Kindness

Face it folks, we don't usually choose our co-workers, unless we own our own business! Even then, the relationships we have with our co-workers is tenuous at times. If we could take the time to realize that those we work with, including our customers are “real people with their own issues” we might be able to view the workplace as an area to work on our spiritual growth. By practicing kindness and listening to others, instead of contantly thinking about what we might say, think or feel, we can see a shift in the other. This isn't easy when ego's get involved!
Stop. Breathe. Listen. It throws people off!

Everyone and everything around you is a mirror. Change yourself, and change your world.

Re: Kindness

Enlightened.thinker!  This is exactly what I am talking about!  This is exactly why -and one of the many reasons there off- that I wished to start this Communication Pod in the first place!

If we could take the time to realize that those we work with, including our customers are “real people with their own issues” we might be able to view the workplace as an area to work on our spiritual growth.

This point which I have quoted above is one which I have been training myself with and seriously working with lately. 

Thank you for bringing the topic to the table.  I can not wait to see how it develops from this point onward.

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“Everyone and everything around you is a mirror. Change yourself, and change your world. ”

Or don't change yourself. Just say YES to yourself as you are. And whatever you see in the mirror. And the world. Why not? That's communication too…

:-)

Halina

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It can help to remember that we all -in our doing, actions and choices go towards pleasure or/and to avoid pain so no matter what people do they always have some sort of logic of their own.

Of course we don't have to agree but just by letting yourself understand other people the possibility of creating better communication will automatically get thrown up on a LOT higher level…  

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Or maybe some sort of agenda? Hmmm…the subconscious mind works in mysterious ways too~

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I agree with your post, perhaps I should have said change your reaction…eh? Isn't comunication wonderful?

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Halina..the ” change your reaction” post was meant to be replied to your post..sorry…

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This is a great topic - communication at work! What a minefield, to be sure. For example, how do we reconcile honest communication with the desire or need to not offend, upset or horrify our co-workers? I'm constantly torn between the desire to speak honestly and without smoke-filled language, and the awareness of people's potential reaction to such honesty or unfiltered language. Of course, that applies to all of life and not just in the workplace, but it's in the workplace that we come across so many interesting and sensitive characters and where all of this communication minefield is more than personal, it's also the place where people earn their bread and corn. In other words - in the workplace, people are operating within the mindset of survival, competitiveness and, quite often, fear. This raises the stakes even higher. One careless word or phrase can linger in the air for weeks, months and years. Do we risk losing our honesty, if we stray too far down the road of crafting our words? And if so, is this good for anyone in the long haul?

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Right, who likes to walk on eggshells all the time?

Re: Kindness and the workplace

Great topic. I have often found it difficult to communicate well at work. I hate having to guard your words and be careful about what you say to who. It has not seemed to matter where my job was or my age. I have been working since I was 16 years old, and always find myself in some kind of mess with co-workers. I don’t get along well within the competitive arena. At first I did not know what it was, or have the least bit of understanding about it. The job was such a simple one, a clerk in a discount shopping store. What were they all so worried about?? I did my job, showed up everyday, yet somehow, I ended up in the personnel office, and I still don’t know why? Next issue, I was a young nurse aid (19), and was accused of having an affair with a man in nursing home, with cancer (40’ish) because the nurse caught me giving him a hug. She took me into a room and chastised me for my behavior. If I had only known then what I know now!! Fast forward, last job, service administrator for a large service oriented company. There were several other SA’s just like me, we all did the same job. I was kind to all, and friendly, but did not partake in lunch dates with them, or after work activities. This may have caused the initial problem, but later was a good thing. I worked closely with my manager, and before I knew it, word was that we were having an affair!! My manager was told we could no longer go to lunch together. Can you believe that?? I only hoped the president of the company would dare to say ANYTHING to me about it. Then all the other women were in such a fight with each other that the president of company wanted to fire everyone involved. He particularily wanted to know what my part in the disputes were, to which he was told non-existent. They all looked at me as if I was weird somehow, because they knew I was different, I spoke to them differently, and said things that made them think. I find it so hard to balance what to say, and what not to say, and how to keep from being the outcast. I tried to make them see and understand, each of them were important people to the job, company, and their families. Each one had challenges to face, and that each of us needed to just accept each other.
Now I am a student of nursing, and I hope I will find a way to get along well with those I work with and for.
How to find the balance or just the strength to carry on when all that junk begins to take shape. I think you are right, it is very much a fear based atmosphere. That is what I will keep in mind. Sorry for rambling, and any advise will be appreciated.

