Gaia: DIVING DEEPER: A Writing Workshop - Writing As Spiritual Practice

Re: writing mala

http://jensiper.gaia.com — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 16:58:21 GMT

this will most likely be my last day here for awhile. I thought I would stop in for a last write before tomorrow starts.
It is breezy out but warm. I am sitting in harry's room. The sun is bright coming through the window and is putting light on the floor. Poly is stretched out on harry's bed with his head on the blanket at the end. He is head is in the sun light. The maple tree is blowing in the wind and the leaves that are still on it are making that rustling sound. There are kids playing in the street. I hear their laughs and screams. it is very windy. I can hear the wind. the pine trees across the way are bending this and that.
I hear a chain saw somewhere.
a plane. windchimes.
the sun is warm on me. I am chilled though. my clothes still damp from my run and yoga earlier today. Too lazy to change. need to take a hot bath and then I want to take poly for walk. I have no candy for tonight.
I want to buy a notebook to jot things down that I read or think of.
I have to start writing tomorrow. I have no idea what is going to come out. I am nervous about it. Not sure I can do it this time.
I need to clean out one drawer really well. just one drawer.
The wind again is blowing I can hear it behind me.
my head is aching slightly. too much fun last night.
you yes I say no you say goodbye and I say hello

Re: writing mala

http://jensiper.gaia.com — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 10:51:24 GMT

I think I will try that next time. Cutting it is too hard!!!!!
I love butternut too.

Re: writing mala

http://drechanteuse.gaia.com — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:58:27 GMT

I usually bake my squash whole and then open it up and scoop it out. I place it in a big roasting pan in water, and let it cook until it's soft. Tonight I am making gingered butternut squash with apples. We'll see how it turns out.

This was supposed to post up above, by the way. Don't know why it didn't work.

Re: writing mala

http://jensiper.gaia.com — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:11:15 GMT

figure maybe I should write something today the 28th of october. Only a couple days left of this month. I am sweating. I am drinking hot milk with ginger cardamon and turmeric. I read about it in this book I just got that I ordered about ayurvedic home remedies. it is supposed to help sleep. it doesn't taste too bad. I just poured in the herbs without measuring because I wasn't too sure about the amounts and I was kind of heavy handed with the ginger. I added some honey. It is making me sweat. I have had this cold thing you know and I have been waking up at night sweaty. I have had night sweats before, on and off in the past ten years. I am getting up there in age so it might be that but maybe it is just this weird cold that won't let go. I am sweating right now. I don't mind being sweaty. I tend to smell when I sweat, specifically my right under arm. The other one does not smell. I think that is odd. There is also a smell when I am afraid or under pressure. I think it is from fear actually.
I was reading about my body type. I think I am mostly vata. They don't sound very attractive. beady eyes dry skin and bad teeth. I am not sure I am all of that so maybe I have some other stuff mixed in. hopefully. says my body type depends on the body type of my parents and how balanced they were when they had sex to have me and the weather at the time and what they had eaten. A lot of variables there and pretty strange too.
I think I believe in it though to a certain extent anyway. Have to take everything with a grain of salt or you will drive yourself insane.
today was a nice day pretty much because I worked hard on my state of mind to keep it that way. I think that must be a moment to moment struggle.
my stomach is sticking out slightly down there under my yellow shirt. It tends to stick out a little. a puffy thing. I don't mind it so much as long as my pants fit me. I hate when they are too tight.
I have long underwear on. It is rainy and cold today. the streets looked messy with all of the wet leaves all over the place. needs a good cleaning. some leaves still hanging on. I could do with a sunny day.
hmmm. I am getting a little sick of this milk. I only have whole milk. I don't usually drink milk and only have whole for my tea in the morning. probably should not get in of the habit of drinking whole milk every night. and then some say you should not drink too much dairy especially at night and also if you have a cold. I need the dairy for calcium though. Don't get too much calcium in my diet. I take a supplement.
way too much to think about. I got my hair cut today and I am feeling much lighter. I hate the way I look at the hair salon with wet hair. The lighting is always bad in there and I look sallow. They should put in some low lights. make us feel better. Maybe no one looks good with wet hair except for young people they look okay. I think I used to probably.
one of these day I will stop caring about that. I am working on it don't worry.

