Difficult upheavals?

Im not sure if this has been discussed earlier on this pod. But I'm going through a rather rough upheaval nowadays which I think is in some parts caused by Holosync. Im experiencing a weird combination of fears, anxieties, desperations, not exactly overwhelming but huntingly disturbing. I've been given good advices here on another discussions on this pod, which was most welcomed.

The symptom i am experiencing is very much of a existential crisis, death anxiety, nostalgia, fear of my Big mind (as strange as that sounds). Really discomforting. I've been reading some Wilber books and specially been focused on the developmental stages of growth, and what psychologial disturbance can occur between or on each stages. And I see many of my problems occuring on the existential/pluralistic/vision-logic stage. He has described some of the pathologies on that stage as: existential despair, metaphysical distress, existential anxiety, Primordial hatred of Not-Self, Transpersonal anxiety, Dead void heresy. All of whom I've experienced I think. Some kind of problem of mind-body integration. Problems inherent in manifest existence itself. What I find also difficult about these experiences is that its not common and often interpreted as something else (which it may well be), and you're just said to drop it. But this problem has been with me for 3 weeks, started just suddenly when I was off in my bed.

Im not a genius of handling these kind of crisis, but I try to witness it as much as I can, although sometimes I get a little freaked out about this witness, its emptiness qualities sometimes scare my ego. Talking about some divine schizophrenia here! ;) But hopefully this is a rough period before something good. Have you experienced something like this? If so how do you deal with it?

So I want to ask you guys the question, which upheavals (if you have gone through any) has been the most difficult for you? Assumed that the upheaval is in most parts caused by Holosync.

Re: Difficult upheavals?

Hi,

Here is my reply to a discussion that just came up on a different yahoo discussion board (AwakingTheMind) recently:

Issue from Debbie:

Re: Difficult upheavals?

Hi Gummihh

I had to think about this a while and then I realised holosyncing is a bit like childbirth, it hurts at the time you're going through the upheaval but then you sort of forget about it afterwards!

Its only a few weeks since I went through my last lot of upheaval (my description to a fellow zaadster was that I felt fragile, like I was about to break apart…is any of this 'real'?) but as I read your question the other day I was…”What upheaval?”.

Although I have to admit that I'm finding myself only getting 2 thirds the way through immersion at the minute and then 'something' happens to interrupt. Hmmm?

Thanks for the question

Juliee

Re: Difficult upheavals?

How do other people here actually manage the upheaval - I know I should be just going with it and letting it be BUT what is coming up is extreme anger which is obviously not pleasant for those around me!! So much so that I'm not meditating each day for fear of the consequences - and yes I know I 'should' work through it using the c.ds but hell it's so damn tiring being cross all the time.

Any ideas, experiences, recommendations?

Juliee

Re: Difficult upheavals?

Those videos rock thanks!
Blessings, David

Re: Difficult upheavals?

>>Those videos rock thanks!





what videos?

Re: Difficult upheavals?

Hi Juliee.

I've had things like that too. Not recently though. I guess I've gone through so much upheaval from HS (anger, depression etc) that now I tend to register that something is shifting fairly quickly and just get out of the way and let it happen. This is after 7 years of HS (I'm currently listening to PL4 CD 3).

My guess would be that the anger is just a manifestation of resistance and the old mind pattern that's fighting for survival is perfectly happy to stay stuck in that state. Once you push through it the pattern will change and it will be hard to remember what it felt like, or at least what it was about.

Just watching what is going on is always a good start. When you notice the anger try asking yourself questions like “What is this?” or “Who is angry?”. Or just noting the emotion like “Anger, anger” and then letting it go.

Re: Difficult upheavals?

Hi Julie,

- A good daily cardio exercise (use this to prevent the anger, or other forms of upheaval, from really manifesting themselfs)
- Review your nutrition or food intake
- Very similar to Sprangles suggestion, watch or witness the anger.  I always try and pinpoint the feeling in my body and just observe it (not forcing it to leave) until it passes.

