Re: Daily Yak II

BTW I just tested the Zaadz blogging waters.  My initial foray into Z  Land of Blog ain't nothing y'alls haven't heard before but hey.

spiral out,
arthur

p.s. Speaking of daily yaks, my stepdaughter has been periodically vomiting all day and Liz is upstairs sick as a dog herself, so I've been on bucket-emptying and related duties all day.  All part of savoring samsara, baby.  :)

Daily Yak II

Hey integral folk

There's a new Yak on the block.  You know you wanna post here.  :)

To review: this thread is for daily chit-chat.  Nothing is off-topic.  Haver away, holons!

My news is: life chaotic.  Me distracted.  Not much time/attention/motivation for posting…will likely be that way for a while.  Please contact one of the other mods if you need assistance.  :)

spirals,
arthur

Re: Daily Yak II

Hey there R-thor and everyone,

Good move to create a new thread, the old one is getting long. I’m also posting less in the pod, I need time to focus on other stuff instead.

I do check in with the pod daily though and post a bit here and there, and for everyone reading: it’s still perfectly OK to write to me if something in the pod needs to be addressed. Mary’s available too of course.

Keep it flowing integralites!

peace
Pelle

Re: Daily Yak II

for reference, here's a link to the original thread:

The Daily Yak

Re: Daily Yak II

Hey all you lovely I-I peeps!

i aint been around here much, as love has come and swept me away into ''stage-three'' bliss, and needless to say keyboards and screens dont really have much to offer…

so a quick HELLO to you all and im sure i'll be back around here some time soon. if not see you all when we meet up…

loads of love to you all!

Melv

Re: Daily Yak II

Melv: i aint been around here much, as love has come and swept me away into ''stage-three'' bliss, and needless to say keyboards and screens dont really have much to offer…

