event!) - then dealing with an excruciatingly painful breast condition which, while not fatal, absolutely consumed me with thoughts of death and dying since both mother and sister were diagnosed with breast cancer in the same month 6 years ago. Since reaching a crisis point in July of this year, it has been a very long and difficult struggle not just trying to find a reason not to give up, but to actually decide to find a reason for living. It once amazed me that people who were in even more dire straights than I was could possible keep getting up each day and function. I couldn't understand. But then, when you're in the thick of severe depression and illness, you can't make sense of very much at all. I feel that I've 'turned the corner' and have achieved a higher level of awareness and acceptance and forgiveness of myself, but also acceptance and forgiveness of others. This was the most difficult part for me in my journey. In my physical pain, I felt utterly helpless and from that developed a rage against myself for being weak and toward others for either not being able to fix what was wrong, but for not being grateful that they had so much to be thankful for compared to the situation I was in. What I've become much more conscious of is the ego within and all the baggage that it dumps on one's soul. Guilt, fear, anger, helplessness, disappointment, rejection, paralysis and so on. I'm learning to detach from these feelings and see them for what they are - expressions of my 'sleeping self' for lack of a better term. The emotions of a human being who hasn't yet awakened to her divinity. It's fascinating to me how many times I've had to learn the same lessons, go down the same road, experience similar experiences in order to finally 'get it'. Even then, I can't take this recent awakening for granted. Every day and every challenge is a test of how deeply I've learned what I need to know. For now, I'm resolving always to be gentle with myself and others. Someone once said, 'if in doubt about what to do, always be kind.' That statement resonated with me then and still does. |
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Re: Seeking a new purpose in lifeMeenakshi said Nov 9, 7:59 PM: |
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FreeGoddess, welcome to this group and thank you for coming with the gift of an incredible sharing. |
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Re: Seeking a new purpose in lifeFreeGoddess said Nov 10, 5:09 PM: |
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Blessings to you for your wise insight and comment. It brought me to tears because you held a mirror up to me and allowed me to see and feel more tangibly what I had sensed only fleetingly. Wow…hmmm…powerful stuff indeed. What makes it more compelling is that maybe, just maybe, I can help others in the same way. |
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