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DIVING DEEPER: A Writing Workshop

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Writing from the Diving Deeper moderator team. (Sometimes a moderator will post their response to an assignment in the 'Responses to Assignments' board).
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  Sandra : Inspirational Ambassador

Feeling No Rain

Sandra said May 31, 2007, 2:19 PM:
 

Written a couple of months ago:

Feeling No Rain

I try to remember the words of the Apache song Reiichi and I chose but I can’t remember anything and then we are here. Susie opens my door and I feel the cold. May. Wedding month, sodden with rain. Damp air seeps between the lace flowers on my stockings. I pick up my hat, press the black felt back into shape. It got all squashed, my hands pulling at it, trying to feel something that I should be feeling, trying to remember the song but I can’t and here we are already at the gate to the park.

No-one else is here. Where are they? Did they know which entrance? My stomach rolls over and I stand up too fast. Blood rushes to my head and I sit down again forgetting I left my hat on the car seat. I want to cry but Susie carefully pats it out. – Here, let me, she says, and puts it on my head. The veil falls neatly over my face. Everything soft focus, little dots of light amongst black lace. I feel better now. Protected. No-one will see my red yes. Where is everyone ? Susie takes my arm, steadies me. Whispers into my ear, - It’s your day. You look beautiful. – But there’s no-one here, where are they? She doesn’t answer, just gives my arm a squeeze and guides me down the brown path through the oak trees. It’s dark and I have to lift my veil to see where I’m going. I try to remember the words again but my mind is thick and thudding. All I can think of is my black heels sinking into the mud. I wish I’d brought another pair. I could have changed into these once I got to the bridge. It’s too late now. My shoes are filthy. And then I see the sun through the trees, it blinds me for a moment and I hear voices but I don’t understand, it’s all in Japanese. I wonder where my mother is. Did she find her way?

- Slow down, Susie whispers. –He’s not here yet, we’d better wait a bit. We stand just outside the copse, watching the sun playing hide-and-seek between greying clouds. - Don’t rain, please don’t rain, I pray, but it doesn’t look hopeful.  My mind scratches at me. What are the words? I can’t even remember how it begins. Something about feeling no rain and riding out the storms, and nothing about God, I know that. There’s bears in there somewhere I’m sure and a wolf too, a lone one. Reiichi wanted that. But nothing makes sense so I close my eyes and rub my lips together. I start to bite them and then stop, I’ll eat all the lipstick off, I can’t do that. I want to look beautiful but I feel like a shipwreck with no-one but Susie to man the sails.

I open my eyes. It must be time now. Where’s Jamie? He said he’d be here early, he has to. He’s giving me away. Away? I don’t want to be given away but I want my brother. Where is he? I knew I should have given everyone maps.

- Jamie’s not here, I say but Susie isn’t next to me. I’m talking to a big tree and it feels cold and not huggable. I pull down my veil and walk towards the bridge. I can hardly see the people. That’s good and then Jamie’s running towards me, his long mousey blonde hair flapping behind his head. – Here Bunny, he says, handing me something, I don’t know what it is. I’m frozen with cold and fright and worrying about my muddy shoes but then I look at what he’s put in my hands. It’s a bunch of dandelions, my wedding bouquet. I start to weep. I love dandelions. – How did you know? I ask, but he just smiles and flattens down his hair to cover his ears. He takes me by the arm and we walk together, little dots of light and tears swimming in my eyes until I see Reiichi. He’s standing alone, at the edge of the bridge, sniffing the air. He’s head to toe in black leather, except for the white cross of his Mon on the back of his biker jacket. He looks like an angel. His velvet skin glows, his girl’s lips are a ruby bow, smiling softly. He’s looking at me and my heart stops. I love him, I do, my porcelain doll, my half-Japanese Samurai street-kid biker. Jamie lets go of my arm and Susie is back, pulling my skirt down at the back. - Oh God, did it get stuck in my panties or something? I keep walking through the people, all looking at me. I don’t recognize most of them. They’re Reiichi’s father’s family, flown in from Japan this morning. Reiichi’s Jeet Kune Do students stand in a fist on one side of the bridge and my mother is on the other side, looking like she’s counting the minutes to her flight back to Ireland and then I try to remember the song again but I don’t.

© 2007 Sandra Jensen
 

Re: Feeling No Rain

Gabriele [no longer around] said Jun 1, 2007, 12:26 AM:
 

great reading another bit of the Reiichi story - it does seem to have potential for a longer novel. I love the I-characters voice, she is so real. I love seeing through her eyes, feeling what she feels, having her thoughts. there is a deep sadness weaved into, or better, that is how I read it and what is touched in me. like there is a cloud hanging over what is happening, even the love is clouded with sadness… ah, I might be a bit out of practice, don't get it across any better right now.