so a quick HELLO to you all and im sure i'll be back around here some time soon. if not see you all when we meet up…

~~~~

Yeah, baby!  Glad to hear you're groovin' to some kosmic bliss-out; looking forward to hearing more about that.

Agreement on the limitations of screens and keyboards - these forums have a lot to offer but there are limits, eh?  Meetups are definitely a thing of goodness.  :)

spirals,
arthur

Re: Daily Yak II

TURN AND FACE THE STRANGE CH-CH-CHANGES

Hi all

Just wanted to say I'll be making some minor adjustments to the pod - to serve you better!  :)  You may see things shifting around a little bit, don't be alarmed.  I'll post an announcement when I'm finished detailing what's been done.

love and post-trans-metametta,
arthur

Re: Daily Yak II

Melv,

A-hem!!  I'm callin' bullshit.  Being freshly in love is supposed to increase one's state of a-muse-ment and thus increase one's professional/spiritual output.  You aren't suggesting we just give you permission to run away and hoard all of this good stuff just for yourself, are you?  What would that make us, yer bitches?  And after things cool off a tad you are going to come back and expect us all to just roll out the red carpet for ya?

yer, wonderin'-where-the-hell-you-been pal,
Michael

Re: Daily Yak II

On a recent visit with Colin (after which my odometer went over the 100,000 mile mark–go figure), we all took turns with my camera and, by gosh, these pics turned out pretty “hunk”y-dory. Emphasis on the integral hunks! Hehe!



What these photos illustrate is just how very white of a girl I am, sheesh. And I worked them over in Photoshop, too.



Arthur and I both shaved our heads that day, and he's since gone all the way! It's a surreal twist to see your boyfriend's face for the first time after you've been dating him for over a year. Wow, he really is a smiley…



Liz

Re: Daily Yak II

Ok, that's cute.

Re: Daily Yak II

He Arthur,

Can we call you the BCG (Bald Cat Guy)? If it takes off, I could become the BDG
(Bald Dog Guy)…

Michael - if you do it too, you could take the “A” - BAG - Bald Alterboy Guy! :)

Frans

Re: Daily Yak II

Ah! You guys look so great together, the joy is beaming out at me!  I'm rather jelous I can't get hugs from you guys too :(


Ewan

Re: Daily Yak II

I am sooo looking forward to our integral gathering!!!!
Virtual hug,
Chris

Re: Daily Yak II

Thanks y'all.  :)

spiral out,
BCG, eh

Re: Daily Yak II

Ewan, you are planning to come to the gathering next summer, are you not? I have agents in the UK who don't take kindly to even polite refusals, so don't think you'll get away with that.

Liz

Re: Daily Yak II

Hey Arthur,
your avatar is sporting a Poonja vibe. Cool.

Those photos above, of the three of you, are blinding me. Got to get my sunglasses.

Re: Daily Yak II

Frans,

I don't think that you want to see me bald.  Now, Arthur, Liz, and Colin … well they seem to have pretty nice skulls, and now that Arthur has shaved we can see a substantial chin there (reminding me of someone … .murky past … strong … dangerous … musical … ) whereas my head looks ok from the front but is all flat in the back from where the nuns made my parents tie books back there to restrain any further development of my limbic system which was already beginning to show signs of a neo dinosaur-like ativism in my behavior.  They had enough trouble back then what with all the post-war existentialism, they did not need a little angel altar boy flashing reptilian grins at the fem side of the 1^st Communion aisle.

Praisin' His Holy Name,
Michael

Re: Daily Yak II

Liz,

Of course I'll be there!  Wanna check out your weird country first hand ;)  (smiling)  Wouldn't miss it for the world.

Ewan

Re: Daily Yak II

OUR weird country!??  If there is another country on the planet weirder than the US, it has to be Britain.  You, being Welsh, is a bit of a reprieve, but still, merry ol' friggin' England?  Charming, beautiful gardens, home of her gorgeousness, the late princess Di, where being normal is eccentric, fog, rain, monarchy, Harry bleedin' Potter, Lords n' Ladies, Beefeaters, and a thousand other forms of unfathomable silliness????   Were not weird, were a nightmare.  You guys are weird.

Re: Daily Yak II

Agghhhhrtryy gyrgyyyyrrrgggg kksghrugrrreyyy (Ewan spitting feathers).  I am very, very English thank you very much!  I have my familly tree and it goes back 6 or 7 generations, and they're all English!

My name is not even Welsh thank you very much…its the Scottish spelling (far more aggreeable…they don't have anything to do with sheep perversions!)

Yours xenophobically


Ewan

Re: Daily Yak II

Arthur,

I've got it!  That face of yours, the shot of you looming into the mirror?  For the life of me, you look like the model for the archetypal “sun face” with the tongues of fire radiating from the periphery of your beaming face.  Oddly (in a good way, mind you) that picture also reminds me of the “man in the moon,” - quite the kosmic stretch for a pirate.

yer pal,
Michael

Re: Daily Yak II

So the “man in the moon” has to deal with the embarassment of “sun face”?  :p

off to have a moonage daydream,
arthur

Re: Daily Yak II

That's so cool, Michael! He does have a very round face and I like that imagery.  But in that case, I would be the moon, no?

Liz

Re: Daily Yak II

Liz,

You are the Word, you girls, the dulcet, ratcheting, play of consciousness blown free from the moment and trailing severed heads like moons aplenty, stardust, dark matter and spirit eruptions impaling the moon with your pirate's meteor, rounding the sun spewing comet emissions while we fixed, static, boyo types know “Ahhhh  . . ” as the first note of Aum. 

yer pal,
M

Re: Daily Yak II

It may be tough on the sleep thing, but it sure is down the Integral trail!

Re: Daily Yak II

I keep hearing murmurs and shouts about our gathering next summer, but is there a thread somewhere dedicated to it? Or someplace I can find out what has been decided (location? date? entrance exam?)

Love,
Lauren

Re: Daily Yak II

Lauren: I keep hearing murmurs and shouts about our gathering next summer, but is there a thread somewhere dedicated to it? Or someplace I can find out what has been decided (location? date? entrance exam?)

~~~~~

Well, there's the Plan now for Integral Gathering 2008 thread.  :)

It hasn't seen much activity lately, but you could change all that by posting there…

spirals,
arthur

Re: Daily Yak II

I'm in Michigan at a family reunion of sorts. The guest of honor couldn't come. So we're sort of all here with no purpose but to figure out how my nieces can continue to keep up the fight they've been having since they were children…sigh.

See you all when I am back on my home puter.

Liz

Re: Daily Yak II

Hey Liz,

My daughter is on vacation with her best friend (and family) in Michigan.  Maybe you two are at the same reunion and don't even know it   ;0

I hear it's very green there…. these are the type of reports teenagers give when they bother to call.

Have fun!

Gina

Re: Daily Yak II

Can you at least drink?

Frans (emphatically)

Re: Daily Yak II

Yes (stealing a moment here) I can drink, but it doesn’t really help, as it makes me feel worse physically. Today’s drama: a broken chair, and nobody will fess up…it was newly upholstered.