As you know, it's easier said then done but with practise you will be a stronger person inside and out.

Kind Regards,

  Nomaders

Re: Difficult upheavals?

Thanks guys

i've been letting myself open into the bliss/love state and trying to come at the conflicts from love. That state is always there if I choose to remember it.

I don't want to stop the anger as I think this is a heavily repressed part of my life which needs expression. So I think your suggestions of seeing/hearing/feeling it, noticing it is a good way forward.

Juliee

Re: Difficult upheavals?

Juliee,

I've also experienced periods of upheaval and particularly anger, and I'm POSITIVE it was because anger in particular is an emotion I have repressed HEAVILY as well.  Initially, it freaked me out, but now I am trying to just watch what comes up, just like everyone is suggesting, and it really helps a lot.  Trying to push through it just created a huge sense of resistance in me and really held me back.  It's easy to say, hard to do, but the key when you're losing control is just to Let Go.  :)

I've been reading a book by Tara Brach called Radical Acceptance, which has helped me greatly.  She's a psycologist and an Insight Meditation teacher.  The main point of the book is working on self-acceptance and acceptance of other people and situations.  It goes through meditations which I've practiced both while listening to Holosync and also separately and have found them to be immensely helpful, particularly when dealing with the anger.

:)
Joey

Re: Difficult upheavals?

Hi Joey

Thanks for your words.

The 'crisis' appears to have passed - for the moment. The interesting thing is the awareness of what is behind the anger - a need to be right and have everything under control and if the kids are denying my 'rules' then they are invalidating me in some way.

So, just because they ignore me/us and have their rebellions doesn't make me wrong, they are simply exerting their own boundaries - in a way I wasn't really allowed to. What you/I discover when I/you stop and think!!!

Juliee

Re: Difficult upheavals?

            Ok this reply might be a little long, but I think it covers the basics of the transition through the existential storm into authenticity (AKA Second Tier) and beyond.  It is modified from a paper I wrote about the process as I experienced it.  I was not using Holosync at that time, but I had upheaval galore.  Gummihh I hope this might be of some help to you.  I would just say that what you are going through is probably a normal part of being in or near this transition point.  The spaciousness of awareness / realizing the fact of being-in-the-world is almost like vertigo or dizziness or freefall.  It can be thrilling or terrifying and often both at the same time.  Movies that might help might be I Heart Huckabee's, The Fountain, and the heroine's torture sequence and it's resolution from V for Vendetta.  Writers that might help might be Sartre and Heidegger (if you can get a readable translation of either) as well as Wilber. The Apex work in the Big Mind Process might be invaluable here as well.  Ok without further ado here is my story of a similar experience…

            A year after graduating from high school, in the summer of 1997, I was almost killed.  I was shocked awake into the existential realities of my situation in the world.  Confronted with the abject terror of a massive loss of safety and the sheer absurdity my existence nearly ending when in my mind it had finally just begun; I was thrown into a state of angst.  This was not the mere angst of teenage turbulence, this was the real dread of being and non-being.  The great matter of life and death had been thrust upon me and I was forced to confront it head-on.

            This sickness unto death, this fear and trembling, this dread, was palpable and real.  It was larger than myself in that it was the throwness of the human condition.  It was more personal than my deepest relationships because it was permeating my very sense of being.  A line in a book by Wilber (1996) that I encountered later that year summed it up perfectly:

            “One of the characteristics of the actual self of this stage (the centaur) is precisely that it no longer buys all the conventional and numbing consolations-as Kierkegaard put it, the self can no longer tranquilize itself with the trivial… The finite self is going to die-magic will not save it, mythic gods will not save it, rational science will not save it-and facing that cutting fact is part of becoming authentic.”(p. 193)

