Gaia: DIVING DEEPER: A Writing Workshop

excerpt from chapters

http://jensiper.gaia.com — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 23:33:05 GMT

I feel free of them. well mostly free. . . davie rousts me from my reverie by putting his arm around me. I feel his big hand on my arm. I feel the pressure of his fingers. I lean into him while we walk. we settle down into the pace of the walk. we start to chant again. our voices strong in unison and around us we hear others are chanting as well. the night is balmy and there is a smell of flowers in the air. It has quieted down a bit as we work are way around the mountain. I don't feel tired. I feel like I could walk for ever. I start to think about tomorrow and the fact that it is my last day before I leave. I can't imagine leaving davie and gail and even bob and robin. I feel like this has become my home. I know in my heart that it is only temporary. bob and robin will leave to go back to the states. Gail will move into her house and Davie will go on his treks. Will I him meet again I wonder. I can only wonder. I cannot hold on to him. He is young and has his life and I have my life too. My life back in new york.. I can hardly remember it at this moment. It is like a dream to me.Davie starts to sing feliz navidad . I look at him in surprise. The tune is so catchy I can't help myself. I start to sing along.From that point on the time seems to fly by and I lose track. the rest seems a blur to me and before I know it we are back at the ashram, back at the gate to go in to go to sleep.I think back and I must have daydreamed the rest of the walk away which bothers me because at this late date in my life I am really trying to live in the present, because I realize that this is all I really have. I can't depend on anything else. I keep thinking that i will get the hang of this but I keep forgetting. So I remind myself once again. we are at the gate and we say our goodbyes for now. I hug robin, her skinny little body nothing in my arms like I could break her if I squeezed too hard. Bob is much more substantial by yards really. A big man. LIke a bear and he hugs me with such sincerity with a smile on his face that is the most genuine I know. I feel good in his arms and I hug him back.Gail's hug is more hesitant but just as sincere. I stay in her ams a second longer than I might because I know that this is not forever and soon I will be gone. I smell the shampoo in her hair.Davie is last. I feel short against his tall body, my head just reaching his chest. He folds me in his arms. I don't want to let go.I must eventually, so we say goodbye until later, all knowing that it has been a special night that won't be forgotten.

Re: Dizzying December #4

http://jensiper.gaia.com — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 22:28:19 GMT

oh and I also worry about my mother because she lives alone, far away and what will I do when she will need more help. I am in the same boat there Sandra. Did you ever see that movie Francis with Jessica Lang. Story a little different but she went back to live with her mother for some reason at some point in her life and she did go crazy. I have to look that up. It always stuck out in my mind.

Re: Dizzying December #4

http://jensiper.gaia.com — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 22:05:33 GMT

well,
I can relate to the crying part and the mother part and the food in the fridge for that matter.
My mother was not here this year in fact she has not been up for christmas, since Richard told her she had to leave that one time many years ago when she made such a horrible scene and said horrible things.
Rich's mother has been here and is leaving today. She is a very good guest but seems forgetful recently and keeps leaving the gas on and the faucets running.
I cried today too because marty left. I didn't cry in front of him but I waited until later when it was just poly and I on our walk. I cried a lot of tears and he walked by my side a little concerned.
I don't usually cry when he leaves but for some reason this year seems different. He is has grown up so much and has a girlfriend and a car. I know that he will never stay here for long.
Harry is still here but he makes me sad too.
so heres to crying!

Re: Sail, You Mother

http://Ramsses.gaia.com — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 17:13:49 GMT

I can't be the only one who has noticed that in this modern age there is such beauty in women that you would never find anything like it in the art of the past. Is anyone paying attention?

On the spur of the moment, after a most cursory perusal of references to ancient cultures and government coverup of extraterrestial intelligence, I pick up Shirley MacLaine's book, Sage-ing While Age-ing, a wise old crone's musings, mildly intriguing if not vaguely disappointing in her personal retrospective and reflections on synchronicity, then suddenly, after disgracing herself with some historical absurdities, so utterly amazing in her candid revelations of a spiritual awakening that matches my own of most recent date, I am in complete awe of such synchronicity.

