JUNE

I don't know if it's just me, but I have such a powerful need to 'chat'/talk about stuff, all kinds of stuff, writing, life, what's going on personally etc. I thought to start a thread on the Tree House about this, but maybe here is more 'contained' somehow. Anyone want to join me? I feel like I HAVE talked a lot about 'me' lately, and I missing finding out about you all (and I want to talk MORE about me of course!).
How is the writing?
How is the feeling about writing?
How is life?
How is the feeling about life?
Anything else?
The body? Relationship? God? ;-)
I'm up for anything these days. Just want to hear your voices.

S.

Re: JUNE

Sandra, bless your heart, thanks for ASKING! ;)

In many ways I'm a mess. My doctor officially has confirmed what I have felt coming for a long time. I'm in my pre-menopausal years. My hormones drive me nuts. They make me even more intense then I am anyway. Intensely grumpy, reclusive, irritable and impatient, that is. I'm only really well when left alone, so my family leaves me alone as much as is possible and practical. We will survive, I'm sure. (well, almost… ;)

The good new is that I'm writing, writing, writing. Somehow something switched. I have at last created a daily writing discipline. Morning pages seven days a week, an additional freefall session five days a week minimum - 30 minutes minimum, more when I mangage. It works.

In more then one way I'm in some kind of transition right now. I'm writing more then ever, just to realize all the things my writing lacks. At the same time I read books on writing, different sources, no book from beginning to end, just the bits and pieces that come my way, pull my attention, adding to the picture that starts putting itself together.

All in all, I learn how writing for me might work. How to deal with all the new material that I create in my freefall sessions, how to use those bits and pieces, how to work with them to develop stories and characters… it's about finding a way to teach myself how to work with what I have got. The way I do things.

I wish I had a road map, all written out from A to Z. Instead, my process so far is intuitive and seems chaotic and unstructured and all over the place (at least to my strict, well structured and sorted German mind) and a lot of the time I fear  I'm wasting my time and do it all wrong… but there is nowhere else to go right now and no other dirctions coming through.

And my writing changes. Little by little. I have declared myself a student of writing and have given myself permission to practice. Whatever occurs. No need for writing the perfect New German Short Story just yet. Just writing my ass off, colletcing bits and pieces of information I find interesting and helfpul, and hoping for the best.

And, funnily, I have started thinking about my NaNo novel these days. Haven't gotten up my nerve to actually look at the mess I've made there, but there is a character in there I feel drawn to. Maybe I'll go in there one of these day and start pulling out some of the material… I have no choice but to totally trust into the process as it unfolds. Something seems to be in charge. It surely isn't me. I keep wondering whether I should go and find myself a German writing teacher, but nothing and nobody I've found on the web so far has felt interesting and supportive enough to make any kind of effort.

I suppose I've got all I need at this point.

Phew. Sorry. This got long.
Glad you asked!

:)

Love to all.
Gabriele

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Some how I am not so scared about the writing any more. What I mean is that the 50,000 words has helped me to understand that writing what I thought was a lot really wasn't all that much. And when I remove all the computer virus issues and dramas that seemed to manifest with my resistance to write, I still made the deadline. I still had time to spare, I was just doing other things with family and friends, and all the normal house things got done, work worked, clothes got washed and food got prepared and eaten.

The drama around writing and sticking to it wasn't the monster I thought it would be. Now when I write I do it mostly on the train. Catching that train of thought and allowing it to carry me. I love writing on the train.

I did the assignment night fear, and it opened up in all kinds of perspectives. It was different for me because I think I make myself keep one perspective when I have ideas about writing and when I think about going back into Jillee's Country.  Night Fear helped me to think about perspectives in the eyes of other characters and it was cool. I am still a bit confused about how to allow that to flow, but it was cool to let the perspective bounce around.

The workshop I am creating has come to an ending of sorts and an opening up into other ideas. (I still need to type it all out, I have it all hand written and somehow I have resistance around typing it out.) I am sure the workshop helps me to understand  Jillee's Country in ways I didn't before. It leads me to understand myself in ways I didn't before. At the moment I am reprogramming my head with an affirmation focused on reversing my inner turmoil. Because my inner turmoil is my daughters' as well, and when I heal me, I help show them a way to healing.

