staying with others in commitment

What I have noticed in relation to ideas of commitment is that our conditionings in life and our various unique cultural values suggest that as individuals we must have an opportunity to tell whole stories to another before really deciding if we can trust the “other” and yet the opportunity to present the “whole” story rarely arises in the contest of committed relationship probably due to the number of complexes with which we enshroud ourselves for protection, maintenance of our notion of separateness and so on.  We talk about “authentic” relationship as if it is a sacred cow and yet we do not seem to value much what is on the table in the present moment…and if we do see something we don't like it is almost implicit within the context that this is somehow “not authentic”.  Of course there are hierarchical values to this relationship within ourselves.  If I trust myself and my feelings then what is not to trust about my experience with another…however pleasant or unpleasant…yet in that circle of action…that is the commitment…I find myself very aware that although I wish to trust others, I have only got my teacher in that 100 percent circle at the moment and this is for me not a personal, friendly or sexual relationship and so this is the trust issue..I know I could take anything to the discussion with him and there would be all of these aspects within the relationship however they are not manifest so to speak…not necessary for the sense that “I” am committed here.  What I wonder about when we speak of commitment is how and what we are speaking of.  Are we speaking about love and freedom in the same breath?  Are we speaking about ways to minimize our footprints?  How do we make choices with regards to commitment and levels of commitment?  And a bit about myself, I seem to have a mind that is moving so fast that I am stepping out of relationships at the 100 percent place so fast I am getting dizzy.  I suppose that could be suggested as representative of my fear of intimacy if you are a psychotherapist and such, however I desire to commit to my own passion.  I love people really…I have lots of difficulty with feeling as if I have some innate knowledge in the situations I find myself  thinking well this is just so clear and obvious…doesn't everyone know this already and I am thinking even this sounds arrogant and separatist and so how can I even wonder about these things and what am I thinking…I want to learn from others….I want to get out of the teacher role really…and I do wonder if I am in “all the wrong places” somehow and I would say that I believe that I have the capacity to engage a relationship with anyone really…that others 'like” me yet it is a wonderful experience of the magic of simply knowing some indescribable aspect of being with another in the heart and soul of the experience.

Re: staying with others in commitment

I believe we cannot commit in a relationship until we fully love ourselves. Then, we know what we are looking for in a relationship and what we want to get out of the relationship. In loving ourselves, we need to trust ourselves and learn to trust the people we surround ourselves with. I feel like from what you're describing that you have had troubles in your life with commitment. It doesn't have to be in relationships, it can just be with commiting yourself to a simple task. My other thought is that there is a void in your life missing, the emptyness of a father or someone who has walked out of your life and deep within, it is still giving you troubles committing in a relationship. I believe the commitment with another shows trust and compassion and the feelings you've always strived for. In relationships, your commitment will grow stronger and the trust and love for another will grow bigger, it all just depends on how you decide to handle it.

Re: staying with others in commitment

Thank-you Amanda for your observations and while it has been partly true of my past that I have felt some great void or lack, I have somehow arrived at another place altogether which does not really now dwell upon losses such as these.  It is true for me that I have a “magnificent” capacity to observe others in their relationship to the idea of commitment.  I think I was really searching for a broader understanding of the idea of staying in the process of understanding that no matter what is being said what is being sought for in any human relationship is really “understanding” or being “allowed” into the relationship with another regardless of preconceived notions of what you or I might intuit from the person in front of us.  I think that is what I mean about the 'whole' story…the discovery and magic and sometimes rather difficult and possibly unpleasant possibility of exploration with sincere intention to the best outcome for all.  I think there is a lot of lip service paid to the notion of commitment and I really think that I along with many other people have difficulty with that process when it gets a little messy.  Of course there are times to exit and what are those times??? I do not want to hurt others in life…sometimes the best course is to stay committed to the integrity of my own being..I struggle with remaining as true to my own nature as I can while experiencing quite often the indignation and so on of others should I ask a question about what their experience is of the idea of commitment.  It is a complicated and drawn out affair really to mention to others that perhaps while they believe they are committed to a person they are really committed to whatever benefit they might glean from the relationship…It is difficult.  I am learning not to be afraid to express myself yet I feel very alone sometimes when others jump to conclusions such as the reason I am alone is because someone has abandoned me and I cannot get over it…and so on…I must leave at the moment as I have no more time…I appreciate your response and will think some more on the thoughts you have…bye for now

Re: staying with others in commitment

One important thing about commitment, often overlooked, is that unconscious commitments, usually made a long time ago, have an awesome power to affect what's going on right now. Just today I was working with a woman who was trying to figure out why another relationship had fallen apart unexpectedly. As she explored it, she realized she had made an unconscious commitment to NOT being in a close relationship, based on a sexual abuse experience when she was 15. It was quite beautiful to see the look of freedom and relief on her face when she realized that there was nothing “wrong” with her, just that she was being run by an old unconscious commitment she no longer wanted to keep.

Re: staying with others in commitment

Thank-you so much Gay.  i feel an enormous gratitude for your observation in relation to unconscious commitment.  I think I have never considered that unconscious and commitment could be linked together this way.  In fact, I can feel compassion growing exponentially in relation to this new understanding about the meaning of commitment.  It  seems then we might choose on the basis of this kind of commitment to link ourselves with others who are struggling with a similar kind of commitment.  Or perhaps our shadow selves choose for us as I know they are wanting to come out and play.  Thank-you, this insight is very powerful for me personally and will help me to understand much in my relationships with others.