Assignment - what you don't want to write about ~ the next one

I don't want to talk about this

you can't ignore the way we feel when we look into eachothers eyes

that's got nothing to do with how I want to live my life. It's pointless to feel into these senses thinking it will last. I have walked this road before and I don't see the point of travelling it again. I have my children, I have everything I need.

No you don't. For one second do you think I believe you believe that. You know what I mean. Life is meant to be shared and enjoyed. We are here sharing and enjoying it together. We both want to be closer. We both crave intimacy and clearly we both feel this incredible attraction.

I won't be seduced by your words or your pheromones. Back off. Just back right off. I think I deserve some space to breath. Some space to be myself. Some space to be by myself. For gods sake. For my sake. Just let me have myself. For once. For now. I can have all of me. There is no push or pull to do anything and be any where. I have myself. I never asked for this cocktail of chemicals. I never asked for this to happen. I was perfectly happy just as it was. Why couldn't just keep silent and keep distant.

Haven't you noticed the blush on your cheeks when you look me in the eyes? Your eyes drag me into a place that is amazing. Like I am transported into a world away from this away from time. As if I have always known you. How can I be silent about that? The look on your face changes when you look at me. Didn you know that? Did you notice that? Its like everything you where thinking about melts away and suddenly there on your face is the most amazing angel I have ever seen. She leaps into my heart and soul like a butterfly, lightly playing and tugging at me to be an angel too. How can I ignore that? How can I possibly live and breath in this life and not be changed by that?

No one has ever spoken to me like that before. Everything in me wants to believe that its not possible, believing what you say is like believing in fairy tales.

There's nothing wrong with believing in fairy tales. Your not responsible for the people that don't. And if anything, they need you to believe in fairy tales more then you know. When you believe in fairy tales you give them hope. Even when they are cursing it all as folly. There is nothing foolish about showing how you feel and enjoying it.

It felt foolish when it all fell apart and slammed me into the concrete like a broken harp.

That's what repair men are for. I know just how to rewire harp strings.

Then what?

That's when I become a musician and play.

Re: Assignment - what you don't want to write about ~ the next on

Azyh, it was really weird because when I was reading this, I could so clearly tell that it was two people talking, but in the back of my head, I kept thinking this is the I-character “thinking” this conversation, thinking the other characters thoughts, and I don't know why that came up for me. Maybe it is the honesty coming through from both perspectives. The “face it” perspective and the “I know, but I don't really want to” perspective. Then, the last lines, the harp exchange in a way lightens things up a little, but at the same time, the very last line That's when I become a musician and play makes me feel as though there is a danger in believing this character. Who wants to be “played”?

It was intriguing how many things crept up for me in reading this. And then gorgeous lines like:
Did you notice that? Its like everything you where thinking about melts away and suddenly there on your face is the most amazing angel I have ever seen. She leaps into my heart and soul like a butterfly, lightly playing and tugging at me to be an angel too. How can I ignore that?

Very lovely piece.

xo
Andrea

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mmm, yes just a lovely piece Azyh! It felt, what – I can't quite describe it, it's almost like listening to music. I had a similar experience to Andrea – it was clearly (?) two people talking, but it also seemed like an inner dialogue of one person. It's possible the two characters - if that is what they are - are not quite defined, differentiated. I'm not sure. In a way it 'shows' how people are when they are in love, a unit almost, feeling, thinking as if they are one person. I also felt a tinge of danger at the end, the That's when I become a musician and play - oh so attractive and yet, uh oh, I go. I resonated with the voice wanting space, space to breathe… and at the same time getting hooked by those chemicals. Beautifully described.

very nice work!
Sandra

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well, going to be the echo of Sandra and Andrea - beautiful, lovely, delicious piece. I really loved the last part:


That's what repair men are for. I know just how to rewire harp strings.

Then what?

That's when I become a musician and play.

I agree with Sandra, there is an element of danger, stepping outside of what is known, taking risks for love..

