writing mala

today october the third. the year is two thousand and nine. take a deep breath. I don't have exactly twenty minutes because I have to put on my exercise clothes and go to the Y. It is saturday and since tennis is cancelled, the courts being wet, I have to decide whether go to carly's crazy I want to die I can't stand it class or go to the yoga class in the mind body room. I have never been to that room, although I have taken yoga in the regular exercise room. I have never taken the saturday yoga class and I am not even sure it is still there. I always take carly's too much over the top I want to stop class. So what should I wear. I have to choose something that would work for both classes so maybe my shorter stretchy yoga pants and a tank top and shoes that I could take off. would I rather kill myself or enter a meditative state, stretch and feel my body, breath and become one with myself and what is around me. work out on the mat as they say. experience something. something I could take with me. add to myself or find myself maybe for a moment and make my day worthwhile and make the rest of my day special so that I will note everything and be the observer not the observed. Or go to the other class and work really hard jumping up and down till I want to be sick.
I have to get up and go at least before I miss both.
i go to yoga on sunday's with joanne, this will be a different teacher.
It might change my world. This might be the answer I have been looking for. you never know. stretch and engage. twist eyes focused. and breathe that uagi or whatever breath in your throat. It hurts standing like this and I really need to bend deeper and don't forget the outer part of my left foot. keep that grounded and don't sink. keep lifted. this will be over soon and then I can be in childs pose. but this is not a resting post. still have to reach those arms forward. fingers in the mat stretching and tailbone falling into the place between my thighs. can't relax yet. It is all an effort but I will feel good soon and it will be over and the lights will come on after I wiggle my toes and fingers and come back to where we are at the Y and say OM and honor the divine in all of us even though some people there don't know what that is all about and feel a little silly bowing and nodding to people they don't know. seems a little familiar sometimes. well. I will get up and go out in the rain now.

Re: writing mala

Jenni, this is hilarious! I mean this in the best possible way. Such a wonderful piece of writing. I absolutely love it. Very, very funny and so true. A great voice.

I love the part about what to wear and which class to pick, well actually I love all of it but there were parts I laughed out loud. And touching parts as well. It's a bit of a roller coaster, this inner dialog, moving from touching to funny and back all the time. Like here:

would I rather kill myself or enter a meditative state, stretch and feel my body, breath and become one with myself and what is around me. work out on the mat as they say. experience something. something I could take with me. add to myself or find myself maybe for a moment and make my day worthwhile and make the rest of my day special so that I will note everything and be the observer not the observed. Or go to the other class and work really hard jumping up and down till I want to be sick.

HIlarious. Would I rather kill myself or enter a meditative state? Tough choice! ;)  But then, the part where it's about experiencing something special, adding of finding something, making the rest of the day special, is unexpectedly touching. An innocent honesty I can relate to. Oh, yes, I have felt that way… kind of thing.

Also great the part about enduring yoga positions. Just wonderful. You are so funny! Do you know that? Funny with depth and modesty. A rare animal.

:)

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Oh Jenni, this is such a precious piece of writing, about choices, about this or that, about the tried and true (even if painful) vs. the new. An everyday sort of choice, to look at the actual alternatives, but one that could potentially be life-altering (as any change can be). And there's a hint too of what can happen when we are for some reason unable to make the choice—a standstill, a stuckness: I have to get up and go at least before I miss both.

I love the part Gabriele quoted and also: I have to decide whether go to carly's crazy I want to die I can't stand it class or go to the yoga class in the mind body room. That one sentence states the choice so well. (I know what I'd choose :)

And the whole last paragraph that begins: It might change my world. This might be the answer I have been looking for. you never know. stretch and engage…

I like how the piece begins as well: today october the third. the year is two thousand and nine. take a deep breath. The spelling out of all the numbers in the date feels like part of the inhale in take a deep breath. In fact, much of the piece feels like a long inhale to me, and perhaps a holding of the breath in this part:

It is all an effort but I will feel good soon and it will be over and the lights will come on after I wiggle my toes and fingers and come back to where we are at the Y and say OM and honor the divine in all of us even though some people there don't know what that is all about and feel a little silly bowing and nodding to people they don't know. Because we're coming down to the wire there, the anticipated end, but aren't quite there yet.

Finally, I will get up and go out in the rain now. Just a perfect ending.

Re: writing mala

Gabriele and Rudyan, 
my sweet friends.
thank you so much for your wonderful comments.
I love you both.
jenni

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day number two. having trouble with this day. this is my third attempt to write this. not quite on it and not liking what is coming out. I had to go back and read the exercise to figure out what it is ,that I am trying to accomplish here. it is supposed to be a kind of mediation not a just synopsis on my day. a specific image or situation to feel and write about. I had too much busy stuff to say today and it was really irritating me. I also realized that I need to write as if this is only for me and not anyone else. I use I too much it seems but it does not matter here because this is a spiritual exercise. It very difficult to write exactly how you feel. I am not even sure what I feel. I certainly was feeling a lot as I walking down by the river this afternoon. I was wondering what should I feel. Who am I am what is going on here. Am I God or is God feeling through me or is he out there somewhere. Does he see what I see. Maybe I am thinking too much and should stop that and get into the Gap as Dr. Dwyer likes to say. The pause between the words. Too many words in my head and the message changes all of the time. It is exhausting. My jaw hurts. Does it hurt because I hold to much tension in it or does it hurt because I smile too much. I have to stretch it and massage it. It is telling me something.
I am worried. Yes worried. That nagging unease that follows me everywhere. My son and what will happen to him. Will he pass. who is he with what is he doing. he never tells me anything. I just get the top of the muffin if that. he forgot to go, he told me after begging me to make the appointment. That is okay I tell him, expecting this. but I am not going to make it next time. You have to. Will he pass his tests. Did he even study. Does he know what he is doing? I am going down friday to the big hospital with him. Will he show up. I will be anxioius, waiting, pacing. Will it turn out okay. Why do I worry about his school work when his life at stake. I can't rest.
I am always wondering about him.
It is really hard to find myself in all of is and do I have to find myself. What will that accomplish. It is hard to know yourself. I get too caught up on the outside. I can't get past my face and my hair. I can't see the inside. Sometimes I feel okay and it is a relief. I get so mad at myself for wasting time. It just seems like enough already. I have to figure this out before it is too late. It doesn't matter if he fails. I want him to be okay. I want him to laugh light heartedly. Have a easy life. Who has an easy life?

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Jenni, I applaude you for writing this in spite of not liking what is coming out. I felt pretty much the same about my Mala bead today. But I'm deeply convinced that by going to the dark places there will be more light and healing in the end.

I found reading this bit touching in a way that opened up something in me. Easy to feel with what is said. So much to relate to. Universally, I would think.

I had too much busy stuff to say today and it was really irritating me.

It very difficult to write exactly how you feel. I am not even sure what I feel. I certainly was feeling a lot as I walking down by the river this afternoon. I was wondering what should I feel.

Loved this. An honesty that feels pure. It's actually kind of healing to read these lines. The energy in them.

Too many words in my head and the message changes all of the time. It is exhausting. My jaw hurts. Does it hurt because I hold to much tension in it or does it hurt because I smile too much. I have to stretch it and massage it. It is telling me something.

Really lovely, almost funny again, in that unique Jenni kind of way. Showing very nicely how the message keeps changing… sweet.

he never tells me anything.

The mother mantra. All over the world I see heads nodding in agreement. Oh, these children, they never tell us anything!

Why do I worry about his school work when his life at stake. I can't rest.

The easier worry, I suppose, being a great worrier myself… It's so good to read this. It might feel totally knotted and unclear, but it comes across refreshingly clear and insightful.