Re: writing mala

http://jensiper.gaia.com — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 20:38:10 GMT

hey andrea,
thanks so much for sludging through that. I think I made that word up. I feel a bit lighter emotionally today than I did yesterday. Still a little down. I think it is the grayness of the day or it might be the guy who insists on power blowing his leaves next door. Get a rake and do a little quiet exercise I would like to say or I will even do it for you if that will get you turn that thing off.
well anyway enough of that.
You sound like you had quiet a wammy of illnesss. I read on the harvest thread that you are on prednisone. I hope not for long. I know it is a good drug but I am sure you don't like being on it.
I hope you feel better soon. I am getting there. For some reason this "cold" has sapped my energy. I think I am better and then I am not.
About people commenting on our looks. I know what you are saying. What exactly are they trying to accomplish?
I have not cooked spaghetti squash in some time. I didn't realize how hard the shell is. I wonder if you can cook it whole and then cut it. It was tasty though when it was done.
the guy is still out there with his noise machine. I think I might have a panic attack. Go bezerk, running out of my house screaming "turn that F........ thing off. AAAAHHHHH.

Re: writing mala

http://drechanteuse.gaia.com — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 22:11:31 GMT

I did read this, jenni, and I have to say, I could relate. Life just sometimes feels this way, and I don't think we need to pretend and say that things are always wonderful. I think it's more about going through these uncomfortable moments and getting whatever we are supposed to get from them.

I can so feel the illness, as I am still struggling to breathe clearly myself. I can relate to that struggle for your son to get good grades, and regretting the times when he didn't care, because now it is harder for him.

The part on not commenting on people's appearance or weight is so true. Why do people so often feel compelled to say hurtful things? What do they really get out of it? Do they even realize what they are doing?

I laughed at the spaghetti squash, though. It's like, "I'm feeling so bad so why not cook one of the hardest things to cut open on earth?" Well, I also had a bad evening as an end to a perfectly lovely day, and I am here grovelling, enjoying reading about someone else's not so hot day, however, I never thought of challenging myself with cutting squash just to top it off.

I love your mala entries. The honesty is just immense.

xo
Andrea

Re: writing mala

http://jensiper.gaia.com — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 21:57:54 GMT

the 26th. why does yesterday seem so much better than today. I was wiser, more in tune and younger. Today I am old and haggard. My head is heavy and I can't breathe through my nose. I itch. I am hot then cold then sweaty. My nose is chapped and raw and so are my lips. I have to blow constantly. I have little energy but I plod on. I had to work and pass my germs to other people less sick than me. Harry calls me now with every grade he gets which most often are not that bad but not good enough if he wants to get into the program he wishes for. With marty I was just happy he passed now I have to hope for no less then over a B. Not that I care so much but he cares and I have to talk to him and say it is okay and he is doing his best. I think back to last year when he didn't care at all and didn't even go to class and never called me. The angst of having to help him through disappointment is better than watching him do nothing and not care. Do I see that. Can I appreciate that. Why can I never see what I have and have gratitude. There is always something wrong. Something nagging at me. That lack I hear of. My dog is barking and he won't stop. Stop barking please. I am trying to concentrate.
I hate writing. I hate reading. I hate lying down. I hate sitting here. How is that for cheerful. I hate cooking to and then eating and putting it all away and trying then to sleep and usually waking up at some point. I am obviously not in the happiest place. I am wearing a head band and my hair is too long and I can't wait to cut it all off. Jane said as I was leaving. So tomorrow when you go to your doctor. Don't cry. I wasn't sure why I would cry and said that I am sure there won't be any surprises. Well don't cry and call me if there is anything. why would there be anything. what does she know that I don't. She the one who warned me about looking tired and too thin and fragile. Why can't people stop commenting on how I look. I wouldn't think to say anything to anybody else about their weight or their looks. Too private and usually hurtful. I wish I could breathe. Tomorrow will be a better day. I did take a walk which was fine except for the chain saw down the street There is always a power tool somewhere. I saw some kids laughing and playing in a cul de sac. my neighbors were raking and I stopped and talked a bit. We talked about their tree. I got home with some energy to empty and fill the dishwasher which should have been done last night and then this morning and finally taken care of tonight. and washed
poly's bowls and that tray underneath that has been bothering me for sometime and fed him and cut up that spaghetti squash. It was so effing hard to cut, I almost impaled myself on the knife but I got it done and then I had to scrape out the seeds and the stringy innards and they would not come out just like with a pumpkin and I had to do it by hand it and it was slimy and made my hands itch. I did it though and put it in the oven to cook. have to make something to put on it later.
enough now. my head hurts. yuck yuck . hopefully no one reads this tonight. I wouldn't.

