The empty space

Since I stopped drinking a few months ago, I feel a great sense of loss.  Alcohol had been my best friend since I was 5 years old.  It took me away, that wonderful buzz of euphoria, bliss.  Life was fun, light & easy-going, anything was possible.  Without alcohol, I feel like I'm missing something.  When I see others drinking, I know what I'm missing.  This weekend was particularly challenging.  It was my daughter's 1st birthday, family and friends arrived to celebrate.  There was red wine and red stripe - two of my favorites.  My husband was about to pop the top on a beer and offer it to me but stopped, “Oh yeah, sorry, baby.”  I felt like I couldn't play along with everyone else.  I felt like I was being punished.  My mind is frantic trying to find something to pull me away from the desire, “Quick, find something else to do.  Ignore it and it will go away.”   I didn't drink, but I felt out of it,  wandering around looking for something that wasn't there.  I realized - I have nothing to replace the void once filled by alcohol.  Should I let the emptiness be? There's a hole and it seems to be widening.  It's dark and I don't like it.  It scares me.  What if it never goes away, how do I keep the emptiness from overwhelming me? 

Re: The empty space

since you asked, this is what i offer in this moment:

sit with your emptiness

welcome it

emptiness is your new companion, your emply slate and clear canvass upon which you will slowly grow new beauty form the essence of who you are.

befriend it

try not to go it alone, as they say. go to meetings, fill up with positive reinforcements, set yourself up to succeed on this path, your path, that has been waiting for you.

grieving this loss is a real need. create some ritual to say goodbye to alcohol. let it go.

i gave up tobacco and it was my one enduring friend throughout everything, all the tragedy and trauma. i had quit and only ‘chipped’ but then my friend got murdered and i picked up again for 3 years (organic and one a day or so)….it helped me cope. its only been a year without my old friend tobacco and i feel great without it. didnt think i woudl be able to go cold turkey and i did!..

just when i quit, i started a bikram yoga practice which has saved me in many ways, certainly its kept me from relapse…i recommend a new—or renewed in earnest–contemplative disciple that will work for you.

remember faith plus effort = wisdom. you can do this!

turn to us here anytime!

Re: The empty space

Hi Rogue
I have felt that way too.
I thought how can I ever have fun again.
But wait a minute I wasn't having fun any more.
My drinking started out that way but changed into some terrible times for me some I don't even remember.
I decided to change the way I looked at drinking, and think it through, some was fun sometimes but I didn't know what would happen after I started.
 I dont think of it as I quit drinking I just don't drink anymore allergic I guess.
 Sounds like your doing fine though, just some thoughts affecting your feelings.
If you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.
I like that, Wayne Dyer says that and I like the way he looks at things.
Hope this helps I really like your openess. I was only  helped  when I talked to someone and asked for help and tried to help someone else. We are all one and must be kind and help one another life is really beautiful and special.
 
Chuck

In retrospect....

This is one of the many reasons why I love the word.  When written, it serves as a record of the past that can be used in the present to build a better future.  Aaaah the cycle - it's so interesting. 
It's been a while since I've logged on.  Re-reading my last blog, (“Emptiness”) I sounded quite…..(pathetic? no -I'm trying to be nice to myself…..)……over-dramatic.  The truth is, I have plenty to fill the void.  I have my art, writing, TLC, my family, the beautiful outdoors, zaadz!  - all available anytime. My friends are around when I need'em, I have but to ask.  It's always within my control.  In fact, whether or not I choose to drink is one of very few things in my life that I can control.  I have enough to struggle with outside of myself, why create internal drama?  The pattern of thinking about drinking is so draining.  Should I? No.  Just one? No.  Not even wine? No.  This mentality feels like I'm arguing with my teenage daughter, the constant negotiator/manipulator.   
I look to my shadow to see how I can heal.  It tells me things.   I have a teenager living inside of me - she challenges authority, intentionally breaks the rules, does what she wants regardless of the consequences.  She's very dramatic - “It's  the end of the world, I'll never have fun again, this is so boring,  I hate you - you never let me do anything.”
I sigh.  Take a deep breath, then look her in the eyes and speak firmly.  “There is another  way to be in this world.  Give me a chance to show you.”  I imagine the teen would roll her eyes and say “whatever,” but she'd hear me.  At least we're still speaking.

