Gaia: Coming Out

Re: QOTW: When you came out, whose reaction surprised you the mos

http://jjs1952.gaia.com — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 12:46:09 GMT

Good gosh! That was so loong ago! Most likely myself, the fear I had may have had, yet I pursued relations while in the Air Force. I had to keep redifining myself in each situation.

Or maybe my soon to be ex-wife's inability to cope with my honesty and need to be free of that relationship...

Re: QOTW: When you came out, whose reaction surprised you the mos

http://markbukator.gaia.com — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 20:21:43 GMT

I would have to say MY OWN. Each time I am confronted or have chosen to tell someone brings about a totally new understanding of myself. New behaviors and patterns emerge and a new me comes to the surface.

- Mark -

QOTW: When you came out, whose reaction surprised you the most?

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 11:59:23 GMT

For me, my Dad's very compassionate and understanding reaction was the biggest surprise. He was in the marines, had a career as a firefighter, and was far from in touch with his feminine side. :) It was such a pleasant experience coming out to him.

Re: QOTW - Since coming out, how often have you hidden your true

http://jjs1952.gaia.com — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 13:14:28 GMT

Thank you for your questions and your desire to share this story, this part of you...

The questions we may need to ask our self is, "who are we hiding from" "what are we hiding from"?

Fear walks with us on this path. I allow the process to unfold now! I am me first, myself. I don't have to announce that I am gay first to clear the air or the room or to attract attention anymore. I allow people to create their own opinion of who I am from their perception of their need for me to be something other then I may be...

Straight person does not walk in a room and announce his sexuality, and why should they! Is it right for me to assume someone is something or that they just are a person I wish to spend time with.

If asked I tell, if not ask I do not offer unless I feel comfortable about sharing this part of my life. Just as person who is HIV or has been abused or in jail... is this who this person is... does this fact make me any more special or less...

I am not sure that I am answering your questions and only stating more...

If you have not seen or read the post about John Burnsides a gay elder and activist and longtime partner of Harry Hay please check out my blog a few days ago or the other gay pods here...

I think you will be inspired, informed, and thrilled that you have read these stories.

I am Love, Jeff

QOTW - Since coming out, how often have you hidden your true self

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 12:20:59 GMT

With another famous "Outing" in the news this week, it brings up old habits of "hiding" my sexual orientation - even after I came out of the closet. I believe that everyone has their own path and makes judgements about who and how they should find out about that part of ourselves. What has been your experience?

Re: QOTW: What was your greatest fear about coming out?

http://spaced-out.gaia.com — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 03:39:27 GMT

My greatest fear abut coming out was, how would I be when I am older? I understand that if you declare something like that publically, you really have to stick with it. Now, that I feel more comfortable with accepting my homosexuality, I can help others to do the same. I mean, I am not the regualr gay guy, but mor of the free minded individual that is open to having kids when he is older, and love the growing old aspect. But I do not think, right now I am ready to commit being gay, all my life. I think it is more of a tool for me to use as a was to understand the over all meaning of love. There is some characteristics of me that I enjoy, of being gay, and those are the simple bonding that I have with females, and the understanding of pure love. I am more sensitive to understanding the human emotion.

Re: QOTW: What was your greatest fear about coming out?

http://elisaspot.gaia.com — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 12:40:17 GMT

Thank you for sharing that and answering me.

Re: QOTW: What was your greatest fear about coming out?

http://markbukator.gaia.com — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 03:42:08 GMT

It was part of my upbringing. Although my parents may have had a loving intent they expressed their doubts in me often.

I have a brother who is a year and half older than me. He would skip school to go smoke up on the railway tracks. I had five jobs when I left high school. Two of them were my own businesses, but it was I that was the disappointment in the family. They knew I was gay even before I did and their disdain showed.

I owned a Lottery Center. It was third busiest store in the entire Niagara Region. My parents would say things like, "What are you going to do when you grow up? Run a LOTTERY CENTER?"

Meanwhile, my brother had no job.

In grade seven or eight I came home with a project that I had started in woodworking. They looked at it, admired it and then said, "That is really nice, but you will NEVER finishit. You never finish ANYTHING."

Of course I never finished it. After that, who would?

If parents only understood that children strive to PLEASE their parents in everything that they do. Good or bad, right or wrong teh ATTEMPT and INTENT is there and when the parents send adverse signals and reactions, the child gets mixed signals. The child takes the blame and carries guilt for decades and even a lifetime.

I understand that I suffered minimal physical abuses from my parents, but a host of physical abuses from my brother. My parents offered more psychological abuses and neglected to notice or pay attention to the physical abuses that I suffered by my brother.

I was sent to hospital 13 times as a result od my brother's abuse, but no one stepped in. No one pretected me. No one called childrens aid. "Boys will be boys"... fucking BULLSHIT!