It is really hard to find myself in all of is and do I have to find myself. What will that accomplish. It is hard to know yourself.

I can't get past my face and my hair. I can't see the inside.

I get a sense here that feeling inside is working wonderfully. ;)

Who has an easy life?

Indeed. The things we wish for the ones we love.

Lovely writing, Jen. Very direct and in tune it feels to me. In tune with the confusion and too many things going on and worry and feeling a lot… doesn't get any better then that, I'd say. Writing wise.

Lovely to visit you here, Jen. It's always a pleasure. You inspired me to put out my dark stuff as well today. It's not as much fun as yours, so don't go reading if you don't feel like it, it might be depressing.

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dearest gabriele,
thank you again for taking the time to read this and your comments are so thoughtful and encouraging and mean so much to me.
yesterday was a tough day for me to write. I felt so superficial. I am here again so I am gong to try and puts some words down. I see that you don't post every bead day. I might have to go that route sometimes, although I am not so good with pen and paper. My writing is so darn messy.
you are an inspiration to me as always.
love, jen

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day three. october fifth two thousand and nine. six forty nine in the evening. after dinner. dishes washed and put away and the dishwasher is humming. dark living room with a a few lights. my couch with too many pillows that I don't even like and my dog. oh never mind he left. He was here for awhile. now he is over there on his chair. the small blue one with the stuffing coming out of it. The light bulb in the lamp next to me. one of those natural light kind that does not give out enough light and I can never quite see. sitting cross legged when I would rather be lying down and the right side of my back hurts as usual.
A looking older haggard tired and too skinny day. well that is what someone told me just before I left the office. a smiling jovial slighty chubby but well meaning I think person told me. Older women look better with a little weight. I don't mean to sound like bobby and don't take this wrong but you look tired and I don't know if you mean to have lost weight but when older women are thin they just look fragile like they will break you know. You need to eat more sundays. thanks I said smiling my lips quivering. thanks a lot. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. no wonder I can't get past my face and hair since so many people want to bring to my attention. Who gives a effuceeekay.
anyway. leave me alone. 
I was thinking today that we are born and from that point on we start 
losing. well maybe we gain first, maybe but I think it is more that we 
lose. we had everything and then bit by bit it is lost. At first it is not too
bad. then it starts to get painful. I am going to lose everything I have, if
I don't lose myself first. I may go first. I figure you just have to have 
blind faith. That is only answer. I believe in God and everything here is 
an illusion. pain and pleasure. loss and gain. death and birth. there is 
something beyond all of this that has meaning. I just have to get through
this and believe that I am protected even in suffering and even in my loved ones' suffering. Just have to stop and take a breath and not
think too much. that is never good. all that thinking. who cares
if my face is all lined and etched and maybe haggard. I will still love and accept myself not matter what anybody else has to say. in the end we all be etched and haggard. it is the way of the body. It will die
how is that for dark. that might be it. times up. life goes on.
the relentless march of time, my sweet young marty told me once. how funny to hear that from a twenty year old. How do you know about that? the relentless march of time.

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I am back for day three. totally exhausted but I mean to do this if I can. going away later in the week so might be a pause but I will keep on the best I can. No big insights today. No flashbulbs going off or life changing events. I am having trouble pinpointing one thing that made an impact. it was a busy day and I had to get up early after not sleeping to well because of the fact that my sheets keep popping off my mattress that is too big and my dog seems to like to sleep where my legs usually go so I have to straddle him and then if I have to go to the bathroom forget about it. tossing and turning and tired but sleep evades me. it must be my age. even though the bed is king my husband seems to want to sleep in the middle so I am wedged between him and the dog, who is quite big when he stretches out. it is a no win situation. I did pretty well today and not too much sleep and heaven forbid I look haggard or tired which people seem to want to tell me.
worked with doctor L today. tall young looking thin, dyed hair. I heard he was in his sixties. You would never know it. he is goofy but sincere and absent minded and I was surprised that his exam is perfunctory but he seems to know what he is doing. He is dismissive at times. He made me laugh for sure and I enjoyed it.
Then a singles clinc. running around. hit out in front. step into the ball. you are late, backing up. no power. I forgot my water. My partner let me share hers and we drank out of small paper cups. she forgot her regular glasses and had to wear sun glasses. I asked her if she would like me to wear mine to even out our chances. We were inside in the bubble. then we played and I won. she kept hitting into the net. she was okay with it even though usually she is really crankiy and I had almost given up on her. she was nice today sharing her water and all. 
the afternoon in troy with gerry and carol and dr D. I had an italian patient with ear pain. He didn't understand a word I asked him. How do you help someone you can not talk too. he had nice blue eyes though and wore a little cap.  I had to call his wife and talk to her. He was supposed to call to schedule further testing. He never did . i am not surprised. It was not a bad day. lots of traffic. the sky was blue with puffy clouds and the trees so pretty. And harry called and he sounded good. that is a good day for me.

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Oh, I thought I had replied to yesterdays post already… I might have and the comment got eaten by the Gaia monster, tends to happen a lot these days. Probably lost my nerve and never bothered to type the whole thing again. Or I only wanted to and never did… can't tell sometimes these days. Talking about aging!  ;)

I loved the whole thing about aging and being told when looking haggard and the relentless march of time theme. Many little exquisit gems in there. The more I read the more I find this voice simply adorable.

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oh I hi there Gabriele. Thanks so much. That haggard thing. Well, I decided today that as long as I feel good inside it doesn't matter what people say about my outsides. I don't have as much control over that.

so I will start day four it must be now. I tend to leave this off to the night which is good and bad. I have more to say but I am tired  and the day was long. I never have much energy at night. there is a lot I could do right now but I just want to sit on my little corner of the couch under the lamp and catch on thing here and then read my book which I really like. It is dark and very windy out. Why is it so windy. Is there some kind of storm brewing out there. It is almost tornado sounding. the trees bending and swaying and loud noise. Poly was barking before. I don't think he minds the wind but he doesn't like thunder. He is sleeping next to me now, curled up on the couch. He has red curls. He is always wearing the same outfit. I wonder if he might change it sometimes. but it is always the same and he never talks. he  looks at me and it seems like he wants to say something but he never does.He brought me his toy. He always brings me something. I look up and suddenly I am surrounded by his stuffed animals. I am not sure why he brings them. Maybe he wanted me to throw it and I wasn't paying attention. He must have given up. I feel bad about that. Some day he will be older and won't want to play anymore.
There goes the wind again with a moaning sound. I walked by the river today on the gravel path. There were puddles. they were fresh so I didn't mind walking in them. I had the kind of shoes that are okay with that. Poly took a sip now and then. The wind blew waves in the river and the trees lined the way. It was a nice walk. Not too cold so I just wore my jean jacket and my sweater. The path goes on but I am not sure how long. I have not gone to the end yet. These days won't be around much longer. I put some shorts away today and thought to myself that I hardly even wore my shorts. Seems that way anyway. I love my shorts. they are so easy like sandals. I will miss that. shorts and sandals. I have to find my wool hat and mittens. get ready. I am tired now. I think this might be too short but I just can't do it anymore. I want to lie down and just breathe for awhile and then read my book.

