slowly slowly

another piece I've dug up from the boxes, found a nice 'rejection' note from 2001; thought I'd like to tweak a bit:

Slowly Slowly

Whirling crazy Bazouki music in my ears. I'm a dancing princess streaming round and round and round. Manolis is pulling me to him and then away from him and then close again and we dance like grownups. I don't like him very much but I don't care I'm dancing and everyone is laughing and clapping. Mummy is dancing with the nice American man but he turns to me takes my hand and then the other and swings me onto his shoulders. I feel sick I'm going to throw up but he puts me down and I feel better, lying here on the floor with all the feet and legs moving. I bump like a jumping jack even though I'm lying still as I can my heart beating. I'm so tired I want to put toothpicks in my eyes to keep them open.

“Come darling, lets put you in the car” Mummy says. I don't want go to the car but she takes me there and shuts the door. It's dark and I'm alone. I want to be with the others. Where's Michael? How come he's allowed to stay? I'm so tired but I won't go to sleep I won't. I sit there with my back as straight as possible like Tony said. I feel bad that he told Michael off for slouching. He said I sat up straight but I wasn't it only looked that way. Now I make sure I always sit up flat as a plank when Tony's around. Tif. Tif. Why does he do that? Why does Michael call him Tif? He knows it makes him mad. Tif means spit he should know that. We're not allowed to call him daddy. He says it's childish. Mummy doesn't mind being called Mummy so I don't understand.

I'm going to fall over but I won't. It must be long enough now. I'll pretend I had a nap. I climb out of the car and go back into the restaurant. I'm okay now Mummy, I'm not tired at all please let me stay.

Everyone is dancing now. They are all red in the face and singing along to the music but it doesn't sound much like what the singers are singing. It's very loud and then the men come. They are dressed like princes.  I've never ever seen a real prince.  They can't be real because I know one of them is the cook who made my stuffed tomato.  They stomp together all in a line while we watch. I want to join in but Tony holds my head.  One of the men says Ne ! Ne!  and pulls my hand and I'm dancing just like them, side to side back and forward. I'm pulled up suddenly and there are plates crashing I want to see but I can't my face is in his chest which smells I don't like it. I don't like being touched by them. They pinch my cheeks so hard they hurt, go away.  I'm back down on the floor again but I can't go anywhere because of the broken plates so I stand with the man playing a violin only it doesn't sound like a violin not like Mummy's favorite record the one I get her to play when it's my bedtime so I know she's not far away. It's very loud here but I like watching all the people. I'm so tired I'm going to sit down and then I'm in Mummy's lap, I'm not sure how.

Mummy's lap is warm. I like when she holds me like this. I want her to talk to me but she's not listening. I don't want to say anything out loud because they'll squeeze my cheek again. I hear the words in her head why can't she hear mine? She's acting funny. I don't like that man. She's pushing me into the table leaning so close like that. Why are they holding hands? I'll hold her hand instead. There that's better. I'm hot. I want to wee. I climb off Mummy's lap to find Michael. He'll come with me. He's with Tony. Tony never talks to me, not like that. I don't care, I'm not interested. I want to get out there are too many people and the floor is wet. I want to take my shoes off but I better not or Tony will get mad.

I can't find Michael, where is he? Where's Mummy? Stop touching me! Stop laughing!  Someone takes my arm and I pull away but it's the nice American man so I let him. “I want to wee.” I say and he points to the doors by the kitchen. I'd better hurry I have to wee so bad but I can't walk with my legs crossed. Oh there it is. I'm okay now. Mummy says I can find the toilet anywhere. This has one especially for me, just my size. I've never seen one like it before, it's against the wall. It's a bit high but I can climb up and sit there and swing my legs. I can't wait to tell Mummy! There isn't any toilet paper so I'll just use my dress. It's the blue velvet one with lace around the collar. It's my favorite. Mummy said it was too hot but she let me anyway because it's Michael's birthday.  He's going to be nine.

The nice American man comes in, he isn't supposed to I don't think but I don't mind. “Come sweetie, you shouldn't be in here” he tells me.  I want to wash my hands but he's pulling at me. Maybe it's time for the cake he doesn't want me to miss it.  He picks me up.  His shirt is soft like a pillow. I'll just close my eyes for a bit. I want to go home. I want my dog Jackie. Why did we have to leave him? They don't take care of dogs here. I've seen them throw rocks and they don't feed them ever.  Maybe it's better for Jackie to stay home. I just want to talk to him. Maybe Mummy will let me on the 'phone like before. He's with that fat woman. I don't like her.

I'll close my eyes just for a bit.

