JULY

as per usual I'm late.
I just read the Shamanic Forecast for July…
Hah hah.
I've been telling people how much pressure I've been feeling, sometimes almost unbearably so.

Seems I'm right on target for What's Going On..

“The theme for July is HEAT. This is not so much about weather and climatic heat but rather an energetic heat that pressurizes and accelerates everything from destruction, conflict, explosion, dissolving and decomposing; to creation, healing, balance, growth and expansion. This acceleration produces change. The pressure has been building for some time, both from within and from without. Now the results will begin to surface with the additional heat.”

Results? I hope so. Otherwise this cake's gonna self-destruct in all that heat! Last night I thought I had a breakthrough with the story I'm editing. An unwell day today leaves me still struggling with it, but, I do feel some movement.

I'm not sure I'm feeling the expansion / balance part of this forecast yet. I live in hope…

xo

Re: JULY

Hi everyone!

Sandra, your Shamanic Forecast is totally nailing it, for me. Holy creep!
We have hot weather as well, on top of everything, and my body doesn't like hot weather, it gets overheated. Part of being a Pitta person with hot blood… this weather makes me boil and it's really uncomfy.

Well, I was not about to tell you all about the weather, ghees. For my part my relationship with my daughter has been boiling up preassure for a looong loong time. In my astro yesterday they said that I will be harvesting some of the things that started 14-15 years ago. That was when I devorced…

Well, I have been in Japan for 3 weeks and out there it became painfully evident that me and my daughter are on a collision course. She was acting really bad. When we came home I had to 'punish' her, therefore I did send her to her daddys. She don't want to be there for longer periods.

So she has been there for a week when she calls me and ask's if she can come home for a weekend. Me, my soft potato, had been missing her with my empty nest syndrome and all said okay.

Nope, we are not balanced yet, not by a longer shot. So she will return to her daddy's. She needs to learn how to adress me whith an adault manner and not with a whinny and extreme teenagely way. I have had enough of it now and do not accept it anymore. I feel like I was just a wallet to her. Buy me this and buy me that mom - and if I do it (me idiot) I am treated like a piece of shit afterwards. “What are you stirring at? Shut the door and go away. Now! …duh”

I need to learn a lot as well. A lot. But one thing is for sure, she is getting it as well, if she treats me like that there will be penalty.

At her dad's she acts like an angel I've heard. She makes food and washes the dishes and stuff. It's hard to digest. Makes me sad.

Oh my, I'm just vomiting it all up here. Sorry.

When it comes to writing there is nothing going on over here. Too tired at the moment. Just read the June thread and it is fantastic how you guys manage to walk the path. Gabriele, it is amazing that you have it as a routine now, writing every day.

I have not done anything with my NaNo novel, with Lizzy. She is resting in piece for the moment. And the draft needs to practically be re-written completely. Don't have the energy partly because of the hot weather and partly because of the other struggle. But I'm not worried, it will return again, although, I will be alone soon again. Dispite my daughters manners at the moment I see a lot of progress there, longer glimpses every now and then (it's not all black). She is 17 and in couple of years she will be on her own, as will I. I need to start to pull my own life as a single person together.

Actually, I am pretty strong personanily so her freeing process needs perhaps to be fierce. This is normal.

So the cunning empty nest thing is good for my writing, right? I will be needing it.

Gosh it helped to “chat” with you guys. Feel much better again.

xo

Re: JULY

hmmm… well, yeah - July. thanks for the link to the forecase for July Sandra. Weatherwise - we are having the opposite of heat here, but I definitely have the sense that the 'real' heat is coming this month. I do fervently hope that the current 'heat' in my life continues to produce some good results… this morning I found out that a grant that I wrote for the children's charity I work for was approved. I have had some success in the past with writing grants but this one (close to $800,000) is HUGELY significant to the future of the charity and I am so grateful for the fact that things came together for the grant. I did a little dance when I found out, I'm not afraid to admit it.

On a personal front - yeah there's heat, the kind that is like burning deadwood in a campfire… this is no joke, but I put a fire pit in my garden a couple of weeks ago and the night before I took my daughters to summer camp, I swear that there was a dragon in the fire. I took video. I haven't uploaded it anywhere but I will if anyone is interested. Of course, reading the forecast earlier today, I thought, holy crap. Ok, actually I thought holy dragon fire, but that's just me.

