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Conscious Relationships

If you're interested in relationships that thrive on commitment, authenticity, personal responsibility and appreciation, this is the place for you. Kathlyn and I formed this group in response to the interest from the Gaia community in our telegathering on creating conscious relationships. It's our hope that members will share their experiences, ask questions and contribute to a growing societal...(more)
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How to listen, resolving conflicts gracefully, speaking from the heart, ending blame and criticism
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  Jessica : The Evolutionary Connector - Gaia

How to respond in the face of criticism and blame?

Jessica said May 21, 2008, 11:59 AM:
 

How do you respond to your partner when they are blaming or criticizing you? What do you do if they do not want to take responsibility for their actions?

I know you can look to see how you've created the situation and take responsibility on your part, like you mentioned in the teleGathering, but what is the best way to respond when someone is criticizing and blaming you? Is there any useful way to carve a way to responsibility for both people?

Oh, and I found this very interesting article from the NY Times about retaliation and blame. It basically says that psychologically we relate to our own pains as more real and serious than those of others and that we naturally have difficulty assessing relative hurt and thus feel justified in our blaming and retaliation. So, we have to work against that proclivity.

Thank you!
  shivvy88 : Homeward Bound

Re: How to respond in the face of criticism and blame?

shivvy88 said May 21, 2008, 12:36 PM:
 

Well this a difficult question because of our old habits of blaming and so on.  what I would do is try to hear whatever the person was saying in my heart and try to discover what they want from me and then give it to them…well maybe what they think they want is different from how they are feeling and so on…as the problem appears to belong to them due to the evidence of the blaming and criticism and so on.

.I know it is difficult because all of these feelings are rocking the boat in a way and even maybe some talk about yes they are right I have pride and I did not do my share of the housework last week and so on. As well if you tried to give them a big hug after they were engaged in the criticism of you and all these miserly feelings they must be having they might take offense. 

 However if their behavior is abusive I would simply evacuate either temporarily or permanently depending upon the intention of the individual.  My question would be one something like this:  Is this individual aware of how he/she is presenting themselves in relationship with me and do they consider our relationship to be one of reciprocity and egalitarian by nature?

I want my relationships with people to be of a loving nature and perhaps sometimes people are coming up with some observations about difficult stuff in our relationship.  I prefer to believe that we each of us have the opportunity to reflect and be creative in resolving bad habits such as blaming others and so on.  Becoming conscious in our relationships might mean that we will be more compassionate and creative with ourselves and with others when we decide to point our fingers outwards and in the opposite direction that is the opportunity afforded to admire one's own absolute divinity and perfection and so  on…

I'd like to add that I sometimes assume that when someone is engaged in telling me what a troublemaker I am that what they want from me is to agree with them about the terrible state of affairs life has afforded them in having to put up with a troublemaker such as myself….maybe they want me to give them some space and so on…

In another way, I firmly believe that I must hold my ground within myself and stay as present as possible with my own feelings.  A verbal or other kind of Response at that particular moment of criticism is usually regarded as defensive and why exactly would one be defensive if there was not some sort of trigger or hook in the comment.  Creative communication….with a dose of self love and humor usually works well
  ~KES : Communicator

Re: How to respond in the face of criticism and blame?

~KES said May 23, 2008, 4:14 AM:
 

Good question Jessica!  One thing I have learned about someone being critical, is that something is being withheld from that person who is being targeted.  What I do is 'pull that string' by talking to find what is missing if possible.


The NY Times article is a great one to read.  It reminds me of the adages

People Who Live in Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones

One of the favorite pastimes of many people is to criticize others. Some spend their entire lives finding fault in the actions of their neighbors, friends, and even strangers. Unfortunately, many of the people doing the complaining need look no farther than themselves to find fault.

This is where the adage “People Who Live in Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones” come from. If someone is open to the same type of crticism they are leveling, they shouldn't level it! Consider the case of some of the politicians on Capitol Hill lambasting President Bill Clinton for having an affair. When it was discovered that some of those who spoke out most against the president had their own naughty predilections, they suddenly fell silent. The “stones” that they had thrown against the president ended up destroying their own lies (their “glass houses”). Worse, the embarrassment they suffered was much worse than if they had remained silent on the Clinton issue, because they were shown to be a hypocrite in addition to all of the other terrible things they were!

If someone needs correcting for their actions, please try to do it in private and only after you have fixed any such problems in your own life. That way, there will be much less shattered glass lying around!