Finding Peace

I am new to Gaia. I have noticed that people tend to write things about their life in order to seek advice. I have had a few things weighing heavily on me and need to ask someone for their thoughts. The worst part of this is that I feel I know the correct answer to this problem, but I am simply not content with it. Perhaps you who read this will provide fresh insight, or even echo my own thoughts. I suppose it'll be relieving to find consensus.

I have been dating my amazing boyfriend for over two years. About a month and a half ago I moved in with him. We are moving toward the possibility of marriage, but we both are cautious and patient people. He is finishing up his masters program and I am applying for a masters program. We both want to be finished with our education and financially stable before we make any permanent decisions. I only mention this because I have never felt this way about anyone in my entire life. I have dated many people during my 26 years of life and have always balked from commitment. I have always been afraid to admit my love, for pain of it not being reciprocated. With the exception of being forceful and proposing to him myself (as I am more than ready to start the engagement process) I am an open book to him, as I have never been with any other.

I love him.

The problem is that I feel empty in my new place. The company I worked for (about 2 hours way from where we live now) was bought out by a national company, which allowed me to relocate and keep my benefits, seniority, etc in my job. It was a wonderful idea at the time. I want to keep stability at work until I manage to get myself back into school so that I have the option to obtain part-time hours and retain a good job record. Unfortunately, the move put me with a new manager and new co-workers.

My co-workers do not bother me but there is something about my manager, and even my assistant manger (though my co-workers don't seem to feel the same way I do) that rubs me the wrong way. Neither of them have ever been anything but respectful to me and are kind. I am not sure if it is them or the job. As the company changed, so did the approach to handling matters. It is like I am in a completely new place. There are new expectations, new goals and quite honestly, they do not mesh with my own.

There is something so wrong about it. What I am to do (sales) does not mesh with my own values. I know it seems silly, but I do not feel comfortable being a sales person. I am a support person. I enjoy providing a service, I enjoy assisting others and I enjoy being that person others go to for help. My bosses try to remind me that what I do is not pressuring people to purchase something, but fulfilling a need that they have. I have serious problems seeing it this way.

I know, I know– it's ridiculous to let something as simple as sales agitate me, but I cannot help it! Almost every day is a challenge for me. My heart feels heavy and I have to force myself to get to work. The only thing that gets me through is the fact that I make a fairly decent wage and I have become accustomed to the financial freedom I have. Still, money cannot buy happiness. We all know that.

The plot thickens, however, as I have been seriously considering going part-time and/or finding a different job. In order to get into the grad program I am interested in I need experience. I feel that volunteer work in the field will be an amazing help and it's something I really should do. Unfortunately my boss is untrustworthy. I have seen the way he has thrown co-workers under the bus and punishes them passive aggressively. I worry that if I request to go part-time that he will sacrifice my hours, give me unattainable goals and be generally unpleasant. I've seen him refuse to give specific days off and a number of other non-terrible things that add up to an unpleasant work experience.

The other problem is that my boyfriend is nearly complete with his graduate work. He is schedule to be finished at the end of this fall term and will hopefully be looking for employment around the new year. It seems immature and selfish to find a new job at this point. Not only will it possibly not solve my problem at all, but it would put my current and potential new employer in a bind. I don't feel comfortable with hopping in and then abandoning them.

The only solution I can come up with is to just suck it up. I should simply deal with the bed I've made. What's another 4-5 months? I figure if I stay at my full-time and focus I can save up some money so that when he finds a good job and we are in a more stable location I can spend the time to search for a job that will fulfill me and at the same time help me prepare for my future goals.

I feel all I can do now is meditate on the good things I have going on and hope that they will sustain me through the frustration. I know it's important to make lemonade out of lemons, but what if the lemons are too sour?

ps. I had no idea I would ramble on this much. It feels good to get it out. It's something I have only spoken to my boyfriend of obliquely as he already feels guilty, as if he is responsible for taking me away from my previous home and work that I adored. He's not responsible, I made the choice. I don't want him to feel worse for it all.