My five year old is having an emotional time of life at the moment It's hard for me to see her express herself in such sadness all the time. But I know she is only expressing what I am suppressing. That has been a difficult pill to swallow. If I want to help her, I have to get real and help me first.

There have been a lot of illusions fading around me. Illusions I had of myself and in myself. It's only been through writing that I have come to this self responsibility. And though I have noticed things, there are still illusions that haven't faded.  

I wrote a poem, “Bees have been here” and for me this helped me to accept the flow of life. I think I have been ruffled around a bit and I feel hurt about the loss of symmetry in my life, but really that's just life… I can accept that, I will accept that and this 'winter' I am feeling will pass and spring will return.

I am doing the workshop for the young carers on the 24th and I am very excited about sharing it with them. This is personal and intimate thing for me to do. I was a young carer for my step father, who was in a wheelchair. Owning this part of my story and sharing it with the young carers is something I am passionate about. I wish I could reach back to me then and reach inside me and hold me and help me to understand myself. I wish to just be present with them and allow god to help us all find a new vibration of healing with our words.

My affirmation is “Men are Loving support” and there are all kinds of body aches and pains that buzz when I repeat that over and over. Last year I did this with Money. I reprogrammed my head with “money is loving support” I now have no overbearing anxiety around money and I always have what I need. I wish for no more overbearing resentment around men.

I want to allow myself to  feel loving support around men. I think this is what I most need healing around. It is owning that part of my story where men have not been a loving support, or I failed to allow them to support me. I want to turn that around, for me and for my girls. We all deserve loving supportive men in our lives.

This is where I am at :) Thank you for allowing a space for me to focus and define and share.

**HUGS**

xx azyh

Re: JUNE

feeling really quite teary eyed reading you both this morning. I have one minute before I promised myself I'd do some writing, trying to squeeze it into a space here this morning before I go to the dentist. Gabriele, I think you know I'm also entering menopause - my depression/tears of Jan - April I'm sure had a lot to do with this, as I had really quite horrible physical symptoms too. These have abated - I took Agnus Castus - (my German doctor suggested it). But SUCH good news about your writing process, that's just awsome.

You too Azyh, writing on the train. God. I'm impressed. And, writing from different perspectives.. this is what's happening for a new short story I'm in the middle of, and it's really pushing my “I can't do this buttons” - not writing from different point of views but how to make it work in one piece, and in a short story? AK! Did I read your Night fear assignment? I don't think so. I'll go back and have a look, sounds like I need to!

I feel hurt about the loss of symmetry in my life, but really that's just life

this really resonated with me. I dont' think I feel hurt so much but it's not comfortable that's for sure. Your affirmations… very inspiring. I think I need to tell myself 'chaos is loving support'. And big yes to loving supportive men. They do exist, I'm very grateful to have one in my life (and this hasn't always been the case, believe me).
More about me..probably repeating what I said on the Tree House.

Ever since leaving Pine Mountain I've felt like I've been plugged into some kind of malfunctioning step down transformer… When I was at the Freefall retreat, inspite of all the incredible beauty I just wanted to be back with everyone at Deena's. I wanted that air, that heat, that smell, that togetherness, that particular strong female intimacy, that love, that .. all of that.

What happens at the Freefall retreat - the 'routine' and way of interacting with each other and the writing - is so familiar to me, so it was shocking in a way how unfamiliar I found it, unfamiliar in 'this isn't fitting with me' right now. The feeling was of moving from lush nourishment into sterility. Good things did happen of course but all the time I felt such longing and as if I was scratching at myself, in a way, wanting my writing to 'catch up' with all that happened for me at Deena's.

 And now I'm in buzzy Toronto - plummeted into caring for sick husband/having massive dentistry/doing storage sorting/husband's family tribulations and a small dark room with a window that looks onto a wall, and I'd do anything to be back at the Freefall retreat where one morning I looked out onto 7 eagles dancing in the pine trees. The deer there are as tame as kittens.