Re: writing mala

http://gospelwriter.gaia.com — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 22:50:18 GMT

You warm my heart. A tree by the river? and cradled between Gabriele and Sandra? Oh my goodness, thank you!

Re: writing mala

http://jensiper.gaia.com — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 22:42:07 GMT

you are so sweet Ruth and you always warm my heart. You have a tree by the river. You are cradled between Gabriele and Sandra.
Thank you for the part about my father.
love,
jenni

Re: writing mala

http://gospelwriter.gaia.com — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 22:28:12 GMT

Hey Jenni, I think you can write here as long as you want to---I love reading you. I like to write here too, in my own mala thread, but only do it every now and then, whenever something calls to be written in this vein.

I particularly enjoyed in this day's writing what you say about naming trees after people---I hadn't thought of that myself, but I think I'll start. I'm always trying to remember what kind of tree is this one or that one; and isn't that a little bit like trying to remember where a person comes from (or what distinguishes one from another in fairly broad terms)? Not personal at all. And I like the ceremonial feel to the naming, and the thought that goes into it:

On my way back I found on lone kind of gnarly tree. short and somewhat misshappen. I needed a name but was at a loss. Then it came to me. Herb. your name is Herb and I touched it. My father's name was Herb. I think he would like that, a tree named after him.

I love your description of Herb's smile: He had an amazing smile. It was like his face couldn't control itself.

Thank you for this.

Ruth

Re: writing mala

http://jensiper.gaia.com — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 21:59:21 GMT

this might be it for awhile. I should probably move on to something else, however I do enjoy this coming here and writing.
It says spiritual practice and I do find that it soothes me spiritually to write whatever comes my way. I feel better about it some days than others. Sometimes it is very real to me and other times it is just nonsense.
It must depend on my mood and how I am feeling. That certainly can be up and down. It also depends on what I might have read that day or how I am feeling about myself. Who has influenced me. I appear to be easily influenced. I am like a leaf on the wind, blown this way and that or a ball thrown too and fro.
I hate that people can hurt me. I know that it is just an illusion. I have read that over and over again. The inner stillness persists despite all what goes around me. I have trouble remembering that. Someone who had power over me so many years ago has resurfaced to cause me turmoil. once again. Would like to give a piece of mind to this person but I read today to only show the one who can hurt you, a whole person. Don't allow the hurt to come through. That person is just like me. Suffers and needs love and recognition in the same way. I have to be tolerant.
To always be loving no matter what. Even to those you hate?
Not that I really hate anyone. I don't think I do anyway. Maybe I do underneath it all. have some hate. Horrible to think but very possible. Have to come to terms with that too.
I walked down by the river this late afternoon. The light was exquisite. After the rain and dreariness yesterday, it was a welcome sight. The trees are so strong down there. I named some of them. I read in this book today that you should name things. It is a book about poetry. I had some trouble with it at first but then I soon got into the swing of it. I named trees after a lot of you here. That was fun. I just hope I can remember. With the leaves all gone, they might look different. They are scattered though and I remembered the trunks and where they are in relation to certain landmarks. On my way back I found on lone kind of gnarly tree. short and somewhat misshappen. I needed a name but was at a loss. Then it came to me. Herb. your name is Herb and I touched it. My father's name was Herb. I think he would like that, a tree named after him.
He was cremated when he died but he wanted his ashes buried in a military cemetery. I thought he should have been scattered in his garden. I have never been back to his grave. I am not even sure how to get there. It is in maryland somewhere. His wife knows. She had a stone bench put there by it to remember him. I would rather remember him by a tree. I had never thought to do anything like that before. he died many years ago now. I still feel him around though, when certain people smile. He had an amazing smile. It was like his face couldn't control itself. He loved to laugh.
I went to saratoga today to a meditation reminder session in the library there. in the basement. Richard and I were the only ones who showed up. We talked mostly about vedic medicine and herbs.
There was a bathroom there that was for little girls. The toilet was so small it was barely off the ground. The other one was locked with no one in it so I had to use the small one.
we went to the health food store and got some stuff from the buffet for dinner. some hummus and the some vegetables and coconut ice cream. We ran into Tbo who said I had to try the ice cream. I love Saratoga. It is so pretty there by Congress Park. We had some wheatgrass juice in a small one ounce container.
I bought some chocolate too.
The drive home was pretty with the blue sky and the yellow and orange muted now trees. I love a nice day in the late fall.
Next weekend we turn the clocks back and the darkness will come. I plan on doing a lot of winter sports this year to get out.

