Magical November Blues #2

Continuation of Magical November Blues #1 here.

Week two of my Monthly Moderating in November, week two of NaNo writing, and week two of the Shamanic Forecast themes. Things are moving in a new direction.

November 8-14: A time of sifting through the rubble and the pieces of the old foundations and structures. This is a highly creative time of using the imagination and working with the quantum field. Be sure to remind yourself to face surprise with enthusiasm and excitement as if you were a child and believed that anything was possible. Anything is possible at this time. Don't get bogged down in worry and regret and obsessive thinking. Nothing is as it seems to the mind. Keep reminding yourself that the dream is changing and that your intellectual center is the last to know.

I feel a shift in my energy. A pull into the intuitive, kind of dreamlike mode. Would love to write and dive into whatever occurs today. Maybe I can create some quiet time later, inspite of my family being around.

I feel fragile, tender. A perceptive sensitivity which tends to make me feel overwhelmed. I wonder whether I can find a way to be in this space without the need to cut myself off from everything and everybody around me. Maybe I could include my family in ways I have not tried before rather then shutting them out?

Mandala from Colour Healing on Colors, wellness and beauty. The picture and the full text are here.

VIOLET
” A highly  spiritual energy which  aids meditation, intuition and psychic activities, vision, imagination, intuitiveness , healing, mystic, unify , enchantment,  inspiration , spiritual and healing, deep spiritual understanding, transformation, dignity, self-respect…

Violet signifies endings , illumination and rebirth.”

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I love the Shamanic Forecasts..   Thanks Gabriele.  I am a devote' of the Tarot and feel very drawn to these.  Lots of wisdom and, for me, it hits a cord within..  Reminds me of the Tower card in the tarot.  And Pluto in Capricorn.  
feeling the wisdom… “the dream is changing…”
xox jeanne/b

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Oh my dear G this part moved me closer to you…

… I wonder whether I can find a way to be in this space without the need to cut myself off from everything and everybody around me. Maybe I could include my family in ways I have not tried before rather then shutting them out?

A thought I've barely allowed myself to have lately, but I can feel it lurking close by even when I'm not listening to it. My sense of 'cut off' is noticeable, I think it ends up sounding like 'don't bother me' to my family.

I'm inspired by your willingness to explore this new way of being 'in this space' and 'with everything and everyone'   mmmmm, is that possible? I pray it is and join you in the quest to be there.

Blessings for that tender in us all

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Oh, Syn, thank you so much for saying this: this part moved me closer to you…

It's part of what I'm struggling with in my writing as much as in my interactions. Finding a way to write, share from the core of what is true. Simple and honest. The true self, as Brenda Ueland calls it. When I look with these tender eyes I can see that this is really all I long for. To be close. Connection. Don't we all? I'm moved. Thank you so much.

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Hello Jeanne, glad you found your way here. I worried whether my first post was a bit too 'insular' to be inviting… So glad you're well again!  :)

I wanted to add, just in case: this thread is for everyone. I like to see it as our living room couch, anything goes here. NaNos and NoNaNos, here's a place to hang out together, chat and share videos, pictures, personal stuff, tarot or whatever else you feel inspired to post when you come here and connect.

It's natural, I think, that traffic has quieted down considerably with many of us being involved in NaNoWriMo and sometimes hardly able to keep up with what is going  on over there.

I wouldn't be surprised if I were not the only one who experiences a shift of energy.

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what a beautiful mandala. It jumps out at me.

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If anyone figures out a way to involve family during the writing process, I would love to hear about it.  I know my family thinks that I don't want them to bother me because I come right out and say, “You're bothering me.”  Not that they care - ha! They just keep right on chatting away.
I hadn't thought to think that shutting everyone out might not be a good thing but now I'm wondering.  On the other hand, I'm theirs all year long, 24/7 so I'm not going to feel guilty about this. 
Great thoughts, great conversation.  xoxo

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Ayla, to make sure we're on the same page, I'm not looking to include my family durning my writing sessions. I need to be in a quiet space, on my own and that is clearly communicated and gracefully provided, as much as possible. Today they went out, have been gone for hours by now and left me here with exquisit peace and quiet to read more Brenda Ueland and do my writing.

