Jokes and Laughs

Bring 'em on, peeps! Jokes, that is: bad or good, pre or trans, flatland or 4-quad …

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Monica first posted this in the I-I forums –

A Funny Comparison of Relgions

Taoism: Shit happens.
Agnosticism: I don't know if shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, “Shit happens.”
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it really isn't shit.
7th Day Adventist: No shit on Saturdays.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening.
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Mormonism: This shit is going to happen again.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Protestantism: Let the shit happen to someone else.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you deserve it.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to US?
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.
Christian Science: Shit is in your mind.
Atheism: I don't believe in shit.
Existentialism: What is shit, anyway?
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.
Psychic: Erase this shit.
New Age: You are totally shit free here and now.
Unitarian Universalist: What is this shit.
Jehovah's witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
TV Evangelism: Send more shit and smile.
Integral Bunch: Include & transcend this shit.

And my personal favorite….

Jedi Knights: May the shit be with you!

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Hinduism reincarnated: Holy cowshit

Realism: This holy cowshit stinks

Ch’an: No shit

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The One - abbees: There is no shit

The Atheist dial prayer

Did you hear about the athesist dial a prayer?

You call this number and it keeps ringing and ringing.

Joe

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Taoism: the shit that can be named is not the eternal shit.
Robert Augustus Masters: Shit-Really-Matters
Helen: Craziii shit wot?
Stuart Davis: Shit is my koan of the day. Shit as a verb.
true-blue KW fans: We love Ken's shit!
HeartMind peeps: We are so past that shit.
those still in Integral Naked: There hasn't been much shit here lately.

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alternate Stu answer: This ain't no board game.  This is the deep shit.
Adi Da: I am the final shit.
Andrew Cohen: Shit evolves!
David Eggers: A Heartbreaking Shit of Staggering Stinkiness
George W. Bush: We shit over there so we don't get that shit happening over here.
libertarianism: hands off my shit.

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“David Eggers: A Heartbreaking Shit of Staggering Stinkiness”

ROFL!

Adastra: Here's some interesting shit you should read.
Tamgoddess: I'm fucking tired of this shit!
MaryW: I'm contemplating this shit.
Balder: Feces happen in my subjective awareness.
DavidHoff: What should I do with this shit?
Jane: Shit has an aroma that takes me to another place…

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OK, I'm on the checkout desk, and you just made me literally

LOL

As the proctologist said to his receptionist:  send in the next asshole.

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Ken Wilber
  On the Colonic Nature of Reality: It's shit all the way down.
  On the Ultimate Realization: Shit is always already happening.

The Matrix: There is no shit - it is only your bowels which move.

Videodrome: Long live the revolution of the New Shit!  (Also under
                     consideration as an IIzaadz slogan.)

Bjork: All Is Full of Shit

the Bible: In the beginning was the Word - and the Word was Shit.

…and last but not least…

Shit on a plane!

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Timothy Leary: Turn on, tune in, shit out
Krishna Das: Namah Shit-aya
Billie Holliday: God Bless the Child That’s Got His Own Shit

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James Brown: Papa's Got a Brand-New Shit

my current job: I check shit out.
nascent career path: Got any shit you need indexed?

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well the dear anthro comrades i grew up with would say

this shit happens to teach us something

i say this shit is fookin great!

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Heheheheheeeee …… ! You guys!

More on Integral Institute's Teachers, Artists, & Guests –

Genpo Roshi: Big Mind, Big Shit
Thomas Keating: Surrender to the presence and action of Shit.
Adyashanti: The Direct Shit: If all goes to shit, it's still shit–it can't possibly not be shit.
Diane Hamilton: I can facilitate the shit out of this shit.
David Deida: Masculine and Feminine Faces of Shit
Robert Augustus Masters: Shit Shining Wild
Wayne Teasdale: Out of the self, into the Shit.
Roger Walsh: Karma Shit
Fred Koffman: Shitting authentically
Sally Kempton: As God we shit.
Saul Williams: Hip Shit.
Alex Grey: Visionary X-ray shit
Nathaniel Branden: Taking responsibility after my years with Ayn the Shit Rand
Pema Chodron (not featured at I-I but what the hell): Shit Where You Are.

