Cloudy with a Chance of Thunderstorms (excerpts)

Today, I let myself go into that place where I am most comfortable in writing.  It comes like what I would perceive to be channeling but it is coming from my own self, a deeper self.  It comes like guidance.  This is only lightly edited for comprehension.

Because it is less “personal” than a lot of the content that I'm not really ready to share (but to expose myself a bit - publicly - by putting my writing “out there”), I am posting today's work.  Please do not feel obligated to read it.  It is approximately 2,000 words.  I am doing it, just to get used to that feeling.  It will not bother me if you feel like commenting, it will not bother me if you do not.  It isn't here for comments but that doesn't mean they would not be welcomed.

So, holding my breath and keeping fear at bay, here goes -

Anger is resistance to what is, to reality.  Anger is the frustrated child in me that wants something and feels it is being withheld from them.  By growing “up”, I can integrate to an intentional and conscious surrender to life.  The anger will subside because I’m not fighting with what my life is anymore.  One can see that something is not as beneficial as it could be and take steps to change that situation, to shift that situation, so that it can more closely resembles what the ideal vision is, without being angry about it.  Anger is victimhood.  It is saying I am not in control, either of myself or of what is happening around me.  Of course, I’m not in “control” of what is happening around me.  It is ridiculous to believe that I could be.  It is a big world, I am a tiny bit of individualization in that world.  The world has so many other individualizations, waves and currents and winds blowing through it, on the macro scale; that I am neither meant to control it nor do I initiate any of that aspect of my experience at being “alive”.  My only role in that macro aspect is my response to it and I am always free to respond to it in a way of my choosing.  I “should” be in control of myself.  The reality is, sometimes I am not.

If I do not feel that I am “choosing” the way in which I am responding to the situation, then I truly am out of control.  I am out of control regarding my responses, the only aspect of my being that I can control.  When this awareness first begins to come through, to emerge within my conscious thought, it may be that all I am really skilled enough to do, is to observe what is happening.  For we are all skilled at that, it is how we go from infancy, to childhood to maturity.  At this stage of awareness, it is possible to become aware that there is a witness or observer within each of us that is not our physical body, is not our judging mind, is not our experiences of living a life.  It is capable of simply looking around, watching life unfold in the moment, being in the NOW, moving through the time / space of this Earthly life that we each are allotted, without doing anything more about it, than to see it happen, to feel the sun and wind and notice the colors and the emotional outbursts of others around us, even to notice how our own individual self behaves in the heat of an emotion.

This is not a skilled activity, though it is useful as an activity.  One can notice, is the mind playing the same old song over and over again ? – either literally or figuratively.  One can notice fixations.  One can be in appreciation or awe.  One can be aware of the emotional body as separate from the mental reasoning.  The mind is the thinking aspect.  Some of this is trained and programmed and hardly “thinking” at all.  It is societal and cultural and of its “time” period.  Religion goes into this definition of mind as well.

There is a deeper mind.  It is intuitive, it is where insight and inspiration emerge from.  It is not trained but it has access to all of the knowledge of any human that has ever lived.  Any event that has ever occurred, any “higher” learning or education that has been developed within a human consciousness, is stored in this accessible “place” for all time and always.  Some, when they connect to this faculty, believe they have found God or some Ascended Master or evolved Being but no, this is still an aspect of the functioning of the mind, in the individualized self.  Yet, it is very, very helpful in the productive and fruitful living of any individual life.

What is it that observes?  What is it that watches without judgment?  What is it that knows where the trajectory we are on now is headed?  Is there only one trajectory?  Are we in one world or many?  Can we shift from one layer to another without the outer aspects of our life appearing to change?, without our own self appearing to change?, except perhaps in temperament.  These are the kinds of questions that one who is on the spiritual path begins to ask of their own inner self.  In a sense, it is a “why am I here?” question.   But “why am I here?” almost connotes that we should not be, or that we would be happier elsewhere, and that would be to miss the whole point of reality.