I'd love to hear more about Reiichi and her, I'd read a whole novel from this voice, there is a resonance of truth in it, a voice that touches me, I'd follow her where ever she takes me. she has me in her grip, she's interesting, I keep wantig to know what happens next.

Gabriele
  Sandra : Inspirational Ambassador

Re: Feeling No Rain

Sandra said Jun 1, 2007, 2:57 AM:
 

Thanks Gabriele! I'm going to post a version of the same scene, written about 4 years ago.
The piece above was written in a 20 minute timed session, the other simply 'freefall', without time limits. I'm very curious how it lands with you ( and others) as compared to this one.

~ Sandra
  Sandra : Inspirational Ambassador

Feeling No Rain vs 1

Sandra said Jun 1, 2007, 3:06 AM:
 

Written in 2003:

~~

It’s cold. Too cold for May. Too cold for a wedding. Definitely too cold for a wedding in a park. At least it stopped raining.

I step out the car, holding my hat tightly. The short black veil brushes against my skin. Everything looks softer through the net.

I feel beautiful.

“Here you are!” says Susie, my bridesmaid. She’s wearing an embroidered purple shawl over a mauve knitted cardigan. A long cotton dress with splashed with rainbows. She hands me a bunch of pink Chrysanthemums.
“No, you take them,” I say, giving her a hug. It doesn’t fit, she doesn’t fit, but I’m glad she’s here. I don’t have any other friends coming.
My mother looks cold. Uncomfortable in her straw sun hat. 
“My cigarettes! I’ve left them behind.”
“There’s a corner store over there.”
My brother Jamie sprints across the road, cars honking, and then sprints back.
“I don’t have any money.”
Nor do I. I don’t think brides are meant to carry small change.
Susie shoves her hand in her cardigan, hands Jamie a five-dollar note.
“Oh don’t go to any bother, I’m fine, really,” my mother says, getting pink in the face.
“Come on, we’re late.” I’m feeling scratchy inside and I’ve just stepped in a muddy puddle.

The steps down into High Park are lined with people. My guests. No one I know. A group of women smile at me encouragingly. Blue eyes. They must be the cousins from Reiichi's step-mother’s side.  Two over-dressed Japanese men are next to them. I wonder why they are so cramped together until I see the garbage bag they are standing on. Their shoes look expensive and very shiny. Reiichi's biker friends are here. I recognize the slouching, the shoulder bumping, their eyes slipping off mine like butter melting too fast. One of them is wearing spurs.

I look up ahead, to the little bridge. The stream’s almost dry. Reiichi's back is towards me, his square shoulders accentuated by the stiffness of his black leather jacket. His father is next to him, his stepmother on the other side. They look like mannequins, smiling to no one in particular. Waiting. His mother is standing underneath a big willow tree. She’s leaning heavily on her cane, staring at the mud.

A video camera turns its glassy eye on me.
“Smile!”
It’s Ruff, Reiichi's kick boxing student. We never asked for the video. Now I’m on set, the lead actress, the star. Everyone is looking at me. I move slowly, as if through glue, through the make-believe, smiling.

“Here you go!” Jamie says, putting a small bunch of dandelions in my hand.

I’m going to cry.

I can’t cry. I’m on camera and this isn’t the right moment so I walk on, step by step, careful in my high heels, my black fishnet stockings. Jamie’s at my side, Sophia behind me with my mother.

There’s a whispering in my head.
What am I doing here?  Reiichi takes my hand. Squeezes it once.

“I love you Tig,” he whispers.
The Reverend smiles at us and then coughs gently to the crowd.
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here before this company to join together this man and this woman in marriage, which is an honourable estate forever made new by those who pledge themselves freely to one another…”

The words swim by. I wonder if my lipstick is smudged.
“None of my marriages ever break up,” the Reverend said at our first meeting as she reached out and gently touched our intertwined hands.  I believed her.

A crow swoops down, settling on the bridge’s handrail. It turns its one blue-black staring eye towards me. I try to remember if one crow is lucky. Maybe it’s two crows. I don’t know. Reiichi shifts beside me.

“I will,” he says.
“I will,” I say.
Is that it? I thought it was “I do?” Oh that bit’s coming, I remember now. The crow cackles.
“Repeat after me,” says the Reverend, touching my elbow. I’m sinking in her eyes, Reiichi's breathing filling my ears, and then I hear my own voice. It’s unfamiliar, something that doesn’t belong to me. A solid object. I want to give it away, so I say the words.

“I, Anna, take you, Reiichi, to be my wedded husband, from this day forward, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, and thereto I pledge my sacred trust.”

My hand is warm, safe, resting on Reiichi's as he puts the ring on. It slips on my cold finger easily, too easily. It's going to fall off so I curl my fingers up, pressing my nails into the soft flesh of my palm. It's Rei's turn, and I put the ring on his finger. His hand is nearly the same size as mine. Neat fingernails, knuckles as soft as velvet. And then it starts to rain.



 
@ 2007 Sandra Jensen