Re: writing mala

fifth day october the eight at seven o four in the evening.
after dinner that I probably ate a little too quickly even though I really try and slow down and eat slowly. A little cup of ginger tea and  I ate some of that ginger too that comes with the sushi. salmon, I love that, white tuna and yellowtail which was a bit fishy and a couple of spicy tuna rolls. Now waiting for tap class which is really way too late at night but I like it when I get there and the girls are fun and then we go out after. way past my bedtime.
tomorrow I have to go down to new york to meet harry at sloan kettering. every three months we have to go there to see his doctor and get his chest xrayed. I feel sick just thinking about it. I don't like the drive down there by myself. up town, traffic and parking. It makes me nervous. And I have to worry. will he show up. I am depending on him to get there from Brooklyn. Last time He was down town and I picked him up. he wasn't there when I got there and the guard at the door had never heard of him or knew what looked like. Neither did the guys in the suite. It was summer housing. I felt like I was in the twilight zone and maybe he didn't even live there and where did he live. he has lied about that before. Well finally he called me. He was at the Starbucks down the street. That check up was clear. This is number two. so he has to get there and I am meeting him in the Xray department at 3 and his appointment is at 3:30. I will be there by 2 most likely because I am always early. I can read in the cafeteria. What if he sleeps through the appointment. He has done that before in other cases but this one is important. he knows how important it is so I will just have to trust him. I have called left a message and texted him to remind him. So if all goes well with that and I pray it does then we will drive to Brooklyn and try to meet up with marty for dinner. I have not seen his new apartment yet so I would like to. He rents a room. One of those loft places in Williamsburg. He doesn't really know his roomates but he likes one of them. It has a freight elevator. His room has big tall windows. He said it was like terrarium in the summer. He as already gotten a summons by cops for being on the roof and he got rousted by some cops for being outside the place at 1 in the morning waiting for a friend. he looked suspicious I guess. They wanted to know what his business was. His car was broken into as well.
so much for living in ny. Some how I will get out of brooklyn after that, might have to venture through staten island and head down to maryland to spend the weekend with my sister and my mother for her birthday. all three of us in a hotel room . that should be cozy.too cozy. I will have to be sure and breath and let out some sighs every now and then. aaaaahhhh. it is going to be okay

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“ I have to decide whether go to carly's crazy I want to die I 'can't stand it class”

 This line is cute, it made me laugh, it also made me think about my present job LOL !!  my,  I want to die I can't stand it job.

               Peter

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I can relate to that as well peter. I feel that way some days. thanks for visiting my mala.
jen

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okay. day six? friday night october the ninth at nine fifty three in the evening.
sitting at a desk in a marriot hotel off the the NJ turnpike. I had to open the window because it smells in here. It is supposed to be a non smoking room but it must have been a smoking room in its previous life because there is no mistaking that old smoke smell. I don't have the energy to complain. There is a soccer team some where in this place and I really don't want to end up near them so I will make do with the window open even though I can hear every car and truck and bus as it makes it was down south. I am sure it will slow down at some point or I will give up and close the window.
I am drinking water from my water bottle that I filled up from the water cooler in my den all those hours ago before I left home. That was a very long time ago. eleven hours ago.
I was thinking that some days my talk is superficial and chatty and probably not too important or deep and then other days I can't get beyond one thought or I am depressed and well I don't know. I could be chatty right now, tell about my day and all I did. I could do that. There is certainly a lot to say but I am not sure anyone really wants to hear it. That shouldn't stop me though because the nice thing about this place is that it is writing for spiritual practice. writing to write to express to feel to get it out. It doesn't have to Be anything. It smells like smoke in here. I hate that. I really do and I think I am pretty easy going usually. It took me forever to get out of the city. I didn't think I was going to  and I was stuck in gridlock so I felt a little panicky. Going into the Holland Tunnel and what if I get stuck in there. I got stuck in  a very long tunnel once with my parents and my sister.We were on our way somewhere. I was in the back seat with my sister. My mother and father in the front. Why would it be any different. Truck going by. My mother started screaming and hitting my father. It is all your fault It is all your fault. I am not sure why it was his fault. It was always his fault, the poor guy. She sure did scream. She screamed a lot. It was pretty horrible at the time. I am sure we were crying. Oh well. We must have finally got through it. maybe the traffic eased up or my father calmed her down. I can't remember the details. I remember the fumes and the noise and the lights of the car and that eerie light that tunnels have. Why are they made of tile. That white tile like a bathroom and there is always a little rail. does someone walk there. I wonder if the wall will break and water will come rushing through.
I got through the tunnel okay though and out to the other side to new jersey in the dark. 
Harry got there before I did to the hospital and he had his xray and he is okay and Dr. A shook his hand and told him.  You are going to be okay. you leave the worrying to me. You look good. Harry Harry. he talked to me and we laughed and he told me he loved me and he hugged me good bye. He is doing well. I think he is going to be okay no matter what. He has grown up so much from all of this. It smells like smoke in here. I think I will go to bed now.

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here I am again. tuesday october 13th. I missed a couple of days because I was down visiting my mother. she doesn't like it when I go on the computer. She thinks I have a problem. My sister has the same problem. She looks at me with suspicion when I turn it on and then I feel guilty and just do a few basics and turn it off again. I am not sure I want to go into the whole weekend thing with my mother. too much to say and I have to go to the bathroom. I should just go but then I have to open the door and the dog will get up and be disturbed. I am in here hiding from him. I have to hide from him because he also does not like me to be on the computer and he takes things like pens and books and such to let me know. He is not sure what I am doing in here so he is lying outside the door.
It is peaceful in here. In my son's room. the floor is wooden. I like wood floors. I find them comforting. There is an old organ in here that someone picked up somewhere.Maybe marty. Not sure where it came from. Harry's picture is on it. The one when he was about four wearing a blue lion king shirt. he is laughing.
The wall paper is white with blue stars and there is a border near the ceiling with spacemen and space ships. This was originally both of their rooms. how do you say that exactly. bunk beds that were together then separate. and then one bed was moved to the other room. wait it was marty's first then both, then marty's and then harry's and now both sleep in here when they are home separately. something about this room. It is quiet and you can hear the birds when there are no power tools somewhere being used.
lots of wood in here. I like wood. a small little rug that i put on the floor. 
marty's pictures that he drew in art school are on the walls. an old acordian on the floor and a trumpet case.
memories I guess are here. That is why I like it in here. it safe and cozy to me.
there are no curtains on the windows. blue shades. lots of light in here. I took the doors off the closet and a bookcase is in there with all of their books. a lot of books. I like to look at them there neatly lined up. I took them all out one day dusted them and organized them. It was not always so neat in here. neat, because no one lives in here right now. We just come and visit. rest and breathe, look out the window. it is raining.

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Jen, thank you for sharing this lovely, peaceful room. I feel as if I know pretty well everything about it now, know where things are, whose room it was and is, and how being in the room makes one feel. I like the artiness that is there in the room, the pictures on the wall, the musical instruments.

It's funny how computers make people feel insecure, or maybe unloved. Even the dog, taking pens and books to show his displeasure. Well, dogs are people too, I guess.

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Jenni, I feel peaceful after reading this piece this morning. Kind of like I spend a bit of time in that wooden memory breathing looking out of the window room myself. (I learned this from you btw, on this thread, to name things in this way - I love it when you do your brilliant little sketches of people like this!) Why is it that every time I read something from you I feel an urge to get up and go write a bit? Well anyway, gotta go now, write a bit.  :)  Lovely reading you here, as always. Lovely and inspiring.

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thanks both of you for your kind words. I am glad you liked the room. you are right about computers rudyan. same with phones. I called my husbands I phone his new best friend.
Gabriele, looking at your collage makes me want to get out my supplies that are waiting for me.
love you both!!