So, once again, I attempt turn back to “the story” and allow it to come forth.  There will be time enough for the analyzing.  Actually, I think that was where I was attempting to go, as I was describing the functions of the mind.  Intuition can be a tricky aspect.  If one is wanting to “make it happen”, is trying to force it or push it through, one could find themselves in deep do-do.  I have been, and others who I have been witness to in their own struggles with such, have found that in trying to “arrive” by force, we misinterpret much.  There is no hurry.  In fact, hurry can make one “accept” the craziest notions and act upon them.

So, if your intuition is telling you – I must do this NOW – take a deep breath and resist.  No, the world is not going to end, you are not going to fail to advert some disaster, no one is going to be harmed or killed if you don’t act.  You are quite simply not THAT important.  Don’t be dejected.  You are important.  You are important to existence but your “actions” in this life should be light and easy.  They should be as non-threatening and non-serious as though you had been chosen to play a role.  Sometimes your conscious mind will not feel in tune with the role that is being asked of you to play.  Perhaps, you don’t really feel you will do a good job of playing that role but that you are the one chosen to do so, and you must play the part.  How will you know if that is so?  It will be obviously, the next logical step available to you to take.

So, you play it with all the best you have to give.  It is THAT important.  It is important that you show up fully, heart-fully even (if you can), and reluctantly, if you must.  Reluctantly, is perfectly okay.  You can play the role of a reluctant participant, a victim whose hand is forced in a direction not of their choosing, and be fully aware of that aspect.  And here I am circling around the subject again.  Well, some things are hard to put into conscious, thinking mind, terms.

Here is an important protection, if you desire to allow intuition to take a greater role in your life, from the bible - Philippians 4:8.  “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”  (New International Version c 1984)  This applies.   My granny repeated that verse to me verbally, when I was trying so hard to follow my intuitive guide and having huge difficulty in interpreting the messages that come through.

There can be signs and messages in every item and word and aspect of your life.  THESE ARE MEANT FOR YOU ALONE.  That is why another person will think you are crazy; if you tell him a bird just gave you a personal message.  And there are so many more “messages”, that we can pick up a signal from, in modern times, than were available to the more simple humans living in our ancestor's period.  The very air is filled with all manner of “content”, from all manner of sources – radio, tv, satellite, etc as well as from all the electrical impulses of thought that pass through any human brain which is physically active.

By taking the advice of Philippians, you can save yourself much trouble and grief.  If your “messages”, from wherever you believe they are coming, tell you to kill someone or do some obviously crazy action, because something terrible will happen that only you can prevent, therefore you MUST do this – then, be highly suspicious and do not act upon it immediately.  The truth IS, that if the Divine really NEEDS you to do anything and at this point in my own life, I’ve come to doubt that kind of urgency – always; but if the Divine really needs you to do something, you will not be able to prevent it from happening.  So, you have the luxury of taking your time about getting a round to - It.

The importance of this advice is that the human mind, being poorly programmed as it is by violence and other human risks and vulnerabilities – by our stories (real or imagined), by our media (real life or fiction) and by our actions and the interpretations of those actions – is in a period of great danger.  Yet, by the simple conscious insistence, that these qualities – truth (which can be subjective “x is mad at me” or objective “the sun came up this morning”), nobility (morals, ethics, courage, generosity, dignified), right action (instinctively “right” as in not hurting another person unless in self-defense), purity (absence of inappropriate qualities, being of the core essence, not diluted or mixed with eternal influences), lovely (eliciting a feeling of love or inspiration upon the beholding of) or admirable (worthy of general approval by others) are represented in the thought or action contemplated; is a very good guideline to judge - whether the “insight” is worth paying attention to or the “request” to take a particular action is worth considering.