Lots 'good' did happen at Freefall, of course, in terms of my writing. I 'opened out' a piece I wrote at Deena's. I think I can make it work as a story with more editing.

I also wrote another story about a woman in Bosnia - it seemed like a sister piece to another one about a woman in N.America stumbling on a video of Bosnian soldiers, one who starts to sing.  It also needs work of course.

And then, I started the story I mentioned - what will be a series of different point of view pieces set in Crete, and this is the 'big one' in the sense that it's going to be a long short story, and, if I can pull it off, a central piece for my short story collection, giving it more 'shape' as a collection, i.e. not all short 3000-5000 stories, but one long one and then some shorter ones (maybe I'll add Photographing Nell which is 9000 words) . It's really pushing me up against my limits as a writer, which is good and uncomfortable of course. But I was mid-stream when the workshop was over.

So I feel like bits of me are left on Pine Mountain, bits at Freefall, and all I want to do is wake up and sit quietly and write, and this is not happening right now, not really possible. I have a peculiar sense of urgency. I'm not good with half-finished stories, it does feel like a piece of me has fallen off and I need to find it and attach it.

A dear friend sent me this which was helpful: The theme for June -
Determination. Here's a bit from it:

“The determination that is self-generated has to do with recognizing your important choices and being determined to do what it takes to reach a desired goal or intention around those choices. There are aspects to this month that support a level of perseverance that will help the quality of determination. Determination is an energy or force you put behind something, like an engine. It is a focus without distraction that can move you towards what you really want out of life. Any distractions to this focus that do show up will be irritating and could un-ground you and cause impatience. For example if you have determined that meditation in the morning is very critical to your well-being, then any distraction to that practice from you or others would be highly irritating. You could feel guilty about taking the time; you could feel angry about the disruption from the outside. Good boundaries and discipline with the determination to keep them is what you will need in this case.”

read it all, though, there's lots more. I think it will resonate with you both.

Boy do I ever feel 'irritated' that I don't have the space to write as I did for the last weeks!

Ok, I'm 15 mins late for my writing session… determination, breathe, determination…

MUCH love and thanks so much for writing.

Sandra

Re: JUNE

you Sandra you… askin' us to divulge our selves.  oh.. well then.. ok.
I'm writing regularly.  Not everyday and always seek to create that discipline. Tho' I am on to giving myself to the thoughts of my novel constantly.
I like what I'm writing and the joy of giving some silliness to a mystery. (It takes place mostly in a Bingo Hall)  I'm really a poet who wants to go beyond poetry and write a sassy little novel, which is what I'm doing.  (Ihope)  
I must.. must give myself to the poetry muse periodically for my souls sake and let what unfolds from that fill me and push me forward.  It comforts me to give myself to the poem.
I have taken to actually organizing my little novel.  I notice that I'm terrific on the beginning (or so I tell myself).  Diving in with a fabulous idea and scribing it away with great speed and passion. then… THEN… where the hell am I fontin' going?  What the font?  and six 'little novels' sit inside the mental machine laying half dead wondering will I ever feed them another word again.  I will always believe that jumping in and letting the magic unfold is special and important to me. And…I now believe that in order to get the damn thing past a certain point I have to have a plan.  An ordered direction that can be flexible.  I have resistance.  It tears at me and I WANT to FInish a fontin' novel.  Just one to start with.  Is that asking the dreamer to much?  nope.

I have created a small writers group in my salon.  There are six of us.  I am awed… AWED.. by this group of writers and sometimes feel like meeting twice a month isn't nearly enough.  the 'dives' people make blow me away and inspire my writing.  I have to pinch myself at the wonder of them all.  I steal some of the amazing 'assignments' from here for each meeting, encouraging them to consider making DD a place for them to go for their writing.  maybe someday someone will. 

come this August, I will be taking a 14 week, creativity/muse coach training.
     Visit here…. Jill is a very inspiring and creative teacher.  
http://themuseisin.com/coaching.html
I am pretty excited by the opportunity.