Re: XII

http://sandrajensen.gaia.com — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 15:35:04 GMT

leigh-anne, this piece made me wish I'd done the 12 days of christmas writing. I feel somehow calmed reading this, the truth of what really is, inspite of all the tumultuous stuff that flies about during this time of year. Such a generous spirit comes through these pieces, it's palpable and very very lovely.

Re: 12 Days Assignment

http://sandrajensen.gaia.com — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 15:32:28 GMT

Andrew, I'm just diving in here randomly to read. I loved this piece. I liked the start, but when we got straight into a scene I was riveted. It's a beautifully 'shown' scene, such a great example of that thing about if you want to 'show' a relationship, you don't have to tell everything, one scene will do it if you go right in there. I can feel his frustration, his helplessness, hers too, and his reaching out and her pulling away when she probably is desperate for his comfort.. oh,such a classic moment between couples. Beautifully done and I'd read on and on. I'd love to know how they got to this point, what happens now.

Re: Tarot Card: King of Swords

http://apfawcett.gaia.com — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 15:26:17 GMT

I only today noticed this one sitting here with out comment.

It struck me as a very simple but somehow haunting tale with mythic qualities to it. I like how you went from the opening scene of the king/warrior, tying it into the mythic part of the piece.

In the end the story left me feeling a little bit sad but in a nice way.

Thanks

A

Re: Dizzying December #4

http://sandrajensen.gaia.com — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 15:25:56 GMT

Nono.... god. Definitely good to trust your feeling on this one and actually from what you've told us it's pretty clear he's not the one for you. I suppose it's all food for the muse that's for sure!

jenni... discombobulated, oh that's the perfect word for how I'm doing. Emotions have been flying about like crazy and I've been in tears several times since yesterday. My mother left an hour ago and everyone else is taking the other mother to the airport. First time I've been alone (with Ronan the kitty) for days. David's mother is usually the one everyone feels desperate and irritated around, but my mother took the cake this time and indeed won the Talk as Much And As Loud As You Can prize, not to mention the Grand prize for Giving Advice and Irrelevant Information at Any Opportunity... and so in the end she managed to make the others feel sorry for David's (hubby) mother, who for the first time in known history couldn't get a word in edgeways....and in a way I felt 'blamed' (not overtly) for how my mum was behaving....while I just felt so sad for my mother since the way she is is a sign of how lonely her life is.

She's on crutches now, having had a bad fall a few weeks ago, and lives alone many miles away from anyone or any village, and only one friend about 20 minutes away and she has no savings. I don't know what to do when she gets more physically incapacitated. I can't live with her, I'd get ill, so what to do? State homes would be worse than anything.

Today David woke up feeling woozy and had heart palpitations...I am sure it's just stress and lack of sleep.

The fridge is packed full of food I don't want to see the sight of again.

sigh.

I know I'll look back on this and laugh, one day....

Re: Dizzying December #4

http://quietlaughter.gaia.com — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 15:22:34 GMT

phew Nono - that is a heck of a story and 70 messages in one day is creepy! what a rollercoaster! I agree with Jenni - very good that you listened to your instincts. I am feeling dizzy from this December, and can't wait for it to be all over. heading out to xmas #3 in an hour and a bit - still am in my pj's though... tomorrow is my oldest daughter's 14th b-day, which will be fun but tiring, then I'm back to work on Tuesday. *sigh* no rest for the wicked. I'm at my end with a few things and my mood is in the toilet along with my health. I am looking forward to getting back to writing again, but more I am looking forward to sleeeeeeping.

hugs everyone
xo

Re: Dizzying December #4

http://jensiper.gaia.com — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 13:35:38 GMT

wow what a roller coaster story nono. I am reading it while i listen to ave maria. sounds like a weirdo guy. geeze. I sorry for the disappointment.
It is good you listened to your instincts.
sounds like everyone is tired from all of the festivities. I feel discombobulated. hey I actually spelled that right.
My sons and mother in law are still here. Gilda and marty are leaving today I think and I am not sure about harry.
He is morose and difficult as always. I wish he would find some peace within himself. There is a constant worry inside of me for him.
I am allergic to my christmas tree and spend every night coughing.
I had to sleep in the den with an air cleaner on last night.
It is coming down today. Enough of that.
A lot of cooking and eating the past four days. I have a ton of left overs.
It is raining.
I am going to yoga later.