If you feel you should or must do something, and it violates such ideals and concepts, better to let it go and ripen.  If it is important, it will return modified.  It is always possible also to negotiate such.  Consider what it is that is bothering you about it and “negotiate” that aspect out of consideration.  Free choice is REAL.  You are not coerced by anyone to do anything.  You ALWAYS have a choice.  If your life is in jeopardy, you have the choice to submit or fight, whatever your instincts guide you is the best path for survival, if you wish to continue living.  One can also forfeit their life for a “larger” cause.  Such is also a choice.  One can be tired of living and decide it is of no use to continue on.  That is another choice.  There are only choices, and the paths those choices take us upon, the outcomes of which are the trajectory of that choice. 

The still small voice, once you are able to be aware that it is there, with such love of you that “It” would never ask anything harmful or awful of you, will give you much confidence and a genuine sense of security in living out the journey that your life is taking you upon.  We each have many such journeys but the nature of our physical lives is such; that we can only be certain of this one in which our awareness is currently focused.  We can have “experiences”, “dreams” and “intuitions” about other such journeys, which are remembered within our core essence, that the complete Self of our soul has taken.  But they are in theory only, to the conscious mind which lives this life.  They are also inconsequential except, that the lessons, we may have possibly gained in such experiences, when they can be recalled; may speed up or ease the learning curves we encounter, in the life of which we are conscious now, in the physicality of that.

Re: Cloudy with a Chance of Thunderstorms (excerpts)

I liked reading this, Deb. It was clear, interesting, and often unusual, in terms of approach and description. I just loved: So, if your intuition is telling you – I must do this NOW – take a deep breath and resist.  No, the world is not going to end, you are not going to fail to advert some disaster, no one is going to be harmed or killed if you don’t act.  You are quite simply not THAT important.  Don’t be dejected.  You are important.

Part of me wanted to dive in and have a nice long chat about some of the ideas and thoughts, but I'll leave that for December maybe! (for example… I personally am not so sure we do have as much choice as we think we do, at least not conscious choice… ) Mostly, and far more importantly, I just wanted to say it's beautifully written and I could see myself picking up a book with your name on it….

Re: Cloudy with a Chance of Thunderstorms (excerpts)

Thanks, Sandra, for taking the time.  Yes, a chat in December would be helpful, as I do sincerely hope someday that I can gift you with that published book and you will want to spend time reading it.

In appreciation,
Deb

Re: Cloudy with a Chance of Thunderstorms (excerpts)

Oh, so well written.  There really are too many deep thoughts to get into during Nano time (lest I become even more distracted than I already am today) but I wanted to jot a quick note to let you know that I read it
Next time, no preface telling people that we don't have to read it, k?  That's a given.
Thank you for being so courageous and posting.  That wasn't so hard, was it?  Happy Writing!  xo, Ayla 

Re: Cloudy with a Chance of Thunderstorms (excerpts)

I was pretty sure that the “farm” in SE Missouri would collapse.  I was not happy there.  I felt trapped.  I rarely left my room.  We had “jam sessions” that I enjoyed well enough, when “friends” would visit and everyone would make music but my relationship with the old lady was so bad, I feared to “run into” her anywhere in the house and so, I chose my times for the bathroom and kitchen, to coincide with the times when she was sleeping.  I did get out to go grocery shopping and to attend an exercise class in the very small town closest to us.  The class was a blessing as it made life feel more normal.

Once when we were having a jam session, I went to the bathroom, and when I returned, I caught my lover kissing the only other girl in the room.  In a sense, it was the last straw, as I found the experience humiliating and it definite destroyed any integrity that the relationship had left by this point.  I began to secretly save money.  I would do the best possible job that I could at saving money, when I bought groceries.  Only taking a reasonable amount of the communal funds and then, putting aside any savings I could accomplish.  By that means, I saved up $500, by the time I felt I simply must go or I would be caught there, when the collapse did come.

I needed to wash clothes.  I put my own clothes, a suitcase and the typewriter into the bedding to hide it and loaded the car to go to the much larger town a bit further away.  It was also where a commuter airport was located.  I even saw one of our friends at the laundry but he did not seem to be suspicious of what I was doing.  Still, it made me nervous that I would not escape. 