Re: Kindness

Your stories are almost horrifying! Yeech! I hate confrontation with people and “ego” crapola. Competition to me is a waste of precious planetary time. We are all connected, so where does one outshine another? Only in mind.

I do not think it matters where one works, we all face some of these issues. I remember once my husband was faced with an irate customer, who came in sprewing vermin. He listened to her and did not react to her anger, except when she finally was quiet, he asked her quite simply “Where is all your anger coming from?” She was aghast and did not know what to say. But there was a perceptible shift. His reaction was not what she expected and there was a quality of “magic” in the moment! But it is hard to be calm in the face of the storm!!! I was there to witness the fact that kindness and calm can change a whole persons demeanor.

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**giggle, giggle** I bet she was totally thrown off guard!! I can just imagine her response.

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This is an interesting thread!! I am a therapist and sometimes find myself spending alot of time with certain clients on their communication patterns. Last week I was talking with a woman who continually has challenges with expressing her anger in appropriate ways. It is funny that you mentioned “change your reaction” because that is what I suggested she do next time she finds herself angry with this woman whom she says gives her an attitude and pushes her buttons. I said to her, “what would that person do if you asked her what she is REALLY upset about and listened to her instead of reacting AT her with anger and irritation?” Who knows if she will heed my therapeutic advice, but I find it interesting that my spiritual thinking has had an effect on things I incorporate into my counseling with clients. Interesting food for thought!!!  

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Hi Inquisitive!

Welcome to the POD! Another excellent example of non-action VS re-action!!

Wink wink nod~~~~

ET

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Thanks!! :)

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These posts are helping alot in forming a better picture of my own work life and situation.

To describe to you all briefly: I work along side a girl (who does the same job as me, only on a different shift) and she has taken it upon her self to view me as her “worst enemy” -her own words, not mine.

I get along with everyone in my work place, including those who I would not have expected to, should we be anywhere other than work.  But this one individual, since my very first day, as used me as both an object of scrutiny and abuse.

Okay -I admit in the beginning I did not react well when I first encountered her aggravation.  I was called up and I accepted the invitation, returning to her the same rudeness and lack of consideration which she had offered me.  Not wise/not sensible.  I know.

For two months now I have attempted to be civil.  I have said hello to her when I have seen her on passing (receiving only a cold stare) and tried my best to get the place of work ready for the start of her shift, so she would have as an easy time as possible with her portion of the duties (this is not appreciated in the slightest).

Firstly, I understand that there is a lot going on in her life right now that may very well be causing her to act in these unfriendly, unproductive manners.  I know, thanks to the unavoidable chain of work gossip, just what it is that may be forcing her to vent her frustrations on anything possible.  I have tried in my own subtle (now seemingly unnoticed ways) to bridge the gap between us and let her know that I understand what she is going through, and that it will not be cured by using myself and others as a punch bag; that hiding from life in a meaningless job that you do not enjoy is noway to deal with your problems.

How then, should I open up a stable line of communication with this individual, baring in mind that none of us can bring ourselves to be civil to the other?

There are obvious answers, of course.  But it is the insight I am keen to here.

Cheers.

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Before opening up those lines of communication, it might be useful to understand needs: your needs and your co-worker's needs.  At least check in with your own needs.  Without that understanding, lines can't connect and communications won't succeed.  Check out the stuff on Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication that has been mentioned in various places in this pod.  I've heard some of Rosenberg's audio material.  It's very compelling.

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My immediate reaction was that this person operates in a realm of fear. Anger is also fear, and you stated you believe that she is concerned about her “job”..or very survival. Many people operate from 1st chakra, (survival instinct). It also sounds like you talk AT each other not TO each other.

Perhaps you hold a strong resemblance to another situation she had in her life and she reacts at a subconscious level? and I know there are people we meet that we just don't like for no apparant reason at all~~(karma?)

There is a powerful exercise I have tried with some success. I believe we are all connected to each other by invisible strings (and this is not my idea, but one espoused by many) and if we cut those strings (in our minds) sometimes this can allieviate the tension. You can envision cutting the strings, as it were..and she can't pull your strings anymore…ie: you are not her puppet!