I'm rumbling like the car, whirling loud in my ears, my head is so noisy it feels as if there are little people in there stomping back and forward and side to side, over and over. I can hear Mummy and Tony and the American man and the man I don't like and that woman I think is the American man's girlfriend. I like the sound of the voices. Michael must be asleep already his eyes are closed. How did I get here?  I like the sound of the car. I could be like this forever all of us and me.  I'm dancing with Manolis, no not Manolis, just me, I'm in the middle, everyone is smiling and laughing I'm a princess so beautiful with long golden hair and a white dress like in a wedding swirling around in a big circle as I turn round and round and round. I'm so beautiful everyone loves me and I have a wand that can make anything happen. I'll bring Jackie here.  I'll save Michael from the lions and he will tell me I'm braver than a boy like he did before. I roll closer to him and then we go over a bump and everyone laughs everyone is happy.  I squeeze Michael's hand and he squeezes back so he's only pretending to be asleep. Tony is singing with Mummy, “Sigha Sigha…” 

I know what that means.

Slowly, Slowly

Round and round I'm a dancing princess, I'm alight like a star. I'm shining so bright I fill the sky and all the dark is filled with ribbons, streaming from my hair from my fingers which are so long they touch everyone all the animals too, and out of the sky dances a white horse with a mane so long it falls to the earth, my horse my very own I'm galloping rainbows and the moon smiles a silver smile that grows flowers in my eyes and I

and I.

I can't open my eyes.
It's too dark where are we have we arrived they are not singing Sigha Sigha! any more, I'm whirling in my head I can't stop I can't get up it's too dizzy and Michael is on my leg and it hurts really bad

I can't get up.

Mummy! No sound. Nothing out of my mouth.

I'm out of the car now how did that happen? Michael is holding my hand so hard it's going to break he gets afraid in the dark. Why is my dress all wet? It's torn it's my favorite. I start to cry I don't feel good, Mummy! No sound, nothing out of my mouth.

It's so dark. I'm going to get Mummy she'll help us but the nice American man stops me how did he get here?  He pushes both of us away from the car his arm is bleeding he sees me see it and puts it behind his back. He takes my hand and Michael in the other one the one with the bleeding arm and we are

and we are.

Standing in a corridor it's cold I don't like the lights it's too bright what happened to the dark.
Manolis is here why is he here? Where's Mummy? Michael is still squeezing my hand it's going to get pins and needles if he doesn't stop. Manolis kneels down and is feeling my legs, Go away! He asks if I hurt. I don't hurt except for my hand I don't, no.

No.

No one's there it's dark except for Michael. There is no one at all for a long time not even me.

Mummy's crying, why are you crying Mummy?

“Tony's very sick sweetie”

Oh.

It's a big white bed and it's very white everywhere Mummy's in a funny hard thing it looks like a jersey only it isn't its made of Plaster of Paris she says. I wonder why it's come such a long way. She can't turn so I climb up on the bed but I can't it's too high.  I don't like it when Mummy cries. Where's Michael? I don't know. Who are all these people and then I go to sleep and it's dark again and everyone goes away and I must be invisible because I can't see me I can't see anything at all I can't see

I'm in my nighty it's not mine really it smells of mothballs but I don't say anything, I'm shut tight I'm quiet as a mouse only quieter because mice squeak. 

Everything smells of mothballs I'll shut it out I'll close my nose I'll hide and no one will find me ever. I don't want to see I don't want to hear I won't. They can't make me. I curl up so small I'm a Smartie, where's Mummy?

Nothing but black. I don't have to breathe I don't have to eat I don't have to wee. I'll stay here forever it is forever I'll never get out, never ever.


“Tony's dead”

Oh.

“He's gone away and won't come back”

Oh.

Mummy's still in the funny white jersey thing she can't hug so I hold her foot.  I'm sitting on the bed. Why are they crying? They are rubbing their eyes, they must be crying. Manolis is here, and his Mummy too but she's so old and I can't stop looking at the scars across her cheek and she's all dressed in black like a witch. Who is everyone why are they here it's Mummy's bedroom why is she crying? Michael's crying too so I'd better. I push my fists into my eyes and make a noise I hope sounds right. I take them away but everyone is still crying and then they all look at me funny. I don't like it they are talking about me. I'm too young says Mummy. It's a good thing says Manolis. I push my hands harder into my eyes which I squeeze really tight to help the tears come out.