When the laundry was done, I separated my things from the family’s things and headed for the airport.  It was perhaps an 8 passenger plane.  I had never flown in such before.  I locked the car with the keys in it.  I knew my partner had another set of keys.  Certainly, the car was in my name but I didn’t feel that would cause any problem for them.  It was the only car the whole family had, and they needed it more than I did; and anyway, I wanted to be as ethical about leaving, as I could be.

I landed in St Louis, and as I had no definite destination; I put my things in a locker and then, walked in the direction of the motel signs.  I rented a room at the Motel 6 nearby.  I felt such a relief to be gone and I did call my partner and tell him that I had left, and that the car was at the airport, in the town near to where they were living.  The next day, I took a taxi to get my belongings stowed in the locker at the airport.

I could not believe how much it cost me to travel by taxi, the short distance, to the airport and back.  My money would not last very long at that rate.  The motel, as inexpensive as it was (no TV unless one paid to unlock it, no phone in the room), was burning through my limited funds at a high rate of speed.  For weeks, before I left, I had read through the want ads for employment, in the St Louis Sunday paper.  There were so  many of them, pages of them really, that I believed - that if I could not find a job there, I was not employable, and I knew I had accounting skills and trucking related skills and so, I was certain employment would be found.

First, though, I simply enjoyed being so very free again.  I was totally in charge of my life, totally responsible.  There was no one else I could blame, if things went bad.  I somehow believed, that they would work out in my favor.  I could feel the newness and possibilities inherent in starting my life all over again, in a city where no one knew me.  I felt so free, and there was a new strength in my confidence, at having taken control of my life again. I walked to the fast food restaurant nearby and bought frugally.  Still, the food tasted so very good, hot and nutritious.  I was on foot and it was raining a lot and so, I found out where the closest department store was and walked there, to buy an umbrella.  It was obvious that being on foot meant I needed to have an umbrella to keep dry.  It was still spring and not that warm out.

I don’t remember where I met “the couple” or even what their names were now.  But they were renting a motel room, near a shopping center not far from where I had been staying.  They offered to share their room with me, to allow me to have the second bed in the one room space.  It was an offer I could not refuse to accept, as the minimal funds I had arrived with, were growing alarmingly small.  It was not a comfortable situation.  I called my parents reluctantly.  They now knew, I had made a break for it and was in St Louis.  They sent me $100 by Western Union, to help me survive, but made it clear that they would be hard pressed to do much more, in the way of money, for me.  I truly was “on my own”.

I did not have waitressing experience; with which, to get a job in a restaurant.  In fact, I had once tried to get such a job in the city of my birth and could never get hired.  However, I was familiar with bars and I thought, “how hard could it be, to haul drinks to tables, in a bar?’.  Working as a waitress would give me immediate money to eat on, in the form of tips.  The first place I went, to look for such a job, was a Country-Western Bar.  It was the bar that was closest geographically, to the motel where I was staying.  Perhaps, ”the couple” told me about it - or perhaps, it was just the magical good luck, of taking my own future and destiny back into my own hands.  Certainly, my guardian angels were about, helping and protecting me.

I heard that a rock concert would be taking place soon and it was a group that I wanted to hear.  So, I hopped on a city bus, to travel in the direction of the facility where it would occur, to purchase a ticket.  I had a map of the city but it wasn’t current.  The name of the road the bus was traveling down, changed and became Martin Luther King, quite suddenly.  The neighborhood changed as well, as I neared my departure destination.  Once I had oriented myself, that I was still headed in the right direction, I barely watched the declining character of the buildings around me.  I got off of the bus, at the corner of Kingshighway and Martin Luther King.  I did not feel at all comfortable about being there.

I began to pray, for it was clear that the predominant racial make-up of the area did not match my skin color.  Not that I was a racist, per se.  I had grown up as a “weta”, a white girl, on the Mexican border.   I was used to being in the minority.  At least, I spoke the same language fluently, as those around me now.  Still, I prayed, “Dear Lord, if you get me out of this place unharmed, I will never come here alone, on foot, again.”  I safely arrived at the Arena to purchase my ticket.  I don’t remember now, how I got back “home” to the motel room.  Perhaps, I took a taxi, for I am certain I did not return by the way I had arrived.

