not me assignment - climbing inside

Not Me – Climbing Inside.
20 minutes

‘It’s dark in here’ Christine said. Her voice was small and plaintive. Christine reached blindly for the door, but couldn’t figure out which way she was facing. Sound did nothing  in the small closet. Her voice did not carry very far. It was like talking into a pillow. No echo, only dead air.

‘Shut up.” Christine’s mother said through the heavy wooden door.  She was standing on the other side, holding the old iron key between her fingers. Christine’s mother waved it slightly back and forth in front of her face. Christine couldn’t see her. It was a good thing. Her mother’s face was contorted with sick delight as she planned what came next. Christine tried to turn herself around in the closet. It was packed with old boxes and a broom that was never used because it was too big for Christine to hold on to. Christine knew the end of the broom though. The sharp straw still poked into her arms and snagging her sweater.

“It’s hard to breathe. Momma, I want to come out.” Christine tried to be brave. She was crying but didn’t want Momma to know. Christine was starting to get hot. Sweat trickled down her back and from underneath her straight bangs down the side of her face. She struggled to take off her sweater. Her head got stuck as she pulled it over, then Christine realized her left arm was also stuck. Her heart pounded in her ears as she pulled again and again but nothing would come loose. She bumped against the walls. Plaster dust rained down on her, making her cough. Christine pulled hard one more time and finally the sweater came off. Christine took a deep breath and coughed again. She was relieved all the same.

“Don’t whine you little brat. You know what you did. This is your punishment. If you keep asking to come out I am going to leave you there all night.” She snapped. Christine’s mother turned and looked at the clock. She sucked on her teeth and clicked them with her tongue. She slammed the key down on the kitchen table and shouted at the closet door.

“You see, you little shit. You made me miss the beginning of my show. You sit there in the dark and think about what a bad girl you are. Think about how you much you deserve to be in there with the bugs and spiders. You’re only coming out when I say so.” Christine’s mother stomped into the living room and turned on the television. She turned the volume up loud so that she couldn’t hear Christine calling from the closet. She stepped around the coffee table and flopped down onto the threadbare sofa and stuffed a worn under stuffed pillow under her cubby head. Christine’s mother took out a cigarette and lit it. She inhaled deeply and with a sigh of relief let the smoke flow out her nostrils like a sick old dragon.

Christine hugged her knees tightly in the closet. She knew that her mother would not let her out for at least an hour, until her show was done. Maybe longer if she fell asleep on the sofa again. She had no choice but to wait. Christine closed her eyes. She could still picture her mother lying on the sofa, smoking. The ashes would crumble off the end of the cigarette and land on the old beige carpet. There were little black holes where the hot ashes had fallen and smouldered until her mother got up and smothered them with the heel of her yellow slippers.

The carpet had been a dusty rose colour at one time. Christine had discovered this while trying to hide from her mother behind the book case in the corner of the living room. Christine never remembered seeing the entire carpet looking like that. Like soft tongue of a kitten. It made her sad to realize it. She didn’t have time to think about it much longer that day. Seconds later, her mother found her and hauled her out from behind the bookcase by the arm. She dragged Christine to the kitchen and hit her back with the flat of her fat hand until Christine could no longer stand.  Christine couldn’t remember what she had done that day to deserve it.  Just like she couldn’t remember why her mother had shoved her in the closet today, but probably it was because she hadn’t folded the towels the right way, or she had played outside too long and didn’t get the coffee maker started in time for when Momma woke up. Christine didn’t know. She knew better though than to ask.

Christine sighed and listened to the muffled sounds from the television through the thin walls. She couldn’t tell the difference between the commercials and the story. The sounds blended together into a weird barely heard song. Christine closed her eyes and rested her head on her knees. Her eyes snapped open. Christine panicked at first because she didn’t know where she was. She was confused because it was still pitch black dark. Then it came back to her where she was. Her nostrils stung. They were filled with smoke. Christine scrambled to her knees, scraping them against the edge of something, a cardboard box probably. Christine didn’t understand what was going on. There was a crackling sound that was getting louder, fighting with Momma’s screams. Christine didn’t move. Smoke, sirens and her mother’s shrieking filled the darkness.
~

Re: not me assignment - climbing inside

This is fantastic…  The imagery is so vivid!

