Some guidance on breaking free from "want"

A quick disclaimer: I am only aware of the basics of Buddhist philosophy. I've read a couple books, listened to some podcasts, but haven't done much practicing. But from what I've learned/read so far it's the closest thing I've ever come across that reflects my personal view of life. That being said, I don't know enough to be confidant in the terms or anything. But I get the basic principles and ideas behind them and hope that's enough to be posting here…

I know that part of the Buddhist philosophy (and part of the Eight Fold Path?) is that a person shouldn't “want” certain things. Or let their mind obsess over desires. Specifically, in my case, the wanting of another person. The desire for them to reciprocate feelings that I feel, etc. I know it is unhealthy to be fixated on this, and it's getting to the point of distracting me from other things that need my attention, yet I can't seem to get away from the thoughts.

While driving home tonight it occured to me that perhaps there was something in Buddhism that could help me…

Any thoughts?


Thank you all…
Laura

Re: Some guidance on breaking free from "want"

Hi Laura,

I, too, am at the beginning of the path and have been working on my own issues of attachment. From what I understand, attachment, obsessing, fixation… result from our projecting good qualities onto or the exaggeration of the good qualities of a person, thing or experience. One way to address this is to do an 'equanimity' meditation. I am taking the Discovering Buddhism at Home course and there is an excellent equanimity meditation in Module 1. You can download it for free at this link - Mind & Potential - Meditation 2.

When I am troubled about something in particular, I visit Venerable Thubten Chodron's Audio Library and scan the Other Teachings section. One of the listings will strike a chord and then I listen to it. I always hear something helpful and often things I didn't expect. I have gotten great comfort from her teachings.

She wrote a book most recently titled Taming the Mind. In the first section she addresses our relationship with others. Here is an excerpt:

“Pop music and films present us with an idealistic view of man-woman relationships. If we take this as our example, we run into problems because we're searching for Mr. or Mrs. Perfect. Attachment makes us project qualities onto another person or exaggerate the good qualities he or she has, and we're caught in a whirlwind of excitement and romance.

Eventually the bubble pops. This happens not because we or the other person did something wrong, but because we had unrealistic expectations and didn't give the other person the space to be him or herself. Or, we may have had dreams of a perfect relationship free from disagreement. These fals expectations created by attachment only lead us to disappointment.

It's much better to be aware that the other person has both good qualities and weaknesses, and that the relationship will have ups and downs. Sometimes two people will be very close and at other times they won't be as close. This is natural, and we should expect it.

It's impossible for another person to fulfill us completely. Why? Because he or she has limitations, and our mind isn't constant. What we want and expect from another is subject to change.”

I hope that helps some.

Maddonni

Re: Some guidance on breaking free from "want"

Many non-Buddhists have the impression that with long practice the desires, the wants, disappear.  Some beginning students also have this expectation. Desires never disappear.  It is our attachment or clinging to them that does. 

Interestingly, just living a very long life can achieve the same benefit as years of youthful practice.  Folks over age 80 have reordered and simplified their life priorities.  Their desires are reduced and their concerns are transfered to children and other kin.  My father, who lived to 97, in his later years served as a great teacher because of this casting off of selfish desires. 

But for the rest of us, desires arise from biology, the marketplace, and the social politic. The entire universe operates on disharmony. The imbalance of forces, the valence, the potentials all are the engine of change and movement, of chemistry and transformation. We are still biological creatures, and although we can discover and break or willfully accept our social and cultural conditioning, there are limits to which desires can be eliminated.  Even the Dalai Lama admits to being biologically attracted to certain nuns but never follows those longings through because he is a Vajrayana monk. 

What our meditation and other practices can accomplish is to be attentive to our arising wants, allowing us to recognize their origin and establish their importance.  Very often we find some petty needs arise and then quickly dissolve, as some transient neurological impulse or mental bubble.  Moreover, with practice the thread of associations from these impulses, which compound and strengthen the desires, are shortened. All desires have an element of Future in them.  By focusing on the present, desires lose their power.  I encountered a useful simile for this.  Our impulses of desires are like a train leaving the station.  Different want-engines constantly leave the station, but with time they tow fewer cars, until only engines leave the station.

Thus, acknowledge your attraction to that mentioned person.  Determine whether it is inherently physiological, a social expectation, a Platonic ideal, a simple compatibility of interests or personality, or other origin. Question yourself.  Can you reach a point of equinimity that when this person enters your life, you respond “this is fine” and when this person leaves your life, you again can respond “this is fine”?   It is that old adage of “Be here now.”

Perhaps Dogen described the Buddhist path best:

Re: Some guidance on breaking free from "want"

Laura,
I can't claim to be free fro desire myself, nor do i have any great learning in Buddhist philosophy.  I am familiar with 'unwelcome,' feelings and thoughts which distract me in my practice and sometimes interfere with life in general.

The problem of struggling with our capricious desires is addressed throughout Indian philosophy and religion. in “Bhagavad Gita,” Krishna describes yoga as the way to achieve this liberation. Shakyamuni Buddha, in his first teaching taught that the world was full of suffering and that suffering was caused by desire. Buddha prescribed The Noble Eight-fold Path as the antidote for this 'thirst.' These eight practices, are further divided into more detailed actions.

Re: Some guidance on breaking free from "want"

*raises hand* Here's another budding Buddhist struggling with the “want” part of the philosophy. My husband and I have had long discussions on this in the car which basically have lead us no where.

I acknowledge that wants never go away, and I understand the notion that it's all about what you do with them. Living in the here and now, grounding yourself in the present, looking around you and really taking in the moment does dissipate the wants I find. But, and this is where much of the discussion with my husband stems from, what do you do with the notion of love?

If I were to let go of all wants and desires in life, reaching the point that the comings and goings of things in life “are fine” - wouldn't you live a very dispassionate life? I could never be “fine” with loved ones disappearing from my life. I want them to be in my life, stay with me, be there forever? Isn't that a desire also? If so, it's one I really do not want to let go of. I don't want to stop wanting my husband, my parents, my friends, family. It's something I cannot reconcile with.

Any advice on this one? Or is it just a misunderstanding of the Buddhist philosophy on my part?

Re: Some guidance on breaking free from "want"

Hey Wendy,

Your discussion with your husband reminded me of this sutra. You could be the king and queen and let the Buddha speak directly to you.

So there is a difference in using those around you to make yourself feel happy (I am not saying you are doing this) and loving all those around you regardless of what they give to you in exchange etc. From a Buddhist perspective, we learn about love from our families growing up but we are to grow and expand that love to encompass all beings. If we merely hold (cling) to the ones that are near and dear to us, all we will get will be sorrow in return for surely all will be taken from us in the end. But if we can love all unconditionally knowing that all suffer the same fate as we do then that compassioned wisdom tempers the suffering of that truth. We are kind and loving to all (not just our near and dear ones) because we know this is the only way to live life in accord with this truth.

love

e