Liz

Re: Daily Yak II

Oh my God! Did it die? Did it suffer? Don’t you love family?

f

Re: Daily Yak II

I'll never forget being about 9, 10 or so and my oldest sister -in her 20s - moved back home. It was winter. I was sitting watching TV and in came my sister saying “God it's so cold in here” and adjusting the thermostat. A while later here comes my mom, noticing it is “warm” and looks at the thermostat and freaked out  -WHO TURNED THE THERMOSTAT UP TO 80!!!! I watched her do it but did not snitch. In comes my dad, Oh no! Wow! We don't need it up that high! It was as if the world were ending and the fabric of the universe had been torn. Meanwhile, I watched my sister, an adult, in her 20s … still never fess up. My Mom even eventually confronted her -if you want it warmer in here, etc., etc. and she still denied being the “culprit” …

Re: Daily Yak II

Well, my niece can’t even tell her mother she wants to get a different nose ring…!…you see, she’s wearing the stud my sister had back in her hippie days, and thinks my sis will be crushed if she changes her nose ring. My sister is just not that delicate!

I can’t quite believe this. Everyone walking on eggshells. I’m wondering if my kids do this with me and I just am not aware of it. Shit, I’d love it if they worried that much about my reactions, but I don’t think they do.

It’s great stuff, though, watching this. I’m seeing where a lot of kmy patterns come from, and I’m figuring out that it doesn’t need to be this way.

Told my other sister off yesterday. She called me a “food nazi” yet again (it was the first thing she said to me when she came in the door), and I drew the line. I said it was bloody difficult changing my family’s diet and I’d be happy to go back to being able to eat whatever I wanted if I could, and she needed to shut the fuck up about it. She’s been mum on the topic since.