But when they come back, my writing done, I look for how I can be part of our little family again, in the way I feel today, with all that is going on, feeling raw and sensitive and easily disturbed… that is when I tend to keep them away and keep myself cut off. That is the part where I look for a way to include myself in our little community by sharing instead of keeping it all to myself. How I feel, who I am in this moment, interacting and opening up my insular state by attaching it to the shore of my family, until my next solitary space.

(Pretty much pure freefall, this bit, I just got out of my writing session :)

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Thank you, Gabriele.  Well, thank goodness I don't have to include them in during my writing time, lol.  I'm bad about pulling into myself as well so I am going to chew on your words and emulate your efforts.  You're a pretty amazing woman, did you know that?

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lovely here, to read. Thanks Gabriele, for holding this space. I also loved the mandala. Feeling very sensitive myself, ill again too.

And this thing about including family, loved ones. I think it's a perennial question for writers. We need the absolute solitary-ness, and yet we also need others. I find it sometimes very hard to step out of my solitude, especially times like now, when I'm so absolutely focussed, and in fact alone for days at a stretch. Just had a visit from a friend, and I could feel myself cool and withdrawn, going through the motions, not 'available'. In truth he visited while I was mid-stream writing, but I expect I might have been the same had I been done.

I think it's an energetic thing. I know my dear David can 'feel' when I'm withdrawn. And I'm not talking about when I'm writing or even thinking when I'm writing. He just wants to be 'let in' energetically. I can't always do it, I can't always soften and let him in, but sometimes I can. Sometimes it just takes a simple movement, something seemingly not 'energetic', but just coming close, almost 'going through the motions' but sometimes doing this helps me soften.

I do find if I've had a 'good' day writing I'm more available, chatty, feeling I can let go for the rest of the day and do 'whatever'. If I'm struggling, it's harder.

I do think often it just takes a bit of 'will power' on my part. To go, ok, I need to step out of my writing world right now, and be with people, and although I might feel clunky and weird at first, after a while I relax and turn into the 'chatty friendly' part of myself.

I think it's only natural these shifts are difficult. I remember being in the theatre, how long it would take to adjust to the end of a show. Or just after a performance,  I was in another world, and it took a while to enter into the non-stage world.

Some of the difficulty around this, from others at least, is a bit of the 'oh you're just writing, it's not that important, not that real' thing. Hmm, I suppose we do this to ourselves too. But I know if I had gone off 'to work' and come back tired and a bit distracted, some people might give me a bit of a break, understanding it would take me a bit to adjust, but here I am seemingly at home, just pottering about etc, and some expect me to be 'the same' person all the time, available, chatty, 'with' etc.

In the end it is up to me to at least be aware of how I am, just as you have shared about yourself so beautifully, gg. I think awareness is what really helps the softening, the shift.

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Sandra, you say it perfectly here, the whole being let in energetically thing, the softening for inclusion, the absoluteness of the solitary space - I very much relate to all you said. Last night I was cranky and irritable after my writing session, could hardly bare to be with myself, leave alone anybody else. The only thing I wanted, and finally did, was go on working.

The best I can do, it seems, is to make that extra effort, if at all possible, going through the motions as you say, and in my case certainly being a bit more generous with sharing, very simply, what is going on. And I don't mean in terms of what I'm writing about. I don't feel that need at all outside of my writer's friends community. How blessed are we to have this abundance of support, sharing and feedback? Immeasurably.

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Another rainy, grey November morning, almost entirlely leached from the colors of autumn. Hard to believe our sunny walk in the forrest was only two days ago.