All n' all life is pretty dang good.  Spring is dazzling and my gardens flourish and seduce me to them daily.  I feel blessed.
There is alway some 'stuff' that swirls and twirls the winds around me and mostly I give it a 'ha ha', bless it and open my heart to positive action.

thanks for asking… It's good to hear from others.  This is after all where it all started for me here in the NaNo regions where a gagillion words flew from the open mouths of us all and held us for 30 days.  and then some.

HOw about you dear Sandra.. ??? How about you and your journey?

xoxoox jeanne/breath







for me as a poet.write some poetry in this process to 

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jeanne, wow! you sound in such a great space. And it's so wonderful you have created a 'real life' writing community for yourself, and that you are really engaged in your writing and muse-nourishment. I'm very inspired.

Me, well… chaos indeed does reign. I have some hours to myself today and I'm avoiding writing. I'm very glad I managed NOT to have a root canal, but the rest of the dental work has been very painful and prolonged. Next week is D-day for getting our apartments-worth of stuff shipped, and then it's a round of family get togethers and maybe even meeting my ex (for the first time in years). I'm back in quiet quiet Ireland on the 23rd. I fee like I'm a TV and someone keeps switching channels…

xox

Re: JUNE

Hummmm. Much to say. I will start with apologizing for my lac of [artocpation in DD lately, been busy.  I have been traveling pretty much every other wekkend or more to see the parts of korea i missed last summer before i leave.  Leaving you ask?  Yes, i will be leaving korea the end of august.  August will be a strange month for me: i am on vacation the first week, the second week is my last week working at my job. The i have two more weeks of vacation befoer my visa ends.  I will be traveling around this part of central asia in august.

Then i head to mongolia to do some backpacking through the gobi desert for an unidentified amountof time, probably a couple of months or so.  When i feel i am done woith that i will head to the Northern Stans; Kzak, Kryg, Uzbek and will spend sme time there. Maybe even live there for a bit. So, that is the next half year for me. Should be interesting.

Writing. I just wenth through i period where i felt my writing had more strength and voice than previously.  Then i have hit what might be my first dose of avoiding writing.  i seem to want to write but whenever i create space to do so, i get distracted with something else, anything else really. I dont like it! I miss the connection ti ysefl and the world when i am writing regularly. I realize that the amount of travel and mental energy going towards leavign and my next set of adventures is part of the reasons but i have had some great writing material that i have not felt inspired to write about in the last month: 2 weekdns of Buddha's birthday celebrations, a weekend templstay at a Korean monestary, a wekend getaway in the mountians on my birthday with a special friend, a large couchsurfing community gathering at another mountian range, etc.  So much i woudl love to wrote about but cant seem to get there. Maybe telling in myslef will help the process.

Since this is on the nano thread, i just wat to mention that finishing the first draft felt really good to me.  atrue sense of 'doing something'.  I am tempted to start the post-spell check editing peice but keep putting that off as well.  The truth is that my life is full right now, very full.  I am shying away from any commitments that are not part if the list i stated above. Agaiin, my life is full right now. Not one thing i woudl complain about but that does not make it any less tiring.

Glad to hear what others are up to. I miss this kind of sharing.  Kowing that i will be probably be particiapting very little in the near future when i start the non-korean traveling is on my mind. I look frward to what al of you wrote and share of yourselves and have grown accostmoed to it and how it supports me.

OK, my 'blog entry' is now done:)

Peace and love,
michael

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Michael…Mongolia. Oh I'm so envious. Will you take me with you please? I always feel I must have spent a past life there or something (hence my love of Mongolian overtone singers eg Epi.. here and here).

Then i have hit what might be my first dose of avoiding writing.  i seem to want to write but whenever i create space to do so, i get distracted with something else, anything else really. I dont like it!

Well this seems to be true for me too right now. Perhaps I have good cause.. I'm coming down sick, and every day here in Toronto there seems to be 100 things to do, but it's also something else, can't put my finger on it. As you said, life is full right now..

Lovely to hear from you. I love this kind of sharing too.

Xo
Sandra

p.s
Anyone who reads this thread and wasn't in the NANO group, this thread is for everyone not just nano people. just feels like a more, what? Meditative? room than the tree house.