Love to all from the land of green plants and amber politics,

Liz

Re: Daily Yak II

Liz: Told my other sister off yesterday. She called me a “food nazi” yet again (it was the first thing she said to me when she came in the door), and I drew the line. I said it was bloody difficult changing my family’s diet and I’d be happy to go back to being able to eat whatever I wanted if I could, and she needed to shut the fuck up about it. She’s been mum on the topic since.

~~~~~~

I love it when you do shit like that.  :)

arthur

Re: Daily Yak II

Liz:

“Shit, I’d love it if they worried that much about my reactions,…”

BULLSHIT!!!!!!

f

Re: Daily Yak II

I’m wondering if my kids do this with me and I just am not aware of it.

I think this is a $25,000.00 question we may never know the answer to. The problem is we learn all to early how to play our parents. I'd like to think I can not be fooled … but having worked with kids I have seen just too many parents 100% flat out duped by their kids. Even if they knew that their kids weren't perfect, and had a practical and down-to-earth view of them, etc. Whether or not they are fooling us may in some cases be a perspective we may never be able to aquire.

An older friend of mine said he once made a long distance phone call (at about 11 years old) to a place where no one else in the family would call but him -his mother was as furious as with the thermostat in my story, but he says he denied it unto her very death bed! Literally, on her death bed she said “I know you made the call …” and he says he still said “It wasn't me!”

Re: Daily Yak II

How wonderful! Denial as she headed through the gates. I love it.

Re: Daily Yak II

Back from Michigan. We pretty much got all the kinks worked out a day before we were all leaving. Why do people need to play out these scenarios over and over? I spent a lot of time wondering how to get through to various relatives, and doing nothing but being a good listener. This is a good thing, but I was feeling impatient with the passivity of it. I want to change things, not wait for people to evolve. Gawd, it's too slow! Hence, the just-beingness practice. The whole thing made me feel very agentic and frustrated with the feminine and the women in my family in general. Interesting in it's own way. Burt also I was feeling a lot of compassion for the trapped way they all operate. So unable to dis-identify with the self. I have to be careful not to let that turn into condescension.

I had a dream recently that was very much a reflection of this phenom going on in my head, and it was basically my brother's perspective, seen in a 1st person way through my eyes.

I also feel the need to apologize to my zaadster home-persons here, as I have pretty much dropped out of several threads. I just need to do all this internal work, plus deal with a seemingly endlessly complex life. What's with the merry-go-round?

Case in point: In the course of writing this post, I agreed to watch a neighbor's sleeping child for the next half-hour, and my ex's fiance came over, we oohed over the baby and I agreed to call her later for childcare swapping planning purposes. My daughter brokered another visit to the Build-A Bear Workshop, and I answered the door twice.

Liz

Re: Daily Yak II

Liz,

“But also I was feeling a lot of compassion for the trapped way they all operate. So unable to dis-identify with the self. I have to be careful not to let that turn into condescension”

So “unwilling”  to dis-identify with the self perhaps.  Willingness is the commodity most scarce to the unawakened.  At times I have had to pray for the willingness to be willing to pray for the willingness - and it is so cool that you see the temptation to devolve into condescension.

Thanks for sharing these images with us Liz.

yer pal,
Michael

Re: Daily Yak II

Well, fortunately for my terribly advanced and fabulously evolved self, I grew up in a ridiculously arrogant and self-satisfied, though miserable, family. So I know all about condescension. It's just misplaced insecurity. We were all a bunch of losers, actually.

And yes, I totally get the need to pray for even wanting to be willing! Very funny stuff, Michael. Fortunately, spirit seems to be at work in a way that I am no longer able to run away from the awareness of it, as I did for much of my life. Damn.

Liz

Re: Daily Yak II

Liz,

How is it that being lost in “losing” leads some in one direction (more losing, more arrogance, more condescension) and others in the other (terribly advanced and fabulously evolved?)  I know many of us are the “one” in our family to have been squirted “out” of the paradigm, landing “splat” in the gutter for starters (usually) and knowing one thing only - salvation does not lie back in the bosom but onward - out there somewhere with the other pirates.

Aaaarrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!!
Michael

Re: Daily Yak II

Liz - fear not: you can learn from me.  :p  'Cause I'm so, like, highly evolved and shit.

You guys are getting so serious!  sheesh.  What does this have to do with the spiders in the bathroom, which have now moved close to each other and have been frozen in place for several hours.  Are they planning to fight?  To reproduce? One is much bigger than the other.  Is s/he hungry or horny? These are the important questions of the day - not minor inconsequential matters like “evolution” and “personal growth” and “issues.”  Meh, I say!

spirals
arthur

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Re: Daily Yak II