We all contribute to “relational” woes, but it does appear some people enjoy “living in the drama”. You can choose to not buy into it, by simply continuing on with your life, and being empowered. Power issues and fear seem to resonate here…but that is only my perception. The truth must come from your own. Good luck!

Blessings,
Aley

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I'd like to jump in here and say something about conversation at work, or in business in general. How many meetings have you been at where absolutely nothing is accomplished? It used to drive me crazy….The boss or someone else would go on a tangent and there goes half the time….someone gets into a conflict and there goes another half hour….

I bring this up because I believe that one of the reasons this happens is that we do not have the collective skill to distinguish types of conversations (eg. presentations, storytelling, shoptalk, brainstorm) and when they are appropriate. People tend to get triggered about through associations…..diversions, distractions, interuptions all kill conversations yet they are seldom discussed because of having a hard time being honest about each others conversational patterns.

Each of these conversations has some unconscious value that is driving it. to be kind, to bring kindness into a specific conversation is an intentional act. It changes the nature of the conversational field.

I find my communication has completely transformed as a result of knowing which conversation I am in as well as who I am talking with. Play with it a bit….once you have pinpointed someones patterns its incredible…

Re: Kindness

I like this post.  It evokes some thoughts.

Conversation is certainly often driven by unconscious predisposition.  The voice itself is an expression of one's current state of being.  Interesting that this can change in an instant, after a sunset has soaked into our minds, after reading an inspired work, after hearing a song that sings our soul.  To remember this place and act from there is to enable limitless kindness.  From there we're no longer acting to prove ourselves, to others or to our own inner court.  Life ceases to be a game of chase and catch-up and begins to be acted out with a chosen voice.

Re: Kindness

I've discovered that the best way to honor an open communication in the work place is to do what very many people hide from……

Be comfortable confronting.  And I don't mean to get in someone's face.  If there is an issue, do you tend to go to the person you are having an issue with or do you discuss it with everyone else first?  People that pull in others are truly not wishing to communicate.  They are looking for allies in a battle they are beginning to create in their own minds.

When others at work come to you seeking to do the same thing, do you engage in the gossip, or are you proactive and ask that person to go straight back to the one they are kvetching about and involve the person in the discussion that can change things.

Are you solution oriented in how you choose to speak or are you resistant and prone to say that things are impossible.

I love the idea of really trying to understand where someone else is coming from, and also think we serve everyone better if we understand what motivates us.  Is it an ego issue?  Is it a wounded part of our being that feels disrespected by everyone or unseen or unappreciated?  What is motivating the conflict we feel inside ourselves?  How willing are we to change that?

Re: Kindness

Hi Jill,

I would call that a 'Clearing conversation”. It sort of gives it  a different tone than confronting although it is relatively the same thing. I have seen that when you distinguish the type of conversation you are in or want to be in, then you prepare yourself and the other to enter  a 'transmission field' based upon the shared intention of the conversation.

I had a partner a while back and we had the permission and desire to have 'clearing' conversations. If we had a beef or anything that we felt was stopping our connection with the other, we would request a 'clearing conversation'. Sometimes my heart would jump when he would request it, knowing something was coming. I becam used to it and saw the need for it. Otherwise things get built up or are never said or are marginalized as being nit picky.

We often don't feel safe about exchaning how we truly feel. And sometimes what can be huge for one is completely off the the radar screen for others. Yet if not expressed they can lead to the gossip and worse types of 'conversational killers' where needed information is not shared because deep down people resent one another.

Again going back to the thread purpose, you can program the 'Clearing Conversation' with the value of kindness, it becomes your lens. Forgiveness might be better of understanding, but kindness is pretty powerful. Clearing conversations when people are kind with one another is a huge leap to just seeking understanding.

Re: Kindness

Absolutely!  I love the Four Agreements with Don Miguel Ruiz.   The first agreement is to be impeccable with your words.  If your intent is to speak with conscious consideration then addressing issues tends to happen within the envelope of kindness. 
Being able to set boundaries, clear the air, offer the truth (as you see it), self-disclose, be accountable or honor your own feelings happens so much more effortlessly when you honor the strength of kindness.