I must have gone to sleep because the next thing is it's all white outside.  I want to run and play in it, it looks so pretty. I've only ever seen snow once when I was four and hurt my eye.  I'm in a fairy tale cottage in a fairy tale land made all for me. The Christmas tree is still up it's so beautiful and there is a log fire and a bedroom for each of us and three left over. In the cupboard there are labels on the shelves for all the children. Hans, Johann, Marta, Helmut. Where are they? I don't know, there is no one here but the three of us, me Mummy and Michael. I wonder if Marta's towels are on the bottom shelf because she's my age.
 
Mummy's sitting in the sun she's turning yellow but an important doctor's going to come and fix it. I want to climb on her lap and curl up but she pushes me away and tells me to go outside with Michael but Michael doesn't want to play so I climb into Mummy's bed and shut my eyes until I can see the white horse he's galloping over snow so all you can see are his black shining eyes and his pink nose which is so soft he presses it against my cheek and breathes into me until I'm warm and then I curl underneath his eyelashes and go to sleep.

Re: slowly slowly

I started reading this story and couldn't stop. It's all pictures, one picture after another. Makes me want to write like that.

You did say you want to tweak it, and I'd be very interested in seeing what comes of that, how it changes. As it stands, it feels to me like two stories that perhaps could be more closely knit together. I know that it's really all one story, that the events belong to the same evening (ok, so I only think I know that, but because of having read another story of yours whose name I don't remember).

I like

No one's there it's dark except for Michael. There is no one at all for a long time not even me.

Mummy's in a funny hard thing it looks like a jersey only it isn't its made of Plaster of Paris she says. I wonder why it's come such a long way.

and the repetition of Mummy! No sound. Nothing out of my mouth.

and so much more.

I did wonder about the rejection, but of course, what one publisher rejects another might quite easily accept. I wondered if it might be useful to connect scenes a bit more (word-wise)? Although the disjointedness (for me) really does indicate how a child might see the events in the story.

I'm definitely looking forward to seeing what you do with this.

Ruth

Re: slowly slowly

Thanks so much for commenting, Ruth. So helpful, as always.

You are right, actually - re the two story thing - it's not actually all one evening,- and perhaps it should be, or at least tighter. There's the evening of the accident, the hospital later - (days later probably) and then some time later in another place altogether. I'll take a look at this when I come to it, I think it's probably too confusing as is.

the rejection was from River Oak Review 2001 short story contest and the editor (then editor, Marylee MacDonald) said: “I liked this very much and found it very weird and kind of magical. Usually child narrator stories don't appeal to me, but this one did. At the end, though the story fell apart because I couldn't tell what happened exactly (in the accident). That's kind of basic.”

Re: slowly slowly

it's not actually all one evening,-

Oh sorry, I meant the restaurant scene and the accident being on the same evening; I wasn't thinking of the hospital stuff when I wrote that. (And anyway, I shouldn't have made allusions to or assumptions based on anything—a different story!—I'd read before. Eek! Did I really do that?!)

As I see it, there are three main scenes: the restaurant scene (before), the car scene, the hospital scenes (after). The accident is central to the story and yet it isn't really mentioned at all. The reader can infer (from the child's memory of being in a car, and of the hospital scenes) that there was one, and a bad one, but isn't given any details about how it came about or (as MacDonald said) “what happened exactly.”

For me, I didn't have to know the details. It made sense to me to not include details because the child (and it is her story after all) didn't know what they were—she was unconscious (?) for part of the time (I'm thinking of this: There is no one at all for a long time not even me.) Also, it was nighttime and she was tired, having tried to stay awake earlier. How did I get here? she wonders, noticing she's in the moving car, and later: I'm out of the car now how did that happen?

Hmm, just some thoughts I had about the story as it stands right now. I may have more to say later, but then again, it might be best to wait till I see what changes you have in mind. I do wonder if another editor might have been okay with not knowing exactly what happened? I personally prefer writing that doesn't spell everything out for me.

Re: slowly slowly

Thanks Ruth, this is helpful. I think I'll probably make minor tweaks and possibly merge the final 'scene' (which happens in Switzerland) with the hospital scene, and open out the accident section just a bit. On the cards for my September….

Re: slowly slowly

just reposted this -

some edits. Tried to make it clearer what was happening and where we were… merged the last scene.. not sure if I made much difference.

————-

Whirling crazy Bazouki music in my ears. I'm a dancing princess streaming round and round and round. Kostas is pulling me to him and then away from him and then close again and we dance like grownups. I don't like him very much but I don't care I'm dancing and everyone is laughing and clapping. Mummy is dancing with the nice American man but he takes my hand and then the other and swings me onto his shoulders. I feel sick I'm going to throw up but he puts me down and I feel better lying here on the floor with all the feet and legs moving. I bump like a jumping jack even though I'm lying still as I can my heart beating. I'm so tired I'll just go to sleep here.

