Gaia: 50+stars*~Half a century & more on earth

Indigo Roo's Tales on the New Road

http://seekingperspective.gaia.com — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 14:57:44 GMT

This is sort of a journal. More its a record of what's going on with me. To begin, I'm 56 and facing the end of a 25 year relationship. Or maybe its more appropriate to say that I'm about to begin an awesome new adventure. Isn't that what Helen Keller once said? Life's either an awesome adventure or its nothing?

My son, who is 20 and in the military, just called. He wants to know what's going on between my husband and me. Are we breaking up? Are we staying together? And I don't know what to say to him. So far, I've told him that my problems with your father are not yours. Your relationship with each of us individually has not changed nor will it. But that's kind of a lie, isn't it? Once we're apart things will change dramatically.

There's a lot to this story. Many ramifications because I live in a foreign country and I want to return to the States. A million things to work out. Questions to answer. How much do you want to hear? What's important to say or not say?

I guess the biggest thing, in terms of where I am spiritually, is that I reached a breaking point about a month ago and hard on the heels of that realization was the fact that I wasn't living my life. I was supporting my husband and my children -- but not living my life. I can't do that anymore.

Out of that came many things.

I can't pretend to be something I'm not. I can never go back to how it was. And more importantly, I don't want to -- my husband sees life as winding down. I see it as just getting started. I've learned my lessons, Undid the pain of the past. Worked through some stuff. Did enough things that now I have a voice, a message, which bodes well for that fiction novel I want to write.

All of a sudden there's a voice in my head that's screaming at me -- not literally, I'm not insane -- to do what needs doing. Stop waiting. Stop putting my life on hold. That good will come of it. If nothing else, I'll show my children how I am when I'm in an environment that I understand, in a culture that brings me joy.

But for tonight, there's a conversation with my son, my first born, who is a man and yet still a little boy some days, who doesn't want his parents to break up, and doesn't need to know all the terrible things that I know.

Re: Journaling at the end of the rainbow

http://joy-within.gaia.com — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 14:31:55 GMT

Ahhhhh....I love this thread. So much resonates with me. Thank you for journaling so honestly and beautifully Mary. We are strengthened and inspired by each other. I'm looking forward to sharing more of this journey with you.

Re: Journaling at the end of the rainbow

http://benchside.gaia.com — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 10:18:13 GMT

Relished the part about"I gotta be rightsome of the time"
Hope the agency finds you something that will energise you mentally/emotionally.
I think physically you are doing alot.Remember to pace yourself.
Hugs,Roamer

Re: Journaling at the end of the rainbow

http://NothingiseverAlways.gaia.com — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 05:08:55 GMT

Journal: 11/09/09

I went to my appointment with the opthalmologist this morning but was not found on the schedule. The appointment is for Tuesday, 11/10/09.   I had been wanting to go to the Goodwill Store. It is in the area so I browsed there for awhile.
Being diabetic, it is better that I eat rather than skip a meal because I am busy doing something else. So I went to McDonald's. I like their Angus Deluxe. The Deluxe has lettuce, tomato, onion, pickle and cheese on a 1/3-pound pattie.

Then I went home and spot-cleaned a stack of clothes and did the laundry. Crocheted a bit while watching the Hallmark channel, grew drowsy but instead of taking a nap made chop suey while doing the dishes and pots and pans.

I am feeling a bit down these days. I think it is the holiday season coming on.  Specifically, I'm having a struggle with low self-esteem. Anticipating Thanksgiving Day, my older sister and I had a disagreement that has stirred up a lot of memories. I am hurt. She hasn't shaken the notion that she is my nanny. I being the middle sib, had three sibs 11, 12 and 13 years older than I. I had been taught and expected to defer to the guidance and judgment of the older ones. And, to respect them because of their age. Yep, my mother said so.
My sister being 13 at the time became my nanny so my mother could go to work in 1937.
My God! I am almost 73 years old and been to hell and back. I gotta be right some of the time.
I cannot confront.  It is one of those situations where, though my complaint is valid, to confront would only make a bad situation worse. I have the tools and can walk (what would be for me) a higher gound.   I can be right but not require another to admit it.
All of us sibs have been separated a very long time and none of us knows who the others are. I have a hard time accepting that.
My good friend told me: Spirit is stronger than blood. Your family is elsewhere.