This was very much where I was at.  The mythic god of my parents offered no aid.  My accumulation of scientific trivia and tidbits was cold comfort.  I also saw immediately that no amount of money or sex or alcohol would honestly address this pressing concern.  Still, my first reaction was a sort of carpe diem hedonism.  Who gives a shit about what other people think when I am worm food in but a century at most?  Or so my reasoning went for some time.  Eventually I faced my angst square on and resolved to live in an authentic manner.  I realized I had to assume responsibility for my own self, my own values, and my own being.  Honesty about my death had become the ultimate source of individuation.  Zimmerman (1981) neatly summarizes this situation:

            “As long as I conceal my mortality, I can go along with the “they” because,          supposedly, there is plenty of time to be “myself” later.  Angst, however, reveals that I will die, and no one can remove this fate from me… Since I am here only for a brief time, there is no better moment than the present for choosing my own limited possibilities.”(p. 72-73)

This pressing existential crisis also had the side effect of derailing anything like a pregiven life plan.

            I became obsessed with reading philosophy and psychology.  I had a searing desire to try and resolve the burning matter of life and death and meaning.  This was not a general, abstract, project.  It was a frantic, personal, zeal.  While for some time I continued my schooling in engineering, my heart was no longer in it.  I soon dropped out.  My life consisted of work, reading, and the occasional party.  Throughout my life, I have actually alternated between periods of extroversion and introversion.  I became very introverted again during this period.  Dreams, thoughts, feelings, ideas, and experiences became my focus.  I could see the temptation to lapse back into mere belief as a defense against dread, but I resisted the temptation.  In retrospect, I now wonder if I really could have gone back even if I wanted to.

            I tried to embrace and understand human being in all its striking facets, earthy contradictions, and myriad complexities.  Some intuition in me led me to believe that it must all tie together and make sense.  Ideas such as the alchemical notion of a “marriage of opposites” beyond the “torment of the metals,” the Eastern notion of non-duality, and the existential concept of being-in-the-world paraded through my thoughts and awareness.  In short, I was itching for integration.

            I was repeatedly confronting mortality during this time.  Two of my four close friends died suddenly during this time.  One of my closest extended family members did as well.  Several other people whom I knew also died.  I was seeing the cackling skull of death and impermanence everywhere.  For whatever reason though, I persisted in my authentic relationship to death.  I was honest about my situation and tried to live as honestly as I could in relationship to it.  At first the terror was nearly overwhelming, yet I consciously decided to face honest terror rather than to lapse into inauthentic balms against it. 

            Eventually something paradoxical happened.  The more I was open to the actual terror I was experiencing the less I had to defend against my own mortality.  Zimmerman (1981) touches on this as well: “To be authentic means resolving to accept the openness which, paradoxically, one already is.  One can be open to other people and to possibilities only when freed from the distortions of egoism.”(p. xxiv)  In a weird manner, I was realizing that the more I (my defenses against death and impermanence) got out of the way, the more I was actually fully present for what was.  I did not know it at the time, but I was hovering on the edge of a major transformation.

            In retrospect, it began about 18 months ago.  I had revisited the writings of Ken Wilber in a serious way and actually started meeting up with other people who were working toward something like integration or self-actualization.  Existential and integral ideas started really “clicking” for me; not in a cognitive way but in a deeply felt experiential resonance.  The self-exploration and transformation that was a part of the M.A. program I was in amplified this budding process and along with some other events catalyzed something amazing and unexpected.  I started experiencing my felt sense as going beyond both the cognitive and the affective.  In late 2006, I did something called the Big Mind process.  It catalyzed an experience of pure awareness without symbolic thought.  It was not a “dumbing down” but a “wizening up.”  I was able to see through my normal linguistic structures and conceptual cutouts.  Immediately, from that moment on, integration began rapidly occurring.  Old habits, problems, and ways of seeing the world became transparent and obsolete.  In fact, even as I type out these lines, I am aware of the obsolescence of even this story nice and fresh and colorful as it is. 