Re: Dizzying December #4

http://pz.gaia.com — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 11:49:14 GMT

CREEPY... or I'm a chicken - pick one.

Well, that thing that started so excitingly wondorously became then later on last evening feel more and more uncomfy. The guy was too hot in his messages and I started to sense desperation behind it. It went that far that we decided to have a date today, but then this morning I said no... His answer was: "Your lost!"

I hope this is the last I hear of him then.

I got almost 70 messages from him yesterday and that is way too much. I had to say to him that he would cool down but the messages continued. He said he was 32 years old and chubby, so I figured his looks was not the greatest if he was seeking company with a lady wo soon will turn 50. Well, nothing wrong with that, I'm not a age-police and I'm also so old that the looks is something I should be able to see behind, right.

And it was not the looks either, it was the way he was. Going ahead way too fast and I formly squirm if someone tries to use me as a life jacket. I felt the suffication during this night and I trust that feeling. So, therefore, I rejected.

Whoa, space please! I hate to be in a corner.

But, I must say that this was an exciting experience ;) and a heck of a story that I can use as a spinn off. A stranger with a text message. There are some exciting things going on right here at home while I sit on my sofa.

God is obviously trying now - can't wait to see the third attempt. I just hope that I am not the man on the roof when water is araising and god sending a boat and another boat... ewww, why is everything so hard to figure? Shit!

Re: 12 Days Assignment

http://apfawcett.gaia.com — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 09:52:07 GMT

Day 9

King of Swords: The essence of air, such as a clear blue sky: A mature leader of unwavering ethics and indisputable authority. An incorruptible judge, whose devotion to the law cannot be swayed by emotion or material concerns. Perfect clarity of thought, directness of action, and eloquence of speech. One who, like a great general, inspires not love or devotion, but absolute trust and loyalty.

The fear of starting always comes on strong to me. I hesitate. I put a foot forward then take it back. I turn around and look again. I want to make something up but do not want it to be the wrong thing. I want perfection. Right from the start.

I never seems to come out of me easily. I have to start like this, just rambling around until I hit upon some idea, then out it comes all ugly and in my eyes imperfect. I want it formed.

Liz sits up in bed and turns to me as if she wants to say something. But she starts to shake, her shoulders hunched and her head hanging down towards her breasts. I want to turn away, to bring the sheet up over my head and hide in the dimness. I don’t want her to cry right now but hear her whimper as she struggles to hold it all back in side.

I shift and move towards her, reaching out to touch her smooth skin. She jerks down and away from me, the sobs coming stronger, shaking her body as she buries herself in the mound of pillows at the head of the bed.

I look desperately around. There must be some thing I can do to stop this. I want out. I want to get up and leave. But hold on, griping my hands in fists, digging the nails into the palms of my hands.

Where the hell is any of this going I think. How can I possibly see my way out of this? What does she want from me?

It all seems to tedious to me. So tiresome. In my head I am a king. A ruler of worlds. My vision is clear and I have no trouble translating this vision in to concrete reality in the world. In my head it is all so easy and real.

But out here. It is different. I rack myself. The tears want to come but I hold them back and feel a tension across my back begging for release. I want to take her in my arms and stroke her. Again when I go to touch her she ducks and pushes me away.

Re: Starlets

http://Ramsses.gaia.com — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 07:21:00 GMT

But that I am the Original One,
Sound asleep dreaming this Creation,
I would reveal myself the Lord of Bliss,
Unquenchable in His desire for Love.

Re: Dizzying December #4

http://sandrajensen.gaia.com — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 19:36:41 GMT

la... oh I'm so sorry.. I hope you feel better soon...I feel like I've been through 8 rounds of xmas... I'm so tired I can't believe it. Mothers go home tomorrow and we have the other two until the 30th...

Re: Dizzying December #4

http://sandrajensen.gaia.com — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 19:34:23 GMT

:-) Nono!!! I'll be crossing thumbs..