Re: Finding Peace

miriamele,

it's great that you took the time to write out all your feelings like this. i truly believe that if you continue to write and think, you will discover what you really want to do. i rarely give advice because i don't think that i can know what you need, only you know that. the comfort is that you really do know it, you just have to listen to yourself…

all the best in your voyage of discovery,

love,

nicole

Re: Finding Peace

Im not with Nicole on this one.  Communication is the key here.  Talk with the boyfriend about his advice…..not guilt.  Weigh those comments.  You need to ask him if you do go PT and the boss gets completely weird what would ya'lls next move be? etc…..If he and you feel that what could happen is not something ya'll could deal with then you have your answer for the next 4-5 months.  Then go in and talk with the manager and calmly and directly discuss your concerns.  You dont know if you dont ask and deal with him being a passive aggressive when and if it happens.  I also dont blame you at all about the sales ability partl.  You drive 2 hours to a job you hate and then are miserable to have to do something that goes against your core? I personally would only be able to go at max 4-5 months there only to be looking every day for another position closer to my home and one I enjoyed! I hope not to forward here, but it is how I feel. Have a strong week! and congrats on Love!

Re: Finding Peace

First, bdefalco, thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate it. I think that really, a lot of this is driven by fear and I just need to get over it. I know that after I formulate my thoughts a little better I will be able to discuss it with my boyfriend. I did talk to him about how I would really like to work toward my goals a little more and maybe go PT. He seemed okay with it, but was concerned we'd be strapped monitarily. So, there is that to seriously consider and weigh. As for talking to my boss, I shouldn't take what co-workers say, but it has seemed that he is very unbending and not helpful about things. In fact, one of my favorite people here is leaving because she just can't manage to get along with him, though she gets along with everyone else fine. Like I said, so far he has treated me mostly fine, so it's not really HIM, necessarily, just the job that I am doing. I am just worried his negative side will lash out if I try to pull myself away from the job.

Also, I apologize for being unclear. I do not live 2 hours away from my work, but I did move 2 hours to move in with the boyfriend and work at a new job (with the same company that bought my previous employer out). I suppose it was unnecessary to mention it as it just confused people. lol.

Re: Finding Peace

Have you considered getting a reading from an astrologer or tarot reader?

It seems your main worry is your boss' possible future reaction. Why waste your energy worrying about a possibility that may or may not come true? If you focus your energies completely on what you really want to do, that which brings you joy, the other bits will become less important or fall away completely.

Have the courage to dream big. You already know your calling is to serve in a supporting capacity - that's half the battle. Don't let your ego use fear-based excuses from letting your light shine. Keep focusing on getting where you truly want to be step by step. Let joy be your true north - and yes, do keep communicating with your bf about everything like the previous speaker said.

If he loves you as much as you love him, he'll support you fully in achieving your dream.

Oh dear… sorry for the sermon… about 90% of what I just wrote there was directed just as much at myself… I'm a bit older than you and have lived with all the 'what if' excuses for not doing what I'm truly here to do. You don't want end up like me :)

Best of luck with everything!

Re: Finding Peace

Aww Miriam, I just want to hug you. You're so cute! <3 I love when people take their personal experiences and try to use them as a lesson to help others. If the person is smart enough to listen they can avoid so much grief! So thank you for that!

You make a good point about considering tarot or astrology. See, it's funny, because I'm so interested in tarot (per our convos on the other pod) but I have never had someone do a reading for me and where I live doesn't provide many opportunities to find someone to do it for me. What is your experience with having it done online? I noticed on the tarot pod people offer to do readings, but I wonder if it works out as well as it could in person. As for doing it for myself, I feel I'm not knowledgeable enough to do a proper reading. Bummer.