Blessings
-yvette

Re: not me assignment - climbing inside

Now I will be honest here Leigh -Anne. I felt compelled to read but a big part of me was saying “dont go here please dont go here.” 
But I'm someone who cant watch or read murder mysteries or anything with too much tension and my biggest problem here is I work with children who may have experienced just exactly this event. More often though its the mothers I see who have experienced this as a child and I have had people describe such an event, being locked in the cupboard.
It fits the reality really well.
I also sensed there was something coming and that fitted well when the smoke and the mother screamed. There is this hope that Christine will somehow be found and escape or some other existential thing will happen to find reprieve. I also was reminded of the Lion the witch and the wardrobe in Narnia and half expecting something like the cupboard in that. So you got me in in spite of my initial anxiety about it.

Re: not me assignment - climbing inside

thanks so much Yvette and Jenny - I really appreciate your comments…This was a hard one for me to write. I was fighting tooth and nail from the start. I actually didn't even want to start writing in the first place last night. I made all kinds of excuses not to. I didn't know what was coming up but I didn't want to face it. I did start and then I didn't want to continue, I didn't like what was coming up but I had to. I was spent by the end of the 20 minutes (which felt much much longer than that). This story really challenged me - how to identify what is not me and what is me within the characters. What characteristics and habits I despise, what is so far from me now and how closely I need to look into the mirror. Without going into any personal detail, the little girl is me in many ways, and the mum not me, but I knew her well - aspects of her anyway. I can't help but think about something I read the other day - about how characters have so much depth when there is some inner turmoil. We can develop a story, the characters, experiment with how they shape each other, shape themselves. I don't know if I will continue this story, but if I do, there will definitely be some inner turmoil to deal with. I also know it will take some courage on my part to sit with it all.

xo
la

Re: not me assignment - climbing inside

Leigh-Anne, what an amazingly and painfully gripping miniature! This story seems to be complete, it's a whole little story on it's own, has got all it needs. The tension is quite strong from the beginning, it becomes obvious very soon that something is very wrong here. The character of the little girl, Christine, comes across just beautifully. She is great in her point of view, the story is totally believable and gripping in sensuous detail and her inner dialog.

There were two very little language things I stumbled over, where I wasn't sure whether there wasn't too much grown up judgement in there, whether Christine would really describe her mother like that.

One was when she sees her like a sick old dragon, there I wondered whether Christine would call her mother 'sick'. I might, you might, but her?

The other was the bit when her mother beats her with the flat of her fat hand and I thought Christine would not say 'fat', or would she?

I'm not completely sure about this since English is not my mother tongue, so I might be off here. But it's interesting for me to have that sense about the language not being totally in tune with the character and her age at these points, since I am working my way towards editing a short story where I got similar feedback and feel a little more sensitized for this kind of detail now.  :) 

I agree with Jenny, this is a very painful story, but as many here know I very much love stories that contain intense detail and emotionally challenging issues so it's right up my alley. Very well done.

I love how we get a bit of the background story as well, just enough to see what Christine has been through with her mother and to understand the tragedy of what is happening, how things kind of have been leading up to this moment.

I have been told in response to my last story about an abused child to be aware that, no matter how badly children are treated by their parents, these children love their parents nevertheless and would wish for nothing else but to get back to them should they be taken out of the family.

So even though Christine is being beaten and locked up and her mother comes across as a heartless and even cruel child abuser, the child deep in her heart is likely to love her mother, even if she gets hurt by her. She might even try to find excuses, or feel guilty for being such a bad girl. She comes across too young to be judgemental, just as she isn't able yet to understand or even reflect her situation, which you have shown beautifully.

Very tough theme, very well done! I find these intense stories surprisingly easy to write, once I have given in to the impulse of going there when I see it coming. I remember Sandra saying that the torture scenes in one of her longer pieces here on DD were surprisingly easy to write. I think the hardest part is to get over the reluctance to go there when cruelty and violence, abuse or whatever other painful issue comes up. Somehow there seems to be a deep knowing about these things we can access (if we don't write from experience but well, in some ways we always write from experience, emotionally anyway, you know what I mean…).