I edited one of the pics I took that day and realized something about the process. My camera makes some things look more blue-ish then they are, like pavement, cobble stones, rotting leaves… and I love it for that. I'm not interested so much in 100% realistic and accurate photography. Like in writing, I look for the little extra, something that can be seen and brought out only by me - the way I see things, the way colors speak to me. All I do is reinforcing something that's already there. I make it come out more, let it shine. I think this is what we all do in all creative endearvors, whatever they may be. 

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I absolutely *love* the collage gg.  Gorgeous!   I'm out of synch with all the notes from Nano, and it will probably takes me a couple days to catch up to it all.  Loving Poetjo's eraser, it's good to see you guys writing like madmen.

More later.

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GG I want that picture!  Poster sized!  It's really beautiful. 
I just read Sandra above and felt a little better about myself.  It's always good to know you aren't alone, isn't it?  My son came in last night all chatty for about the tenth time in one day.  I wasn't writing anymore but I didn't feel like talking either.  He kept saying “You hate me, don't you.”  He's 24 years old for heavens sake and still reacts to my quiet moods the same way he did when he was 5!  I kept telling him I loved him but I wasn't in the mood to talk, I actually even said “I hate talking.”  LOL - not sure where that came from.  And of course he didn't believe that because at times I'm ridiculously chatty, a really Chatty Kathy.  I even find myself getting pissed off when Brad calls.  He'll say “What are you doing?”  I'll say “I'm writing” and then he just goes off talking like I didn't even say I was writing.  He pouts too.  “Well, I guess I'll hang up.  You obviously don't want to talk.”  This is the man who encourages me to write, almost gets mad that I don't believe in myself enough to try harder with my writing. 
This thread and these conversations really helped me to understand that it isn't just “me.”  That I'm not a bad Mom, wife, Grammy, friend …I'm just a writer too! 
Thank you!  xo

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Mudge dude, missing your mug! Come back soon.

GG, fantastic collage, stunning colours, love it.

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If it makes anyone feel better, even my dogs try to stop me from writing. They come and push their way in between me and my laptop, and look at me with their big brown eyes. Of course, the St. Bernard has a more forward approach. He will sit on me like a lapdog to stop me. We all must know that St. Bernards are not lap dogs.

Once, my mom accused me of being an “alcoholic with my computer.” At first, I was like “What?” but then I understood, she meant addicted to my computer. She wants me to be a writer, even a successful one, but she also wants me to pay attention to her when she wants me to.

Gabriele, that blue in the leaves is so strikingly unusual. I have had cameras with idiosyncracies before, and I loved it, too. Once you know what your camera is going to do, you can really exploit that feature with your own artistic voice.

So, today I am going in for a small procedure. They are going to explore my upper digestive system, and I am sure it is a really simple thing, but I still feel a little nervous (no wonder after my last operation-gone-wrong.) The worst thing about it is that I ate dinner at 6 PM last night, and the procedure isn't until 12:00 noon. I think I shall be starving and thirsty!

And Sandra, I don't even find that people give me a break when I return home from my 6 1/2 hours of standing on my feet teaching. I have been noticing lately that many people are having trouble being empathetic around me. I wonder if that isn't something in the astrological forecast for these times. I see so very few instances out in the real world where people actually stop and take time to consider another person's feelings or motivations.

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Gabriele.. wow. That collage/image is stunning. You should enter it in somewhere..

All I do is reinforcing something that's already there. I make it come out more, let it shine. I think this is what we all do in all creative endearvors, whatever they may be.

Beautifully said. Yes. I seem to remember someone literary talking about this, or maybe it was even Barbara, my freefall teacher, about how we, as writer's, do need to make things larger than life, not caricatures, but exactly how you describe here.

Ayla, oh you make me laugh. I love your description! I Love your son! I love your husband!! I love YOU!

Andrea. I'm thinking of you… god. Procedures. I had a dream about this recently, I think. Crossing all fingers and thumbs I've never had to have one. I'm not sure I could handle it. Sending so much love your way.  The empathetic thing. Yes, you know, I think you're right. Dear hubby telephoned me last night. When he got to asking me how I was, hmm, he didn't ask, I told him, i.e. sick again, he sort of went on a bit about something else, and then backtracked and, bless him, tried to say something comforting but I could tell it was a stretch. Anyway, I'm sick so often I know he get's bored of it, but nearly always he manages to sound convincingly sympathetic. Not last night!