Anyway, as you and the above poster said, you are right – I need to worry less about what others reactions are going to be and take care of myself. I also need to talk to my bf about it. I know he will be fine but he was really agonizing over the fact that moving was a tough thing for me. He knows I made sacrifices and it's been tough convincing him that it is absolutely worth it to me. Putting up with this job for a few more months is worth it to me… even if it's heavy on my heart.

Re: Finding Peace

You should be able to find good, reliable readers through the ATA (American Tarot Association) website. These readers will all have been vetted. I believe you can also get a free reading from there. Same goes for TABI (Tarot Association of the British Isles).Another good resource for tarot-related questions would be www.aeclectic.net 

 Perhaps, ultimately, finding peace is all about realising that peace is never found in doing. Once we've had the experience of reconnecting with the Source of our being here on earth, and once we realise that we are always welcome to return and rest there, it becomes more about being and less about doing.

Just be your own wonderful, compassionate God-Light Self in the NOW. The rest is small stuff. Besides, all is love anyway.

Peace

Miriam

Re: Finding Peace

Well first off, your situation is not uncommon.  Unfortunately I am in a similiar boat.  But, luckily you have someone who loves you, and cares for you.  Before I was let go from my previous employer, I hated to go to work too.  Yet, I gained more positive insight when I viewed my job differently.  Just because your boss wants you to view work a certain way, doesn't mean that you can't choose to view it your way.  In all walks of life we have to do things that we may not want to do.  However, those jobs strengthen our character as individuals, and prepares us for the future.  Ultimately life is what you make it, and the key is in how you view it!

Re: Finding Peace

That's so true, Stephanie. I know I need to maybe just accept the situation I am in and do what I can to make the best of it. I know that perspective and how you approach things really do make a difference, don't they?

Thansks for your input. Sometimes we need reminders to think positively!

Re: Finding Peace

Wow,  you really have a lot on your plate don't you.  Living with someone is a big adjustment in itself, let alone being thrown into the position of having to deal with entirely new supervisors and working at a job that is not fulfilling.

I must ask at this point (I know this a bit blunt, but that is me) who is paying the bills in your house?  Are you the one responsible for all of them while your boyfriend gets his degree? 

I only ask this because the answer allows other options.  How much money do you make doing a job you don't like?  Have you explored your options in other fields where helping is present, (you mentioned you would like to be a supporting influence to others) such as job searches, investigating career posibilities, worked out the math for what you really need to live?

I know it is really hard to stick it out at a place where you don't feel at all welcome, let alone appreciated.  But you must also be aware of the possibility of resentment towards your boyfriend as you continue to feel pressured to sell stuff to people….

I guess the only real suggestion I can offer is to look closely into your opportunities, keep an open mind about what you will accept, (there is stuff you can do without a Master's degree) and hang in there.  Venting is a really good way to feel better.

Oh and about your boss, maybe you should stop looking for all the bad that has happened to other people, and just try to be nice to him….even if it hurts.  That will make you feel a whole lot better about yourself and help relieve a tiny bit of emptyness.

frances

Re: Finding Peace

Oh finances! This is where things get sticky. I am “technically” the sole provider, however, he does bring in some amount of income with campus work and student loans. For instance, he was getting by taking care of his bills before I came along, however things were very tight. Losing income could be difficult on us… and of course my job is commision based, which means I do tend to make a decent penny and it's that ole struggle with becoming used to a cetain living style. I'm pretty materialistic, which doesn't help. *sighs* I need to get over THAT one, especially if I want to do something I enjoy more, but pays less.

I really am doing my best to be positive and I am never rude or disrepectful to him. I refuse to go to that level, but it still makes me feel uncomfortable inside. Either way, I think with the insight and thoughts everyone has shared, as well as my own considerations, I've  come to the conclusion that I'm going to stay where I am at. I figure if I stick it out and use this time to keep an eye out for opportunities I would like more I will be better off.

Thatnks again for your thoughts!