I also had no problem getting that it was two people talking together.. didn't phase me at all that there wasn't a 'clear' indication that it was… I could 'hear' the voices clearly - that's all that mattered… and it didn't matter to me whether it was an actual dialogue or an inner one or a melee of the two… I just felt I could accept what was being said no matter what the form.

really lovely work, I just wanted more.

xo
la

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Hi Azyh,

For a second there I thought it was my ex talking (the 'other' voice), but no, it lacks the same-old-same-old of his routine (and my response). Then it occurred to me it's more like I've finally got comfortable in my own skin and not in a rush to get into another relationship because I've always looked for relationships to complete me before. And understanding that and yet fearing or feeling reluctant to take the leap when someone new shows up who seems pretty complete in himself. The way the heart is torn. Will a new relationship take me away from my newfound relationship with my self? Is the new man all he seems to be? How can I know? But how can one ever know anything without having taken the leap?

Well, that's what it brought up for me. I liked the harp (heart) imagery—reminded me of a couple of songs I've always liked (Handy Man, Play Me). Had to get those going in the background while rereading… (don't tell my ex I'm still a romantic at heart, for gods sake!)

Some parts where the language particularly stood out for me:

She leaps into my heart and soul like a butterfly, lightly playing and tugging at me to be an angel too.

It felt foolish when it all fell apart and slammed me into the concrete like a broken harp.

Beautiful!

Ruth

Re: Assignment - what you don't want to write about ~ the next on

thank you Andrea Sandra la & Ruth

reading you all help me to feel some detachment. of all the things that float through my mind, this is the one conversation i never write out loud. it always makes me cry and my notebook screams at me to write it down. but i can't. or wouldn't. so i am glad I did.

thank you for the music Ruth :) I loved listening to these songs

Re: Assignment - what you don't want to write about ~ the next on

continued ..


I'm not your toy to play with. Just go find someone that wants to play.

I'm not interested in games. If I never touch you, if I never know the taste of your skin. I will live simply knowing that I breathed the same air as you and looked into your heart. Shared my story with you and listened to your voice vibrate a sweet tone on my soul. Knowing you stopped a moment to see me. Really see me. Look deep past the mirrors and masks and illusions and see the core that is me, so I can notice myself when I am feeling lost without you. The simple memory of you is enough to keep me close to god.

How can you know that this is just what I have been needing to hear? No one gets it. No one understands the intimacy I crave with just the honesty of words. Sometimes I wonder if I was born in the wrong century. Surely my desire for wordful art is stuck in some Shakespeare scrap paper. Words, diving deeply into the depths of who we are and why we are. Guiding me through every emotion like a  beacon, exploring and discovering. Uncovering everything hidden and out of mind.

I will go anywhere with you. Explore everything. Share my words.

I question if that will ever be enough. You seem to always want more.

I wont lie to you and say its not true. And I don't know if I can bear to be close and yet without permission to hold you. When holding you is all my body screams for. As if that and that alone could ever sustain me. Could ever promise to full fill the overwhelming desire to be vibrating in harmony with heaven itself. Can I stand to be so close to the brink and not leap into the love? Could I ever stand to turn my back from the sun and never face the rain? I don't know if I have the fortitude, all I can wonder is that I have to find the courage and say I will honour your choice.

I am the one who falters here. My stomach pulls at me and my heart aches. I spill my resolve to fall at the feet of god. I don't know if I can stand to resist every call in my skin to be held by the man that would not hold me should I choose it. How can I be so hardened? Was the fall of my marriage so brutal, so scaring, so disheartening that I would refuse myself the one thing I have always wished for? Would I refuse to be loved and held simply because once one man refused me? I put everything into that love. I put every part of me into that love. Why did it fail? What was it that turned it sour? Would I refuse to be loved simply because I refuse to be witness to again to its unraveling and death before my very eyes without the ability to  stop it to make it better or save it it? Would I deny love? Would I deny myself the experience of another relationship deteriorating before my eyes. Maybe I am just a person that has never seen what kinds of blooms love makes? All the love in my life has been under nourished and sickly. I fear I do not know how to keep it healthy and strong.

I'm not afraid to keep learning better. God knows we have all known what it's like to see the love we nourish become sickly. I wont be deterred by endings. I kiss them good night, and I wait for a new day.

Is this the new day then? You are so sweet. I can tell. You would be soft and sweet and with unexpected resolve.

I am not sure if this is the new day. I still see stars. Maybe the sky is beginning to fade.

I am too light headed to look. I feel like I am floating anyway. I always feel like I have broken free of my skin when I am close to you. As if my stubborn body could ever keep me from you.