Re: writing mala

http://jensiper.gaia.com — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 20:27:26 GMT

today is a day of non-resolutions and questions. It is october the twenty fourth at four oh one. it is raining and it has been raining all day. My nose is still stuffy and I am pretty sick of that. breathing through my mouth.
feeling up in the air in general, like my feet aren't quite touching but I am still be carried along. not much choice and so often I feel like I am wasting time. No matter what I am doing I figure that there probably something more important I should be doing. Not that I did anything of any consequence today. nothing on my list of things to do, that I write down on little pieces of paper or on the backs of envelopes now and then and then I lose. I have been writing the same things for some time.
I did do one load of laundry and I took a shower. I got to yoga class and took two short walks in the rain.
I watched the rest of Love in the Time of Cholera. I started it last night. It was a long movie. About a guy who waits his whole life for this one woman that he truly loves. I guess she loved him but she married someone else and he had to wait for her husband to die. he waited 51 years. He had sex with 622 or more woman in the meantime to take his mind off of her.
So I was wondering about true love and I have decided that I don't believe in it anymore. At least not at this point in time. I have felt this love but I don't trust it anymore. It either is taken away or comes with conditions. It never seems to maintain its purity. So is it true. I only seem to be able to catch glimpses of it and then it is clouded. Can you love more than one person. Is there only one love and it can be experienced in different situations. One love with different faces. Love like the field that two people can enter and experience as one. It is not really love for the person but experience of love through that person. I am just thinking here.
The other person has to be in tune with this too. Like Rumi and Hafiz. They would stare into each other's eyes to see God. I always loved that. What happened to them. Did Hafiz leave.
I can't remember.
I was very disappointed in my boots today. I have had them for so many years. Each year I want to buy new ones, but I put the old ones on and I say to myself. These are good boots. Why get new ones. They are short. they zip up. They are black and most importantly they are waterproof. I took poly down by the canal and we walked in the rain. It was a mess down there with puddles and we got soaked. He didn't want to go far and just stopped at one point. Time to go home. He needs a coat for wet weather.
Well, my boots leaked. My socks got wet. I feel kind of bad actually. I should not say I am disappointed because they served me well for so long. They are just beat now. It is over. I have to find new waterproof boots.
So much for the boots. I had to take off my jeans because they were soaked through. I had my noreaster hat on and my gortex waterproof jacket that I got in 1999 from ems. I got it to go to england because I figured it would rain there. It was sunny the whole time. I still have the coat though. I like to hold on to some things. I have a tie died tank top that I have had for twenty nine years. I am pretty proud of that. I have a picture of myself wearing it when I was twenty in cape may new jersey. I was visiting my parents. I had my first job by then and was living in staten island. I lived in a building in the parking lot of the hospital there. It smelled. I can still smell it and it was infested with cock roaches. They even got in the fridge. They liked my bathtub as well for some reason. I had a round green hooked rug with flowers on the floor and I slept on a fold out
couch. I remember when I first moved in. how scared I was all alone
there. I spent a lot of time going to the mall to kill time. I was pretty lonely.I worked a lot though. I moved after a year to another place that was in a basement. It was better there. It didn't smell and no roaches.