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october the fourteenth at two fifty six in the afternoon. someone is mowing the lawn. might be my lawn since I don't do it. poly is watching from the window.
it is colder today than it has been and I had to wear my winter coat which laureen thought was my fall coat because it is pretty lightweight. it is thin but down. short and a dark mauve. I got it at ems. I had this other black down jacket that I got at an outlet store in vermont. I wore it for years. It is falling apart so I wanted a new one. It is hard to find the perfect coat. has to be warm but lightweight. I hate a heavy coat that drags you down.
some people have so many coats. my sister for instance on our recent trip brought four coats with her. I guess they are a statement like shoes. I could get into that too. start buying coats. like plates. I bought two yellow plates today. a light pale yellow like butter. I like to have lots of different kinds of plates and bowls too. I am not sure I have room for all the plates and bowls I like. I feel like you can't have too many depending on your mood.
I want to set a nice table with an old fashioned table cloth and different plates and old cloth napkins. I like the look of that, like it really matters in the end.  A pottery pitcher with water and some flowers. somebody mentioned flowers earlier. Gabriele I think and someone else maybe Azyhh or maybe andrea said that they forget about flowers even though they have them in their gardens, bringing them inside I mean. I bought a little vase not long ago. you might say I have been buying a lot recently. I want to always have a fresh flower some where. I think that is important like small candles in those little holders made of glass that you can place around to make the room warm. there is not enough light in my living room and the walls are dark. I need better lamps or brighter bulbs or something. You need good lighting and I hate over head lights although they might probably make good overhead lighting, like in some bathrooms where you look better than in others.  chinese restaurant lighting. my den is like that with the lights inside the ceiling. Indirect lighting? I thought that was supposed to better but it is like a chinese restaurant to me, not that there is anything wrong with chinese restaurants.  To have the perfect light. Natural light must be the best light although it is not always flattering to me but everyone else looks fine in it.
I have too many trees and that makes it dark but I can't take down my trees. I really couldn't do that especially the maple and the oak. They will always be here no matter how much trouble they cause.
nothing like a lawnmower in the distance. it might have been a perfect day today with the sunlight  and the clouds. Poly and I took a walk by the river and I looked at the path between a row of trees and I thought about good times and bad times and it is best to be somewhere in the middle at all times and then I realized that is what must be meant by the middle path. some things dawn on me like that. like self realization. a fancy term but all it really must mean is to really know one's self. Oh, so that is who you are.That seems like it should be simple enough but obviously it is not.

Re: writing mala

The next day, the fifteenth.
I am pooped today and although I am not exactly tired, my energy is low and everything seems like an effort. It was a cloudy day and I heard we lost three minutes of light yesterday. It seems to be speeding up this journey towards darkness that happens every year. December seems a long way off to the shortest day of the year when I can starting hoping for light again. I am depressed today I guess. The grey early darkness and the tedium of thursday. The endlessness of it. I sat in the den for awhile in the green rocking chair that I saw sitting outside pier one this summer. I drove by it two times. I had to have it finally. It sat outside all summer being an outside chair. it is green. I brought it in. I hate to think of it outside in the weather even though all of the other chairs stay out there.
I put it in the den. Not my favorite room. I am not sure why. It is a little cold in there. But I sat there tonight with my tea and tried to just be for a bit and enjoy the silence and look around. I couldn't stay long. I can't just sit there for too long. Not that I am ever accomplishing anything, like some people always have to be doing, like laundry. No, but I need to read or do this, get on the computer. 
I just feel kind of sad. Maybe because someone from my past contacted me out of the blue and then disappointed me once again like always, in a mean negligent way that I just have to get over like I got over all those years ago. Some people may just very well be evil unfortunately to be so wantonly cruel to someone else. Or maybe they are just insensitive.
I can't stand to hurt others, although I am sure I have but always inadvertently. Never with a purpose. 
Some times we can't help but hurt others, but if it has to be, do with some compassion for Gods sake. Is that too hard?
I am just hurt and it really bothers me that someone has the  power to hurt me. I suppose that is just my ego protecting itself. I hate that I could be so shallow to be concerned with my ego. I guess I have not grown up that much. No one can hurt me without my permission. Isn't that what they always say.
I know that I will get over this. Just give me some time and there are other things that are weighing on me as well. I  know that I am disappointing someone right this minute as well. I have the power to hurt and I don't want that power but I have been burdened with it. I want to give it away. I have to do the right thing and sometimes that causes pain. Just give me the strength and the wisdom to do it with as little pain as possible. To know when to hold them when to fold them know when to walk away know when to run. Something like that. Good song. Listen to my higher self. I am listening. I am trying very hard to listen. I would rather be hurt then to hurt another. This is so true. I have to walk softly and be silent and know when to talk and when not to talk. Just be who I am and no one else. Do what I have to do be at peace in my world. I asked jane the office manager today. I leaned over in my chair so she could hear me. What did you say was the meaning of life?
she looked at me and said I forget. And I said so did I. And then she mentioned that she had just heard that question recently. Like it comes up so often in conversation. not really but she said yes she heard it in the movie city slickers that she watched the other night. Jack Palance, I think he died in the movie. She said he said that there is only one meaning but each person has their own version of it. That sounds interesting and something to think about. We thought about that a bit and then went on with our day. 
And tomorrow is another day.

Re: writing mala

Ach. I read the last two in one sitting, just now. That was a good read, Jenni. Like a river gently flowing through a beautiful forest. With tall trees and underwood, shadows, smells, dead leaves, things growing and things rotting away, and the river runs through it all. You have never disappointed me. You have a quality in your writing that to me feels very similar to Ramsses, in spite of the different energy and themes. But there always is, as I said to Big R as well only yesterday, something to take away with me and treasure. Not to mention the wonderful writing, the gentleness and sense of humor.

I asked jane the office manager today. I leaned over in my chair so she could hear me. What did you say was the meaning of life? she looked at me and said I forget. And I said so did I.

This is so good. And funny. Wonderful little scene. If this was in a movie, I'd want to see it!

Re: writing mala

hi there Gabriele, how eternally sweet you are to come and read the stuff that I write. thank you.
The river runs through it. Did you ever see that movie? I loved that movie.
To be compared to Big R,. That is really beyond a compliment. I am not so sure he would want to hear of it. 
I can see the similarities but as you say, the energy is different for very sure. He is more esoteric and hidden. Mysterious I suppose but thank you for the comparison. I will cherish that.
I have to get on with today.  so I best go and start. I have a lot I could say but what will come out I am not sure.
You are really the best Gabriele. the best of who you are.

Re: writing mala

oh dear what to say on this day october the sixteenth at eight thirteen in the evening. My head is very heavy and I am sitting here a  lump in this chair that is not sure it can possibly move and what will I say tonight now when I could say much but what is important to me. what wants to be said. I think that is the challenge. what wants to be said. I figure that if I keep writing it will show itself. So far it is not working and I am just typing. I am tired.
I had a low period this evening when I got home for work after I had to pick up the dead thing that my dog had been playing with in the backyard. So that is why he would not come in last night and he kept playing games with me and then I had the dream this morning when he was loose and was running into the road with his leash dangling. Standing in the middle of the road that is busy down our street. I was so afraid that he was going to be hit by a car. I kept trying to call out to richard to help me get him but my voice would just come out in a whisper no matter how much I tried to yell. Anyway it was a dead mouse. I bagged it and threw it in the big garbage bin that has to be hauled out to the curb every sunday night. you have to make sure the wheels are turned a certain way and I always forget and have to check the other garbage cans. When I came in, I looked at my dog with disgust. How could you yuck yuck yuck. you lick with me that tongue.you have dead animal breath. I had to shut myself in  a room to get away from him for awhile. I will have to brush his teeth with his poultry flavored toothpaste. Anyway I was out of sorts because I had texted harry and have been calling marty since yesterday and I paged richard two hours ago and as of yet no one had responded. I was alone and is everyone okay . I just had to wait patiently. Harry finally texted me “yeah”. Marty callled from vermont telling me he just missed being in an accident. needed to hear that and he was kind of short because he is with his girlfriend that I have never met and I worry about  that and don't want him to get hurt as he has been hurt before and he must have missed his internship yesterday to go up there and is that okay and I really have to let him live his life and richard finally called.
so i made some dinner and ate it and then ate the rest of my cheesecake and that is it.
I had a difficult patient to day.  A tall man who I knew right away was trouble. Something about him. I am not sure he wanted to be treated by a woman. I think that was the bottom line. He could not tolerate me trying to clean the wax out of his ears. he pulled back, he said no way. I can't do this. geeese louise. do you want to know real pain buddy boy. He ended up leaving. I have never had that happen to me before. It was a first. five years ago it would have bothered me. not  now.
so that is it . that is it in a nutshell. A day dealing with people and worrying about people and wanting to know my children are okay and I spoke to my mother and she is happy that harry called to wish her a happy birthday but marty has not called yet but he wrote her number on his hand when he finally called so hopefully he won't forget and some day he will realize how important it is to someone that they are not forgotten. It has taken me this many years and still I am not sure I fully realize how you have to reach out and do the little extra to love because you want love.
And poly is sleeping now, his little dead animal put to rest.