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Mascha: (blubbering) Why can’t we all keep shitting in the same room?

Have I told you lately how much I appreciate the shit you shitheads put out?

I shit you not. It’s crap of the highest magnitude.

And Mary, when you say, “Now I really gotta run,” I understand. You’ve got the shits.

Oops, gotta go

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Mascha: “Why can't we all keep shitting in the same room?”

Ahh, dear Mascha. I know, I know. (Though I suppose one answer might be: it gets kinda smelly).

Meanwhile, I think I got some more of the shits:

Don Beck: Spiral Shit
Tony Robbins: Unleash the Shit Within
Frances Vaughn: Paths Beyond Shit
Carolyn Myss: Shitting Intuitively
Bill Harris: Holoshit
Br. David Steindl-Rast: Gratefulness.shit
Tami Simon: Shits True
Reb Zalman Schacter-Shalomi: Oy Shit
Michael Crichton: State of Shit
Vernice Solimar: Shit and Spice
Sam Harris: The End of Shit
John Ince: Lusting for Shit

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LOL! You all are just sick and wrong.  ;-) But I must add….

Nurse Monica: Cleaning up the shit.

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I always thought Hare Krishna was:

shit Happens, shit happens, shit shit, happens happens

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Priceless, both of you!

It works best when you actually chant it out loud.

Liz

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Julian posted this funny seasonal tidbit in another thread…but it really belongs here:

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this is some funny shit!

i am so glad i stumbled onto this thread….

:O)

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Julian: we need to ACT on this shit!
Arthur: I'm moving this shit to a different thread.

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Anybody want to join me for some crooked crooning from the Dysfunctional Family Christmas Songbook?

“God Damn This Stupid Christmas Tree” (to the tune of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”)

God damn these stupid Christmas lights! Who wound them up this way?
Remember last year I was still untangling Christmas Day?
Did someone take this cord of lights and use it to crochet?
Oh we tie things on branches that droop. Big friggin whoop.
We are tying things on branches that droop.

Let's not forget the popcorn string–that seasonal cliche.
Why is it no one mentions string one inch takes all day?
This trimming of the tree's as fun as New Year's at A.A.
We tie things on branches that droop. Big friggin whoop.
We are tying things on branches that droop.

And now get down the ornaments we finally packed last May.
Those tacky dime-store ornaments from back in Nixon's day.
There is just one that isn't broke–it's Barbie on a sleigh.
We'll tie her to branches that droop. Big friggin whoop.
We are tying things on branches that droop.

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“Dinner Song” (to the tune of “Oh LIttle Town of Bethelehem”)

Oh giant lump of shiny ham how still you sit tonight.
Though you were made with love by Gram nobody took a bite.
“I don't eat meat,” said Cousin Pete and added his wife Sue:
“We all know that ham's full of fat and fat's not good for you.”

“Glazed ham is almost fiber-free,” said Auntie with a nudge.
“Just take a bite, you'll see tonight: Your bowels will not budge.”
“What's more,” said Dad, a-looking sad, “on cooked food I don't sup.
Don't know 'bout you, but when I do I cannot get it up.”

The little kids ate only fries, their folks on low carbs chewed.
Which left just me prepared to be the guest who eats real food.
But as I reached to take the ham my Gramps said Connie Chung
Once did a show and did I know that pigs eat their own dung?

It's been a year and still that dear old ham sits on the shelf.
And dear old gram, just like that ham, is looking grim herself.
She's not the same as when we came. She's lost her Christmas joy.
A vegan nut, she still cooks–but next year the ham is soy.

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“Auld Dog Song” (to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)

Should old acquaintance be humped first
as I stand on legs so hind?
Or should I hump this brand new guest?
I can't make up my mind.
I guess I'll hump the old one first.
Oh yes, I'll hump him blind!
And then I'll sneak up on that guest
And sniff her old lang syne.

When I was just a tiny pup
I would play with ball and twine!
But now that I am all grown up
I poke where sun don't shine.
Oy yes, I poke my nose right in
So clammy, cold and wet!
That's simply my prerogative
As darling family pet.

Should unprepared guest find me rude
Because I'm so inclined
I'll back off, cute as Scooby Doo
Beloved by all mankind.
I'll cock my head and raise a paw,
Her brown eyes will meet mine
And when she comes to scratch my ears
I'll sniff her old lang syne.