Re: Cloudy with a Chance of Thunderstorms (excerpts)

Deb, I was interested in every little bit of this character's journey. There is so much material only in this excerpt, if you opened up all the scenes that are in here, you'd have enough material for a whole novel, maybe more! I really want to see it all, not so much in form of a narration of how things happened chronologically in this more roundup style, but all the details of this persons life. I have so many questions, they would probably be as long as the exerpt here.

Like. What is it exactly about the farm, who lives there (sounds like some kind of community), what are they about, who is the old lady, why are the “friends” in quotation marks? What about the boy friend? I want each and every detail of that kiss, who the woman was, how your character felt in detail, about the situation, about the other woman, about her boy friend. Everything! How she comes to the decision to leave, the time of day, the weather, the flight, and so on. I'm not sure whether that is what you want to be writing, but I sure would want to read it. Slower, much much slower, so slow I can see the eyes of the lover, whether they are open or closed when he kisses the other girl. Who else is there, how it smells, are they smoking something, drinking, how does the room look like, what are they wearing, which aera is this, are this the seventies, the eighties, what do they wear… and so on and on and on. Wonderful material to choose from and dive deeply into specific scene and sensuous detail.

Re: Cloudy with a Chance of Thunderstorms (excerpts)

Gabriele,

Yes, thank you.  Yes, this is the kind of direction my thoughts were going in, this morning.  My Osho tarot card (when I discarded the “outsider”) came up Slowing Down.  With the word count thing and limited time, I am just try to retrieve memories and get them down in writing.  Content.  Not necessarily good content.  Not in any kind of order or continuity.  Each day's subject or writing stands alone, at this point, connected only by my overall intent.

Hopefully, when the month is finished, I really will slow down.  I don't know how much will end up in the book - part autobiographical and even more important to me, as regards the emergence of spirituality within my life. 

Yesterday's excerpt could be viewed, not as the main character speaking, but as my guide, my higher self, coming through with “advice” that is relevant to some of the mis-steps upon the path.  I think it might be helpful (as I move forward in this work) to view this person as not myself, but as a character that I am fleshing out.  The memory is incomplete, in places.  Anyway, I am not against literary license being involved, when it is all said and done.  I look forward to getting into those “creative” voyages.

Anyway, Gabriele, I really, really appreciate the feedback.  I am certain to revisit it - in the coming months, perhaps years, as I work through what I have to share and to say, and turn that into a readable book.  Hopefully, what emerges, will be an even more interesting and compelling story, than is hinted at here. 

Therefore, I see that sharing these bits and pieces, from time to time (I certainly don't intend to do this daily but these are 2 extremes of what the content might include), will be beneficial to the process.  I see that this support, that can emerge for me within this group, as I work through the process is truly of value and to the benefit of the ultimate quality, regarding the finished work.

Definitely appreciative -
Deb

Re: Cloudy with a Chance of Thunderstorms (excerpts)

Debby,

I just wanted to let you know that I really liked the exerpts you chose to post. They seem so different and yet, both thorougly interesting and enjoyable reading. That biblical passage from Philippians really spoke to me, as did the part in the second one about winding up on the wrong side of town. I could really understand that because I live on that side of my town. I hope you will continue to post exerpts along the way.

xo
Andrea

Re: Cloudy with a Chance of Thunderstorms (excerpts)

Thank you, Andrea, for letting me know you were here.  The parts you mention liking are deeply part of my soul as landmarks looking back.

Deb

Re: Cloudy with a Chance of Thunderstorms (excerpts)

I am enjoying these excerpts you are sharing here Deby - a beautiful journey and I feel honoured to be reading. look forward to reading more!

Re: Cloudy with a Chance of Thunderstorms (excerpts)

Thanks for letting me know Leigh-Anne.  I am enjoying your vacation, I feel almost as though I'm there.

What a luxurious dream …

Deb