Re: writing mala

which day is this I am not sure. but the date is october seventeenth and it is seven o'clock in the evening. I was realizing that I might have to give this up come november for awhile. what to talk about today. I guess it would have to be my favorite part of the day which was my walk with poly down by the corning preserve. It is a about a twenty minute drive for me to downtown Albany. The corning preserve is just off 787. There is a small parking lot there where you can park. I lived here for over twenty  years and until two years ago I think I only went down there once and that was when the boys were small. I hooked their bikes on bike rack and we ventured down there. Like small boys usually can be they would tire easily and want something to eat. There happened to be a small restaurant down there and I think we got french fries after putting the bikes back on the car.
well anyway I rediscovered it a couple of years ago, like I rediscovered so many different things after I got napoleon. So many neat places to walk.
This place is frequented by bikers, runners and walkers. It runs parallel to the Hudson River. It is quite busy at lunch time with people walking from the city.
It was pretty quiet there today. I thought it was going to be a nice day to appreciate the soon to be gone colorful leaves by it turned out to be pretty cloudy.
I had to wear my polartec with my light down jacket over it.
it was fine and really pretty balmy but I like to be warm. I picked some purple aster wild flowers to put in my small vase later.
the path is also near the highway so although you don't see the cars you can hear them. Too bad but probably was not always that way. I am not sure why it is called the Corning preserve. The water was pretty calm. I saw one very big boat. There was a bridge with a  middle that turned to let it through. I was not sure how it knew to turn. Maybe someone mans it or maybe there is some code. I am not sure how many big boats frequent that area.
It appeared that there was a wedding on the boat but as I looked I realized that it was just a photo shoot. A woman in a gown and veil and some men and a child and a photographer. I saw another smaller boat that looked like a party boat but it was going to  fast. 
Several bikers passed me and a runner too. They were not too friendly. I saw  a man in a motorized wheel chair. He smiled after I smiled and there was a sign on the back of his chair that said God Bless America.
There was a woman in a bike that you sit and lean back in.
A couple with a wet lab and and a women in shorts, long blonde hair and big teeth walked with a lab mix and a springer spaniel. A young man with long hair raced by with a grey jacket.
Some people smile and are friendly. Some don't even look at you. I can understand that if you are lost in your own little world. by the bridge a man came out of a portapotty and drove away in his car. I wondered how desperate he must have been to drive there and use that.
People sat in their cars looking at the water I guess or sleeping. I am not sure what they were up to. I saw a older woman with black hair and a pink sweater and green rubber shoes. She seemed somehow connected to a younger guy with a boat. On my way back she was still there on the pier by herself looking up river at what I don't know.
There was a broken plastic bowling pin in the grass, some other garbage too.
When I got to the car I saw two young people with a bag picking up what looked like leaves from the ground. The one guy looked at me or looked at my dog probably.
from there I went to visit my aunt bette in the nursing home who thinks her parents are still alive and she has to take care of them.
I found her in front of the TV in her wheel chair with all of the others. None of them were actually watching the program. She seemed to be thinking about something. She was happy to see me though even though she did not know who I was.
From there I went to the shoe depot to find some merrells. They did not have my size but they sure were cozy. They had some boots I liked but they only came in wide. I gave up and drove home. Stopped off at petco to buy poly a dentabone. His breath still bad from the dead animal even though I brushed his teeth. got him a new tag and a squeaky toy that some woman who just happened to be there was enticing him with.
One of the employees gave him a biscuit. They are very friendly there.
We are resting now. His squeaky toy is beside me. He must have put it there and he is sleeping on the floor. He just stretched and sighed.

Re: writing mala

day whatever. six oh five in the evening on october the eighteenth.
I am not sure I can do this tonight. I am too tired for whatever reason. Not like I did so much. I felt like a wrote a lot today for other reasons so maybe that is it. I don't have to write too much really. I can just sit here and type. It is sunday. I don't ever like sundays really. why why why. I remember my father told me that he started to like sundays after he retired because he didn't have to go to work the next day. He died less then two years later.
So there is a message there somewhere I know. He loved to garden. I always remember him on the weekends outside. We had a big patch of pachysandra in the front. He would sit in there weeding. I have a small bunch of it and I really can't imagine being that meticulous. He just loved it. Gosh the light is pretty out the window. It is kind of pinkish.
It is cozy in here under the light and poly passed out and being good. He just got up and went to the window and I can hear the dryer down stairs tossing the clothes around. I love that sound. It is very peaceful. When harry was baby he would get on a crying jag sometimes. I had read somewhere that putting babies on the dryer would calm them
I would pull up a chair in my unfinished basement, put him on a blanket  on the dryer and would hold him there. He would eventually calm down.
I just talked to him on the phone.  He is worried about doing well on his bio test because he has to have a  3.5 average to get into the program he wants to apply too.
What a difficult time for young people when they have yet to find a career and there is so much pressure. I am happy to be out of that. I worry for him now.
I just want everyone to be happy and content and healthy. Is that asking too much?
I am dehydrated and I don't feel like making dinner so I will probably heat something up or make a salad or a sandwich when I feel up to it.
saying whatever we want to someone, not to care if it hurts them. I can't do that. never could. I have felt like it sometimes. And actually after the initial sting I welcome it when someone finds faults with me or tells me how they really feel about me. It is kind of freeing and I appreciate it in the end. Maybe I like the pain,Emotional pain. I think I do now, that I think about it. horrible to realize. Maybe it is helps me to grow stronger. I don't know.
I grew up with some emotional pain. I think a lot of us did. I sometimes wonder if it is the relief after the pain that we crave versus the pain itself. I remember my father used to have these horrible headaches and he once said that the relief when they were over was almost worth the pain. Interesting.
So there you go. never know what is going to pop out.
I need to get something to drink.
I didn't write too much tonight did I. Maybe I should write more. Maybe not. Maybe this is enough