I think what makes this story feel real and true is your amazing skill to go into sensuous detail and description. I am struggling with exactly that these days and find you are truly a master of presence and precision when it comes to making a situation come to life. Wonderful writing and wonderful detail here, as always.

Sound did nothing  in the small closet. Her voice did not carry very far.

What a great description. It's sensuous in a way that I know immediately what it must be like in there.

Christine’s mother waved it slightly back and forth in front of her face. Christine couldn’t see her.

If you edited this story I would advise you to take out things like the above, because you leave the pov of the girl. (Another thing I was told about my own story, and I can see here how much sense it would make. The story comes across much more powerful, I think, when you stay with the the girl's pov. Even though it's in third person and there obviously is a narrator I would in no way give this narrator a voice of their own or draw any attention towards them by stating things Christine cannot know. Well, that's me, anyway.)

Same when her mother looks at the clock. Christine can imagine her doing certain things from what she hears and what she knows about her mothers habits, but I would rethink whether you really want to have narrator's pov in addition to the girl's. Sometimes this works great, but for this story my sense it it takes away from the flow of the story as it happens to Christine. And now I'll be quiet about this and leave it up to you!  ;)

There were little black holes where the hot ashes had fallen and smouldered until her mother got up and smothered them with the heel of her yellow slippers.

This is great detail, too. Not only leads it to the scene with the beating, which is an important detail to understand Christine's situation, it also points discretely towards the tragic and fatal end of the story. Very well done, I find.

Sending much love, hope to be around more again next week!
Gabriele

Re: not me assignment - climbing inside

oups, part of the first quote has gotten lost in transition… I meant to quote the whole thing - Sound did nothing  in the small closet. Her voice did not carry very far. It was like talking into a pillow. No echo, only dead air. - to show what a great description I thouhgt it was.

My English seems a little rusty, sorry, I hope I'm making sense. Gotta be in touch more to keep it fluent!

:)

Re: not me assignment - climbing inside

oh wow thanks Gabriele - what great tips you have given me. Yes, I see what you mean about it being stronger if it is only from Christine's point of view… and it is interesting, I realize now that the description of the mum, fat and sick - are very much from me not Christine. easily fixed in a rewrite!

I really appreciate what you wrote, and it is helpful for sure - I don't know about being a master though ;-) I just write what I 'see' in my head at the time of writing… photographer's mind maybe I don't know. Anyway, thank you for your thoughts!

xo
la

Re: not me assignment - climbing inside

Leigh-Anne, I know what you mean by 'just writing what you see in your head'. When I try to write what I see in my head I tend to get distracted into all kinds of possibilities that I see opening up at the same time. It takes a lot of practice to be able to weave all those details into the texture of your story and I think all the writing you have done has sharpened your senses and expanded your skills.

You may not be aware of it because you really have a lot of writing practice, and spiritual practice doesn't hurt either when it comes to being able to focus and stay with one thought, one scene, one picture, zooming in there plus putting what you see into words while you're zooming… that's a LOT!

To me this has become kind of your trademark, something I really admire and soak up in your writing when I look through the eyes of a fellow writer, and it is what makes your scenes alive and touching for me as a reader. The whole picture, all those details, the tone of voice, it's a lot we get from you.

Struggling with zooming in and staying focussed in one scene much more then I have been aware of, I really appreciate you leading the way.  :)

Glad my remarks re the pov were helpful!

Much love,
gg

Re: not me assignment - climbing inside

You may not be aware of it because you really have a lot of writing practice

eh yes, you are right - I don't really think about it too much, because of how I approach each assignment etc. but it is true, I've had a lot of practise, more than I probably realize, which is why it seems to come so easily now. It does take some patience I think to zoom in and stay focused on a scene, to let what needs to come out come out - and not force it in any way…

When I try to write what I see in my head I tend to get distracted intoall kinds of possibilities that I see opening up at the same time.