Arthur: Figures you'd come to Sacto, a place with nearly zero crawly things, and find the only two in the entire house. And they'd be spiders, of course, since you hate spiders. You sure can pick the growth opportunities, baby.

Michael: I don't know. I can't figure it out. Many have made a lot of money claiming to have the answer, but I still don't think anyone knows. It's not just that boys are more fragile, as all you guys wouldn't be here. There's just some point at which it all started to snowball. It is a really small choice to start, I think. A butterfly effect. For me, I think it was a day when I just couldn't pretend that I was all right and someone else was all wrong even one more time.

So we'll probably be first up against the wall, anyway. My brother will be pulling the trigger.

Liz

Re: Daily Yak II

Liz and I and my two stepkids-to-be (it felt weird to write that) are going to Camp Sacramento for a week tomorrow, whoo-hoo!  So we'll be offline for a week, and missing y'all terribly.  But I will also be hanging out in a countryish location with my sweetie and finishing the last Harry Potter book and the latest issue of WIE.

Have fun, podsters.  :)

arthur

Re: Daily Yak II

Curious, (And I know this is a far-a-field question) but has anyone noticed very recently a sinister character/presence in their dreams that seems to use a form of objectified (integrated) aperspectival-awareness paired with some transcendent powers for his own twisted ends. (extrapolated and a personal interpretation of this) My experience was very isolated but, reoccurring so it seems significant - maybe a shadow issue, I do hold that as a possibility - but my sense is that there might be something more collective or, world-soul-like to these dreams.  If interested or think im out-to-lunch say so. If, you've had a dream in line with these vague details would love to hear could flesh my experience out in more detail. Be Well All!

Re: Daily Yak II

Hello Brent,

 reoccurring so it seems significant

Although, I haven't been having dreams of this nature, I would love to help you get through understanding what it is that these dreams might be saying.

If you don't necessarily want to post publicly, please feel free to PM me.

Since you didn't speak to the level of dream interpretation you have done in the past, I don't want to speak at a level lower than you are already connected.  Sinister and 'evil' are direct connections to our war within and the moral assignments to our beliefs and experiences.  It seems you may be at a new place of knowledge and the growing awareness of a shadow aspect in your subconscious is really working hard to break through.

Take care,

Gina

Re: Daily Yak II

Hey y'all,
I'll be offline for a week. Going to a training at Kripalu – yoga for children with special needs!
I'll be missing you.
Love,
Lauren

Re: Daily Yak II

A week of yoga training, whoo-hoo!  Have fun with that.  :) 

spirals,
arthur

Re: Daily Yak II

Enjoy the training! I'm sure lots of children with special needs could benefit from yoga.

Pelle

Re: Daily Yak II

Lauren,

Have a great time!

The rest of ya's,

A little update on the saga of infirmity in the life situation of one MQS;

I go back to San Diego this tuesday for a round with the oncologists/hematologists as they try to figure out what is going on with some cancerous lymph cells that were discovered as a result of the biopsy that was done in June - remember when I was so concerned about continence and erectile function?  Well, thank you very much, everything seems to be working pretty well (not worse, at least, which is a miracle in itself).  Trouble is, I forgot to ask you to concentrate on a less disturbing outcome from the lymph node analysis, which, ahem, was, I choose to report, “interesting” to say the least.

So, another request for your visionary services:  using your best toning hummmmm, ommmmm, or kumbaya, imagine the world of blood and marrow, your own if it helps, and effect a tone on the outbreath that rallies the forces of holy warrior white cells while tripping the un-dead miscreants to self-impalement upon their swords.

I do not see this as a “bad” thing or a “good” thing, or even a “me” thing.  Everyday I remind myself frequently that it is happening in and around my life situation - like a huge nest of wasps under the deck - not me, but preoccupying nonetheless until removed. 

I could tell a story about how I battled wasps once in my life but I seem to remember that this crowd is a little squeemish so I'll save it for another time, another fire.

yer pal,
Michael

Re: Daily Yak II

Sending kumbayas, hosannas, and healing vibes your way, Michael, to your marrow and to your soul, and may you know that Spirit walks with you on every step of this journey.

Blessings,

Mary

Re: Daily Yak II

Arthur and I will do as requested. Much love and humor and healing to you,

Liz

Re: Daily Yak II

Michael,

I'm still visualizing the zapping of that which does not serve you or your tissues.

With healing energy,
Pelle

Re: Daily Yak II

Michael,

Deep kumbya's to you during this time. Those tissues have to get better as I've been thinking specifically of you anyway. I've been working on a short treatment/summation of dramatic literary theory which you tissues must return to enjoy.

Vibes, healing, again.

Tim

Re: Daily Yak II

MIchael: So, another request for your visionary services:  using your best toning hummmmm, ommmmm, or kumbaya, imagine the world of blood and marrow, your own if it helps, and effect a tone on the outbreath that rallies the forces of holy warrior white cells while tripping the un-dead miscreants to self-impalement upon their swords.