Re: Writing 108 mala: A Day and a Day

http://jensiper.gaia.com — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 12:39:54 GMT

what kind of grain I am wondering. I like that there is so much not said here and I have to wonder.
I enjoyed the feeling of the looking out her landscape, the changes in her landscape the relentless rain.
I found it peaceful but also there was angst there and maybe something unresolved.
I love faded blue.

Re: Writing 108 mala: A Day and a Day

http://gospelwriter.gaia.com — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 02:01:10 GMT

This has been a day and it’s been a day. A relatively good day. A mostly quiet day, with spot fires of activity running through. Not the kind of fire that plays havoc with peace or serenity, but the kind that fuels creativity, connectivity, and just general wellbeing.

I look out at the faded blue of the late afternoon autumn sky—it was the pear tree bashing its arms against my window that made me look—and I can’t see a single cloud, not anywhere. This after a day of almost notstop rain, not really a hard rain, not a drizzle of a rain either, but a... I know what we would have called it on the prairies but this isn’t the prairies and what I see when I look at the ground outside my window is nothing at all like farmland, like wheat or barley, flax, corn, sunflowers, or that other word that is also a grain and that I can never bring myself to say or write because I can’t imagine why they would have called it that but it’s there all right, growing in fields not that far from where I grew up, and they make oil out of it and it’s a four-letter word and I don’t want to go there, don’t want to go there, don’t want to go there...

(Calm yourself, sweetheart, you are far from that place, that time.)

Okay, so what I see from my window is a large gravel parking lot and beyond that a winding road with some apartment buildings and houses (that I can’t actually see from here) and lots of trees, elm, maple, oak, all in glorious reds and yellows and faded greens, and different kinds of conifers that will still be green in winter. I lost my train of thought... oh, the rain. The rain that on the prairies we had a name for but the name was not in English and it’s one of those words (or phrases) that aren’t really translatable into English or even into non-prairie speak. And I go on and on as I do and still don’t get to the point ("Will she ever get to the point?" I hear a not unkind but critical voice rise up out of my past, only she wasn’t talking about me because in those days I barely opened my mouth. She wished her husband’s daughter could be more like me.)

So all day there was rain. Like somebody said, it was one of those days that never seem to make it past dawn. And it was that kind of rain in particular, the kind that practically makes grain grow even where it was never planted. And I was totally cool with the rain for some reason but just in case (I can hear the Universe say), just in case all that rain is depressing her, let’s do this... And so every couple of hours I’d glance up from what I was doing because suddenly the room seemed brighter, and I’d look out the window and see the sun peeking out from behind clouds just for a moment—no longer—and I’d move my head back just a little and look at the pear tree that is right there and sure enough—this gets me every, every time—there were rainbows all over the branches of that tree, raindrops turned into crystals that held all the colours of the rainbow. Then I would go back to my work and the rain would start again...

But it’s my mother’s birthday and I called her first thing this morning my time though it was getting on toward her lunch time, and was the first to wish her a happy birthday. I asked her if there was a party planned for her in the place she’s in and she said she didn’t know, but a week ago they’d asked her if she prefers white cake or dark. "White," she told them. "Altogether too much chocolate here," she said, "white will be nice for a change." I hope they had a party.

(And by the way, that 4-letter word when used to refer to a type of grain, comes from a 5-letter Latin word rapum, meaning ‘turnip.’ Oh...)

Re: writing mala

http://jensiper.gaia.com — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 00:28:10 GMT

I thought I would post the song if I can figure out how. I don't remember it sounding this way, but always remembered the open eyes part.