I think mostly I do it without thinking, not sure exactly how toexplain it. I just go by instinct for the most part, imagining what itwould be like to be in the other person's skin or in a room orwherever. what does it feel like, smell like (smell is so powerful forme) and what could I possibly hear or touch, but I ask those questionsall at once since there is only a short time to write in. Comes in aflash - and then I just write it out. I try to not fight with whatever is coming up - save that for the second draft… so far it seems to work ok. maybe won't always I don't know!

thanks again- and if I am leading by example, ok, I am happy to do that. You are my inspiration to start sending out work ;-)
xo

Re: not me assignment - climbing inside

This is such a good learning experience for me. There is something that has occurred to me though. Gabrielle wrote:


So even though Christine is being beaten and locked up and her mother comes across as a heartless and even cruel child abuser, the child deep in her heart is likely to love her mother, even if she gets hurt by her. She might even try to find excuses, or feel guilty for being such a bad girl.


In my experience this is often true but not always. When a child has very problematical attachment to the parent you can get a negative attachment and still loving her, but I have also met children who really dont feel that way. 
So I am wondering if its a good idea to not always go with generalisations in writing and instead go with your instinct about each character. This does require really living inside the character and sensing what this particular child will feel and can be very challenging I imagine. I wonder what others might think. 

Re: not me assignment - climbing inside

Jenny, great you came back to clarify this! I totally trust in Leigh-Anne's ability to stay tuned with what Christine might feel and make it come across authentically, but I am not that sure about my own abilitiy!  ;)

What you to attention here is really important to keep in mind. In my stories editing today the child turns out to really not want anything to do anymore with his mother but keeps hoping for his dad to come and go away with him… and I was very insecure whether that was actually a realistic turn. It's probably really just my mind trying to 'get it right' and I love what you say about living inside the character and sensing what this particular child will feel - absolutely yes to that and thank you for the reminder.

Re: not me assignment - climbing inside

Leigh-Anne, glad you came back to say some more. I think the key word here for me is patience - that definitely rings a bell and is something that needs a LOT of practice and committment from my side.

Patience doesn't exactly come naturally for me, and zooming in proves to be a huge challenge. I think what happens is that I loose touch with my senses easily and end up seeing the things unfold in my head more in a general way, from a bigger perspective, which can be very helpful sometimes when you need to get an overview and want to analyze a situation, but keeps me writing summaries instead of developing scenes when it comes to writing.

(Yes, I'm exaggerating, but really just a little bit. I was shocked when it dawned on me how hard it really is for me to zoom into sensuous detail, and now that I realised it, I want to fix it, and pronto! Immediamente! Subito! )

;)

Re: not me assignment - climbing inside

I enjoy seeing your comments Gabriele. After I wrote that about children loving their mother or not, I thought to myself “Ok you've said it now think of a specific example.” At first I was remembering examples where the child had been removed and was in foster care and I thought “maybe I got it wrong, what about children still with the mother.” Then I remembered twin girls I worked with when I was a school counselor years ago. They were nearly 10 when I first saw them and together they actively requested that I help them get away from their mother. This is highly unusual but I suspect that because they were very attached to each other the need for any attachment to the mother was less powerful. She was very physically and verbally abusive and neglectful to the point of refusing to feed them much of the time, so there was no part of the relationship that was good. A parent can be bad at times and good at others so if you cant love the bad part you cling to the good. 

Re: not me assignment - climbing inside

thank you both so much for your responses… I haven't written more on this one, not because there isn't more to write (dreamed of the story last night in fact) but I just wanted to say thank you. The situation and relationships are often very complex and I don't know that I personally can say either way that something could be said or not because of what is generally accepted to be age appropriate or situation specific… I did want to clarify what I meant when I said that I realized that the description of the mother being sick and fat was my own description of her, not necessarily Christine's because there was a line blurred and I wasn't allowing myself to be the objective writer… I suspect that in the darkness, alone with herself, Christine might in fact think those things of her mother, but would never say it openly to anyone. I think I will have to explore it at some point with the next sit down for the story… :-)  Having going through a similar experience myself as a child, I know only what I would do, how I would (and did) react.. maybe exploring those complex emotions would help the reader understand Christine more. I honestly don't know where the story would go at this point - the first thing to do I guess is to just write and see what happens!

xo
much love
Leigh-Anne