Come darling, let's put you in the car, Mummy says. I don't want go to the car but she takes me there and shuts the door. It's dark and I'm alone. I want to be with the others. Where's Luke? How come he's allowed to stay? I won't go to sleep I won't. I sit there with my back as straight as possible like Daddy said. Now I make sure I always sit up flat as a plank when Daddy's around.

I'm going to fall over but I won't. It must be long enough now. I'll pretend I had a nap. I climb out of the car and go back into the restaurant. I'm okay, Mummy, I'm not tired any more.

Everyone is dancing now. They are all red in the face and singing along to the music but it doesn't sound much like what the singers are singing. It's very loud and then the men come in dressed like princes. I've never ever seen a real prince. They can't be real because I know one of them is the cook who made my stuffed tomato. They stomp together all in a line. I want to join in but Daddy holds my head.  The cook who made my stuffed tomato says Neh ! Neh!  and pulls my hand and I'm dancing just like them, side to side back and forward. I'm pulled up suddenly and there are plates crashing I want to see but I can't my face is in his chest which smells I don't like it. I don't like being touched by them. They pinch my cheeks so hard they hurt, go away.  I'm back down on the floor again but I can't go anywhere because of the broken plates so I stand with the man playing a violin only it doesn't sound like a violin not like Mummy's favorite record the one I make her play when it's my bedtime so I know she's not far away. It's very loud here but I like watching all the people. I'm so tired I'm going to sit down and then I'm in Mummy's lap, I'm not sure how.

Mummy's lap is warm. I like when she holds me like this. I want her to talk to me but she's not listening to me she's listening to a man with a big nose. I don't want to say anything out loud because he'll squeeze my cheek again. I hear the words in her head why can't she hear mine? She's acting funny. I don't like that man. Why are they holding hands? I'll hold her hand instead. There that's better. I want to wee. I climb off Mummy's lap to find Luke. I want to get out there are too many people and the floor is wet. I want to take my shoes off but I better not or Daddy will get mad.

I can't find Luke, where is he? Where's Mummy? Stop touching me! Stop laughing!  Someone takes my arm and I pull away but it's the nice American man so I let him. I want to wee, I say and he points to the doors by the kitchen. I'd better hurry I have to wee so bad but I can't walk with my legs crossed. Oh there it is. I'm okay now. Mummy says I can find the toilet anywhere. This has one just my size. It's a bit high stuck up there against the wall but I can climb up and swing my legs. I can't wait to tell Mummy! There isn't any toilet paper so I'll just use my dress. It's the red velvet one with lace around the collar. It's my favorite. Mummy said it was too hot but she let wear it me anyway because it's Luke's birthday.  He's turning nine.

The nice American man comes in, Come sweetie, you shouldn't be in here, he tells me.  I want to wash my hands but he's pulling at me. Maybe it's time for the cake he doesn't want me to miss it.  He picks me up.  His shirt is soft like a pillow.

I'll just close my eyes for a bit.

I'm not here I'm somewhere else I'm in the back of the car I must have fallen asleep. I'm rumbling, whirling loud in my ears, my head is so noisy it feels as if there are little people in there stomping back and forward and side to side, over and over. I can hear Mummy and Daddy and the American man and the big-nose man I don't like and that woman I think is the American man's girlfriend. I like the sound of the voices. Luke must be asleep already his eyes are closed. How did I get here?  I like the car sound, rumble rumble. I could be like this forever all of us and me.  I'm dancing with Kostas, no not Kostas, just me, I'm in the middle, everyone is smiling and laughing I'm a princess so beautiful with long yellow hair and a white dress like in a wedding swirling around in a big circle as I turn round and round and round. I'm so beautiful everyone loves me and I have a wand that can make anything happen. Daddy will love me and Mummy will always hold me and no one will pinch my cheek and I'll save Luke from the lions and he will tell me I'm braver than a boy like he did before. I roll closer to him and then we go over a bump and everyone laughs everyone is happy.  I squeeze Luke's hand and he squeezes back so he's only pretending to be asleep. Daddy is singing with Mummy, Sigha Sigha, and everyone joins in, Sigha, Sigha!

I know what that means.

Slowly, Slowly.

Round and round I'm a dancing princess, I'm alight like a star. I'm shining so bright I fill the sky and all the dark is filled with ribbons, streaming from my hair from my fingers which are so long they touch everyone all the animals too, and out of the sky dances a white horse with a mane so long it falls to the earth, my horse my very own I'm galloping rainbows and the moon smiles a silver smile that grows flowers in my eyes and I

and I.