Gosh I can fill a day. I also visited the State Agency that helps people like myself find work. Qualification is determined by gross income. No consideration for cost of Supplemental Medical insurance or other expenses. And, even if I should qualify, there is a waiting list for employment.
The place was crowded. When a receptionist asked me what I wanted, I couldn't get the words out, "I am looking for employment." Instead, the tears started to flow. There was a lot of compassion. In fact, a person that I knew while working in another agency in that building was there and saw my distress and later stopped by to offer words of encouragement. The  receptionist phoned an "In-take" person. While being interviewed I asked about two other persons that I knew and asked if they were still working there. Yes, one was out of the office but would be in on Friday and the other was there and came over to visit and recall "old times and acquaintances".

The bottom line is: TRUST! There is something else happening here.

Re: Journaling at the end of the rainbow

http://NothingiseverAlways.gaia.com — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 04:10:01 GMT

Thanks sandi I just sat down to journal and I find your presence here in my Life at the end of the Rainbow. And the Sunflower. A number of years ago I wrote a story for myself about the life of a Sunflower.

Like the Sunflower in the picture, this evening my heart is a bit down. You lift it.

I love words. You refer to "a new attitude".   Is that a typo? I wonder if you meant altitude. What a difference one little letter makes.   Another level of life this is.  At times I do feel that I am in a new altitude.

Thanks Love,

Joyous
1937

BTW: No plans are needed. The age comes with its own plan.

Re: Seeking a new purpose in life

http://Meenakshi.gaia.com — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 03:59:37 GMT

FreeGoddess, welcome to this group and thank you for coming with the gift of an incredible sharing.

What is so miraculous to me in your sharing is that it offers a glimpse of 'you'--not only through the traumas you experienced; but through the one who is observing. I feel that you have allowed us to meet the one who has written:

"I'm learning to detach from these feelings and see them for what they are - expressions of my 'sleeping self' for lack of a better term. The emotions of a human being who hasn't yet awakened to her divinity."

If I may gently point out: you have just shown us that divinity lovingly talking of the aspect that is awakening.

Thank you so much!

Re: Journaling at the end of the rainbow

http://sandiwhite.gaia.com — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 02:19:44 GMT

Hi, Joyous, I'm so glad that you are journaling this fascinating region that we have not seen yet. By the time we think we have enough time to sit and make plans for our older years, they are upon us! How'd that happen!? One day I'm 35 and just a blink later, I'm 57. And I'm laughing about it. I had many friends that will never saw 57. So, I, We are going to be interested in how such a young, vibrant woman as your self takes off into a new attitude and how it wears with age. Thanks for bringing such a sense of discovery to that frontier we are exploring anew every day. Our own aging process.

Re: OPENING CEREMONY OF NEW ROOM!!!

http://NothingiseverAlways.gaia.com — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 23:55:13 GMT

One of my favorite lines is: "And run my stick along the public railings". At the time when I was a young girl growing up in the city, many homes, porches and yards had fences of wood or iron and I used to walk along running a stick along them.

Oh, the ribbons? Some remind me of those little party things when blown into it makes a noise and a strip of tissue comes rolling out with a feather at the end.

It's been a Grand Opening Party with so many people stopping by.

So many telling of their connections with the Rainbow.

Like reviewing the greeting cards after a celebration, I'll be going back from time-to-time, to read and be refreshed by the comments.

Seeking a new purpose in life

http://freegoddess.gaia.com — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 19:58:41 GMT

After having gone through a recent physical and emotional health crisis over the past year during which I almost lost my life (twice), I'm finding myself finally rediscovering my sense of purpose. Today, as I enjoyed the beautiful, rare warm November day, I reflected on how much trauma I've experienced over the past few years. These events included:

- the death of mother and step-mother,
- witnessing a fatal car accident during which I helped tend to the victim as he lay dying on my front lawn,
- the loss of a 7-year relationship,
- two car accidents which totalled each vehicle,
- the birth of my granddaughter (the only positive event!)
- then dealing with an excruciatingly painful breast condition which, while not fatal, absolutely consumed me with thoughts of death and dying since both mother and sister were diagnosed with breast cancer in the same month 6 years ago.