I realise I've hardly gotten outside at all. I meant to, today, but now it's dark and drizzling. Not that there's much to go out too. I can go up the road a stretch, to the horrible mad snappy fox terrier (sorry, I do love dogs, just not ones that go for my ankles), or up the other road to the main road past the nasty farmer, or up the third road to a gate, or up the fourth road to another yappy snappy dog.

Instead I gaze out my kitchen window where I've put a bird feeder. I love watching them, they are so funny and cute, checking, pecking, checking, pecking a bit more, checking, their teeny heads twisting this way and that, peck peck, check check, ooh fly away fly away, come back, peck peck, check, peck peck…

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First things first. It's a photograph, the LeavesBlues. I was wondering where the confusion came from until I saw that I forgot to change that part of the headline. Hahah. Silly me.  ;)  I love it very much too. Love to play with colors.

Sandra, love birds too. We get a lot of visitors outside our window because out flat is under the roof and some have their nests up here. I have come to love them even more since I have discovered how they change the atmosphere of collages… interesting little creatures. There is an excellent Britsh crime story writer who created a wonderful detective. He's a bird watcher, lives by the water. I love the descriptive parts and all the details around this in his books. Otherwise they are dark, painfully realistic and very well written. Graham Hurley. The character is DI Joe Faraday.

Andrea, not sure about the timing but you might be in for your procedere about right now. Sending some extra love!

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Even the birds annoy me.  We have a huge wood pecker out there and he just peck (bang) peck (bang) pecks (bangs) on the pole barn all day long.  Drives me nuts.

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Lovely photo, Gabriele, another one to add to your collection.

Andrea, thinking of you and hoping the procedure goes well.

Sandra, there are days when I mean to get out and don't get out. And watch the world go by from my window as I sit at the computer. Not too many birds now, at this time of year, especially since they chopped down all except the pear tree from the yard.

Ayla, I'm with you on the birds, since the birds that are seen and heard this time of year in my yard tend to be crows. They do go on, don't they?

Leaves are more on the ground now than on the trees, wider open spaces, but I miss the greenness, the lushness (well, lawns at least are green now, but it's not the same). Along the street I look out on there are lots of evergreens to take one's mind off the brownness of barren branches. And I say that, but there's a beauty in the leafless trees too.

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I need something light now. I've done my writing even though I had no idea where to take it from. I did some laundry first, cooked apple puree out of some apples from our garden, an old kind you don't get to buy anymore. Started writign while it was still cooking, the smell providing material for a descriptive beginning. Now I want to have some fun. Dark day. I need to go out later to bring gym clothes and her by to  DarlingGirl. That is good, it forces me to go out and move, do my walk.

My energy is low. Oh, I might need food!  :) Ayla, you mentioned this too, some days ago, when I write I forget about food completely. Even if I haven't eaten in a long while there is no hunger and it will not make itself felt for some time after I've finished. Well, that's it. Gotta go and eat something, then out, airing my foggy brains.

Here's something very light and fun. Another one of Craig Ferguson's funny lip sync songs with puppets. Switches my tortured brain waves on a different channel instantly.

HEY, I love you!  ;)

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Ha ha, that was silly fun GG. I love the shark puppets.  Reminded me of old, old Saturday Night Live where the this big shark puppet tried to trick people into opening their door (and then he would eat them of course) - my favorite line was - ding dong (doorbell) - who's there? - Candy Gram …oh I guess you had to be there, he said it funny.  I still say it sometimes and get confused looks from my children. 
I've dropped five pounds since Nano started.  I quite love it.  And you too.

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great vid, gg!
 Andrew sent me this one, which is quite cute (or really weird??!)