I can't open my eyes.

They are not singing slowly slowly any more, I'm whirling in my head I can't stop I can't get up it's too dizzy and Luke is on my leg and it hurts really bad

I can't get up.

Mummy! No sound. Nothing out of my mouth.

I'm out of the car now how did that happen? Luke is holding my hand so hard it's going to break he gets afraid in the dark. Why is my dress all wet? It's torn it's my favorite. The car doesn't look okay not okay at all. I start to cry I don't feel good, Mummy! No sound, nothing out of my mouth.

It's so dark. I'm going to get Mummy from the car she'll help us but the nice American man stops me. He pushes both of us away, Come sweeties he says, come, his arm is bleeding all the way down. He sees me see it and puts it behind his back. He takes my hand and Luke in the other one the one with the bleeding arm and there is a little house just there and a woman comes out and puts her hand over her mouth and we are

and we are

standing in a corridor it's cold I don't like the lights it's too bright what happened to the dark.

Where's Mummy? Luke is still squeezing my hand it's going to get pins and needles if he doesn't stop. A man in white like the lights kneels down and is feeling my legs, Go away! He asks if I hurt. I don't hurt except for my hand I don't, no

no

no one's there it's dark except for Luke. There is no one at all for a long time not even me.

Mummy's crying, why are you crying Mummy?

Daddy's very sick sweetie.

Oh.

It's a big white bed and it's very white everywhere Mummy's in a funny hard thing it looks like a jersey only it isn't its made of Plaster of Paris she says. I wonder why it's come such a long way. She can't turn so I climb up on the bed but I can't it's too high.  I don't like it when Mummy cries. Where's Luke? I don't know. Who are all these people and then I go to sleep and it's dark again and everyone goes away and I must be invisible because I can't see me I can't see anything at all I can't see

We are in Kostas's house I'm in my nighty it's not mine really it smells of mothballs but I don't say anything, I'm shut tight I'm quiet as a mouse only quieter because mice squeak. 

Everything smells of mothballs I'll shut it out I'll close my nose I'll hide and no one will find me ever. I don't want to see I don't want to hear I won't. They can't make me. I curl up so small I'm a Smartie, where's Mummy?

Nothing but black. I don't have to breathe I don't have to eat I don't have to wee. I'll stay here forever it is forever I'll never get out, never ever and then it's all white again down the corridor to Mummy and I'm running running to see her

Daddy's dead.

Oh.

He's gone away and won't come back.

Oh.

Mummy's still in the funny white jersey thing she can't hug so I hold her foot.  I'm sitting on her white bed. Why are they crying? They are rubbing their eyes, they must be crying. Kostas is here, and his Mummy too but she's so old and she's all dressed in black like a witch. Who is everyone why are they here it's Mummy's room why is she crying? Luke is crying too so I'd better. I push my fists into my eyes and make a noise I hope sounds right. I take them away but everyone is still crying and then they all look at me funny. I don't like it they are talking about me. I'm too young says Mummy. It's a good thing says Kostas. I push my hands harder into my eyes and I squeeze really tight to help the tears come out.

I want to climb on Mummy's lap but she pushes me away and tells me to go outside with Luke but Luke doesn't want to play so I climb into Mummy's bed and shut my eyes until I can see the white horse he's galloping over snow so all you can see are his black shining eyes and his pink nose which is so soft he presses it against my cheek and breathes into me until I'm warm and then I curl underneath his eyelashes and go to sleep.

END

Re: slowly slowly

felt like a detective working out details between lines of the  -i- characters perspective it made this an interesting read and i found myself reading it slowly slowly…

it was almost as if the world was unfurling part by part from the -i- character. like after every sentence i zoomed out mentally and 'saw' more then the -i- character.

it was interesting the crash of plates during the dancing like a signal of what was coming.

there was a part when i thought that she may have been a ghost herself

They are rubbing their eyes, they must be crying. Kostas is here, and his Mummy too but she's so old and she's all dressed in black like a witch. Who is everyone why are they here it's Mummy's room why is she crying? Luke is crying too so I'd better. I push my fists into my eyes and make a noise I hope sounds right. I take them away but everyone is still crying and then they all look at me funny. I don't like it they are talking about me. I'm too young says Mummy. It's a good thing says Kostas. I push my hands harder into my eyes and I squeeze really tight to help the tears come out.

but she is told to go play and i realise she is still alive.

i am grateful to have read this perspective, it is very different to anything i've read before and it really sparks my thinking process.

thank you