~~~~~

Hi Michael

I'm very sorry to hear about the cancerous lymph cells.  I will send prayers and metta your way.  One thing about the type of prayer, though - a couple of years ago I read an interesting book by  Larry Dossey called Be Careful What You Pray for - You Just Might Get It!  In it he discusses a lot of research about the efficacy of prayer, and one of the things that stuck out in my mind was research suggesting that praying for specific outcomes - e.g. white blood cells kicking the asses of cancerous lymph cells - was actually less effective than a more non-specific prayer such as “may the best possible outcome prevail,” although in both cases the prayers would have a measurable positive effect, regardless of whether the person knew  they were being prayed for.  Anyway, it's all good, so prayers, love, metta will all be sent your way.   :)

spiral out,
arthur

Re: Daily Yak II

Yarrrr!  Pink has pirattitude!



From an article entitled Subtle Songs of Protest Hit a High Note: “Pink once primed listeners to “Get the Party Started,” but she blasts Bush on her latest album with 'Dear Mr. President,” singing, “How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?'”

~~~~~

Re: Daily Yak II

Hang in there, Michael. That's pretty tough. But don't feel singled out; pretty much everyone else is having a hard time too.

“I could tell a story about how I battled wasps once in my life but I seem to remember that this crowd is a little squeemish so I'll save it for another time, another fire.”

Let's hear it. A friend of mine and I once launched an attack against a bee hive. We went after it with rocks and then, when that didn't get them mad enough, broom handles. Still our tepid pokes weren't getting their attention, so finally we made a charge and swatted with the broom handles until it broke open–and then embarked on a rapid retreat, dropping the broom handles and running for our lives as they went after us. We were both in shorts and t-shirts and got stung several times. Ouch.

Re: Daily Yak II

David, dear ones,

Back from the cancer wars in San Diego.  Somehow, the VA from Anchorage could not get all the carefully prepared tests, synopses, path reports and etc down to San Diego in time for the big conference so the whole visit was a waste of time except that I did get a chance to get a bone marrow biopsy done - an experience one should not miss in this life time.  It evens beats my wasp story as a pain in the ass tale.

First they anesthetize a spot on your backside where the hip bone is closest to the surface, then they needle through to the bone with more lidocaine, then they punch into the bone and take a serum sample and then move through the bone into the marrow for more sampling. 

As I was butt up, so to speak, I could not see what the instruments looked like, but it felt like a phillips screwdriver with some of the tines broken off.  I had imagined a bit more sophisticated process, but no, it was as primitive as punching a hole through a 2x4 with a ball point pen.  It took 15 minutes for the doctor to get through the pelvis and another 10 to get the marrow samples.  At one point I can remember saying Jaysus FUCKing Christ!!  (I am such a friggin' pussy when it comes to having my pelvic bone penetrated)

To make matters even more theatrical, the doctor was a post-residential fellow from Germany who was rotating through the cancer scene.  Her name was Anette Von Sugorsky and was a size one at best, cuter than hell and was so lovingly sincere and apologetic that I almost cried from the irony of it all.

My roomate in the hospital was a “my-age” talent agent from Las Vegas named Larry who was working on a crime novel that featured atheists and believers with “guess who?” as the bad guys.  He was a big fan of Sam Harris and claimed to have great wisdom as to the origins of the universe and the impossibility of God.  All this I learned in one long extemporaneous introduction during a channel-flipping evening the night of our arrival.  Imagine his surprise when he discovered the world view of the guy in the bed next to him.

He was there for a cataract surgery.  We exchanged cards and promised to stay in touch.

I learn more about the “diagnosis” this Thursday.

What a world.

yer pal,
Michael

Re: Daily Yak II

Reminds me of watching Jenna Elfman (of “Dharma and Greg” fame) describe getting the same procedure. She said that when the pain started, she laughed. Not because it was in any way funny. She said it was just so far beyond what anyone could call “pain” that it didn't even register in the right part of her brain.

Anyway, Holy Shit, I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Liz

Re: Daily Yak II

Michael
Sending healing vibes and all my reproductive energy to your white cells.

The only good thing is you now have had the most painful procedure in the arsenal, it has to be uphill from here!

Liz

Re: Daily Yak II

Michael,

I have experienced the joys of needles punched through bone - though not one as big as a pelvic bone, and not one that carried so much upon its results.

I did my first tonglen meditation at the weekend - your suffering was part of my visualisation.  Thinking of you brother.


Ewan

Re: Daily Yak II

How are you, Michael? Can you get to the computer and type a few words?

What I don't understand is, why procedures like these can't be done under full anaesthesia.

Warmth to you,

M

Re: Daily Yak II

Michael, I'm still sending healing vibes your way.

Mascha, general anaesthesia always entails risks, so it's a balancing act between keeping the patient comfortable and as safe as possible. It's usually possible to be partially or fully sedated if you ask for it, and sometimes nitrous oxide (laughing gas) can be an option.

Pelle

Re: Daily Yak II

Sending you love, Michael.
Breathing with you,
Lauren

Re: Daily Yak II

Dear Ones,

Aiiieeeaaahhh!  Love abounds.  No pain, no worries, no suffering, phone conference with the docs on Thursday, decision time over the weekend about the chemo protocols and location (probably Portland with family and long-time friends who will fight over me at first, and then grow complacent, and then, well, be as glad as me when its over.

Mascha, as you might imagine, this is hot fodder for my imagination.  I intend to post something up on my blog that will do this theatre some justice.

One other thing my dear friends, please know that I see this as happening around me,as a part of my life situation - an environmental consideration.  It is not who I am.  With all my heart, I want you to know that I am not suffering, not depressed or sad, or unwilling to accept this.  Rather, it is a necessary step towards the right-sizing of my ego - on a direct path to the incorporation of humility and a sustainable “lightness” of being.

