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Five Day, Twenty Minutes, Temptation, Day one, Day two, Day three, Day four
First of all, my apologies for the length of this last part. It is of course MUCH longer then twenty minutes of writing. I just kept going until it was finished.
I have not posted this part earlier because I though it was horrible. I only typed it into my computer today. Should anybody of the dear souls, who read the earlier installments, want to see where this went, here it comes.
Temptation (Day 5)
Her body on the bed looked fragile and broken from where she looked down on it. Eleanor wasn’t surprised. Somehow this felt just right. She saw her own pale face, heard the soft beeping of the machine she was connected to somehow, saw tiny movements of shallow breath moving up and down ever so slightly. She was somewhere above, in the left corner of the ceiling, looking down into the otherwise empty, dark room. Eleanor saw a thin thread connecting her presence under the ceiling with her body on the bed, like an umbilical cord, only much thinner and less materialized. The moment Eleanor wondered what had brought her here, she knew. She saw the car coming out of nowhere, sawing rolling towards her in slow motion.
There were no headlights, she realized. They hadn’t put on the lights, the two young boys staring at her in shock and disbelief as they were about to hit her and knock her off her bike. Eleanor knew the guy in the passenger seat was drunk. That’s why he had let the younger one drive. The one who looked like a child.. He was fifteen. He’d thought there was nothing more to learn for him about how to drive a car, but as it turned out, he’d been wrong. Panic paralysed him when he the car rolling towards Eleanor when he took the curb a little too generously, relying on the streets being deserted at this time of night. He was too inexperienced to react accordingly, all he managed was step into the brakes, but the car was too fast and Eleanor too close.
Eleanor recalled that moment of shock when the car suddenly appeared before her and she knew she was going to get hit by it. She didn’t even have time to scream. She thought ‘No!’ and then the lights went out. Both boys watched her body crashing upon the hood of the car, hitting the windscreen and bouncing back into the street, where it hit the pavement like a rag doll. Eleanor watched the scene like watching a movie. She saw how she hit her head twice, once on the windshield, leaving a bloody smear that would haunt the younger boy’s nightmares for the rest of his life, and once when she crashed onto the pavement, hard. Even in her cool, unattached watcher’s position the sound of her scull cracking open almost made her shiver.
After a little while of speechless horror life returned into the boy behind the wheel. He backed up and passed Eleanor’s motionless body in a wide curve, then drove away. The drunk boy stared at her as the car passed her by. He didn’t say a word, his white face a mask of horror.
She drifted further away, up through the ceiling, into the night sky, the thread stretching further and further away from the dark, beeping room her body rested in. She knew she could go anywhere, any time, she could see it all if she wanted, what had been, what would be. She saw the younger boy growing older, and several possibilities of what would become of him. There were complex patterns of connections and consequences, some of his possibilities depending on her decision. She didn’t know what decision, but when she tried to see her own future self’s options, there was nothing. Did that mean she was going to die? So what was the decision about then? She kept rising up, higher and higher, her attention drawn to someone obviously waiting for her. Someone familiar and comforting, though she had no idea, who this someone was, but she knew, she was taken care of once more.
The appearance seemed to be not flesh and bone, but made from pure light, yet it’s shape was human.
“Welcome Eleanor. We have been looking forward to meeting you here.”
As soon as the appearance had said that, Eleanor realized there were many of them. She only could see them when she focussed on the space around and behind him.
“Where am I?”
She had not spoken the words aloud, she realized, just as he hadn’t. The words were simply there, in her consciousness, like a voiceless voice, and again she felt no surprise, just a certainty that everything was alright.
“You are where you have chosen to meet with us at this point of your life.”
The truth of his response resonated in her being. She looked at him, waiting for more.
“Are you ready to make your choice, Eleanor?”
His voiceless voice felt like a clear river, running steadily and deeply, cold and fresh, clear and with great power.
“I’m not sure I understand what this choice is about.”
The moment she said that Eleanor realized that this was not true. She had known it all her life. She had avoided this choice many times and in many ways throughout her whole life. She just hadn’t been aware of it in this way. She had always felt that there was still so much time. As if her real life would start whenever she was ready for it. As if this one had only been a trial version of what was yet to come. The appearance obviously could see through her and did not bother to respond, instead went on with certainty.
“Your moment has come, Eleanor. What will it be?”
“Can you advise me? What will happen if I don’t return?”
“Nothing will happen. You will not return. The lives of those around you will go on accordingly.”
“But what was this all about then? What will happen if I do return?”
Mumbling rose from the crowd of light appearances around them, and another one stepped forward, a softly curved female shape, radiating warmth from her pulsing heart centre.
“What will happen when you return will depend on you alone, Eleanor. This is the moment you have asked for when you chose this life that has been so full of pain.”
