Neediness...

I very dear friend of mine who is truly one of the lights of the world has gone through a very trying break-up recently. I admire her for so many reasons; one of which is how she's so aware of her personal boundaries and her needs.

However, like so many of us, she can be so hard on her self. Today she said something to the extent of  “my neediness drove him away.”

That made me wonder about being needy. I know some folks who really challenge me with their incessant neediness. I also know that we can all be needy from time to time.

I guess my big question is, if in love with some one, can we - or even should we - be able to welcome our partner's neediness? Out of our deep love for our partner, should we be able to overcome the neediness? Should it be something that, with love, we can grow through?

I absolutely recognize that there can be serious insecurities that might require professional counseling in order to work through. If in that case, can loving some one be enough to want to be with them through that work?

Re: Neediness...

I have found that being needed by someone you love is a wonderful thing.  Knowing that they look forward to your advice or companionship is a joy ( a warm fuzzy).  However, to me, there is a difference between needing someone and being needy.  Being needy is giving away your personal power to someone else, like not being able to make a decision without your partners okay.  Not big decisions, mind you, but small ones.  I went to school with a woman who couldn't go to a store without asking her husband if it was a good idea.  This to me is neediness.  It is the flip side of the control freak.  Although neediness is a form of control in my eyes.  I think it can be very trying to the partner of someone so needy.  At first it seems like he or she needs you and that is nice but after a time it becomes more and more frustrating. 

I think that when you love someone you celebrate her/his independence and strength.  I feel that a relationship is healthy and loving when the two respect each other as equal contributors not as master and slave.

Can we work through it?  I don't know.  It would be a lot of hard work.  Where I work I see a lot of needy people (drug addicts, homeless, etc.) and most if not all, women especially, have been brought up being told they are nothing without a man, they are worthless, etc.   Some people never grow out of being needy some do. 

Peace

Re: Neediness...

Romiy, I so very deeply agree with this…
“Being needy is giving away your personal power to someone else,…”

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I find them very in sync with the way I feel about needy and need.

Re: Neediness...

Here I go again stirring up thougts on “neediness”  :)

This is something my partner and I have gone through individually and collectively, so what follows are my thoughts along the way.

1) Needs are real. Our needs should be evaluated to seperate true needs from “wants” masquerading as “needs”.

2) No one else is responsible for fulfililng our needs. To expect them to do so is “harmful” to them as a person, and disempowering for us. If we chronically turn without for an answer to our problems and “needs”, we fail to notice that we are already capable of fulfilling our own desires, and excercising the power to do so. We can never find our strength if we don't go looking for it. Yes- I realize this can be a scary thing to wrap your head around, and can even have the side effect of making one feel very alone and defenseless. But that's a good thing, because it is a sign that we are on the verge of a breakthrough about our personal power. We are about to become our own best friend and “savior”!

3) When we “expect” someone else to take care of our needs, we rob them of the ability to do it “because they want to” - to make it a gift that shows thier caring for us. We limit thier ability to express love on thier own terms. This sometimes leads to “hollow giving” making those on either end feel lack of positive emotion behind it all. This can actually exacerbate the feel of neediness and cause us to sense (and fear!) that something is wrong with that equation.

4) This is a hard one for us givers: If you have a need, you must speak. For example. If I am having a hectic day and I need my husband to fix dinner or something - I can't blame him for not doing it if I never ask and make my need known (directly, not by implying it which does not carry half the respect of direct communication) Saying “Honey, would you make dinner tonight? I still have a million things to do tonight and I'm running out of time!” Makes him aware of my need, gives him the oppertunity to evaluate his own needs as part of the equation, and if he does decide to make dinner, to do so as a gift of love to me - making it rewarding (not hollow!) for both of us and deepening our connection. Of course, if he evaluates his needs and decides he can't give me his support right then, then I will still have to work it out and make dinner. Knowing that he will give me his support when he can.

5) “Neediness” is about fear and lack of trust in yourself and in others. It is destructive and dis-respectful to all involved - in the end. Needs are about self-care and self-responsibility.

If you feel there are “neediness” issues the best place to start your healing is to work on Trust.  And as is often the case with “givers” and ” caretakers” with taking the reponsibilty to respectfully and directly communicate what your needs and feelings are without projecting the idea that someone else is ultimately responsible for them.

The X-Neediness Queen,
Mercale