Since reaching a crisis point in July of this year, it has been a very long and difficult struggle not just trying to find a reason not to give up, but to actually decide to find a reason for living. It once amazed me that people who were in even more dire straights than I was could possible keep getting up each day and function. I couldn't understand. But then, when you're in the thick of severe depression and illness, you can't make sense of very much at all.

I feel that I've 'turned the corner' and have achieved a higher level of awareness and acceptance and forgiveness of myself, but also acceptance and forgiveness of others. This was the most difficult part for me in my journey. In my physical pain, I felt utterly helpless and from that developed a rage against myself for being weak and toward others for either not being able to fix what was wrong, but for not being grateful that they had so much to be thankful for compared to the situation I was in.

What I've become much more conscious of is the ego within and all the baggage that it dumps on one's soul. Guilt, fear, anger, helplessness, disappointment, rejection, paralysis and so on. I'm learning to detach from these feelings and see them for what they are - expressions of my 'sleeping self' for lack of a better term. The emotions of a human being who hasn't yet awakened to her divinity.

It's fascinating to me how many times I've had to learn the same lessons, go down the same road, experience similar experiences in order to finally 'get it'. Even then, I can't take this recent awakening for granted. Every day and every challenge is a test of how deeply I've learned what I need to know.

For now, I'm resolving always to be gentle with myself and others. Someone once said, 'if in doubt about what to do, always be kind.' That statement resonated with me then and still does.

Re: OPENING CEREMONY OF NEW ROOM!!!

http://benchside.gaia.com — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 09:57:37 GMT

Loved this poemMy story is a bit different,I forgot to wear my purple as I got older and this beautiful poem reminds me of the possibilities and joys ahead.
Thanks Meenakshi both for the poem and the new room to go with it ,about to be decorated by joyous Joyous.

Re: Gaia Redefined

http://FloatingOnSmiles.gaia.com — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 05:18:00 GMT

I also enjoyed this thread, many aspects are what I am learning on my path. Thank you for sharing your insight!

Re: OPENING CEREMONY OF NEW ROOM!!!

http://mermaidjade.gaia.com — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 02:15:09 GMT

I am also looking forward to learning Joyous Wisdom!

OPENING CEREMONY OF NEW ROOM!!!

http://HolEssence.gaia.com — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 00:59:02 GMT

Joyous -

I am grateful that you have this platform for journaling.
I am honored to be in your sphere of influence.
I look forward to learning from your wisdom.
Thank you for your willingness to share.

If life is all about change, is resisting change, resisting life?

http://HolEssence.gaia.com — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 00:53:53 GMT

[blush, blush] ...

Re: If life is all about change, is resisting change, resisting l

http://torchholder.gaia.com — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 23:00:53 GMT

Many Thanks, for Your Appreciation, Honored Laurie.

Honor Crowns a Kind and Wise Woman, Like a Laureate Wreath.

Re: OPENING CEREMONY OF NEW ROOM!!!

http://torchholder.gaia.com — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 22:39:21 GMT

The Story of the Rainbow

Once upon a time, all the colours in the world started to quarrel; each claimed that she was the best, the most important, the most useful, the favourite...

Green said: “Clearly I am the most important. I am the sign of life and of hope. I was chosen for grass, trees, leaves — without me all the animals would die. Look out over the countryside and you will see that I am in the majority.”

Blue interrupted: “You only think about the earth, but consider the sky and the sea. It is water that is the basis of life and this is drawn up by the clouds from the blue sea. The sky gives space and peace and serenity. Without my peace you would all be nothing but busybodies.”

Yellow chuckled: “You are all so serious. I bring laughter, gaiety and warmth into the world. The sun is yellow, the moon is yellow, the stars are yellow. Every time you look at a sunflower the whole world starts to smile. Without me there would be no fun.”

Orange started next to blow her own trumpet: “I am the colour of health and strength. I may be scarce, but I am precious for I serve the inner needs of human life. I carry all the most important vitamins. Think of carrots and pumpkins, oranges, mangoes and pawpaws. I don’t hang around all the time, but when I fill the sky at sunrise or sunset, my beauty is so striking that no one gives another thought to any of you.”

Red could stand it no longer. He shouted out: “I’m the ruler of you all, blood, life’s blood. I am the colour of danger and of bravery. I am willing to fight of a cause. I bring fire in the blood. without me the earth would be empty as the moon. I am the colour of passion and love; the red rose, poinsettia and poppy.”