            Out of sheer curiosity, this past May I took a version of the Loevinger Sentence Completion Test, specifically the one developed and described by Cook-Greuter ( 1999).  I tested out at 5/6- or roughly equivalent to her Construct-aware stage or Loevinger's Integrated stage (S. Cook-Greuter, personal communication, May 7, 2007).  Elsewhere Cook-Greuter (2000) has talked about some of the characteristics of this stage:

            “To sum up, at the Construct-aware stage, individuals recognize the limits of language and analytic rationality. While they see through the earlier illusion of the separateness of knower and known, they cannot reliably replace the discursive way of meaning making with direct, unfiltered experience. However, deep examination of one's automatic habits can lead to more frequent peak experiences and moments of ego transcendence and to cognitive insights into the process of meaning making itself.”(p. 236)

I would only add that in recognizing the space in which these meaning constructions are occurring, I have found plenty of room for the integration of whatever comes up.  There is now little need to defend as anything that arises has a wide expanse in which to frolic.  That being said, old habits in many ways die hard, and it is an ongoing process of integration and not a final arrival at a fixed or stagnant point.  Old patterns of meaning making and reacting periodically resurface on a moment-to-moment basis.  This is not a problem anymore than big waves are a disappointment to avid surfers.  Yes wipeouts happen from time to time… but oh to catch a big one!

            I have found myself in a strange space of late.  I have accidentally become something of a skeptical mystic.  While I have been attracted to Zen of late due to the emphasis on the directness of experience beyond the mediation of symbolic construction, I still see myself as walking the existential path.  Not that I feel a need for confirmation of this, but I have been intrigued to find it in the writings of Heidegger.  Zimmerman, for instance, leaves open the possibility that Heidegger was pointing toward a deeper mode of being: “…the notion of releasement bears remarkable resemblance to the notion of “enlightenment” in Zen Buddhism.  In this context, Ereignis can be understood as analogous to the Tao.”(1981, p. xxx)  Also Heidegger himself appears to have been more explicit on the matter when according to Barrett (1956) he wrote this about Zen: “If I understand [Dr. Suzuki] correctly, this is what I have been trying to say in all my writings.”(p. xi)

            So where does this tale find me at the present?  I see the world and myself as a part of the world as a multifaceted chaordically evolving system that is ultimately non-dual.  That is my story can be seen from any number of valid but partial frames that rely on the perpetual interplay of order and chaotically complex interactions whose becoming is in some mysterious way not other than its being.  Then again, maybe… just maybe… I am in the process of evolving past stories all together…

Re: Difficult upheavals?

Thanks for sharing, Mark.
I recognize quite a bit of your story, even though the details have played themselves out differently for me.

Pelle

Re: Difficult upheavals?

Great post Mark, I really resonated with what you wrote, this death fear is such a tricky thing. I've also been interested in parapsychology for quite a time and find the reports from NDE and OBE really fascinating. So there is some part in me who hopes for an afterlife, somesort. While there this one part in me who doesnt find any consolation about the afterlife or returning back to emptiness, because that part is so addicted to the current state of being. You know, all the current relatives, parents, friends and stuff, that part really hates to lose all that.

But of course these are dualistic notions but I cant push it away by just disregarding it as dualistic, I really have to use my awareness to open it up, see what it reveals.

This life is so weird, I think the ultimate spirit is on drugs or something hehe.

Re: Difficult upheavals?

Hi Markll,

I read your post and feel like you've put into words what I'm presently going through.  I lost my dad 2 months ago and it threw me into such an existential anxiety.  I can identy for your thoughts completely.  I've been paralyzed for hours just sitting and questioning the meaning of it all.  I've tried to read Ken Wilbur in the past but he makes my brain hurt - some things I just can't comprehend.

I've sat in meditation but have been too distracted lately.  I did order Holosync and look forward to seeing if that will help.

Your post gave me hope that perhaps one day I'll find some peace and let go of the fear.

Thanks

Re: Difficult upheavals?

I notice that I start to feel irritated after finishing off Immersion. I have found that the Gamma Compassion CD will open the floodgates and allow the feelings to flow through quite effectivly, all you have to do is relax. Its a $20 purchase very well spent imho.