Eleanor vaguely started to remember bits and pieces now. Wasn’t there something she had been aching for to learn? She saw herself as a little girl, rigid with fear after her daddy had left. She saw her mother’s face turning to stone, heard her voice becoming sharp, felt her hands hard. Eleanor felt the little girls hunger, painful and desperate. Then she saw the older girl, kneeling in front of a toilet bowl. She saw her last days, her miserable life between fridge and bathroom, the restaurant, the few friends she had, her joylessness and despair, and she realized what choice it had been she had been wanting to make at this point.
“I don’t know how to do this.”
“You will not be alone”, the female appearance said.
“But you will have to make the first step. Always”, the male added.
Eleanor thought about that. She could see possible lives in her future now. She could go back and keep doing what she had been doing and end her life in misery next time, one way or another. But then, why bother? She might as well end it here and now, save herself the trouble and rather stay and unite. The moment she thought of unity she felt the connection, the infinite bliss, and staying in this presence was all she could possibly wish for. Then the soft, warm voice of the heart woman brought her back.
“This is something you can always return to. Forever. It has been your explicit desire to be sent into this particular life. Have you succeeded in what you wanted to accomplish yet?”
Eleanor let this resonate and looked into what had led up to this. What were her options if she went back? She could heal. She could learn to live life more fully. She could go beyond addiction and pain. There were task waiting for her to be done, there were people to be touched by her presence. She saw the possibility of a husband and children, she could have a career, a family, friends, a full life. She saw the boy who’d driven the car come to see her at the hospital, crying, begging her forgiveness. There were others, many others, she might or might not meet. There was so much, either way, she could gain.
“Does anything depend on my choice? Is there any importance to whether I do back or not?”
A soft breeze rose from the almost invisible crowd, it sounded like friendly laughter.
“Nothing at all,” the heart woman replied. “In the end, we will all be united. You choice is only about the experiences you’ve made in your human lifetime. It doesn’t matter at all.”
Eleanor felt complete freedom. What was there to go back for then? Why bother going through all of that pain and struggle that continuing her interrupted life would mean?
“Can I see all you can see?”
“No.” This time the male responded. “As long as you’re still connected to your earthly life, your capacity of access to your eternal soul is limited.”
“So can you tell me why I should bother to go back if nothing depends on it and it doesn’t make any difference?”
“Nobody said it doesn’t make any difference. For many lives it will make a huge difference which decision you make. We all carry the experiences we have made in our human lives forever in our soul. It is something you build upon during each human existence.”
The picture kept getting bigger and bigger with each word. Eleanor felt a growing understanding of what life was about. She could end this one here and now. But would she be satisfied with quitting here? Eternal bliss was only a heart beat away, yet she hesitated. Wouldn’t she rather want to go back and finish what she had started?
“How much time do I have for my decision?”
Another wave of bemusement rippled through the energy field behind her counterparts.
“As much as you need. We are beyond time here. You can go back or not whenever you are ready.”
“But again,” the female form added, “let me remind you that we will all be there for you, should you decide to go back. You are not alone in this. All you need to remember is to ask for support and guidance. You will never be alone. Remember.”
Eleanor nodded. She let her awareness spread and unite with the field as much as she could. Unity embraced her. She felt at home at last. What did she need to go back for when anything she’d ever craved was right here? All she had to do was cut the connection and let Eleanor’s human body down there fade away. But something kept her from doing so. She had chosen her fate for a reason. There was something she had wanted to learn, something she needed to go through. It had to do with getting through the dictatorship of pain and despair. She had wanted to learn to be there for others. She had not finished that task, on the contrary. She had hardly yet begun. In one way, it did not matter whether she succeeded or not. It wouldn’t make a difference to who she was when she united with the field. And yet, somehow it did matter. She could leave now, she could go into another life at another time, but it didn’t feel right. She saw now that she had had to come to this point to be able to realize that. It did matter whether she went back or not. It mattered for her. It would affect many lives either way. At last something shifted and she could feel a strong energy that was in the possibility of going back. There was so much to gain, so much to give and receive. It would make a difference to the world she was living in. It would make a difference to the stored experiences of the eternal soul. It didn’t matter either way, but there was a difference. She knew now what she had to do.
“Will I remember any of this when I return?”
The heart woman shook her head, smiling.
“Only the bit how you could see yourself from above. But you will go back with a sense of a life changing experience. That should do to start with.”
Eleanor nodded her approval.
“So it be,” she said.
One more time she united with the whole, then unity started fading and there was a strong pull bringing her back down with increasing force. It was like a plane crash and when she entered her body, it felt like every single bone had been broken into a million pieces. It would take a long time to put it back together.
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