Purple rose up to his full height. He was very tall and he spoke with great pomp: “I am the colour of royalty and power. Kings, chiefs and bishops have always chosen me for I am a sign of authority and wisdom. People do not question me — they listen and obey.”

Indigo spoke much more quietly than all the others, but just as determinedly: “Think of me, you all become superficial. I represent thought and reflection, twilight and deep waters. You need me for balance and contrast, for prayer and inner peace.”

* * *

And so the colours went on boasting, each convinced that they were the best. Their quarrelling became louder and louder. Suddenly there was a startling flash of brilliant white lightning; thunder rolled and boomed. Rain started to pour down relentlessly. The colours all crouched down in fear, drawing close to one another for comfort.

Then Rain spoke:

“You foolish colours, fighting among yourselves, each trying to dominate the rest. Do you not know that God made you all? Each for a special purpose, unique and different. He loves you all. He wants you all. Join hands with one another and come with me. He will stretch you across the sky in a great bow of colour, as a reminder that he loves you all, that you can live together in peace

— a promise that he is with you,
— a sign of hope for tomorrow.”

And so whenever God has used a good rain to wash the world, He puts the rainbow in the sky, and when we see it, let us remember to appreciate one another.

— based on an Indian legend

Re: OPENING CEREMONY OF NEW ROOM!!!

http://torchholder.gaia.com — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 22:24:31 GMT

note to moderators...delete above video, it is a long playlist, and i do not wish to subject us to this oz marathon my apologies, torchholder

(NOTE - happily honored your request - debyemm)

Judy Garland Somewhere Over the Rainbow
===========================================================================

Re: OPENING CEREMONY OF NEW ROOM!!!

http://torchholder.gaia.com — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 22:05:54 GMT

Rainbows have always been a Totem to Me, a Vision and an Inspiration.
They are God's Promise to Us, and a Bridge across Air and Cloud and Sky, that Connect Us to Our Imagination, and Each other.

They are a Symbol of the Many Ways to Our Creator, Choosing what Color we Prefer, Many Ways, One Destination.

What is Simple, and Childlike is what is dearest to Our Hearts, and I would like to Share This favorite of Mine.

Rainbow Connection, with Debbie Harry, Blondie, and Kermit the Frog.
=========================================================================

Re: OPENING CEREMONY OF NEW ROOM!!!

http://yhd52754.gaia.com — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 20:54:51 GMT

Joyous,

What a wonderful gift we all receive. I shall be enjoying coming along for the ride.

Deb

Re: Journaling at the end of the rainbow

http://NothingiseverAlways.gaia.com — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 17:48:45 GMT

Oooooooooooooh! I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!   There are sparks flying from that pot at the end.   There's roamer and mimi. It is good to see them.

I'm up again and breathing.  I'm off and f running. I forgot to get some spot remover and quarters yesterday (a stack of laundry is waiting).

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the ophthalmologist. I'm not seeing as I used to see. It might be that I bent my bifocals out of alignment when I adjusted the ear-pieces to hook around my ears. The techs would adjust by just tweeking them and the glasses always slid to the end of my nose. So I bent them into hook shapes. I'm overdue for a checkup and am scheduled for a visual field test. Yuk!

I will be visiting, the State Senior Community Service Employment Program authorized by Title V of the Older Americans Act, federally funded by a grant from the U.S. Dept of Labor, to find a job. On Tuesday, since my eyes will probably be dilated tomorrow and I will be stressed from my visit to the eye doctor. I'll need some time to reward and feel sorry for myself.

Yesterday I tuned into Public Television just for company. There was somekind of Seminar presentation about how to live life. The camera would focus on the presenter and then pan the audience.

I saw what I see often these days. A sense of humor is missing.  No one even smiled at something I thought was funny. Even the presenter let a little grin when he said it:
He said: "The first thing we gotta do is breathe."

No one "got" the humor. So then the presenter went on with what he intended to say. He explained what kind of breathing is needed to enhance the quality of life.    Then the sober, serious, smileless heads began to nod.

The sun shines again today into my new Wisconsin apartment. The 8th day in a row, the first part of November.

Joyous