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I recently had one of those doozy kinds of an event to cause considerable contemplation. My 6 yr old is a very high maintenance and high energy kid, has been since birth. And the birth of his little brother has added as many stresses as it has added joy and companionship and opportunities for nurturing to my older son's life. Once the baby reached about a yr or so old, it became obvious that we really needed to do some family rebalancing. Dad had done a great job of seeing to it that the older boy felt no loss of attention overall due to the birth of his sibling but that meant dad had less time with the new baby than he had with the first child, and mom carried most of the infant care burden/joy, even though this had been shared to a greater extent previously.
So, when the baby got old enough, dad spent more time with him and mom more time with the older boy. However, my (being the mom) relationship with the older boy has been difficult for a long time, and seeing that it was headed in a bad direction, one that I definitely did not want to see it go in, I have worked very hard for over a year to turn that around and do feel I have made some progress in that regard but it is slow, like clean water dripping in a dirty glass.
We recently had a incident. He was in the library, which is also where the kids clothes are stored on top of a dresser for convenience and in this room is also a futon and a portable DVD player, where one of the children can watch something different from what is playing in the main room, if they choose. We live in a small farmhouse with one big main room besides this library. In the main room is our work area (we work at home), the kid's play area and our beds as well as the main entertainment (DVD, VCR, CD, etc) viewing space.
The older boy is on a Jurrasic Park binge and at the moment is watching #2 The Lost World. He likes the meat eaters and so the lead in at the beginning moves pretty slow for him. He wanted to FF to his favorite part and I had promised I would stop working when he got there and watch it with him. He is a very restless, energetic person and I suppose he got bored waiting for it to get there and excitement at what he wanted to watch was also building up energy in him. He took the unfolded clothes from a basket and hid them in a difficult to access place and then started unloading his clothes from the dresser into the same place. It was only later that I realized he had stopped short of unloading the baby's clothes except a pkg of diapers, the baby's socks and perhaps some t-shirts that had been the older boy's previously and that he may not have realized he had outgrown.
This is a kid who needs almost constant one-one-one interaction with another person. Since both my dh and I are somewhat reclusive, comfortable with our own company, his constant need for attention can be tiring and is part of what encouraged us to have a 2nd child (although, actually we were ready to do so the moment the first was born and so it was by far not our only motivation). Anyway, even though he can dress himself, he usually prefers I “help” him but really it is a game with him and he challenges my patience with it, most of the time to the extent that sometimes I just walk off and tell him to do it himself, if he can't cooperate with my assistance.
We are also very casual about getting dressed in the morning and may remain in PJs rather late. Anyway, he comes to me while I'm working and says “Mom, I want to get dressed, get some clothes out for me”. Of course, I am thrilled he is being self-starting in this regard and happy to do so (and he was counting on that reaction, at least subconsciously, I suspect). As I go for the clothes, he runs out of doors taking his little brother with him for he knows the “Mom Bomb” he has set is getting ready to go off. And it does.
I run out of the door and angrily grab him, haul him back into the house and into the library and tell him that he is going to pick up all the mess and put it back the way he found it and he is not to come out until it is done and I close the door shaking with emotion. To his credit, he does try. He loads the clothes basket but not necessarily with what was in it before but it is really beyond his ability to set it right. He calls me, I come, I realize it is beyond him, send him out and begin working on it by myself but there is “business” I really need to attend to and I remain angry and he keeps returning to me. We continue to have words about it.
At this point, dad realizes something is up, comes in and separates us. Closes a screen at the kitchen door between us. Says he will feed himself and the kids and I should do some work while I can. I find it strangely calming to pay bills, even though the clothes which have been retrieved by me remain piled on the futon and will have to be put away. My son is fussing because he realizes now that the video has FF to the end and he has missed what he wanted to see. The guys will be leaving shortly for our building site (to give us the space we need for living) and dad tells our son he can watch the video in the car at the building site but our son persists in fussing about it for a long time. I feel removed enough to listen to this without emotion (although normally it would be affecting me if I were dealing with it directly). Finally, my son begins to calm and I am happy to hear him regain composure. Still, whenever we try to talk at each other through the screen, dh intervenes and won't let us and he is doing the right thing to give us both a time out from one another. I hear him crack jokes and I love him more than ever for the calm person he is (most of the time at least, he is human after all and can be pushed over the edge if stressed).
However, before dh can finish getting the kids ready to leave, a truck arrives that needs to be unloaded and I must finish the task, so they will be ready when he returns. My son and I are whining and fussing at each other all over again, it is over between us but it doesn't last long and we finally each say what we must to end it in peace. I realize he is also hurting at some level, he looks geniunely sad, probably he isn't experienced enough in life to see what was going to happen in his excitement about “tricking” me and I hug him and tell him I love him.
After they leave, as I continue to play it over and over in my mind, I realize that I don't know how to play. Why couldn't I have just gone to him, when I found the clothes missing, and said, “Gosh, you are going to have to go to the house site in your PJs today because all of your clothes are gone!!”? Then, we could have had a good laugh. Why couldn't I have enlisted him to help me or have helped him to put it back in order? I know because I was too angry to do it at that moment. I have a feeling that there is a wounded child in me that my son is trying to help heal. I have realized for some time that he is a special teacher in my life. I also realize that he is trying to recapture what he lost with me when the baby was born and at times, by doing desperate things to get my attention, or maybe that is never the motivation. I can't see into his thought processes that clearly. But I do sense him trying to connect with me more, missing his being primary in my life.
He has always liked to set me off. He thrives on the emotion. I remember when he was learning to eat and he would fling food. At first, this made me very angry because it seemed so intentional. He was very young and couldn't really be controlled. So, I learned quickly that the quickest way to stop it, was to matter of factly clean it up, with a straight face, without showing emotion. I am not going to say I have all of the answers or any of the answers really. I struggle with it almost daily. At times, this child makes me feel like an utter failure as a parent but the baby is so easy going, that I also realize clearly that some of this is temperment and the differences in our temperments, and the similarities, does cause tension.
I am happy to be here in this pod. I realize the need for holistic parenting and I hope to learn more by sharing with you all.
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