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phew, this is just what I needed here tonight. I am looking for inspiration *ahem* well yes procrastinating. I watched a handful of Lady GaGa videos - no idea why I like her, not usually my kind of music but she is wild and I love that. especially liked 'Bad Romance” … then I played THE game and came up with a new band name. I am off to write now, then sleep.

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Leigh-Anne, I don't get Lady Gaga, though I do LOVE her name. What a fabuous album cover you got! This actually looks like one of your heroines, it's strangely fitting to aspects of your writing, don't you think?

Oh God, Sandra, that's one creepy bird! More on the weird side, I'd say… but the kitten is cute!

Me? I feel pretty blocked, creatively. No collage, second day in a row. Birth pains of my new novel beginning and not much else. Picked one of my photographs and try and do at least one thing simply fun today, worked on it to make it more interesting because I found it rather boring. A lot of things that don't work in the way I took it. I manipulated the crap out of it. Now I like it. Am I weird? I'll give you a before and after so you can witness how I went crazy with it.

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Hmm, looks a bit Christmasy, the second one, I'm half expecting Santa to come tumbling down the chimney, although that is probably a piece of wall and not a chimney at all. I like it a lot—and doesn't the first one just look so drab next to it?!

I love hollyhocks.

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Hey! When did you sneak that third one in there? You made me laugh (which can only be a good thing, I think that was the first time I laughed today). Do hollyhocks come in green? They do now!

Oh, and I love the rose-coloured window glass. (Ok, ok, I get the hint, I'm off to look for my rose spectacles now…)

Thanks, gg!

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Hello Ruth, I love hollyhocks too! Wonderful flowers. In Germany we call them Stockrosen. It doesn't sound that good in English (stave roses?), but I think your German is good enough?

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Yes, actually that's what we called them too, when I was a child, only with a short diphthong on the 'o' of 'rosen' (sort of like 'ou' in 'house', Canadian pronunciation).

I have school and university German, but nowadays I have to look up a lot of words when I'm reading it. And lord help me if I ever have to speak it. :)

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Ruth, you're right. The middle one would make a fabulous christmas card! Now there's a thought… yes, the first one does look drab in comparison, doesn't it? This was fun!

:)

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I forgot you spoke German, Ruth. You girls should speak some German here together…

Today I was playing around on YouTube and remembered someone I used to listen to a looooong looooong time ago. He's still amazing. Vladimir Visotsky. I think I like them grizzly and grumpy. The lyrics for the first one are–bare with me will you? or is that bear with me?? Anyway I think I mean: humour me–

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I think Gaia hates my choice of music so much it won't let me post videos.. lemmy try again (10th time sigh)
nope. Won't let me.
So you'll just have to click.
Here.
And
Here.

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Sandra, somewhere in the support notifications I read that posting vids seems to not work in some places right now. If the problem remains, we're probably going to have to tell Matthew. Can't do it right now, I'm floating, but might be able to take care of it later.

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I love this floaty feeling of The Moon. Feels like being back in the womb almost, carefree. As long as I give myself the space and totally become embryonic, I'm fine. Not doing much of anything at all today it seems. Did a collage though, earlier, and it turned out to be for my novel. Might have been my session today. I love it. Here it comes.

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I love your new college GG - it's beautiful! it is so interesting how these things happen in the midst of everything else. I am having an impossibly slow start to writing today.. it's 10:38pm and I haven't written a single word. I may not before sleeping. I am just feeling off today and not 'there' to write. I did another album cover just for fun though… don't know if it is connected to my story or not, could be in some way (feels like it certainly could be)

I may just call it a day and write tomorrow. why not. :-P
xo

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Leigh-Anne, that's amazing! Bliss of Certainty? You've got to be cheating!  ;)  Wow, and that picture - doesn't that totally match the state of some of your characters? (Or at least it did last time when I was looking, which, I must admit, was a while back… I'm a little overwhelmed by the intensitiy and the amount of writing of this process!)

I have not written a single word yesterday myself, apart from a handful or two on my collage. On the petals of the white flower. Wonder whether I should count them in my word count? But then, why bother, doesn't amount to much anyway.

