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DIVING DEEPER: A Writing Workshop

Do you feel compelled to write,  but something is stopping you from getting on with it?

Do you feel you have a story to tell, or simply something 'to say' but don't know how to start, or how to continue?

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  Jody : Diver

A Night Fear: Night Terrors

Jody said May 19, 1:11 PM:

 

It's not true, what my mother said.  That there's nothing there in the dark that isn't there in the light.  She said it thinking it would comfort me.  She turned the light on and then off again to prove it.  But she was wrong.  I knew it even then.  Maybe that's why, in dreams, I couldn't turn the light on.  It would be broken, or I would be paralyzed, unable to reach for it.  Flicking the switch helplessly around and around.  Hearing only an impotent click.  Or lying prone as if encased in concrete.  No movement, not even a scream.

It was a vampire, a ghost, a presence.  Invisible.  Silent.  It lived in my closet, and only came out in the dark.  Only after my mother had left.

They called them Night Terrors, and fought them with logic.  I could tell they didn't believe me.  They really thought there was nothing there.  I wanted to believe them, wanted to be normal and good and sleep though the night without screaming.  I would have done anything.  As it happens, I wasn't given a chance.

The fire started in the Master Bedroom.  A wire had been installed incorrectly.  Not grounded, or crossed, or something.  The whole wall was blazing away on the inside before the slightest whiff of smoke broke through.  And my parents were heavy sleepers.  They never woke up then I came to lie on the floor next to their bed, when I'd got lucky and made it out of my room and down the hall to theirs before the vampire got me.  Only once.  I crawled under the bed and they shrugged to one another and went back to sleep.

That night we were all asleep when the fire alarm finally got tripped.  I sat bolt upright, eyes wide, unable, for the moment, to understand what was happening.  The siren was so loud and insistent that at first I thought it came from inside my own head.  Then my brother came barreling into my room, yelling “Get out!  Get out!  Get outside now!”  He scooped me up, bedding and all, and ran.  All I could do was hold on to him.  He smelled like a camp fire, which I recognized from the time we built a fire on the beach and roasted s'mores and hot dogs and corn.  I ate too much macaroni salad.  Or maybe it had been out in the sun too long.  I threw up all over the boat and didn't get to go swimming.

Now, my brother deposited me on the front lawn, where I could just hear the fire trucks beginning to wail over the buzzing in my ears and the now muffled sound of our alarm.  My brother ran back inside the house, yelling that I should stay where I was.  That he was going to help Mom and Dad.  I sat watching the house, waiting for all three of them to come running back out through the door.  That's when the first flame became visible, licking it's way through the roof like it was the styrofoamy shell of an ice cream cone.

When the trucks showed up, they still hadn't come out.  My mother had instructed me not to talk to strangers, but to always be polite to guests.  I wasn't sure which category these men fell into, so I stood up, but stayed where I was.  One of them saw me and came over.  He had crinkly eyes, and he stooped down so he could be with me face to face, like I'd seen my father do with the new puppy up the street.

“Are you alone out here?” he asked.

I nodded yes.  I figured that was a safe response, as it didn't break either rule.

“How many people are in the house?”

I thought for a moment, then held up three fingers.  The fire man turned and yelled over his shoulder, “There's at least three of them in there!”  The other firemen were busy pulling out equipment and running around.  I heard glass breaking and saw my window fall out of its frame.

“The front door's open,” I said, pointing.  Then I clapped my hands over my mouth.  My eyes began to well up when our neighbor, Mrs. Berg, came running over in her night gown, her paisley robe flapping open and her pink. fluffy slippers threatening to fall off with every step. 

  ClevelandX : Journeyman

Re: A Night Fear: Night Terrors

ClevelandX said May 21, 5:35 PM:

 

I like how this starts.  The first sentence makes an excellent statement because mothers always say things, you just don't know that half of them aren't true until you become a teenager.
The first paragraph starts off so classically, turning the light on and off to prove that everything is normal, just looks a little funny in the dark.  It starts off classically but there is a shift halfway through the opens up so much.  People have nightmares because they can't turn on the lights in the dream.  Descriptions that are used are very solid….the impotent click….encased in concrete….not even a scream.  I love the way these all play together.

It is always a presence, doesn't matter if it's a ghost, or vampire or a giant vat creature that has 15 arms and on giant eye coming out of its stomach, just knowing that 'something' was there and it only 'was there' when mom left the room.  This is a nice reach into the back of a frightened child's mind.

