Help! Scholarship Essay!

I am in need of some critiquing for a scholarship essay I wrote. It's super cheesy I will warn you, and I find it really hard to talk about myself, but here it is:



“Remember, if you ever
need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm, as you get older, remember
you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help
others.” (Audrey Hepburn). I have always idolized Audrey Hepburn, especially for
her humanitarian efforts, and it is her philosophies that I hope to incorporate
into my nursing career. I always knew I wanted to be a nurse, there was never
any question in my mind. I believe I have the intelligence to be a doctor or
surgeon, but the relationship a nurse has with the patient is what drew my
attention.
 
I have always prided
myself on my relationships with other people. I treat them as humans first and
foremost, and it is this attitude that will make me a good nurse. I give one
hundred and ten percent to anything I set my mind to, and nursing is no
different.
 
As I
age, I have become more interested in teaching others. I find that education,
being the foundation, would give me great satisfaction. After years of
practice, I would seriously consider teaching other nursing students what I
have learned, in hopes of imparting a little of my knowledge. Though I probably
won’t be the most famous, skilled, or revered in my line of work, I will
certainly try, and if I can make the smallest impact on just one person, my
effort will not be in vain.

Re: Help! Scholarship Essay!

Maria,
I fee; the need to comment as much on the direction as the writing even though that is nto what we typically do here. But you are asking for something different than usual i think.
Maria, this is a nice essay- clean and clear. But what i feel it lacks is the connectnednes you are especially good at. Wheer is maria in this? I do not mean to talk more abot yourself, i mean more of who you are in your wroting,t he way you do with everything i have read of yours. I realize this is in a different context but i have written maybe two hundred reference letters in my life and have helped write maybe fifty college entrance essays ( ihave had severla jobs with hundreds of college students that i supervised thrying ti get in to better schools or grad school). The ones that include  ataste of who they are held the most energy and feel the strongest. I like what you have written but i do not feel what i susualy feel with your writing. teh AH quote is good but i think you can go deeper with something form inside you, just my eleven cents.  the only technical thing that stood out to me was the first tow sentences of the last paragraph, something in the them doesn't feel smooth or flowing.

I find that education,being the foundation, would give me great satisfaction.

Maybe there is a more personal way to communicate this?

And not to cheesy, this is what these things are. No reason to not let others see how amazing you are! Again, well written and gives a taste of you and what you think, but i sense you can go deeper and more personal while still presenting a professional, maybe i am wrong. Other may have another perspective. I hope this helps:)

Peace,
michael

Re: Help! Scholarship Essay!

Hi Maria;
When I went to school essays were a long and tedious process, 500 words chipped in a stone tablet were quite a chore.  
A couple of questions popped to mind after reading this.  What is the purpose of this essay?  Is it to say why you wish to be a nurse?  Each paragraph should contain a key sentence that sums up the essence of what you wish to say in the paragraph. 
A rough outline of your essay would look something like this:
Introduction:  (a little bit  about myself)
Main body:
Para 1:  containing key thought:  ( ….I always wanted to be a nurse..because of the relationship a nurse has with the patient…)
Para 2:  containing key thought  ( …I give 110%…..)
Para 3:  containing key thought  (…my eventual goal is to teach others…)
Summary:  (Razzle-dazzle and tah dah!  (…if  I can…impact..one person..)

There you have it.  Notes from the stone age…..
hope you found it helpful,
blessings-

Re: Help! Scholarship Essay!

P.S.  I never could use the excuse  “the dog ate my homework..”