Love
Fame
Sex
Drugs
Hope
Beauty
Money
Booze
Party
Fun
Friends
Loss

(I just added Loss, it's not in this picture. Somehow this one seemed to have missed. Now there are twelve of them, like Jesus' twelve chosen ones … ;)

Holy crap, maybe I'll use them as a roughly drawn sketch for chapters? The things to go looking for in my freefall sessions? I'm sure they came from somewhere connected to the novel… Ooooohhhh, I just might do that!!! This intuitive process has so many levels - it's almost spooky when you start reading them…

I may just call it a day and write tomorrow. why not. Absolutely. Why not. For me the breaks work wonders. Hope you enjoyed yours!

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oh, YES, Gabriele!! chapter titles, even. I'm jealous!!

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Sandra, I know!  :)  But before I even could start obsessing over what to do with them and how to use them for the writing and so on, I read the last chapters of Brenda Ueland… Put them away for later (or a 'rainy' day).

“For if you begin to plan such a huge edifice of words, your heart fails you. …
No, write what comes to you now. More will come later. The river will begin to flow through you. …

You write, and plan afterwards. You write it first, because every word must come out of you with freedom, and with meaning because you think it is so and want to tell it. If this is done the book will be alive.”

I totally get this. I'm so much better at working and organizing something that is already there, seeing the bigger picture, maybe adding bits and pieces here and there to make things shine more clearly, and brightly… !  :)

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realized a little later, having said all the above, I still think these words are fabulous jumping points for falling into something completely freefallish… so next time I write, I'll see if one of them jumps up and down, squeeking 'take me, take me'…

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We enter a new week of the Shamanic Forecast. Things are getting intense, but we have a choice where we put our focus.

November 15-21: This time frame supports and opportunity for the higher emotional center to express joy and wonder. The opposite is also possible here. Intense fear, depression and emotional turmoil can be the other experience at this time. How you manage this time will be up to you. If you see opportunity instead of failure, you will take advantage of the higher center. Remember that the feminine place of the void is a highly creative place to be. Allow yourself to simply be there.

I know from experience how this idea of 'choice' can become a tool of self-sabotage, reinforcing failure and depression rather then helping to find a way out of them. I don't think this means to say we are doing something 'wrong' when depression, a sense of failure and emotional turmoil are what is coming up. I do know though that there is a form of being depressed (I'm not talking about the darnkness of the soul kind of state that needs treatment and medication and can be life threatenening for those who suffer from it) that needs our awareness to let it be, without reinforcing it, and at the same time takes care of ourselves in a way that supports the emotions to go through rather then making them about something and holding on to them as who we think we are. At least that is what I have learned along the way.

Using them for my art is one way to work with them creatively which is why I do my November Blues Projects. These days I don't even need to force myself anymore to go out on a walk, no matter what. It has become a new habit I deeply enjoy. When there is sun I soak up the light, when there is greyness and rain I take in the glistening of wetness on  rotting leaves, the remaining colors, soaking dark in all kinds of shades from brown-oranges to mud black. There always is beauty somewhere. It is up to me to see it, even in the darkest mood and make that beauty visible, readable, audible… and let it infect me with it's creative spark.

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Thanks for posting the relevant shamanic bit, Gabriele, and I loved your words on the 'blues' state and how you are with it. Indeed, 'with' it. :-) And another truly gorgeous photo.

leigh-anne, only saw your album covers now.. oooooh, stunning. I might have to do one later, (seeing your pics is a bit like being shown a drug I'm addicted to!)

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I love bittersweet.
I have it scattered around my house.

here is a picture of some. not quite as colorful but bittersweet none the less

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Oh, is that how they are called, jenni? Bittersweet? That's lovely! Beautiful pic! I wouldn't want to do too much with it, maybe a bit more contrast, to bring the stunning colors of the bittersweet out more against the grey… just beautiful.