Re: writing mala

aaacch. what is that. the next day. and really feeling out of sorts right now on the couch with poly on my feet and the gas stove roaring and I really should get up to go to the bathroom but really feel like that is such a waste of time. better do it though. okay so that is a little better. I probably should not bother tonight. worse than last night. no energy. lying here now in my long johns and my purple long sleeved zip up thing that I got who knows where but it comes in handy on a cold day. it is warm in some mysterious way. It looks like any other shirt. my throat is sore but it maybe the dark chocolate dove I just ate. sometimes that makes my throat sore but It was a little sore before that. I might want it to be sore. could that be? to get sick. I have not been sick in some time. About three years ago I got a chest thing that was a little scary but that cleared up on some kind of antibiotic. I had the flu really bad so long ago it was when my bed was facing a different direction than it is now so that was eons ago. I used to get the stomach thing quite often especially when I was young. My father would give me this really awful tasting stuff called Paregoric or something like that. Turns out it was an opium derititive. made me sleep loved it. I would sleep on the bathroom floor. Last time I got sick like that was after a what do you call it something luck at the temple.I had it pretty bad after that. probably food poisoning.
so it has been awhile. I think I have a pretty strong immune system. knock on plastic. but my time might have come. And have not gotten a flu shot in years even though I am in the business of sick people so it might be smart but I am not interested. don't trust those vaccines but want my children to get them.
I hope I sleep well tonight.
Another day tomorrow. the sky was blue today. I saw it out the window and the trees were red and yellow on the way home. I think I should be taking a scenic ride somewhere. I am missing them. Took a scenic ride when harry was an infant and marty was two or so. Harry cried the whole time. We hit bumper to bumper traffic on route seven and marty chanted the whole time.  ” I want to go to the mall” we stopped for a bite to eat in a so so restaurant, turned around and went home. We could have seen the same nice trees where we lived.

Re: writing mala

I loved the story about Poly and the dead mouse. The disgust, eeeeeuw, don't touch me. Dead animal breath, brushing his teeth with his poultry-flavored toothpaste. The fear, trying to get him off the road, so palpable:

I kept trying to call out to richard to help me get him but my voice would just come out in a whisper no matter how much I tried to yell.

And on top of everything else, a difficult patient:

geeese louise. do you want to know real pain buddy boy.

Made me smile.

And always, the introspection:

It has taken me this many years and still I am not sure I fully realize how you have to reach out and do the little extra to love because you want love.

I love that you're sticking with this mala writing, Jen—it's so awesome to read you.

Re: writing mala

jenni, this is such a comfortable voice, even if it is feeling a slight sore throat. I could really feel the honesty of just moving through the stream of thoughts that appeared.

My favorite parts:

knock on plastic (presumably because you had no wood available - made me laught)

a something luck at the temple (pot luck?)

I am in the business of sick people

I don't want those things even though I want my kids to get them.

I also thought it was humorous in an ironic way to hit bumper to bumper traffic on a scenic ride. Also to measure time by the direction your bed was facing. Very entertaining.

xo
Andrea

Re: writing mala

Hi you guys. It is so nice and fun as well to have you come and visit and say a few things. I am glad you are enjoying my wandering thoughts.
I had to skip yesterday so today is october the twenty first at eleven thirty in the morning. It is very quiet and my ears are ringing slightly I think from the head cold that seems to have invaded my head as well as my throat and is working its way down into my chest. my head is heavy and my eyes ache.
Not so bad that i have to be in bed however. I hate that when it is so bad you can't get up and you hate lying there and can't get comfortable and everything aches. Not that bad.
I was able to take a walk this morning down by the river with poly. It was not too cold out. The water was so still, like glass. there were some pretty light yellow flowers on thin stalks that I had not seen before. I collected a couple to put in my vase.
I also collected some brown leaves because I am feeling brown today. I want to put them in a collage. A brown leaf collage. I am hoping if I glue them down well enough they won't crack and fall apart. I remember ironing leaves into wax paper.
I put them on the kitchen counter and poly ran away with them. Luckily he did not destroy them.
I just picked up a book yesterday written by a poet. She talked about keeping a journal and collecting words. I think I might do that. I like that idea. even make up words.
I have lots of books that I need to actually read and finish. I have several lying around half read. 
You can't really look at the whole picture, I figured today. It is easier to take it in sections. Like organizing my life and house. Start small and do one thing really well. I keep telling myself that. I have trouble starting that one small thing and usually if I do, I don't get to the next thing.
I drove by a house where the owner had put those A framed wooden things over his evergreens. It was so neat and tidy and I thought of the energy and motivation it must have taken to do that and how he probably does it every year. I think I did that maybe once or twice in the past. I still have the wooden things lying on their side next to the shed. Probably rotting like the wooden chair set over by the pool. It is falling sideways into the ground. got to get rid of it. Maybe next year. It would be nice if the person I lived with was motivated. We both tend to procrastinate. Things can lie around for months.
Oh well. I am not sure I am so different from many.
I have no energy today and so  a really good day to do just whatever. Everything can wait. I hope. I need to go blow my nose.
not too much happening here. trying to find inspiration. waitng for a voice to speak through me. Hey other people have been channeled. I am open to it. I am ready. Say what you have to say. Seek and you shall find. listen and you will hear.
I figure if I would shut up long enough I might hear something. Poly was eating his  breakfast and I was standing by the sink drinking a  glass of grapefruit juice. I thought about taking it upstairs while I showered. Instead I decided to just stand there and watch him eat. How often do I take the time to just watch him eat or just watch anything for that matter.
just sit there. do absolutely nothing. stop thinking and observe.
maybe time would go slower. I speed my life up. I gave my camera to marty and now I don't have one. I need to have a camera. I miss it.
I guess that is it.

Re: writing mala

I have to write tonight don't I . I don't really have to but I mean to keep this up until at least november when I will  have to be writing something else and won't most likely have time for this. It is by the way october 22nd at 6: 55 in the evening. Same place same time on the couch under my lamp light that is less than sufficient but persists because I never take the time to change the bulb. It is okay for writing but not for reading.
my nose is still stuffy and I have lost my acute sense of taste and smell. Everything is slightly dull and I have not been sleeping well. I usually wake up around 3 am stuck between richard and my dog spread out and I can't move and I have to cough, blow my nose, drink something and go to the bathroom. I usually end up in my sons room on his twin bed staring at the ceiling. I try to keep my eyes open. I find that helps. It reminds me of that song from Mary Poppins when she sings to them to get them to go to sleep. Something about not letting their eyes close. I will have to look it up.
I loved that movie. I lived in a Hampstead for a few years growing up and the house where that movie was filmed was in my neighborhood. It was pink I think. We would go and look at it sometimes. There was also a house with a ships maiden head attached to it. I took a picture of it years later when I went back there with richard to see my old house. He is standing in front of it.
I am not sure how I got on that subject. you never know I guess.
I took a walk down the street today after work. I was tired but I wanted to get some fresh air and poly was ansy even though he had gone to day care today. It was warm but I was chilled so I still wore a polartec and my light down jacket. I had on my green yoga pants. I think I must have looked quite fetching.
It was so quiet but a wind was blowing the trees. it was not sunny but the oranges and yellows still stood out. I collected a few colorful leaves on the pavement. They were scattered around with brown dry ones like they had been left behind. blowing about. The clouds were moving in the sky and black birds were flying. It was quiet but not quiet. kind of eerie. I ran into three little girls who stopped what they were doing to pet poly. 
One was tall and skinny with glasses. A little one with a sweater and dirty pants, her sister I think and a slightly pudgy girl with a shirt that said my daddy rocks on and fingerless turquoise gloves. They all had something to tell me.
I went on back home after that. There was boy across the street bagging leaves. He never looked up.

Re: writing mala

I thought I would post the song if I can figure out how. I don't remember it sounding this way, but always remembered the open eyes part.