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Star Trek Carols

Jean-Luc Picard (to the tune of ''Let It Snow'')
Oh, the vacuum outside is endless,
Unforgiving, cold, and friendless,
But still we must boldly go–
Make it so, make it so, make it so!


William Riker: (to the tune of ''Deck the Halls'')
Here's a vexing Christmas riddle:
(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)
Why must I play second fiddle?
(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)
How can I impress Deanna
(Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la)
When I'm number two banana?
(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)


Wesley Crusher: (to the tune of ''God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen'')
I'm at Starfleet Academy,
And I'd just like to say
I miss the opportunity
To weekly save the day–
To make things worse, I have to be
In some dumb Christmas play!
Yes, I'm bright, though I'm just a teenaged boy,
Only a boy,
And the Enterprise was my most favourite toy!


Data: (to the tune of ''Jingle Bells'')
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle all the way!
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh–
or so I am reliably informed lacking a subjective
and intuitively perceived referent for the term ''fun,''
I am able only to report the phenomenon as experienced
by others, whose individual perceptions somewhat colour the–
yes, sir.


Worf: (to be to the tune of ''White Christmas'')
I'm dreaming of a dead Pakled,
Just like the one in Rec Deck Eight.
They all think they've hidden,
But this one didn't,
And I'm using him as bait.
I'm dreaming of a dead Pakled–
Their mental skills are rather lame.
May your foes die sonless, in shame–
And I hope you're wishing me the same!

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Bambi Meets Godzilla

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Here’s the lyrics to a classic Bob Rivers parody of of Winter Wonderland. (I heard this years ago, and by coincidence, the local radio station played it yesterday).

Lacy things – the wife is missin’,
Didn’t ask for her permission,
I’m wearin’ her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin’ ‘round in women’s underwear.

In the store – there’s a teddy,
With little straps – like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin’ ‘round in women’s underwear.

In the office there’s a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He’ll say, “Are you ready?” I’ll say,”Whoa, Man!”
“Let’s wait until the wife is out of town!”

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress – like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin’ ‘round in women’s underwear!

Lacy things… missin’,
Didn’t ask… permission,
Wearin’ her clothes,
Silk pantyhose,
Walkin’ ‘round in women’s underwear,
Walkin’ ‘round in women’s underwear,
Walkin’ ‘round in women’s underwear!

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Ha ha, Gman, I knew a guy like that. He had ISSUES… But be that as it may – if “Jingle Bells” have started to bore the shit into you rather than out of ya, here is an old Monty Python stand-by that could help ~

(Children’s choir to the tune of “All Things Bright And Beautiful”)

ALL THINGS DULL AND UGLY

All things dull and u-hug-ly
All creatures short and squat
All things rude and na-ha-sty
The Lord God hath made the lot.

Each little snake that poisons
Each little wasp that stings
He made their prudish venom
He made their horrid wings.

All things sick and cancerous
All evil great and small
All things foul and dangerous
The Lord God hath made them all.

Each nasty little hornet
Each beastly little squid
Who made the spiky urchin?
Who made the sharks? He did!

All things scabbed and ulcerous
All pox both great and small
Putrid, foul and gangrenous
The Lord God hath made them all.

~ Amen ~

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This version of the parable parable of the blind humans and the pachyderm was written by Robert Anton Wilson:

Five stoned men were in a courtyard when an elephant entered.

The first man was stoned on sleep, and he saw not the elephant, but dreamed instead of things unreal to those awake.

The second man was stoned on nicotine, caffeine, DDT, carohydrate excess, protein defiancy, and the other chemicals in the diet which the Illuminati have enforced upon the half-awake to keep them from fully waking.

“Hey,” he said, “there's a big, smelly beast in our courtyard.”

The third stoned man was on grass, and he said, “No, dads, that's the Ghostly Old Party in it's true nature, the Dark Nix of the soul,” and he giggled in a silly way.

The fourth stoned man was tripping on peyote, and he said, “You see not the mystery, for the elephant is a poem written in tons instead of words,” and his eyes danced.

The fifth stoned man was on acid, and he said nothing, merely worshipping the elephant in silence as the Father of Buddha.