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Gabriele, Jenni, your photos are so awesome! Thanks for posting them. Bittersweet, eh? Sounds like November alright. :)

What you said about choice, Gabriele, reminded me of a moment in my early 20's when I was teetering between, on pause, as if the universe was waiting for me to decide something. In that moment I saw with unusual clarity that (for that single instance) I could choose between depression and happiness (or whatever, like polar opposites of expression; to me then it translated as negative vs positive). I have always remembered that I chose depression. I chose it. And I'm not generalizing anything, not about depression, not about choice—I'm simply saying, for me, once, it was that clear.

I find it easier now to choose what is soul-nourishing. Walking in nature, phoning a friend, writing it out (journaling especially), coming here… ah, breathing (I knew I was forgetting something!)

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Ruth, it's so good to read you.

In a way I can say I still often choose suffering over opening up, holding on to pain over letting go, stubbornness over giving in… and don't I have every right to do so? I'm not asking you personally, I'm thinking out loud. I don't choose by saying 'this is how I'll be today'. But it's a choice nevertheless, isn't it, to refuse to do things differently when you know you could. But you won't.

Who knows what any of us really 'needs' to be, or to understand, to learn, to realize…? I think I want to take up the cudgets on behalf of respect for everybodies process and them doing things in their own time and their own way, no matter how much we think 'if only' because we want them to be 'better' off… What do we know, really?

Which includes giving ourselves that space and respect. It's such a fine line sometimes between wallowing in misery and simply being miserable and looking for how to be okay with that. Without needing to change it in order to be happier, more positive, healthier… It's a big one, something got triggered for me, something that has to do with my own years and years of trying to become a better person. For so long I thought there was something wrong with me. Which, I see today, was the main thing that was 'wrong' with me.  :)

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choice.. ah.. don't get me started you girls!

I also remember a time, also in my 20's, in the greatest of emotional pain and distress, where I said to myself, I can feel this pain, or I can choose not to. I 'chose' not to, and the pain was gone. For good. (that particular one anyway)

However..

I've been loving some of the recent(ish) studies and experiments that 'show' that someones decision, their choice, is pre conscious. In other words, your 'choice' can be 100% accurately predicted, by the scientists involved in the experiment, up to several minutes before you have the thought, I'm going to choose this. They can tell by looking at the brain. They know, before “you” do, which 'thing' you are going to choose.

What this means to me, is that 'choosing' is a much much more complex process than we think it is. That the beings we are, are so so much more than we “think” we are. To tell someone they can or should choose something (ie. an emotional state) if they just want to, i.e, if they 'will' it,  may not be correct.

I suspect so so very much more goes into what or why we do something. Our DNA. Our 'conditioning'. The billion, gazillion molecules in the world in the present moment and all moments leading up to (and after?) that choice…..

I think this is what you mean, Gabriele, about giving ourselves space and respect. We do the best we can, I believe, all the time.

hugs both!

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It's such a fine line sometimes between wallowing in misery and simply being miserable and looking for how to be okay with that. Without needing to change it in order to be happier, more positive, healthier…

I totally agree, GG, and I personally think there is no way really to happiness, to joy (not of the lasting kind anyway), that doesn't involve a willingness to go into the misery, to own it, accept that it is so in the moment or for however long it takes. The way out is through, who said that? I have never been able to make myself feel something I'm not feeling.

Interestingly, the Creator card I drew this morning told me: You are ALWAYS free to choose again. And in Haindl tarot, I drew the 7 of Wands (Courage), and afterwards I wrote in my journal:

How apt that card is. Courage to look at what throws me and to stop resisting, and start accepting or owning it, so that wholeness can occur. Courage to throw off everything I've ever learned and believed, so that I can know my own, unadulterated truth. Courage to choose again and again, heartbeat after heartbeat, moment by moment, choosing, choosing, choosing. There's no such thing as a final choice. Or a final act of courage.


{Not ignoring you, Sandra, you beat me to the post—me heap big slow writer :)

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There's no such thing as a final choice. Or a final act of courage.

mmmmm, gives me tingles, Ruth!

