Communication in our marriage

Before, I believed that it was very important to communicate in words everything that was going on within me. Especially the “difficult” stuff.

At this point of our journey together, much of the “difficult” stuff I don't talk about. Not because I need to hide it from my husband, but rather because there is nothing to talk about. This “stuff” doesn't need talking. It needs to be taken care of and that I do.

The thing is, we're so hypnotized by the illusion of separateness, that we tend to see each other as isolated islands, and then try to build bridges with words.

While in fact we're One. There's no separation. We're connected already. We know about each other, even if we're not aware of it.

So what's there to talk about at all?
Whatever we feel like talking in the moment!

Halina

Re: Communication in our marriage

Thank you for your beautiful words, Halina!

I agree that most words are wasted and don't even need to be pronounced since we already know and understand each other, but you forget a close neighbour and constant risk to our wellbeing and overall joy. It's name is doubt and doubt tends to creep inside cracks of confusion, misunderstanding and yes.. in times of lack of communication.
 
We are one on higher levels and seperate the deeper down you get, and we better give the best tools to make everything and all dimensions vibrate and resonate as best as possible.  

Re: Communication in our marriage

“We are one on higher levels and seperate the deeper down you get, and we better give the best tools to make everything and all dimensions vibrate and resonate as best as possible. ”

To me, Oneness in real, separation is illusion. There's no levels.

But that's not my point right now. My point is that each of us expresses a different aspect of our experience. Which brings us back to the art of communication:

In communication there seems to be a tendency to seek agreement  - or disagreement.
But since each of us describes a different aspect of our human experience, they are all equally valid and there's no need to agree or disagree - is there?

Or is there?

 :-)

Re: Communication in our marriage

“To me, Oneness in real, separation is illusion. There's no levels.”

Yes to YOU, Halina, and I agree but not everybody does or understands and that's when we decide if a real communication is wished to be created or not.

Besides lots of people only talk to listen to themselves….

I think the wonderful thing of communication is precisely what you say; that each of us expresses a different aspect of our experience. Communication is sharing.

Re: Communication in our marriage

When there is love sometimes there is not the need to talk.

Re: Communication in our marriage

Now! These are exactly the kind of questions and answers that I were so hoping would arrive from the foundations of this pod!  Indeed, if nothing more were to come of the discussions here, the value of this thread and the few others that have grown today, have made the construction invaluable.

“In communication there seems to be a tendency to seek agreement - or disagreement.
But since each of us describes a different aspect of our human experience, they are all equally valid and there's no need to agree or disagree - is there?” ~halinagold

I think there is a need to agree or disagree -but it is outwith myself to be able to explain what that is.  It is perhaps the same notion that makes the majority feel they need to be part of a group; part of something bigger than makes them feel safe and secure -feeling that this is the only way to let their identity shine through.  So there is a tendency to seek agreement with thos around us, in relationships or passing, in that sense. 

I am led neatly to what I simply call the “A-B” approach.  It is simple, because it takes one persons opinion or view point (I think the carpet should be green, A) and the others (I think the carpet should be white, B) and combines them to achieve the best of both worlds through acceptance of each others uniqueness, hense forth creating harmony.  An integrated, A-B approach as I call it.

Ofcourse, depending on the gravity of the situation or the occasion at hand, there are more angles to take on board than simple A, B and possibly C's.  I think you see where I am coming from though.  It answers your question from my point of view, in a way , saying that there is no real need to disagree -but to agree on all terms, by incorporating each and everyone of them as equally valid.

 ”I think the wonderful thing of communication is precisely what you say; that each of us expresses a different aspect of our experience. Communication is sharing”. ~Nina

Indeed -and there are so many, many reasons for wanting to share something of ourselves with another.  We share because we wish to surround ourselves with like minds.  We wish to promote our individual identity in the face of the crowd -via communicating to them everything from our musical tastes to our political stance point.  We share with each other, the stories of our past and our aspirations for the future.  We share to connect, we communicate to celebrate these connections.

“When there is love sometimes there is not the need to talk”. ~Enlightened.thinker

Re: Communication in our marriage

This is my fourth marriage. Would you believe it is the best thing that could ever happen to a man? We've been married 25 good years.  I'm an independent thinker. My wife and I think very differently.   How can it be that we can be as one and think independently?  It is something to think about.  I invite you to visit A Better Understanding of the Universe, the responses, and then read World Peace.  

Re: Communication in our marriage

Now that you've read my thinking,  my wife says I'm on some other plane she does not understand. She is a people person.  People love her. I love her.  People wonder about me.  I underwent a radical change, starting in 1973.  It was written in the stars. Astrologers say  that I understand the laws by which subtle forces are organized. One of these days, I promise you, we are going to understand and know universal love and our true purpose for being.

Re: Communication in our marriage

Just as in any other offering of the self, I think that the reason is important.  If you put the word “sex” in for communicate and made statements like:  “When there is love there is no need to have sex” or “Showing love means having sex when the other one needs it”  “If my partner is not willing to have sex, I don't feel included”…..

You get the point.

Why we do what we do is the best indication of whether it is healthy or not.  I have one beautiful friend who wants to talk things to death because it is her form of control (her assessment, not mine).  So, her motive is fear based and her desire to communicate is controlling.

I know people who withhold communication for the same reason.  I know people who have sectioned out what they want to talk about, also out of control.

I know folks that wish to “work their stuff out themselves”, but it is also a fear based avoidance, and then I know folks that utilize a silent method to work on their stuff.

It isn't a matter of which one is “right”…. or which form of communicating shows love.  Relationships become healthy when we learn to openly and honestly express who we are - verbally and non-verbally.

Talking to yourself

Nina, this observations of yours keeps on coming back to me: “Besides lots of people only talk to listen to themselves…. ”

While I know this is not what you meant, it also reminds me that - as I see it - all communication is just that: An opportunity to express yourself and listen to yourself. Both when you do the talking and when other people (other aspects of you) do the talking…

Halina

Re: Communication in our marriage

“”It isn't a matter of which one is “right”…. or which form of communicating shows love.  Relationships become healthy when we learn to openly and honestly express who we are - verbally and non-verbally.””


…absolutely, and I think that manner  or combination(s) of manner of expression remains unique to each and every relationship in question…