Re: JUNE

June

I know that I saw this post when you first made it Sandra, but at the time I just had nothing. No words, nothing to share. I have been in a weird pause in my writing – in my life even. It’s not a negative thing at all, just a pause, like I am waiting in a sense, and resting too. I haven’t fought with the pause in any significant way – more like a bird tapping at a closed window, admiring the world reflected in it, wondering what is inside, and then being distracted by a bug wandering by. I have written the odd thing – and have a sense that the rest period is soon to be over with a vengeance but for now, I am enjoying the relative peace.

I had ambitions in May to start going through everything that I have written since coming to DD, and first on the list was the Nano novel. I collected everything together – and minus the novel found I had 820 pages of raw material to slug through. Yeah, that didn’t actually happen, but it was a nice thought at the time. It is organized at least, and perhaps that is half the battle. I started writing an online journal about writing (well my writing not writing in general) – and have done a piss poor job of keeping it updated. Is it avoidance? Well maybe it is to some degree. I don’t begrudge the rest – I haven’t been doing much of anything generally speaking. My work has slowed down in some areas, and the fact that I don’t have to run the big festival this summer is starting to sink in – though I still have moments of panic – feeling that I have to do something, or that I am forgetting to do something but then realizing oh yes – I don’t have to run the festival this year, what a relief. Clearly, I have had too much going on - doing too much, and it is time to just slow down, be more selective about what I am doing and how I am managing my day to day… this includes writing.

I did set some goals in the past week or so. I realized that there are now 36 weeks before I turn 40. I have started a list of things that I would like to do before this happens, including writing a ‘story’ each week until my birthday. Not to make a mundane big deal about that birthday (it is significant for me for reasons that have nothing to do with the typical reactions to turning 40)…. But the true goal is to freefall into a new story each week, and see where it leads me. I should explain that I have long held the belief that making goals aren’t all that useful. Maybe good as a starting point, but really the effort put into the planning most often is better used in the actual doing of things – and I have had a little inner war for as long as I can remember with the idea of goal setting. At any rate, I have thrown out (sort of) my old belief and have set the goal. It is more like a challenge really, and I am always up for a challenge. I guess, this is just the next step for me.

I have been thinking a lot lately about my whole writing process – I wish I could identify exactly what was the trigger for me, in part it was the sudden urge to look at exactly what I have written over the past year and a half, and also what you, Sandra, have shared about your retreat with Deena. In some respects, I feel like I have really been holding back in my writing. I tend to do this – an inherent aspect of being a shy person, not being willing to let go completely, to fall in as deeply as I should. I haven’t had that ‘break through” moment yet – though I have a sense that it is out there somewhere, waiting to happen. Am I willing to do the work in order to break down those barriers that I have built up in order to make that happen? Yes and no. I think this is the root of my fear (the fear that I have mentioned before I think – in relation to writing but also I am realizing, generally). I want to, but am afraid to at the same time. Fear of fear is not a good thing – but I am there, wallowing in it.

Going fearward is what I am hoping to do in the next 36 weeks or so – but in a way I have never been able to achieve in my writing up until this point.

So this is where I am at the moment ;-)

xo
la

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la. oh so lovely to read you.

Clearly, I have had too much going on - doing too much, and it is time to just slow down, be more selective about what I am doing and how I am managing my day to day… this includes writing.

Did you read the shamanic forecast I linked to above? The theme for June -you seem to be absolutely on track!

hugs hugs
S.

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Reading the theme for June - these challenges are resonating very strongly with me right now:

To end up feeling isolated, rejected, self-deprecating, martyred and run by your old, bad habits.

To over identify with your external world and feel unsatisfied, stressed, worried and a failure.

These describe my challenges to a T right now. Money is a huge stressor for me. I am working part time and my partner is now unemployed and so far unable to find work - so I am “supporting” three people on a part-time income. It's more like watching my debt and my credit go further and further in the hole with each passing month. This has always been a charged conflict between us, as I imagine it is with most people when one partner has significantly less awareness of their money matters. This is probably my greatest challenge at the moment, and I am having difficulty releasing it in trust rather than blaming it all on him.