Logic is good but honestly won't parents learn that that's not how it ever worked in the movies.  You can logicize all you want during the light of day but when that man from the lake is chasing you with a very large knife logic goes out the window (and so do clothes a lot of times but that's another story).  I really like this 3rd paragraph, it cements the understanding that just because a parent says so doesn't actually make it true.  There IS something there even when they say there isn't and the tricks they tell you to use to combat it don't really work.

I find a little confusion in the 4th paragraph.  It starts out talking about a fire and in the middle it seems to get crossed with the story of a vampire.  Glancing at the 5th paragraph I think I understand what is going on in the 4th.  It seems to be indicating that there was a fire (followed up in the 5th graph) and then relates how heavy sleepers the parents were by talking about another story where the kid ran into the room and they didn't wake up.

The 5th paragraph seems to fly where the 4th faltered.  It gives me more about the fire and at the same time relates deeper details about what the kid though about when she smelled smoke on her brother.  'Threw up all over the boat and didn't get to go swimming'…what a memory to have when you are being hauled out of a burning house by your brother.

Reading the next paragraph where the brother put her on the lawn and runs back, I can see what's coming but that's good.  This isn't a shocker story, it's a view from the innocence of a child.  Sitting just expecting that it will all work out, that mom/dad/bro will come out a little worse for wear but nothing that a little soap and water can't fix.  Again I really like the simple thoughts from the kid about the buzzing to the styrofoam shell of an ice cream cone.

Still thinking of what mother said about talking to strangers, still holding out hope that they will walk out of the house and be fine.  The thoughts and connections the child is making are what really grounds this story.  There's the real world and then the reality to the child, the treat/sadness in the story is that the child's reality mirrors actual reality in a side-step perspective.

Nice, simple interaction between the fireman and the child, just like they do when they visit the schools or the kids visit the fire halls during the summer.

The last paragraph is where it all hits home.  It doesn't set in until she realizes the front door is open and the neighbor is the one that is coming to console her.  There is a tragedy in the pink, fluffy slippers that nearly fall of with ever step and what the child just realized has happened.

Excellent story, thank you so much for sharing.

Peace,

ClX

  Jody : Diver

Re: A Night Fear: Night Terrors

Jody said May 25, 7:49 AM:

 

ClX, thank you for reading with your usual attention.  You've shown me things I didn't realize were there.  Yes, you're right about the 4th paragraph.  The child is remembering when she escaped the vampire and made it down the hall to her parent's room and only once did they wake up.  I'll take another look to see how it can be made a little clearer.

It's interesting that for you the story was complete as is.  I had stopped writing simply because my time (and lunch hour) was up.  But I'm liking the idea of ending the story with the neighbor's arrival.  It is clear what has happened, I think, and doesn't need to be spelled out.  Not that that's what I would necessarily have done, but well, anyway.  Yeah.

As far as the 15-armed vat and the losing of the clothes - do tell!

Thanks!
Jody

  quietlaughter : .

Re: A Night Fear: Night Terrors

quietlaughter said May 25, 8:22 AM:

 

Wowsers Jody – I’m gripped and horrified. This was so good. I was drawn in from the beginning. I am not even sure where to start, but I have goosebumps now. I loved the details:

Hearing only an impotent click.

And

They called them Night Terrors, and fought them with logic

And

The siren was so loud and insistent that at first I thought it came from inside my own head.

So concise, I had an immediate sense of what was going on. I felt like I was there. I really love descriptions that are precise, and use an economy of words, so you get just enough information to shape the scene… and what you have created here is just so vivid!

I also really liked how we were introduced to the ‘I’ character – the subtle little details that you gave about her. I especially liked this:

And my parents were heavy sleepers.  They never woke up then I came to lie on the floor next to their bed, when I'd got lucky and made it out of my room and down the hall to theirs before the vampire got me.  Only once.  I crawled under the bed and they shrugged to one another and went back to sleep.

It speaks volumes about this character, her relationship with her parents. This was another great part:

He smelled like a camp fire, which I recognized from the time we built a fire on the beach and roasted s'mores and hot dogs and corn.  I ate too much macaroni salad.  Or maybe it had been out in the sun too long.  I threw up all over the boat and didn't get to go swimming.

It’s familiar – I felt like I knew this character, could identify with her closely. Just great… and man, the ending … I don’t want it to be the ending, I want to know what happens, ack I don’t deal well with cliffhangers!!

More more more!!
xo
la