Re: writing mala

http://jensiper.gaia.com — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 23:07:26 GMT

I have to write tonight don't I . I don't really have to but I mean to keep this up until at least november when I will have to be writing something else and won't most likely have time for this. It is by the way october 22nd at 6: 55 in the evening. Same place same time on the couch under my lamp light that is less than sufficient but persists because I never take the time to change the bulb. It is okay for writing but not for reading.
my nose is still stuffy and I have lost my acute sense of taste and smell. Everything is slightly dull and I have not been sleeping well. I usually wake up around 3 am stuck between richard and my dog spread out and I can't move and I have to cough, blow my nose, drink something and go to the bathroom. I usually end up in my sons room on his twin bed staring at the ceiling. I try to keep my eyes open. I find that helps. It reminds me of that song from Mary Poppins when she sings to them to get them to go to sleep. Something about not letting their eyes close. I will have to look it up.
I loved that movie. I lived in a Hampstead for a few years growing up and the house where that movie was filmed was in my neighborhood. It was pink I think. We would go and look at it sometimes. There was also a house with a ships maiden head attached to it. I took a picture of it years later when I went back there with richard to see my old house. He is standing in front of it.
I am not sure how I got on that subject. you never know I guess.
I took a walk down the street today after work. I was tired but I wanted to get some fresh air and poly was ansy even though he had gone to day care today. It was warm but I was chilled so I still wore a polartec and my light down jacket. I had on my green yoga pants. I think I must have looked quite fetching.
It was so quiet but a wind was blowing the trees. it was not sunny but the oranges and yellows still stood out. I collected a few colorful leaves on the pavement. They were scattered around with brown dry ones like they had been left behind. blowing about. The clouds were moving in the sky and black birds were flying. It was quiet but not quiet. kind of eerie. I ran into three little girls who stopped what they were doing to pet poly.
One was tall and skinny with glasses. A little one with a sweater and dirty pants, her sister I think and a slightly pudgy girl with a shirt that said my daddy rocks on and fingerless turquoise gloves. They all had something to tell me.
I went on back home after that. There was boy across the street bagging leaves. He never looked up.

Re: writing mala

http://jensiper.gaia.com — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 15:44:21 GMT

Hi you guys. It is so nice and fun as well to have you come and visit and say a few things. I am glad you are enjoying my wandering thoughts.
I had to skip yesterday so today is october the twenty first at eleven thirty in the morning. It is very quiet and my ears are ringing slightly I think from the head cold that seems to have invaded my head as well as my throat and is working its way down into my chest. my head is heavy and my eyes ache.
Not so bad that i have to be in bed however. I hate that when it is so bad you can't get up and you hate lying there and can't get comfortable and everything aches. Not that bad.
I was able to take a walk this morning down by the river with poly. It was not too cold out. The water was so still, like glass. there were some pretty light yellow flowers on thin stalks that I had not seen before. I collected a couple to put in my vase.
I also collected some brown leaves because I am feeling brown today. I want to put them in a collage. A brown leaf collage. I am hoping if I glue them down well enough they won't crack and fall apart. I remember ironing leaves into wax paper.
I put them on the kitchen counter and poly ran away with them. Luckily he did not destroy them.
I just picked up a book yesterday written by a poet. She talked about keeping a journal and collecting words. I think I might do that. I like that idea. even make up words.
I have lots of books that I need to actually read and finish. I have several lying around half read.
You can't really look at the whole picture, I figured today. It is easier to take it in sections. Like organizing my life and house. Start small and do one thing really well. I keep telling myself that. I have trouble starting that one small thing and usually if I do, I don't get to the next thing.
I drove by a house where the owner had put those A framed wooden things over his evergreens. It was so neat and tidy and I thought of the energy and motivation it must have taken to do that and how he probably does it every year. I think I did that maybe once or twice in the past. I still have the wooden things lying on their side next to the shed. Probably rotting like the wooden chair set over by the pool. It is falling sideways into the ground. got to get rid of it. Maybe next year. It would be nice if the person I lived with was motivated. We both tend to procrastinate. Things can lie around for months.
Oh well. I am not sure I am so different from many.
I have no energy today and so a really good day to do just whatever. Everything can wait. I hope. I need to go blow my nose.
not too much happening here. trying to find inspiration. waitng for a voice to speak through me. Hey other people have been channeled. I am open to it. I am ready. Say what you have to say. Seek and you shall find. listen and you will hear.
I figure if I would shut up long enough I might hear something. Poly was eating his breakfast and I was standing by the sink drinking a glass of grapefruit juice. I thought about taking it upstairs while I showered. Instead I decided to just stand there and watch him eat. How often do I take the time to just watch him eat or just watch anything for that matter.
just sit there. do absolutely nothing. stop thinking and observe.
maybe time would go slower. I speed my life up. I gave my camera to marty and now I don't have one. I need to have a camera. I miss it.
I guess that is it.