Re: Dizzying December #4

http://pz.gaia.com — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 14:16:01 GMT

For a Finn there's no real christmas whithout a clensing sauna bath. It was heavenly. I did lift up my feet and leaned backwards and just threw water on the hot stones over and over again. It was warm (hot), steamy and healing.

I think that I will soon have a date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The guy who sms:ed to me yesterday shows now a lot of interest. He is single, lives in this region of Sweden, runs a carwash, is 32 years old but likes older women (!!!???). He had found my telephonenumber in his old phone (yeah, right?!!! Coincidence?). He is chubby (just like me)...

Oh my god, I mean, is it possible to find love by sitting on my sofa? Obviously that can be arranged. Blows me away.

Of course I am not in love for heavens sake, I have not met him, just changed sms:es with him. I don't know how he looks really.

This is interesting :) Look what Santa pulled out.

Re: 12 Days Assignment

http://apfawcett.gaia.com — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 13:24:03 GMT

Day 8

Queen of Swords: The essence of air behaving as water, such as a refreshing mist: A person gifted with both keen logic and natural intuition, giving them uncanny powers of perception and insight. One who easily sees past deception and confusion to the heart of a matter, and understands both sides of any argument. The embodiment of calm, forthrightness, and wit, in the face of even the most trying circumstances.

How can I be calm. Calm in this firestorm of activity that is my brain or mind. Thoughts pop in and leave, each threatening me with dire warnings of what will happen if I do not take care of them right away. Each one seems to beg for attention, a wailing baby with shit in its’ diaper waiting, demanding to be changed.

How can I go any deeper when it is like this on the surface? How can I describe anything in any detail when it is all such a misty blur before my eyes. The mist will never clear of that I am certain. I will never see anything really clearly. Just repeat myself endlessly and twitter on about my feelings and how hurt I have been.

How can I possibly hope to find an interesting subject in all of this?

I break down and stop all of a sudden. The earth beneath my feet grips me and holds me, tying me to itself and never wanting to let me go. If I knew how I would lay a trick on it and turn myself to liquid. Then I could run down through the cracks in the dry earth and trickle through its’ small open spaces until I find other liquid much like myself.

But what nonsense I write. What rubbish.

I have no love for this world. No affection for the green fields, tall forests, endless oceans. I could leave it at a moments notice if the right, most enticing offer came along. I would gladly trade the steely tube of a space ship for the gritty grey city I see around myself daily.

But then perhaps I would miss something. Maybe it is this familiarity, the assumption that it will always be here that causes my contemptuous feeling towards the mother of us all.

Re: Dizzying December #4

http://quietlaughter.gaia.com — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 02:22:17 GMT

well home finally from round 1 of christmas, tomorrow is #2 and hopefully won't end as late. I'm beyond tired, sick again and annoyed which is not what I want to be feeling right now but whatever - gonna happen after waiting an hour and a half after dinner for brother-in-law's new girlfriend to show up so that the family can do presents. I'm going to need a glass of wine or ten before sleeping tonight! Sandra - the outtalking moms made me chuckle. glad that you had a good day xo Nono - I want a sauna too - that would be a wonderful thing. My stomach has been upside down since this morning - I am hoping wine will fix it. How cool about the homeless black cat... mine will NOT leave my side today no matter what I do... the pic is how close he had to be to me all day until we left for the inlaws house.

I hope that everyone has had wonderful days xo

anyway, I will sleep soon and feel better.. dammit!

Re: Dizzying December #4

http://sandrajensen.gaia.com — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 23:30:35 GMT

a christmas sauna bath???? I WANT one of those NOW!

Well, the day is finally over....the sick ones somewhat better... I'm exhausted and my ears are ringing (with the outtalking mothers). But it was a good day all in all.

time to drop into bed.
Much love everyone...

Re: NaNo Novelists: Activation - iii December 2009

http://pz.gaia.com — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 23:20:00 GMT

Merry continuing christmas to you all.

Soon, maybe tomorrow even, I will write on my nano novel. It will feel strange to go there again, but I long for it now.
I saw on Michaelsits FB that he is back in USA after his travels in Gobi, Mongolia, Smarakand, Ulanbathor etc. Now that will be really exciting to read about (I hope he will write about his experiences).

Good nite for now xo