And then the Hierophant entered and drove a nail of mystery into all their hearts, saying, “You are all elephants!”

Nobody understood him.

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Let's not forget the J-man on this holliday season.  Watch this video, it's pretty damn funny IMO.

Dr. Katz - Effeminiate Southern Jesus

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Hilarious. Here's one that will remind everyone of somebody.

Myself, I go more for the Star Trek nerds than the Star Wars ones. Come to think of it, I haven't even dated anyone who wasn't since the 80's. Ha!

Liz

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Here's a deep video…many things to be thought about. Deep..deep.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9goLXFJzSik

Patrick

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Boomeritis prayer…

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“Some say reality is an illusion, a dream. Others claim it is whatever can be objectively measured and verified. And some say we create reality with our thoughts, intentions and wishes. I wish those people were dead.” - Stuart Davis, Love Has No Opposite, chapter one

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Liz pointed out this hilarious article to me a while ago…I remember those adolescent days…  :0

Sexual Tension Unbearable Between 15-Year-Old, Rest Of World

November 6, 2006 | Issue 42•45

MELBOURNE, FL—Palm Bay High School freshman Keith Ness said the overwhelming sexual tension he experiences daily between himself and roughly 3.65 billion other people on earth has become “almost more than [he] can handle.”

Ness says he experiences “powerful, electric” sexual energy from almost exactly half the people he encounters.

“At first, I didn't even take much notice of the world around me,” said the 15-year-old of the charged but nebulous relationship he has enduredwith a majority of the human population. “But then, I found myself staring at the sexy way everyone walked down the hall, jogged in the park, or sat down at the bus stop. Something about that blond, brown, or red hair tied back, pinned up, or dreadlocked, really gets me going.”

“It's driving me crazy having to sit here while the world tempts me in those formfitting, playfully conservative, or woolen, shapeless outfits—I can't take much more of this,” Ness added.

Though Ness said he would like to think the world is at least in some way aware of how he feels, he at times despairs that it is oblivious to his desires.

“It's so hard to concentrate on my social studies homework sometimes, when all I can do is wonder if the librarian with the noisy high heels even knows I exist,” Ness said. “Same goes for the silhouette of that girl dancing in the iPod commercial, and whoever it is who keeps clearing her throat in one of the back pews at church. But then again, you don't just go around smelling like lilacs, moisturizer, Chanel No. 5, or the slightest hint of perspiration masked by baby powder for no reason.”

Ness further speculated that the aloof cashier, the seemingly indifferent parking attendant, and the cruel senior volleyball-team captain were probably just having a bad day.

Still, Ness maintained that he is always on the lookout for signs of interest, and claimed he was determined make his feelings public.

“I have no idea where to start, but there's so much about the rest of the world I'd like to get to know better,” Ness said. “I think about it every time I see the world's blue gym shorts with white piping, the belly-dancing aerobic exercise videos, the curvy shape of the lower back on the diagram of the human body in my biology textbook, or contemplate the concept of 'fishnet.'”

“God, there's just so much,” he added.

According to Ness, the situation has been further confused by the feelings he has for much of the inanimate world, including the family lawn mower, which he associates with watching his neighbor Tina sunbathe on a large yellow beach chair while he cut the grass last August; an old dryer outside a neighbor's home, which reminds him of a story he heard at camp about people making out in a laundry room; and posters of the cast of the television program Lost, which he associates with the cast of Lost.

“How am I supposed to live in the same house as the Sunday newspaper considering my undying but unexpressed love for the underwear ads?” Ness said.

The teenager has also expressed concern that his intentions toward his mother's friends, the mail carrier, schoolmate Brian Graney's cousin who visited from Iowa last spring, Natalie Portman, Florida congresswoman Katherine Harris, R&B singer Kelis, and several fictional comic-book heroines, will somehow be misinterpreted.

“I'd hate for the world to think I'm some kind of creep,” he said. “I just happen to be very, very interested.”

Ness explained that he has recently been frustrated by the way the world casts sultry glances at him, coyly does not look at him at all, and walks toward or away from him seductively.