Re: writing mala

today is a day of non-resolutions and questions. It is october the twenty fourth at four oh one. it is raining and it has been raining all day. My nose is still stuffy and I am pretty sick of that. breathing through my mouth. 
feeling up in the air in general, like my feet aren't quite touching but I am still be carried along. not much choice and so often I feel like I am wasting time. No matter what I am doing I figure that there probably something more important I should be doing. Not that I did anything of any consequence today. nothing on my list of things to do, that I write down on little pieces of paper or on the backs of envelopes now and then and then I lose. I have been writing the same things for some time.
I did do one load of laundry and I took a shower. I got to yoga class and took two short walks in the rain.
I watched the rest of Love in the Time of Cholera. I started it last night. It was a long movie. About a guy who waits his whole life for this one woman that he truly loves. I guess she loved him but she married someone else and he had to wait for her husband to die. he waited 51 years. He had sex with 622 or more woman in the meantime to take his mind off of her.
So I was wondering about true love and I have decided that I don't believe in it anymore. At least not at this point in time. I have felt this love but I don't trust it anymore. It  either is taken away or comes with conditions. It never seems to maintain its purity. So is it true. I only seem to be able to catch glimpses of it and then it is clouded. Can you love more than one person.  Is there only one love and it can be experienced in different situations. One love with different faces. Love like the field that two people can enter and experience as one. It is not really love for the person but experience of love through that person. I am just thinking here.
The other person has to be in tune with this too. Like Rumi and Hafiz. They would stare into each other's eyes to see God. I always loved that. What happened to them. Did Hafiz leave.
I can't remember.
I was very disappointed in my boots today. I have had them for so many years. Each year I want to buy new ones, but I put the old ones on and I say to myself. These are good boots. Why get new ones. They are short. they zip up. They are black and most importantly they are waterproof. I took poly down by the canal and we walked in the rain. It was a mess down there with puddles and we got soaked. He didn't want to go far and just stopped at one point. Time to go home. He needs a coat for wet weather.
Well, my boots leaked. My socks got wet. I feel kind of bad actually. I should not say I am disappointed because they served me well for so long. They are just beat now. It is over. I have to find new waterproof boots.
So much for the boots. I had to take off my jeans because they were soaked through. I had my noreaster hat on and my gortex waterproof jacket that I got in 1999 from ems. I got it to go to england because I figured it would rain there. It was sunny the whole time. I still have the coat though. I like to hold on to some things. I have a tie died tank top that I have had for twenty nine years. I am pretty proud of that. I have a picture of myself wearing it when I was twenty in cape may new jersey. I was visiting my parents. I had my first job by then and was living in staten island. I lived in a building in the parking lot of the hospital there. It smelled. I can still smell it and it was infested with cock roaches. They even got in the fridge. They liked my bathtub as well for some reason. I had a round green hooked rug with flowers on the floor and I slept on a fold out
couch. I remember when I first moved in. how scared I was all alone 
there. I spent a lot of time going to the mall to kill time. I was pretty  lonely.I worked a lot though.  I moved after a year to another place that was in a basement. It was better there. It didn't smell and no roaches.

Re: writing mala

this might be it for awhile. I should probably move on to something else, however I do enjoy this coming here and writing.
It says spiritual practice and I do find that it soothes me spiritually  to write whatever comes my way. I feel better about it some days than others. Sometimes it is very real to me and other times it is just nonsense.
It must depend on my mood and how I am feeling. That certainly can be up and down. It also depends on what I might have read that day or how I am feeling about myself. Who has influenced me. I appear to be easily influenced. I am like a leaf on the wind, blown this way and that or a ball thrown too and fro.
I hate that people can hurt me. I know that it is just an illusion. I have read that over and over again. The inner stillness persists despite all what goes around me.  I have trouble remembering that. Someone who had power over me so many years ago has resurfaced to cause me turmoil. once again. Would like to give a piece of mind to this person but I read today to only show the one who can hurt you, a whole person. Don't allow the hurt to come through. That person is just like me. Suffers and needs love and recognition in the same way. I have to be tolerant.
To always be loving no matter what. Even to those you hate?
Not that I really hate anyone. I don't think I do anyway. Maybe I do underneath it all. have some hate. Horrible to think but very possible. Have to come to terms with that too.
I walked down by the river this late afternoon. The light was exquisite. After the rain and dreariness yesterday, it was a welcome sight. The trees are so strong down there. I named some of them. I read in this book today that you should name things. It is a book about poetry. I had some trouble with it at first but then I soon got into the swing of it. I named trees after a lot of you here. That was fun. I just hope I can remember. With the leaves all gone, they might look different. They are scattered though and I remembered the trunks and where they are in relation to certain landmarks. On my way back I found on lone kind of gnarly tree. short and somewhat misshappen. I needed a name but was at a loss. Then it came to me. Herb. your name is Herb and I touched it. My father's name was Herb. I think he would like that, a tree named after him.
He was cremated when he died but he wanted his ashes buried in a military cemetery. I thought he should have been scattered in his garden. I have never been back to his grave. I am not even sure how to get there. It is in maryland somewhere. His wife knows. She had a stone bench put there by it to remember him. I would rather remember him by a tree. I had never thought to do anything like that before. he died many years ago now. I still feel him around though, when certain people smile. He had an amazing smile. It was like his face couldn't control itself. He loved to laugh.
I went to saratoga today to a meditation reminder session in the library there. in the basement. Richard and I were the only ones who showed up. We talked mostly about vedic medicine  and  herbs.
There was a bathroom there that was for little girls. The toilet was so small it was barely off the ground.  The other one was locked with no one in it so I had to use the small one.
we went to the health food store and got some stuff from the buffet for dinner. some hummus and the some vegetables and coconut ice cream. We ran into Tbo who said I had to try the ice cream. I love Saratoga. It is so pretty there by Congress Park.  We had some wheatgrass juice in a small one ounce container.
I bought some chocolate too.
The drive home was pretty with the blue sky and the yellow and orange muted now trees. I love a nice day in the late fall.
Next weekend we turn the clocks back and the darkness will come. I plan on doing a lot of winter sports this year to get out.

Re: writing mala

Hey Jenni, I think you can write here as long as you want to—I love reading you. I like to write here too, in my own mala thread, but only do it every now and then, whenever something calls to be written in this vein.

I particularly enjoyed in this day's writing what you say about naming trees after people—I hadn't thought of that myself, but I think I'll start. I'm always trying to remember what kind of tree is this one or that one; and isn't that a little bit like trying to remember where a person comes from (or what distinguishes one from another in fairly broad terms)? Not personal at all. And I like the ceremonial feel to the naming, and the thought that goes into it:

On my way back I found on lone kind of gnarly tree. short and somewhat misshappen. I needed a name but was at a loss. Then it came to me. Herb. your name is Herb and I touched it. My father's name was Herb. I think he would like that, a tree named after him.

I love your description of Herb's smile: He had an amazing smile. It was like his face couldn't control itself.

Thank you for this.

Ruth

Re: writing mala

you are so sweet Ruth and you always warm my heart. You have a tree by the river. You are cradled between Gabriele and Sandra.
Thank you for the part about my father.
love,  
jenni

Re: writing mala

You warm my heart. A tree by the river? and cradled between Gabriele and Sandra? Oh my goodness, thank you!