The truth is - haven't written anything lately. Not a darn thing. Ideas percolating, but every time I sit down to write, it ends up being me jotting notes for an hour, ideas, snippets, tangents, wandering paths to nowhere. I am 'writing' more in terms of the non-fiction side of my work that requires me to write, but the stories waiting to be told - are there, being chatty but not enough for me to get off my arse and write. I have moments of being frustrated by it - because the stories aren't quiet. Even my dream life is wildly vivid, and am having multiple dreams per night. I just jot them down when I wake up and go on with my day.

I was sick for a good two weeks - still not 100%. Doing a cleanse to treat some of tie issues, and hoping everything will balance out soon. I know it's my body saying “hey I warned you to slow down, now I'm going to make you”…. anyway blahblahblah no writing. The mantra of my life at the moment. blahblahblah no writing. I was thinking that it would be yeah yeah yeah writing, but no.

maybe soon.

xo

Re: JULY

oo would love to see the dragon fire

I saw my youngest as a white lacey dragon in meditations when i was pregnant.
dragons have always been a huge symbol for my life.

nono, i always hear that kids are better behaved for others. its because they feel safe to be authentic with parents in their emotions. setting boundaries regarding behaviour helps them to feel safe as well. mostly they don't know why they do stuff they just want to be reminded that they are home and they are safe. parents are the testing grounds for trying out behaviours and seeing how close they can dance on the boundaries.

wishing your waters to find peace and calm with your daughter and with your self. I have noticed i hide behind my girls, like they are some kind of shield to face the world as a single mum. would i still go to watch animated movies for kids without them? I think animated kids movies are my faviourite movies. Slowly I am finding an identity that has nothing to do with motherhood and everything to do with me being me. I know writing is very much central to that identity.

being in touch with a creative self is very identifying.

We just finished watching Australia's first series of Master Chief. My favourite contestant won the series and has been an amazing inspiration. Especially regarding the importance of showing our children we have identities and dreams that do not revolve around them, but are uniquely our own identity.

It has me on many fronts feeling haunted by Jillee.

Bushwalking with my girls in the Blue Mountains today I took this photo that represents Jillee's Country. I have it on my computer background. posting it with the message (i hope it works - lord its fun learning how to make things work)

My workshop has felt like it has come to an ending with the foundation of what i learned from Jillee all wrapped up in 10 neat 1 1/2 hour workshops.

Feels like the foundation is solid and it's time to build.

Not sure about you guys, but I am feeling like I need to give my nanowrimo some closure before a new November rolls up. I am feeling a deadline looming…

It's kinda cool to know that I love challenging myself with deadlines.

I don't know where this will lead to or what it means for me or any of us… I just know it's time to write Jillee's story.

(LOL do I say that every month??)

Re: JULY

Well. I guess I'll start by saying that I did not do NaNoWriMo last year, but that I'm getting excited to do it come November. I went back earlier this morning and read just one thread from October of last year, and it was so overflowing with wisdom and silliness and discovery that I think I'm now a hundred times wiser than I was when I woke up. I'm curious and excited to know what an entire month of that would bring.

But yes, July. Pressurizing, destruction, explosion. My partner and I got so far behind in bills that our phones and electricity finally got shut off, and we have been living separately for a week or so now. My son and I are staying with my parents and he is staying with his while we get a new house ready to move into. But this upheaval has raised many questions for me and put me on a rollercoaster of conflicting thoughts and feelings. Things have been such a struggle between us for so long that it was mostly just a relief that we are 'forced' to be separate for a while. Right now I feel like I'm in the void, I feel nothing toward him. I want nothing and I resent nothing. I wonder if getting a house together is a good idea. Half of me wonders if I shouldn't just go out and meet someone new and start over to find that excitement of new love again. The other half of me realizes that there is still just as much potential in the future as there ever was, regardless of the negative things that have happened betwen us. The future is still as malleable as ever. The past is only limiting when I lose the understanding that it is just one potential reality that I am no longer a part of.

I have orientation for my massage therapy program tomorrow and I am just as excited as can be to finally begin training for my life's work!