Re: Assignment - what you don't want to write about ~ the next on

This is great, that you continued the conversation. One thing I noticed is that at some point this feels like jumping to another level, like the two participants or the two parts of the I are getting closer to a resolution of their differences. And to me it seems more obvious now that the differences are illusional, based on fear and an inability or reluctance to trust because of things that happened in the past, on the one side, and on the other, perhaps, a fear of not being able to entirely control animal nature? Because sometimes immediate needs and desires can override promises and thoughts of the other's welfare. But no promises really are made here, and I like that very much. Life, relationships are about exploring and seeing where something takes one. And getting comfortable in one's own skin (I'm thinking now of the first part, the beginning of this thread) is important, but the testing ground for what we learn in the inner, is in the outer (to me it seems that way).

I love everything about this piece, but in particular:

I wont be deterred by endings. I kiss them good night, and I wait for a new day.

Towards the end I noticed there were bits of the dialogue where I wasn't entirely sure who (or which part of the I) was speaking, and that to me spoke of a narrowing of the gap between opposing sides or viewpoints, a coming to oneness of what seemed separate and different. Really, very skilfully done.

Thanks.

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“When you believe in fairy tales you give them hope.”

  This is a great dive, I like the line above, because of the truth in it, that fairy tales give people hope, they do. Story is  very powerful and can have healing and transformitive effects on people. The american indians use storys for healing.
                      Peter
  .

Re: Assignment - what you don't want to write about ~ the next on

Dear Azyh,

It seems to me that these two characters are compartments of the “I” character's own being and although apparently separate, only two sides of a polarity, both seeking union.  It is ultimately beyond the male/female union, although cloaked in that metaphor. 

One could say that only ego, pride, lack of transparency, doubt, past bitterness and common human weakness stand in the way.  In other words,  the normal  humanlife of homo sapiens sapiens at this point in our evolution, which is only a very partial understanding of what is.

The dissociation between the two polarities becomes more and more reconciled the deeper you dive into those two sessions of 20 minutes.

 It starts out in protective egoism in part 1 but the “us” and “other” let go to some extent and start to  melt into music.  In part 2 the depth of this emerging reconciliation continues but more pragmatically. 

By writing that which you don't want to write about, an unexpected interconnectivity is being established within you that is not just momentary but permanent.  It is an AHA.  Not just for you but for the readers also.  Thanks.

This is so incredibly honest, Azyh, and written with great courage… and you did it in approximately 2 sessions of 20 minutes each?  WOW.  It is really a prime living example of what diving deeper is truly about, in my view. 

What an inspiration to me this is!  I know everyone here was greatly moved and I agree with everything each one of our sisters here have to say and our brother Peter also.

Yet, it is mysterious in that these spontaneous processes are not easily put into linear format – unless (apparently) they are done so in a very spontaneous manner and thus avoid all self-censorship.  The metaphores that could be used poetically here would make this particular piece less communicable and more obscure.  This is best communicated as a story/dialog in horizontal time without too much metaphorical dimensional overlay, which you did, expertly I might say. 

The improvisational manner of the exercise was a great help for this.  No editing.  Great.  Just… bllaaaah.   There it is.  LIke a Zen brush stroke flyin' white.   That which is not said is equally important with what is said.   This is what jazz improvisation is all about.   The oldtimers use to say, “tell yer story man.”

(sorry for waxing scientific- philosophical in the next few paragraphs.. but … your fine writing brought it up in my mind)

There is a very… universal and  mysterious process taking place here which could be called a direct manifestation of the sub-quantum kenetic. <= a term coined by physicist Peter La Violette.

It is my opinion that through this type of exercise, and other similar spontaneous exercises, the powerful emotions and cognitive memories produced within the (very courageous) writer help create the proper pschyo-physiological state  to energetically boost the approximately 3-6 trillion bodily cells to maximum electrical capacitance, allowing them to act as perfect “vacuum sinks” and infuse the bioform with what Willhelm Reich called the “orgone.”  Life energy.  Healing energy.  That's why you tingle and make others tingle also when they partake of such powerful work that ultimately uplifts the soul rather than dampens it.

Listening to fine music does the same.

You don't have to understand what I just said except, thank you. (I'm not sure I do either.)  :O)

The more primal energy is interchanged  between the two voices the more courage and insight emerges in both.  

