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Here I go again stirring up thougts on “neediness” :)
This is something my partner and I have gone through individually and collectively, so what follows are my thoughts along the way.
1) Needs are real. Our needs should be evaluated to seperate true needs from “wants” masquerading as “needs”.
2) No one else is responsible for fulfililng our needs. To expect them to do so is “harmful” to them as a person, and disempowering for us. If we chronically turn without for an answer to our problems and “needs”, we fail to notice that we are already capable of fulfilling our own desires, and excercising the power to do so. We can never find our strength if we don't go looking for it. Yes- I realize this can be a scary thing to wrap your head around, and can even have the side effect of making one feel very alone and defenseless. But that's a good thing, because it is a sign that we are on the verge of a breakthrough about our personal power. We are about to become our own best friend and “savior”!
3) When we “expect” someone else to take care of our needs, we rob them of the ability to do it “because they want to” - to make it a gift that shows thier caring for us. We limit thier ability to express love on thier own terms. This sometimes leads to “hollow giving” making those on either end feel lack of positive emotion behind it all. This can actually exacerbate the feel of neediness and cause us to sense (and fear!) that something is wrong with that equation.
4) This is a hard one for us givers: If you have a need, you must speak. For example. If I am having a hectic day and I need my husband to fix dinner or something - I can't blame him for not doing it if I never ask and make my need known (directly, not by implying it which does not carry half the respect of direct communication) Saying “Honey, would you make dinner tonight? I still have a million things to do tonight and I'm running out of time!” Makes him aware of my need, gives him the oppertunity to evaluate his own needs as part of the equation, and if he does decide to make dinner, to do so as a gift of love to me - making it rewarding (not hollow!) for both of us and deepening our connection. Of course, if he evaluates his needs and decides he can't give me his support right then, then I will still have to work it out and make dinner. Knowing that he will give me his support when he can.
5) “Neediness” is about fear and lack of trust in yourself and in others. It is destructive and dis-respectful to all involved - in the end. Needs are about self-care and self-responsibility.
If you feel there are “neediness” issues the best place to start your healing is to work on Trust. And as is often the case with “givers” and ” caretakers” with taking the reponsibilty to respectfully and directly communicate what your needs and feelings are without projecting the idea that someone else is ultimately responsible for them.
The X-Neediness Queen,
Mercale
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