Re: In retrospect....

Wow, beautiful, Rogue, and well said…i deal with my inner teen too and she is a trip as well. gotta love her!

Re: In retrospect....

I like the idea of the inner teen - it's given me something to work on. Mine is inthe throws of rejected love - her first ever. Yeah - she was married for 22 years, but that was not the same. She finally had and lost her first 'real” love in her 40's and she's not going down quietly about it.

Interesting concept…maybe that's the ticket for me. It's worth a try…I'll sit down and talk to her tonite…

Peace

the empty space

having sat  in locked psychiatric wards, receiving “treatment” for my “depression,” and buddying up with some of the “dual  diagnosis” soulmates there, i know firsthand that  “depression” often underlies addiction.  i know full well, also, that “depression” is sometimes a crude, medical catch-all for what can be better understood as spiritual crisis.  to coin the cliche, we're in the terrain of the “god-shaped hole” here, and there ain't no obsessive/compulsive relationship with any substance whatsoever gonna fill this void.

you are a mystic in waiting, rogue, aching to encounter and know the divine directly  – not in some after-world or some convoluted ascent into the sky of your mind, but here, now, just as you are, right where you are living, in whatever fashion this would be obvious and real for you.  and get this: the divine aches and longs right along with you, to enter your heart, right where you are.  the beloved waits for you now, aching to enter your life, just as you long to encounter directly and for real the sacred, forgiving, enlivening embrace.

among the works that lead me to “proof of faith” and a direct and real encounter with only “that” which fills the hole:

christina grof's, thirst for wholeness: attachment, addiction, and the spiritual path

zaadzster jeff mishlove interview with christina, here.

peace and wholeness!

Re: In retrospect....

I just wanted to recognize your courage in being here, and the insight you've demonstrated around your journey.

Have you thought that perhaps that emptiness doesn't need to be filled?

I've struggled with addiction in the past as well, and one of the things that's served me most is learning to accept and just be with the utter depth of that void. It is a little like having a loved one die, in that sense; nothing can possibly take their place, but there is something holy about this … that sense that some things are irreplacable and learning how to live and accept that is part of the amazing wonder of just being here on this planet.

Anyway. I'm glad you're still speaking to your inner teen. I loved your picture of her. Good luck, in any case, and congratulations for just being on this path.

Re: In retrospect....

That void you talk about Siona and Rogue - I've not conquered it.  I, too, have struggled with addiction and, frankly, I haven't beaten it.  I beat it - sometimes for a good while…and then I find myself repeating the same damn scenario.  I'm in a stage right now where I've got that feeling again - I've “got it licked.”  If nothing else, I've progressed spiritually in ways I couldn't have imagined a few months ago.  That said, I know I really haven't approached the void.  I always replace my void with something else.  Usually something more healthy.  I become an exercise nut, a health nut, I clean constantly, I try to be this perfect/balanced soul.  I've never been able to sit the alcohol down without replacing it IMMEDIATELY with other things and then overdoing them.  I tell myself I'm growing, living well.  And it's true.  When I put it down, I live like I've really got myself together, or so it seems to everyone. 

The void is not easily approached for long periods of time.  I become uncomfortable in quite a short period of time and have gotten used to preparing ahead of time to avoid it.  Just saying so makes me think more deeply about this.

Time away....

…and back again.  Progress.  Disappointment.  Re-evaluating.  Starting again.  Feeling new.  Watching what is getting old, and better able to let go.  Thankful God's giving me another day to keep trying to be…….whatever God is creating. 

How does failure appear to you?  Is it just a word?  What is it's meaning?