Re: writing mala

the 26th. why does yesterday seem so much better than today. I was wiser, more in tune and younger. Today I am old and haggard. My head is heavy and I can't breathe through my nose. I itch. I am hot then cold then sweaty. My nose is chapped and raw and so are my lips. I have to blow constantly. I have little energy but I plod on. I had to work and pass my germs to other people less sick than me. Harry calls me now with every grade he gets which most often are not that bad but not good enough if he wants to get into the program he wishes for. With marty I was just happy he passed now I have to hope for no less then over a B. Not that I care so much but he cares and I have to talk to him and say it is okay and he is doing his best. I think back to last year when he didn't care at all and didn't even go to class and never called me. The angst of having to help him through disappointment is better than watching him do nothing and not care. Do I see that. Can I appreciate that. Why can I never see what I have and have gratitude. There is always something wrong. Something nagging at me. That lack I hear of. My dog is barking and he won't stop. Stop barking please. I am trying to concentrate.
I hate writing. I hate reading. I hate lying down. I hate sitting here. How is that for cheerful. I hate cooking to and then eating and putting it all away and trying then to sleep and usually waking up at some point. I am obviously not in the happiest place. I am wearing a head band and my hair is too long and I can't wait to cut it all off. Jane said as I was leaving. So tomorrow when you go to your doctor. Don't cry. I wasn't sure why I would cry and said that I am sure there won't be any surprises. Well don't cry and call me if there is anything. why would there be anything. what does she know that I don't. She the one who warned me about looking tired and too thin and fragile. Why can't people stop commenting on how I look. I wouldn't think to say anything to anybody else about their weight or their looks. Too private and usually hurtful. I wish I could breathe. Tomorrow will be a better day. I did take a walk which was fine except for the  chain saw down the street There is always a power tool somewhere. I saw some kids laughing and playing in a cul de sac. my neighbors were raking and I stopped and talked a bit. We talked about their tree. I got home with some energy to empty and fill the dishwasher which should have been done last night and then this morning and finally taken care of tonight. and washed 
poly's bowls and that tray underneath that has been bothering me for sometime and fed him and cut up that spaghetti squash. It was so effing hard to cut, I almost impaled myself on the knife but I got it done and then I had to scrape out the seeds and the stringy innards and they would not come out just like with a pumpkin and I had to do it by hand it and it was slimy and made my hands itch. I did it though and put it in the oven to cook. have to make something to put on it later.
enough now. my head hurts. yuck yuck . hopefully no one reads this tonight. I wouldn't. 

Re: writing mala

I did read this, jenni, and I have to say, I could relate. Life just sometimes feels this way, and I don't think we need to pretend and say that things are always wonderful. I think it's more about going through these uncomfortable moments and getting whatever we are supposed to get from them.

I can so feel the illness, as I am still struggling to breathe clearly myself. I can relate to that struggle for your son to get good grades, and regretting the times when he didn't care, because now it is harder for him.

The part on not commenting on people's appearance or weight is so true. Why do people so often feel compelled to say hurtful things? What do they really get out of it? Do they even realize what they are doing?

I laughed at the spaghetti squash, though. It's like, “I'm feeling so bad so why not cook one of the hardest things to cut open on earth?”  Well, I also had a bad evening as an end to a perfectly lovely day, and I am here grovelling, enjoying reading about someone else's not so hot day, however, I never thought of challenging myself with cutting squash just to top it off.

I love your mala entries. The honesty is just immense.

xo
Andrea

Re: writing mala

hey andrea,
thanks so much for sludging through that.  I think I made that word up. I feel a bit lighter emotionally today than I did yesterday. Still a little down. I think it is the grayness of the day or it might be the guy who insists on power blowing his leaves next door. Get a rake and do a little quiet exercise I would like to say or I will even do it for you if that will get you turn that thing off. 
well anyway enough of that.
You sound like you had quiet a wammy of illnesss. I read on the harvest thread that you are on prednisone. I hope not for long. I know it is a good drug but I am sure you don't like being on it.
I hope you feel better soon. I am getting there. For some reason this “cold” has sapped my energy. I think I am better and then I am not.
About people commenting on our looks. I know what you are saying. What exactly are they trying to accomplish?
I have not cooked spaghetti squash in some time. I didn't realize how hard the shell is. I wonder if you can cook it whole and then cut it. It was tasty though when it was done.
the guy is still out there with his noise machine. I think I might have a panic attack. Go bezerk, running out of my house screaming “turn that F…….. thing off. AAAAHHHHH.

Re: writing mala

figure maybe I should write something today the 28th of october. Only a couple days left of this month. I am sweating. I am drinking hot milk with ginger cardamon and turmeric. I read about it in this book I just got that I ordered about ayurvedic home remedies. it is supposed to help sleep. it doesn't taste too bad. I just poured in the herbs without measuring because I wasn't too sure about the amounts and I was kind of heavy handed with the ginger. I added some honey. It is making me sweat. I have had this cold thing you know and I have been waking up at night sweaty. I have had night sweats before, on and off in the past ten years. I am getting up there in age so it might be that but maybe it is just this weird cold that won't let go. I am sweating right now. I don't mind being sweaty. I tend to smell when I sweat, specifically my right under arm. The other one does not smell. I think that is odd. There is also a  smell when I am afraid or under pressure. I think it is from fear actually.
I was reading about my body type. I think I am mostly vata. They don't sound very attractive. beady eyes dry skin and bad teeth. I am not sure I am all of that so maybe I have some other stuff mixed in. hopefully. says my body type depends on the body type of my parents and how balanced they were when they had sex to have me and the weather at the time and what they had eaten. A lot of variables there and pretty strange too.
I think I believe in it though to a certain extent anyway. Have to take everything with a grain of salt or you will drive yourself insane.
today was a nice day pretty much because I worked hard on my state of mind to keep it that way. I think that must be a moment to moment struggle.
my stomach is sticking out slightly down there under my yellow shirt. It tends to stick out a little. a puffy thing.  I don't mind it so much as long as my pants fit me. I hate when they are too tight.
I have long underwear on. It is rainy and cold today. the streets looked messy with all of the wet leaves all over the place. needs a good cleaning. some leaves still hanging on. I could do with a sunny day.
hmmm. I am getting a little sick of this milk.  I only have whole milk. I don't usually drink milk and only have whole for my tea in the morning. probably should not get in of the habit of drinking whole milk every night. and then some say you should not drink too much dairy especially at night and also if you  have a cold. I need the dairy for calcium though. Don't get too much calcium in my diet. I take a supplement.
way too much to think about. I got my hair cut today and I am feeling much lighter. I hate the way I look at the hair salon with wet hair. The lighting is always bad in there and I look sallow. They should put in some low lights. make us feel better. Maybe no one looks good with wet hair except for young people they look okay. I think I used to probably.
one of these day I will stop caring about that. I am working on it don't worry. 

Re: writing mala

I usually bake my squash whole and then open it up and scoop it out. I place it in a big roasting pan in water, and let it cook until it's soft. Tonight I am making gingered butternut squash with apples. We'll see how it turns out.

This was supposed to post up above, by the way. Don't know why it didn't work.

Re: writing mala

I think I will try that next time. Cutting it is too hard!!!!!
I love butternut too.

Re: writing mala

this will most likely be my last day here for awhile. I thought I would stop in for a last write before tomorrow starts.
It is breezy out but warm. I am sitting in harry's room. The sun is bright coming through the window and is putting light on the floor. Poly is stretched out on harry's bed with his head on the blanket at the end. He is head is in the sun light. The maple tree is blowing in the wind and the leaves that are still on it are making that rustling sound. There are kids playing in the street. I hear their laughs and screams. it is very windy. I can hear the wind. the pine trees across the way are bending this and that.
I hear a chain saw somewhere.
a plane.  windchimes.
the sun is warm on me. I am chilled though. my clothes still damp from my run and yoga earlier today. Too lazy to change. need to take a hot bath and then I want to take poly for walk. I have no candy for tonight.
I want to buy a  notebook to jot things down that I read or think of.
I have to start writing tomorrow. I have no idea what is going to come out. I am nervous about it. Not sure I can do it this time.
I need to clean out one drawer really well. just one drawer.
The wind again is blowing I can hear it behind me.
my head is aching slightly. too much fun last night.
you yes I say no you say goodbye and I say hello