I have yet to meet anyone who has suffered as much by their brother or sister than I have. My brother used to rally his friends together to assault me, tie me up or punch me out, even when he wasn't there. Most brothers protected their siblings in public, even if they ridiculed them privately.

By the age of ten I started carrying around hand cuff keys... Just in case. I had been tied to trees and abandoned. Hog tied and left to my own defences. I learned to be an escape artist by the age of nine.

Ironaically enough, my brother and I love each other and although we don't see each other much, we care about each other. He changed after he had his first child.

My Mom is loving and compassionate. My Dad... Step-Dad however is NOT. It is in his eyes that I feel shame... although I understand that it is really now in MY eyes.

- Mark -

Re: QOTW: What was your greatest fear about coming out?

http://elisaspot.gaia.com — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 13:42:46 GMT

Please how do you feel you got that way? Feeling I mean? Before anyone ever said anything to you?

Re: QOTW: What was your greatest fear about coming out?

http://markbukator.gaia.com — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 02:44:34 GMT

My biggest fear was that of my parents, especially my father. I felt that I was a disgrace, a let-down and that I should be ashamed of whom and what I was/am.

- Mark -

Re: Welcome

http://jjs1952.gaia.com — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 14:21:38 GMT

Thanks I have not introduced my self but just go to my site and you and read all you need to know.

I will share about my coming out experiences in time. I am in the midst of writing a paper for Literature class....

Just wanted to not just be a lurker!

I am Love, Jeff

Re: Welcome

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 13:57:22 GMT

Welcome Mark and Jeff! I look forward to some good discussions!

Re: QOTW: What was your greatest fear about coming out?

http://elisaspot.gaia.com — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 11:35:59 GMT

I never had one. I figured who I had sex with and the details were my own business. I find that people balk the most over having to think of details that turn them off soooo badly they tend to revolt. I did my thing, no one asked. During one of my more vocal periods if someone decided to speak and ask a question in a sneering sort of tone, I saw the fear and the anger over their being curious and I said well hmmm describe the positions you like best with your partner and the thing he does to you that turns you on best. Often the response was shock, other times it's dismay because they are stuck in bad sex and cannot or do not know their own bodies enough to ask for more. Sometimes they said well!!! that's none of your business i dont' have sex in public. My answer is, neither do I. So, don't ask me to.

elisa

QOTW: What was your greatest fear about coming out?

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 09:21:00 GMT

My greatest fear about coming out was that I was going to be alone and regret my decision. When I came out I had not yet been in a gay relationship, had gay sex, or even had a gay friend. I was about to give up my marriage, my Church, my friends for something that I was not sure was right for me.

What was your greatest fear about coming out?

Re: QOTW: Who was the first person you came out to and why?

http://markbukator.gaia.com — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 13:33:55 GMT

Good Question. I don't really remember who the first person was. The first family member that I came out to was a lesbian aunt that I am very close to.

Also, I had a good female friend that I went travelling through Europe with. Just before we left Canada she forced it out of me which made me feel really uncomfortable. It was proved that we were not good travelling companions and we fought a lot. After a week and a half we were at each other's throats. I was glad to part company with her in the Netherlands near the end of my three week stint abroad. She stayed for another year. Our friendship never did recover.

- Mark -

Re: QOTW: Who was the first person you came out to and why?

http://elisaspot.gaia.com — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 11:16:06 GMT

My partner, the only person that counts in knowing my sexual preferences and activities.

QOTW: Who was the first person you came out to and why?

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 08:06:55 GMT

The first person I came out to in my mid twenties was my then wife. I came out to her because I believed that she deserved to know the truth first and because she was my best friend.

Re: QOTW: Should a teen come out to his parents?

http://markbukator.gaia.com — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 01:17:59 GMT

That is a difficult question, because each situation is unique. Some families are supportive and others are not. There are so many variables that I feel that each situation needs to be addressed individually.

- Mark -

Re: QOTW: Should a teen come out to his parents?

http://elisaspot.gaia.com — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 11:23:56 GMT

It's individual not a universal decision and carries an implied should. Perhaps a better direction to take this would be...in changing the perception that a child must be relationship focused before being out of high school. It is very rare that any of these 'relationships' survive school. They add pressures and limits of NOW NOW NOW to children. They foster the idea that partnering off is of the greatest value and that there is something wrong when/if this does not happen.

QOTW: Should a teen come out to his parents?

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 09:29:31 GMT

I am starting a Question of the Week segment to collect some thoughts and ideas on various "Coming Out" topics. This week I wondered what you all thought about a teenager who knows he/she is gay, but doesn't think they have "what it takes" to come out to them. Is it safer or better to come out after they have moved out of the house? How would you advise them?