And, truly, truly know that I would not have the benefit of such attitude without the blessings of your attention, love, and discrimination.

With great love,
Michael

Re: Daily Yak II

Pelle, thanks for your info on at least having the option of being fully sedated during a horror show like this. (I was cursing the medical profession – again, and repeatedly after reading what Michael had to endure. And Ewan too!)

Michael, I can't wait to read your shaktifriggin' account of why the hell you didn't chose to mainline at least the laughing gas.

Let us know when you've put up your blog, okay?

Loved what you said about how you're taking it and hope it's true :)

M

Re: Daily Yak II

Pain is an interesting problem, isn't it? It's such a great catalyst for growth, yet so, um, painful. We've figured out ways of lessening pain, but they almost always lessen the experience as well. Some experiences we embrace, like childbirth, and people like me choose to endure even pain induced by pharmeceuticals in order to fully experience the process.

I guess that every person has to find where that tipping point is, where the pain is too much to process or contracts us so much we aren't experiencing anything else. I suspect also that some of us can tolerate different kinds of pain differently. I seem able to process emotional pain fairly well, but I am the first to ask for more drugs at the dentist's office. But I do crazy things like not going to my doctor today when I know I should get some pain meds for my throat. I just hate what opiates do to my bodymind more than the pain, I guess. And despise doctor's offices as well.

One thing's for sure, Michael's got solid brass cojones.

Liz

Re: Daily Yak II

Dear Michael,
Wishing you much peace and clarity as you lightly (and courageously :) ), trip down this path.
Blessings,
Chris

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Michael, my thoughts and heart are with you; I appreciate you letting us know what's going on.  I've been doing metta for you.  I know you like Robert Augustus Masters, have you read his essay on Suffering vs. Pain?  Sounds like you understand it already.  :)

mettaspirals,
arthur

p.s. Don't forget to do your daily medijation [sic].  :p

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Dear Arthur, et al my fellow pirates, posters, pedants, and poets,

Thanks for your sustained prayers and support.  Warm and secure, I  feel the metta around me as a robe of colored feathers, and back I send to you my wishes for your own health and providence.

A good piece of news showed up today:  my recent pain-in-the-ass experience with the marrow “extraction” proved that the cancer has not yet taken up residence in the bone which lowers the staging factor and, consequently, the “aggressiveness” of the necessary chemotherapy.  Under the circumstances, better news could hardly be expected.

Though tired and a bit wobbly on my feet, the spirit burns strong and clean.  I am sleeping well and my soon to vanish hair is longer than it has been in years.

This morning after breakfast and a bit of coffee, I sat on the porch in the sun.  Great cumulus clouds rose over the mountains across the bay - white piles on dark shoulders behind cranes stroking slowly eastward.  Fall is creeping near the horizon though the flower beds and gardens still burst with blooms and food. 

As I sat and thought of this and you all, the most profound sense of peace rose within my heart.  How strange to feel such a way with all this swirling about me.  You must know that your support allows me to stand straight in the middle, upright in the thread of calm - a force more powerful than gravity to ease my weight upon the ground.

With great love,
yer pal,
Michael

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Michael, that reminds me of a dream I had a long time ago. It was a brief dream about Ken, and he was all dressed in white, sitting in the lotus position, meditating in the middle of a very busy street. The traffic was blurring all around him, and he was perfectly calm.

Liz

Re: Daily Yak II

P.S. Bald is sexy. Why not shave it all off now and keep it that way?

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Liz dear,

Bald it is my queen.  'For and after pictures coming soon.

Arthur, the medijate link is dazzling.  I shall explore it fully.

May the tornados in your life land you softly on new ground.  (Weddings are examples of tornados.)

yer pal,
Michael

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Yay! Soon, all integral men will be a part of my sexy bald plan! Bwahhahaha!

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MIchael,
So glad the bone marrow brought the best news it could.
Stay strong
love
Liz

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Great news Michael!!

I'm still focusing on the complete healing of your tissues,

Pelle

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Hi Michael,

Sending love, peace and healing your way.

(and I am with Liz, bald is sexy)

with love,

Gina

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Gina dear,

Thank for your support.  What a life, eh?

I am reminded again of passages through the cataracts of fear.  A story comes to mind:

Wasps.  Outside of hastening the decay of wood as well as keeping the population of flies in order, is there any other service they provide outside of scaring the shit out of us?

Some years ago, while living with wife #2, there came a quantum leap in the wasp population.  We had nests everywhere on the property.  One in particular was under the deck to the south of the house and its residents ruled the front of the house with vicious diligence.  I hate being stung and everytime I would walk on the deck, the bastards swarmed about me.  It had to go.

One night, reconoitering, I peeked under the deck with a flashlight to get a look at the nest.  There was only 18 inches of clearance from the deck to the ground as the earth sloped upward towards the house.  The joists were 12 inchers so the effective clearance at the nest was only 6” or so.  I would have to crawl from the end of the deck where the clearance was more like two feet up to the nest twenty feet away.  As there was no way to access the nest from above, I was going to have to make that crawl, like it or not, do my business and then get out of there before all hell broke loose. 

I pondered my options for another week as my wife grew increasingly suspicious of the real extent of my manhood.  Finally, I pulled the gear together, bought the biggest, nastiest bug bomb I could find and resolved to take care of things that night.  Big rubber boots with full raingear taped tight at the ankles and waist came first.  Next, I donned a beekeepers head net and taped it tight to my neck.  Gloves came last, with rounds of duct tape to my wrists. 