Sometimes I think this is what the entire Creation is really all about.   (The “ministry” of both Gutama and the Christ is the “ministry of reconcilliation.  No more “us” and “them” or “self” and “other.”  No more Mannechean warfare.)  

The true Self finally becomes known by its signature of Oneness.  By exercising yourself in this action you are teaching yourself consciousness expansion at the DNA level!    You could call it “Divine Interconnectivity.”

This didn't just happen overnight but certainly shows the creative fruit of such self-inquiry and contemplative assimilation of personal experiences – no matter what specific processes might have released it and brought it about (manifested it).  That varies from person to person.  We are all unique in that.  There is no “one size fits all.”   Some gain this level of insight through meditation and prayer, others through visual art, others through music and on and on.   Some through physical participation in sports, yoga, swimming. 

 It can literally be anything.  In my wife's case, it was through physical torture as a child – not recommended.  Yoga and meditation is far better and without the PTSD side-effects.   :O)

In your case, it is obvious that the communication of language has very much to do with it and you are no novice.  The Great Bard smiled on this one.  Me too.  :O)

Will the “I' person ever find the level of intimacy desired?  No.  Why?  Because it is infinite.   The seeking is eternal process.  So is the finding.  Neither is static but in continual flux.  Initial Romance never lasts but it doesn't have to.  There is constant interchange occurring between your bioform and the seething orgone. Here at this creative nexus, it  becomes CONSCIOUS. 

That must be why the Bodhisatva refuses to merge with the All One until every other being in Creation is ready to do so likewise.   If even ONE is left behind, the Bodisatva continues to reincarnate to caretake and communicate that Dharma which is non-communicable on the physical plane. 

When all desire ceases, as in Buddhist thought, there still remains this basic primal Universal DRIVE for the transcendent oneness of ultimate intimacy.  It is not optional but built into every quanta and sub-quanta that manifests itself as the Great Creation.

It is the steam engine of all Creation, transformation and evolution.

I think what I appreciate most about this extraordinary work, Azyh is the bouyant uplifting it brings.  I strive for that in my own writing but this piece here is in no way contrived.  It just… happens naturally and spontaneously. 

As the Zen master once said to his class of novices, “Now… you are all already perfect… but… you could all use some improvement.”

Namaste,

Rob

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my goodness Rob, i feel like i got tingles just reading your reply! thank you so so so so much for going into this detail and showing me why you say thank you. the details you go into all clearly explain a process that i didn't know had explanation! I really could sit at your feet and keep listening. I feel like there is a camp fire here and cookies :)

Reading your explanation of 'vacuum sinks' made me think about the information field and how that connects through the white sinew that covers muscle tissue and is used in energy healing as well 'travel'. i also thought of a book i read called biology of belief .  i am sure all of this feeds into the now moment when typing freefall. I never knew that 'tingles' was a field of study! all i knew was that i feel them as a confirmation of spirit, like a muscle test.

this was one of them moments where i think the emotions where too close and deep for me to really appreciate what was unfurling in this conversation. I do alot of 'thinking' to understand the details of things, and i know i over think it. but all in all i am grateful for the understandings that i can share. though this one was feeding through on an unconscious level and has been wanting to for a while now.

reading back over it now it has been a few days, i can begin to see it in new perspectives. and it is becoming interesting to me as a writer and thinking about possibilities as a play.

Ruth, I love how you put it in your comment about jumping a level and no promises being made. I liked that too.

Peter, if there is one thing that i say repeated over and over to my girls and others… it is “sharing your story is the most important gift we can give each other” and I share mine when it seems like it would help to bring understanding.

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Dear Azyh

“Information field?” – “Bilogy of Belief?”  – you know exactly what I am talking about.  Indeed, some of us have found that it is very possible to heal your physical and energetic bodies with “cell talk.”  Yes, it works.  Very easy.  You already do it but only need to send the right messages and cancel the ones which are  confusing and inappropriate.  That's the challenge, eh?

So, you not only know about these things but grok them?   I suspected  such.  That's why it emerged from me in the first place.  Somehow, I knew you would get it.

This specific information has not yet reached the educational systems, since all “scientific” textbooks must now be rewritten.

I continued this message but it became a lengthy  essay, so I posted it up on my blog for all to see.

CLICK HERE

Namaste,

Rob