Deprogamming the inner social conditioning of fear of who we are

I will start this discussion with a personal reflection. Since 12 I have been spiritual and have studied what is called “alternative spirituality” but what we all know is simply spirituality and faith. I started with paganism then Buddhism etc. I have set my story out elsewhere to read on my blog but will just say here that I have had a spiritually and socially open view since a very young age. I thought how could God or a Supreme Being condemn anyone to burn in a fiery eternal hell for seemingly small transgressions or worshipping him/her in different ways. My parents were open to my spiritual searching or at least my mother was despite being Methodist and fairly traditional Protestant, and my more spiritually conscious mother never tried to lecture me though she always wanted to make sure I felt like I was “saved” and believed in Jesus Christ as my personal saviour. Years later my Hindu teacher, Mata Amritanandamayi, would actually restore my personal faith and admiration in Jesus Christ.

When I became gay I felt as if it was simply part of who I was, and I was fairly accepting without the more  typical at least social fear or self-esteem issues. Though I still had a religious fear at times that would come over me sometimes, I was not so afraid of going to hell at that time but if what I was doing was unclean or spiritually impure. It did not help that most religions, even Buddhism I read, were often somehow condemning of homosexuality at least according to some denominations of the various religions.

Even today, even now, I sometimes have a sudden fear or doubt that “I hope who I am is not wrong, what if all these religions are right and somehow being homosexual is wrong, spiritually unclean, or wost yet will send someone into a karmic hell.” Despite being fully open, mostly fully accepting of who I am, and in my more spiritual moods feeling divinely loved and having had spiritual experiences.

It is something that can be expected, I know, but one day I just want to be free of it. I know what it is though, it is the deep social programming of society. It is similar in how I am trying to deal with my own materialism and overconsumption.

Any reflections or thoughts?

Re: Deprogamming the inner social conditioning of fear of who we

Hope I did not get too personal there, but would love some discussion :)

Re: Deprogamming the inner social conditioning of fear of who we

As someone who grew up in a deeply Pentecostal family, I definitely question it sometimes. I am a member of a local mothers forum, and let me tell you… Midwestern mothers can be scary! There are frequent discussions/debates over religion, spirituality, politics, etc.  It reminds me of growing up in the church, and I can perfectly picture how they feel about my beliefs and practices, namely how misguided and hell-bound I am. I felt that way about people living secular lives when I was growing up. I do question my choice. I don't see that as a bad thing, though. Even Christians have no guarantee that they are right. They're believing on faith. For those of us who have looked at other religions, that's harder. We've searched for one that fits an idea we already have of the world instead of defining the world through our religion. It's hard for us to take things on faith. Unfortunately, that's all we can do. Believe what you feel in your heart is right. Don't worry if you doubt it sometimes.

The world is all about balance. Your homosexuality is balancing something else out there. :)

Re: Deprogamming the inner social conditioning of fear of who we

Each of us must find our own path.  Most often, it is not the same path as our parents or community.  On a different path, we find others who share our worldview.  They, in essence, become our spiritual family instead of biological ffamily.  Yes, it is a differnet way of thinking than how many of us were brought up.