The night was cool, but I began to sweat in the get up as if under the strain of a losing interrogation.  So, with deep forboding, I ignored the drops of persperation seeping through my eyebrows and began to crawl towards the nest.  I held a flashlight in one hand and the bomb with plasic straw “applicator” in the other.  I could crawl on my belly for the first 10 feet or so, but knew that, near the nest, I would have to roll over and scoot the rest of the way or I would not be able to raise my head high enough to get a bead on the nest.  I had counted the deck planks from the spot where I would have to turn over knowing that, if I went too far, I would run into the nest before I had a chance to bomb the little fuckers.  That would not do. 

Reaching the point of no return, I rolled over and inched forward, counting the planks again, and again, and yet again.  I reached my stopping point and, tilting my head backwards as far as I could, I came face-to-face with the nest.

Dear ones, the sight of it brought me to paralysis.  It had grown another six inches in length and girth over the past week or so and its shape ominously duplicated the business-end abdomen of its hateful occupants.  There was no activity at its coccyx-like aperture but a low, purposeful buzzing could be heard within.  To complicate matters further, the nest had grown to the point that its awful end was only inches from the ground.  The “applicator” was useless as there was barely enough room for me to position the spray bomb and my hand beneath it.  I dared not let go of the bomb or my light as I might not find them again without disturbing the nest, so I held the bomb to my face, and through the mask bit on to the applicator and slowly restled it loose.

I took a deep breath and, driving my hand as forecfully into the dirt as possible, I slowly worked the spray nozzle beneath the hole.  Here, I must confess that a deep, unprecedented paranoia overcame me.  Imagine:  upside down and staring at a nuclear furnace at rest, I knew that my next act would induce calamitous mahhem and that however careful my preparations might have been that these little bastards were fully capable of just chewing their way through my mask and finding whatever holes there might be in my tape job and that I was fully vulnerable to being fucking stung to death right there on the spot.

My eyes swam blinking in the flood of perspiration as my wife said from safety behind the open but screened porch door, “Well.  How's it going?”  To answer I thought, would be suicide, so I screwed my self up tight an pressed the button vowing to hold it down until the last drop was gone from the can. 

With the first “Pssssssssss … ” from the can arose a sizzling shriek whose ferocity soon filled the night.  Dying bodies of the first responders spilled out of the hole and splattered about struggling in the viscid poison.  Within seconds as I continued to spray, the hole seemed to clog with dead marauders while the hive came alive with trapped rage.  The sheaves of wasp paper trembled and the entire hive seemed to shift and strain.  On I sprayed with my mouth grimaced beyond all previous limit and my eyes squinted tight as I murmured, “Fuuuuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkkk!!!!”  Abruptly the botttle began to sputter and I dropped it as I began to wiggle my way back out.

Over the noise of the mad anguish of wasps, I could hear my wife calling “Michael, Michael!!  Are you ok!!?”  As I rolled over on my stomach when I could to increase the pace of my retreat, I forgot about the narrow clearance and raising my head to keep an eye on the nest, I collided with the beam that supported the joists.  This, besides bringing stars to my eyes,  tore the veil off my head and all I could think about was this swarm with nothing but fresh, sweaty face to attack.  Tumbling out from beneath the deck, I ran away from the porch and around to the back entrance to the house which was locked of course, so I ran back to the front porch just in time to see my wife moving to the back door.  As the screen was locked (an, er … thoughtful precaution as you never can tell about wasps, I guess) I had to wait in terror until she returned to the front to let me in.

She looked at me and began to laugh, amused perhaps by my discomposure.  “You should see yourself,” she said, “You're a mess!” - a comment I choose to ignore for the moment as the sound of the wasps still preoccupied me.  Soon, silence arose and the thought came to me that I regretted having left the bomb behind as I would dearly loved to have pointed it in my dear wife's direction for one last little squirt.  (Just kidding, dear ones, heh heh) but it does serve to point out how far I have come from those days.  Today, I know that I would hire an expert to take care of such dirty business, and today, I would be able to almost immediately forgive my wife for her lapse in awareness.

Ah, how wondrous the ways of men and women, eh?

Now, for sure I know that this upcoming transit beneath the porch of chemotherapy will not be so terror-inducing.  Rather, it may seem like an experience within the hive as the queen while all around writhes in fierce purpose.

Yer pal,
Michael

Re: Daily Yak II

Riveting story! Fear of stinging things is one of those completely understandable evolutionary developments that nevertheless can unduly take down the biggest of men.

Honeybees are not the threat that wasps are, but this is not always a rational fear. At our little family reunion this summer, my niece's 6'5” super-fit boyfriend was nearly trembling in fear as he helped my brother-in-law tend his bees. My daughter, on the other hand, was blase, and even helped him to smoke the bees before tending them.

And of male-female interactions: I am fine getting rid of a spider if my daughter needs me to dispatch one on her bedroom wall, but if there's a man in the house, I freely let go of all my bravado and let him do it. It's like there's a switch in there that only goes on when absolutely necessary.

It's all about facing death, I guess. Of the ego, of ourselves…last night I had one of those moments of clarity (one of you Buddhists will have a name for it) when I was aware of the illusory nature of my ego (I am really bad at describing these states-it was far more than that, and very brief) and of all the troubles I've been having. Then my ego stepped back in and I was filled with momentary terror at the enormity of the tasks before me. How can awakening be so simple and so difficult at the same time? Aye carumba.

Liz