Re: Difficult upheavals?

Hey everyone Im very happy to have found this site! just when all I thought was out there was myspace phew! anyway Im relativley new to Holosync Im on Level 1 CD3 and I must say it has started to hit me hard. Iam going through a very hard break up and I think its as bad as it is because im also being pushed by holosync and everything in my life no longer makes sence. I have so much anger and confusion over my breakup that I get physically ill and I have a terrible feeling of being ALONE.  I have always bounced from girlfriend to girlfriend and now thanks to holosync im starting to realize that I never allowed myself to get to know myself without associating my whole self with my partner and it feels like I no longer know where to turn or where to go like im in a strangers body. Its a hard thing to face and I can feel a major shift coming on and my whole body and mind is fighting it! I also have found holosync hard to handle latley because the more I dive into it the more I feel alienated from my family and friends being that they have no interest or clue to why I do what I do. My passion for Buddhism and meditation is even a shock to me being that 2 years ago I didnt believe in anything but I now have a new view on the world and even though its hard right now I know Its all worth it. All in all Im starting to really respect how hard this can be and Im just in need of someone who gets what Im going through, have any of you experienced anything similar to this? Thank you.

Re: Difficult upheavals?

Hi cita8,

Welcome, browse around - you are in the right place.  There was a thread a while ago on what our friends/ family/ aquaintances thought of us holosyncers, that may help you realize that you are not alone.  Many of us have been where you are now (not with the extra 'break up' thing going on, but with the rest). They say that the holosync helps clear your hindering beliefs, so you then have to find new ones to take old beliefs place.  That takes time, unless you opted for your affirmations being recorded for you.  You will get there, and we are here for you.

Polly

Re: Difficult upheavals?

Thank you Polly I appreciate your help this really is a great site because of people like you.

-Justin

Re: Difficult upheavals?

Hey Justin,

Yeah, these kinds of upheavals can be really difficult. Nevertheless, you seem to have a good understanding of what you're going through, and how your belief system has changed, and that is usually very helpful.

If you can manage the upheaval, then keep on doing Holosync during this difficult period. If not, then give yourself a break and do Holosync every second day for a while (or whatever interval feels manageable).

Hang in there.

Pelle

Re: Difficult upheavals?

Hi everyone.

Just been thinking…does anyone have a theory as to why AL4 seems to have such a profound effect on most users??

Thanks,
Polly

Re: Difficult upheavals?

Hi Polly:

From information garnered elsewhere, apparently the jump down in carrier is almost double what it was in the previous three levels, which apparently puts an additional stress on the wet-ware.  So instead of just a teensy bit of overwhelm, many experience a major impact.

There are also a lot of theories about why this was done, but the best one I've heard so far is that they didn't want to put an extra CD or level in “Awakening”, and wanted only four levels each in Purification and Flowering, so they took a chance that “most” people would be able to tolerate the jump down the rabbit hole without too much extra upheaval.  Obviously, from feed-back over the years, unless people had already bought the Inner Circle package, this is where many jump off the boat, unfortunately, because of this somewhat arbitrary decision.

Those that did purchase the Inner Circle tend to suck it up somehow and get through it.  The instructions on AL4 actually suggest that you take extra time on the level - I'd suggest doing almost double the time on most of the CD's in that level.  Those that don't do that and push into Purification 1 too soon, tend to then really get the bends there.  There is no race to the finish line - pushing and shoving your brain around will not get you there faster.  Unfortunately most people didn't learn the lesson in K1, and payback is a b**ch!

Cheers!
Gem

Re: Difficult upheavals?

Wow!  That's incredible.  Thanks Gemstar.

Re: Difficult upheavals?

just rember wen u fellin moody messed up done its gona be beatiful soon this is our calling;)

Re: Difficult upheavals?

hyy all check my youtube channel dedicated to holosync        www.youtube.com/richardmccaul