My life's work also involves writing, I'm sure, but I haven't been writing much of anything poetic or masterful (if I ever do!) I have, however, been (mostly) keeping up with a daily writing routine in the form of Morning Pages, a la Julia Cameron. The idea is that you throw down anything useless or interesting or trivial or petty or exciting or deep every morning - anything that happens to be going through your mind. It gives you an outlet to release all the mental chatter and to clarify what's actually on your mind, in a way you might never know unless you actually write it down and read it. It's been very useful and revealing to me so far, and has really helped me take the first baby step in establishing a discipline of writing.

Speaking of revealing, I've realized over the course of the morning that my biggest challenge in writing is learning to expose myself and be comfortable with it. I don't like to reveal exactly what I'm thinking for fear that others will pass judgement or think it's silly, or even sinful. Come to think of it, it's my biggest challenge in general. I am afraid to be my real, genuine self for fear that it will be rejected. If I shroud myself in mystery or put on a show, it doesn't matter whether people reject it, because I know it isn't really me. But I am aware that I will not reach my full creative ability until I am able to truly own my path and my personality in all its shame and glory.

I'm not really sure where I was going with this. Or with anything else right now. I'm just along for the ride, I guess.

Re: JULY

Absolutely wellcome to take part of the mad ride Deleen. I bet we start to shapen our pens during October again ;)

Cameron is writing many good things about the creative process. About nuturing and protecting your inner artist. I think I have my nourishment and confirmation (that the wounerable artist needs) right here on DD. Last years NaNo was something extraordinary.

xo

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oh my gosh Deleen, you just jumped into my heart like you have always been there. Are you sure you weren't some kind of angel in the wings last November?

I love that you are writing the morning pages … I read the Artists Way and didn't really fly into it but parts of it sticks like the morning pages, artist date and repairing broken creations.

Julia Cameron was all about new perspectives (even the ones that seem hash and critical) the fun thing about new perspectives is how they open our vision to new horizons. The hash critical ones simply revealing our fears about where we want to go. That was a really cool to understand. Helped me to stop fighting and simply do.

Another cool thing I learned is that motivation needs to be creative. If guilt is the motivator then there isn't anything but suffering for everyone involved? When we motivate ourselves with creativity to create something together, that's when magic flows and life feels sweet and projects like nanowrimo become amazing.

welcome and enjoy wondrous you

Re: JULY

I'm very touched by what you wrote, Deleen. Wish I could have some great words of wisdom for you but I don't. Not in the face of your vulnerability and loveliness here which is such wisdom in itself.

Regarding fear of exposing yourself – I think this is why Freefall works so well for me – as the work is read and shared anonymously. It's more difficult to do here, online, but we try with the anonymous assignments. Any assignment can be done this way, actually. Something that Barbara Turner, who originally taught me Freefall, said has stayed with me - that if we don't have everything on the table – if we censor ourselves in some way, if there are things we will not write about – it colours the rest of our writing, limiting it in some way.

So even if we never ever write about certain things, so long as we are willing to, willing to 'go there' if they come up, all our writing will show this fearlessness, this willingness to dive deep. It's a big challenge, I think you've put your finger on something that is at the heart of Diving Deeper really, something for all of us to keep looking at, and to keep encouraging each other to go there.

I don't do morning pages - I think I'm too lazy – or something… but I know they are very good – bravo for doing this in the midst of all else you have on your plate. Amazing really. 

Much love, 
Sandra

Re: JULY

Ah, maybe I was floating in the wings somewhere, Azyh. In November I was in my eighth month of pregnancy, and had quite enough crazy on my plate without having to deal with anyone else's, fictional or not. I think I may have stepped in here at some point and saw that everyone was in the middle of this big intense project, so I turned and ran.

Sandra, I think I write morning pages because I'm lazy! It's writing without having to think. It's getting the rust out of the faucet so the clean sparkly stuff can come through. It's very freeing, really. Sometimes the page is filled with nothing but swear words and exclamation points and (#$&%#* 's, and that's my writing for the day. And then I realize just how angry I am, when otherwise I might never have paid close enough attention to myself to know. And since I am putting words on paper, I can call it writing and feel that I've served the gift in some way. Wry arrogance, but still satisfying. 

Re: JULY

Deleen, the really cool thing is that you came back… even when you knew how crazy we where :)

and there is no such thing as lazy, just a feeling of not knowing how to begin or where to begin.

The really cool thing about beginnings is that they go hand in hand with endings. So maybe… something needs to end so there's room to begin?

and we are here for each other to help find the hows and wheres for beginnings.
That's what communities are for.

xx azyh