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Can I blame the Shamanic forecast for these words (or I should say an early version of them) appearing in my middle-of-the-night consciousness about a week ago?

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That void poem, Ruth? Classic. Absolutely delightful. …that I may fill my cup. Would make any of those Japanes guys with their Koans pale with envy. ;) And the picture… blue-greens are very powerful for healing, I hear… Ever thought of publishing your poetry, btw?

You know Goethe's Faust, Ruth, Sandra? Zwei Seelen wohnen, ach, in meiner Brust… two souls, alas! are dwelling in my breast… I feel like that any time I look at different, often contradicting aspects of the choice and free will controversy. Only over here it's not just two souls, there's quite a crowd of souls dwelling in my breast.  :) 

Sandra, I loved that bit about brain science. It confirmes and underlines what part of me has been advocating for years. To the conscious 'me' (aka ego, mostly) it seems like more of an act of grace then a choice when my focus is towards the light, the positive, the creative expansion… and it seems like something I don't know any other way to get out of it but through it when I find myself in depression, retreat, dark moods and negative patters of thoughts and behavior. So this deeper part of our being and brain chemistry bit totally makes sense to me.

At the same time I have no trouble at all to resonate with absolutely all you say, Ruth. Sometimes it feels like there is a choice, and who knows, maybe sometimes we have access to deeper levels of whatever is happening there and can feel it before or the same time scientist can see it on the screen… and the longer I look the smaller the particles get. Who allows me to do something nourishing, or to give in, or to ask for help in times of inner darkness, and who prevents me from doing this at other times?

I have no idea who or what is directing traffic here, only thing I know is it certainly isn't the me typing this right now. I don't have any real power over anything. Or do I?  :)

All those different souls in my breast are very glad that I have stopped fighting them and ignoring them when I thought only one of them could be true. I have a lot of space for opposite and contradicting ideas on the complex material we call reality. It depends on how I'm wired any given moment which theory seems the most likely, and this can change into it's opposite in an instant.

Love this conversation. You are fabulous, both of you. I have no idea what I did to deserve you guys, but I'm very grateful to have you in my life.

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All those different souls in my breast are very glad that I have stopped fighting them and ignoring them when I thought only one of them could be true.

This gave me goosebumps, Gabriele. And maybe that's the only choice that really matters, to stop fighting with oneself, to give each 'soul' a voice. Greeting them, making them feel welcome instead of trying to shove them out the door. They are there, resisting them only makes them dig in their heels.

I have so much more I would like to say but I feel too scattered to say it.

I just reread what I wrote above about choosing (especially the journal part), and I feel I want to clarify that for me, now, the only real choice is to listen to the voices, to own what is there. Yes, I'm feeling tired right now, scattered. Doesn't really matter why—trying to figure out 'why' is a mental exercise that takes me out of 'what'. Is it or is it not so that I feel tired right now? Yes. The truth of now (but only a partial truth because there's so much else going on).

And I was thinking that when I wrote There's no such thing as a final choice. Or a final act of courage, I could have added: Or a final truth.

And there's no such thing as a wrong choice either.

The Gospel According to Ruth :)
(or, Ruth's version of reality in the moment of writing)

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There's only - a choise.
Choose and live with it
change your mind
live with it
find a truth
don't believe it
change - is the truth

I just love to read what you say Ruth and others too. Such a deep thread this is.

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Oh, and

Ever thought of publishing your poetry, btw?

Guess I'd have to own the poet in me first… ;)

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Looks like we have some extra Shamanic energy going on today, with the new moon connecting us to the void. Might be an interesting day.

November 16: New Moon is at 12:14 PM MST (Mountain Standard Time) A time of working with the void, the feminine. Allow the destructive quality of the dark feminine to help you dissolve something that really need to be gone, something non-essential that your false personality has been holding onto. If there is nothing, then simply spend some time feeling the peace and emptiness in the nothingness of the void.

Perfect timing for your void poem, Ruth. Wow.

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PS: this thread is pretty heavy to load by now.