More fibromyalgia, deformation, loneliness, despair, heartache

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 21:40:00 GMT

This is yet another cry for help or some kind of relief or insight. I have written plenty about my challenges on this site already. Usually I have to figure everything out on my own - trying to revearse the karma by reaching out doesn't seem to work. It's a very lonely friday evening, and my boyfriend in a distance relationship has not contacted me all day. We used to live together but it was a vey disturbing time. His son came to live with us because the mother was a mess, and she eventually killed herself. By that time I had already over-exhausted myself and was told to leave. Since childhood, I have a collapsed and severely deformed spine with relating fibromyalgic symptoms. I was burnt out from having fought for my rights all my life (and trying to make something of it despite the pain and the fatigue), and then the relationship brought up painful fears of rejection and doubts about my boyfriend's sincerety.

I went to live 2 hrs drive away. I was not doing ok during the time that I was alone, and then he came back into my life, eager to still hold on to me. His problems are having to take care of a difficult, traumatized child, and easily hurt feelings with bursts of anger that he is prone to. I do respect myself and think that I deserve more love and closeness, but I feel that I have not much choice than continue living alone as I have done most of my life (I'm not an easy person and I do have the health issues as well as insomnia), or stay with him. I am rather isolated where I live in a small town in small and drab country and with extremely little money. I do not know how to fix my life and find a happier way of existence.

My boyfriend went into a depression after x-mas, due to exhaustion and difficulties in sorting his private life out (unhappy with the job, with living in this country, etc). This has really triggered my feelings of abundement and rejection. I worked my anger out and reached a state of calm where I was trying not to pressurize him at all - which in my frenzy to control our lives and figuring out if he was right for me I have been doing. He's holding onto me and asking me to trust his love, yet he wants more and more freedom. I bet you in his grave he's still going to say, please wait for me, we'll be together in our next life, just have faith.

I've tried to fix my own problems but I am having trouble keeping the despair and the usual feelings of disappointment at bay. I can see this is my karma but I find it increasingly difficult to believe it will be resolved in a way that would be conducive to a better life in this lifetime. I'm already 40 and am starting to feel old and incabable of forever trying, trying, trying, always endlessly fixing myself. Sorry I didn't really want to pour all this out, as I'm really withdrawn into my shell right now. But I guess I have to give you the picture in case there is anybody out there who would empathize at all. I have been writing in my blog this month, but I'm afraid I'm a negative influence on other people who would prefer a happy stance and who think that problems are resolved if you just smile.

Gaia: E=MC² Energy Meditation & Prayers for those in Need - Tell your stories - More fibromyalgia, deformation, loneliness, despair, heartache

More fibromyalgia, deformation, loneliness, despair, heartache