“Shut up!” he says and smashes his fist into the side of my face.  The calmness of his words belie his actions…

“Shut up!” he says and smashes his fist into the side of my face.  The calmness of his words belie his actions.

I make a sour face at him.  It really didn't hurt as much as he intended it to.  i had been talking about politics.  I don't like the republican party and I don't like the way the country seems to be taking a turn for teh worse.  Censorship of children's books has become quite the hobby of the people in Washington DC.  I had said something insulting about one of his favorite political figures.

I've never been the type who crumples and bursts into tears when he decides to use his fists on me.  Somehow, I think it would only encourage him.

Besides, he is preferrable to the cops.  At least he doesn't stick me in handcuffs and lock me away…..

I used to go to peace rallies and protests.  It seems like women's rights are being abolished in this country.  The country keeps going into wars.  I've been at a few peace rallies where they've thrown tear gas into the crowd and arrested the speaker.  I've seen them (the cops) beat older men and women senseless.  Several of my pals from the rallies and peace movement have had their children taken away.

My friends are tired of hearing me talk about his controlling behavior and violence.  They want me to leave him and stop talking about it.  I've reported him to the cops, but the cops always ask for a report in front of him, and he glares daggers at me.

People have asked me, “Why don't you leave him?!” and some have even gone so far as to say, “If you're not going to do anything about the problem, I don't want to hear about it!”

My reasons for staying are rather complex – but at the same time they're not.  He'll kill me if I leave him.  He is very book smart and knows how to track people down.  He's very computer literate.  And then there's the fact that my family disowned me for trying to turn in an uncle for sexual abuse.

But, I don't talk about THAT much anymore, either!   People keep telling me to shut up.  Either that or they walk away.  They yell at me.  Some of them even blameme for the abuse.  Most people don't even want to speak to me again.

They never did anything about the uncle, the cops and social workers that is.  That uncle has two young children now.  I wonder about his children and even his wife.  I wonder if she has to put up with the same kind of crap I do?  But, I don't talk to him.

My husband does drugs too.  He deals cocaine and marijuana and who knows what else.  I think he probably has killed narcs before.  He has made it clear the I should not even THINK about betraying him.  So I let him cheat on me.  I let him do what he wants.  I am not a happy person, really, but I am surviving.  I think it will be okay as long as I don't have to do the drugs too.  He has a lot of lackeys and I'm not sure I'd get far if I tried to escape, especially since it seems I have no friends.

I do keep a diary.  I tell everything to my diary.  It's my best friend.  I don't think he knows about it.  In the beginning I talked about how kind and generous he seemed.  I was impressed with the fact he liked to go to peace rallyies and stuff, too.  (Although we have not been to one in quite some time now.)  Now it is just a log of my wounds…..

Someday, it will be published or used to find justice – I just know it!  But, even if it isn't, it is still there for me.