As well, our tiny apartment is depressing to live in. I'm sure it affects our emotions and attitudes more than we realize when we can't walk from any given room to the next without stepping over, around, on top of, or into something. We have given up on routine housework, and tend to do things like laundry and dishes only out of dire necessity, which of course is even more depressing when it takes 15 minutes just to find clean clothes or a bowl for your cereal. I look at all the clutter and my heart just sinks. I can't wait to move.

Stressing about all those things is making it a hell of a hard time to be a compassionate mother. I feel I'm at my breaking point. I recall the last time I realized that I needed alone time for sanity's sake, which was perhaps a month ago - I never took it, and suffered greatly for it. Yesterday I finally did it - went to the bookstore, sat down with a smoothie and read a few short stories, went for a walk and sat by a fountain, just watching and meditating. This particular mall/park is in a rather rich suburb, and I couldn't help noting that SOME people still had money to eat at fancy steakhouses and relax at ritzy bars. Not that those things are an indicator of financial stability by any means, but it would be so nice just to be able to do something like that again, just once a month or so.

My key word/meditation of late is “obedience.” As a child is told to obey his elders, so am I learning that sometimes the elders must obey the child. My son is nearly six months now. It is critical that I remember to obey the necessity of caring for him - to stop what I am doing to calm him, to follow his lead as to what he wants, and to offer what he wants or needs with grace and kindness. When I do not obey and I try to continue with whatever I'm doing, I feel such raging anger if he continues to be upset. It's silly, and it's all my doing for refusing to flow with the current. I am also remembering to obey the gift of writing, which I ignored for quite a long while.

Soon I will be starting school for massage therapy. From there, I hope to specialize in maternity massage, infant massage, Maya abdominal massage, and childbirth education. Perhaps pranic healing as well. My vague idea is to eventually provide a range of healing modalities to men and women, but particularly to childbearing women. I spent a long time wasting money on school before I had a clue where I was going, but when I say this now it feels right, it feels like me.

I revisited the Hai discussion and meditated on mine a bit - show. It is always hard for me to show myself; I would much rather remain shrouded in mystery. This applies to my writing as well. But this will not be possible if I want to find joy, and although I haven't quite worked through what this means on a conscious level, I know that learning to show again is my mission in this moment.

I enjoyed reading everyone's mini-autobiographies. Sometimes we don't realize how much is going on in our minds until it's all sprawled out on paper.

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mmm, coming here for a bit of quiet time with you all. Re-reading your post, Deleen, felt really good - not that what you are (were?) going through is easy, but I felt once again that I was not alone in what I'm experiencing these days.

I re- read the June forecast, and these things seem to be up for me:

- To succumb to the fear that things are moving too fast.
- To fail to prioritize what’s important
- To over identify with your external world and feel unsatisfied, stressed, worried and a failure.

There have been some lovely things about being back here in Ireland… the weather was absolutely stunning until today.  It actually felt good to be here, in the house, the garden, the quiet etc Today is the first 'irish weather' day and coincided with me feeling pretty down on waking up.

My main 'issue' is the one about prioritizing, and feeling (making myself feel) pressured about what I want to do.

Mostly I'm in the midst of trying to finish the long story I'm working on before our 'stuff' arrives from Toronto (as soon as the 3rd July) which, when it arrives, will mean at least 2 weeks of chaos in the house unpacking it all.

And of course, the other thing happening for me is not wanting to 'go back' to how it was before I left, my old habits, the general down feeling, the isolation etc.

For me the main issue is my writing - wanting to get this story off my plate, feeling very 'not' in a flowing writing space, wanting to get the short story manuscript finished and off to agents, wanting to have the other two stories i wrote recently edited etc etc etc. Wanting ( gosh, a lot of wanting!) that total focus of space that I had at Freefall, that incredible support I had at Deena's…… wanting to find a way to earn money so I *can* carve out space for myself in such places.

I try to remind myself, one step at at time.

I wonder what the July forecast will be…

Love to all,
Sandra