Unsettled

Here I am, sitting at this campfire on the beach. Thanks so much for being here with me, while we listen to the song of winds and water and the crackling of the fire. So good to feel the warmth and comfort of the fire.

There are things a might as well feed to the fire here on the beach. For a long time now I have known a move was inevitable. My family and I have lived in paradise (in a sprawling, wooded area on Long Island's North Shore) for many wonderful years. While my husband still strongly feels he has to sing this one out here, I am ready to move on. Thankfully my husband does appreciate this. I'm preparing to move back to the Netherlands, with our two youngest sons. My oldest son has chosen to stay here with his dad for another year.

Going fearward here, my husband's support is hard to find. Financially that is. I've turned down quite a few neurofeedback clients because I intend to move by the end of next month. So there is anger and resentment here. It is old and very unattractive, and it is definitely not mine. Throwing it in the fire to return it to its original perfection. And then there is the fear of not having enough funds to do this move 'properly'. Throwing fear and the belief that defines what is 'proper' in the fire so it may return to its original perfection.

I intend to make our move as effortless and smooth as possible. Assistance is available here in the US as well as in the Netherlands. Financial, physical, emotional and spiritual support is at my disposal.

I intend to give away and dispose of all unnecessary items so I can travel light, and artfully create the living space I desire. It is already there. It is aestetically pleasing, has plenty of storage and living space, is culturally rich, child friendly and within walking distance to soothing natural surroundings. I intend to find work I can wholeheartedly do as an expression of love. It is already there. It provides plenty of rewards, including an excellent salary and bonuses. I intend to continue to be a guiding and loving presence for my children. I intend to have a government subsedized guest mother available for my family during times I have to work or study. She is already there. She is  dependable, loving, has a great sense of humor, and her childrearing methods are gentle, kind, nurturing and firm. She is fluent in Dutch and English. I can almost smell her divine cooking already. She is someone who respects boundaries and who fits perfectly in our fluctuating family structure.
I intend to have Max (8) enrolled in the school where he is most nurtured, easily befriended and celebrated, where he can enjoy learning processes to his heart's content and where he can effortlessly learn Dutch as a second language in such a way that it might as well have been his first language. I intend the same for Benji (who is turning 3 on July 2). He and Max will spend Wednesday afternoons with Oma (grandma). I intend to spend at least one weekday with Benji where he will not have to go to school.

My heart aches at the idea of having to miss much of my oldest son, Yannick who is about to turn 15. Feeding the ache to the fire to return it to its original perfection. Just as I have against many odds found ways to connect in loving kindness with this rebel, who came through me in a storm, I intend to find ways to connect, and find funds to either visit or send him a ticket. I intend to arrange for Yannick to start 11th Grade at the international school in Eindhoven, the Netherlands. Opportunities await him there to connect with peers from 45 different nations. Though he can continue his classes in English support is available to learn Dutch.

I intend to leave the door open for my husband Joe, to visit as often as he wants to, and to explore possibilities to reconnect as a veritable couple. Throwing in the fire my beliefs as to what the ideal 'veritable' couple looks like to return them to their original perfection. I trust there is, has always been, and always will be a mutual love between us. We have been through worse.

I intend to have time to relax, meditate and play, meet the people I can joyfully connect and share with. They are already there. Some I have yet to meet, and many are family and old friends.

I am thankful for this space, and for your presence here as we sit huddled around the campfire. I feel heard. Thank you.

Namaste,
Nell ;-)

Re: Unsettled

Thank you for sharing all this, Nell, providing us such a good example while expressing what you needed to for yourself.

These upheavals, especially in living arrangements, are epidemic these days amongst spiritually conscious people. I see your life in that context, which means the whole thing is for the optimum life for all concerned.

Re your new life: So be it. It is done. It is real. With you, I rejoice, appreciate, celebrate, accept, and allow.

Hugs, OM Bastet

Re: Unsettled

Dear Nell, your courage, the clarity of thought that has led to such clear intentions, and your friendship in opening up and sharing with us, these intense times you are going through…thank you for them all. I sit with you at the campfire, and as we gaze into the fire, see the burning of dross to bring gold.

This may resonate.Activation of the Butterfly Heart

Re: Unsettled

Dear Om and Meenakshi,

Thanks so much for your supportive and loving presence here. It means a lot more than words can even express. Thanks for the link, Meenakshi. I have a feeling it does resonate. Since it's a long read, I'm saving it for this evening.

Hugs,
Nell ;-o

Re: Unsettled

Meenakshi, dear one,

Claudia (my quintessential mom Ta's magnificent Maccaw) and I had an exchange recently, in which she showed me that my heart had wings. The picture I received from Claudia much resembles the lightworker and mercaba pictures as described by Aluna Joy. At the time I did not quite understand the context of it, yet trusted it would come to me. It just did. Amazing. Thank you!!!

Re: Unsettled

Nell, I've been looking for a depiction of the heart with wings…and here the universe you have answered my call! Thank you for this very special message [now if I could request you to fly over the TPOL and post it there too? pretty please?]