Re: writing mala

http://gospelwriter.gaia.com — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 21:04:45 GMT

I loved the story about Poly and the dead mouse. The disgust, eeeeeuw, don't touch me. Dead animal breath, brushing his teeth with his poultry-flavored toothpaste. The fear, trying to get him off the road, so palpable:

I kept trying to call out to richard to help me get him but my voice would just come out in a whisper no matter how much I tried to yell.

And on top of everything else, a difficult patient:

geeese louise. do you want to know real pain buddy boy.

Made me smile.

And always, the introspection:

It has taken me this many years and still I am not sure I fully realize how you have to reach out and do the little extra to love because you want love.

I love that you're sticking with this mala writing, Jen---it's so awesome to read you.

Re: writing mala

http://drechanteuse.gaia.com — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:26:55 GMT

jenni, this is such a comfortable voice, even if it is feeling a slight sore throat. I could really feel the honesty of just moving through the stream of thoughts that appeared.

My favorite parts:

knock on plastic (presumably because you had no wood available - made me laught)

a something luck at the temple (pot luck?)

I am in the business of sick people

I don't want those things even though I want my kids to get them.

I also thought it was humorous in an ironic way to hit bumper to bumper traffic on a scenic ride. Also to measure time by the direction your bed was facing. Very entertaining.

xo
Andrea

Re: writing mala

http://jensiper.gaia.com — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 23:11:35 GMT

aaacch. what is that. the next day. and really feeling out of sorts right now on the couch with poly on my feet and the gas stove roaring and I really should get up to go to the bathroom but really feel like that is such a waste of time. better do it though. okay so that is a little better. I probably should not bother tonight. worse than last night. no energy. lying here now in my long johns and my purple long sleeved zip up thing that I got who knows where but it comes in handy on a cold day. it is warm in some mysterious way. It looks like any other shirt. my throat is sore but it maybe the dark chocolate dove I just ate. sometimes that makes my throat sore but It was a little sore before that. I might want it to be sore. could that be? to get sick. I have not been sick in some time. About three years ago I got a chest thing that was a little scary but that cleared up on some kind of antibiotic. I had the flu really bad so long ago it was when my bed was facing a different direction than it is now so that was eons ago. I used to get the stomach thing quite often especially when I was young. My father would give me this really awful tasting stuff called Paregoric or something like that. Turns out it was an opium derititive. made me sleep loved it. I would sleep on the bathroom floor. Last time I got sick like that was after a what do you call it something luck at the temple.I had it pretty bad after that. probably food poisoning.
so it has been awhile. I think I have a pretty strong immune system. knock on plastic. but my time might have come. And have not gotten a flu shot in years even though I am in the business of sick people so it might be smart but I am not interested. don't trust those vaccines but want my children to get them.
I hope I sleep well tonight.
Another day tomorrow. the sky was blue today. I saw it out the window and the trees were red and yellow on the way home. I think I should be taking a scenic ride somewhere. I am missing them. Took a scenic ride when harry was an infant and marty was two or so. Harry cried the whole time. We hit bumper to bumper traffic on route seven and marty chanted the whole time. " I want to go to the mall" we stopped for a bite to eat in a so so restaurant, turned around and went home. We could have seen the same nice trees where we lived.