“What more can I do?” he said. “It doesn't matter to me if the world is a little overweight or much, much older, or taller, or a different race, or simply lives thousands of miles away.We just need to admit that there's something between us, and that we'd all regret it if we let it pass us by.”

Frustrated by the situation, Ness said he was gearing up to broach the subject of his desires in algebra class, at an upcoming walk for hunger, in the produce aisle, ordering Chinese food, or on a message board for home-schooled Christian teens, by writing a heartfelt poem, buying tickets to a romantic movie, sending flowers, playfully tossing crumpled-up balls of paper, telling a mutual friend how he feels, or quietly willing it to happen, either later today, tomorrow, Wednesday afternoon, Saturday morning, next Friday, right after Thanksgiving dinner, early next month, certainly before the new year, or whenever he feels ready.

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Has anyone heard the old joke about three umpires: The first umpire says he calls balls and strikes as they are. The second umpire says he calls balls and strikes as he sees them. The third umpire says there are neither balls nor strikes until he calls them.

heehee
arthur

p.s. the fourth empire says there are balls and/or strikes when she wishes for them…

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A teacher friend emailed me this:

No parent left behind

These are real notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district…(Spellings have been left intact.)

1. MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR’S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
2. PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.
3. DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC’s JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.

4. PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
5. PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS.
YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

6. JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
7. CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
8. MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
9. CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.

10. PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.
11. PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )’S WERE CROSSED OUT].

12. PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
13. IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
14. PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER’S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!)
15. I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.

16. PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
17. SALLY WON’T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.
18. MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!}
19. PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
20. PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.

21. GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.
22. PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.
23. MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORE THROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN’T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.

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What's the difference between glossolalia and glossolabia?

With glossolalia you can have real difficulty understanding what they're saying.

With glossolabia you just haven't a clue what they're saying …. it's that damned lip-stick you see.

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 “Being shy and far too polite for my own good, I would listen to her stories, give an understanding ear and sometimes take her on philosophical journeys …”

I know you meant well, B.   …. but if there is a next time …. why not take her on a journey to the final (upstanding) frontier instead?

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Privately Mary mentioned a t-shirt she saw that read “If you are what you eat, I must be a woman.”  hehehe

I tried to find an image of that t-shirt but failed.  FAILED!  <pitiful sobbing>

However, I did find the following two images:

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http://multiplex.integralinstitute.org/Public/cs/forums/storage/212/19184/ts_027.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors." />


r.thor

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There are so many things that come to mind when I read this, dear Arthur…none of them printable…;-)…see you in a week!

Liz

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Q: How many new agers does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: None. They just join self-help groups to learn to
live with darkness in their lives.

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Q: How many second-tier people does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Second-tier people don't change lightbulbs; they transcend and include the darkness.

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Good ones, Arthur and Jane!      :-)

This is old, but what the hell:

How many nondualists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three:

One to change the light bulb.
Another to not change the light bulb.
And another to neither change nor not change the light bulb.

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Well, what's an insomniac to do but roll out another light bulb joke? This one isn't so spiritually oriented, though arguably, since it's a Jewish mother joke…

How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. That's ok, I'll sit in the dark. Don't worry about me. I'm fine.

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How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, the light bulb has to want to change………

Liz

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Another text from my sister in law

How do you get an 89 year old granny to shout “C**T”

get another one to shout “BINGO!”

Liz

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Another old lightbulb joke:

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one.  And that's not funny!

Q: How many people with unresolved anger issues does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Fuck you.


I may have told this joke before, but I love it, so I'll risk repeating myself:

knock-knock
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say “Homeland Security?”

arthur

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By the way, Arthur, that last one is the one that you told my son that he likes the most.

Hmm.

How many Integralites does it take to change a lightbulb? four.

One to change it, and the others for aqal perspective.

Liz

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heehee

Q: How does Andrew Cohen change a light bulb?
A: By helping it evolve to a more enlightened state - by any means necessary (and don't even talk to me about shadow!)

Q: How does Ken Wilber change a light bulb?
A1: By talking to it until it lights up spontaneously.
A2: By convincing it that it's Always Already en-light-ened.
A3: The lightbulb will be changed in 6 months - seriously!

Q: How does Robert Augustus Masters change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't - he's really into Darkness Shining Wild.

arthur

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Which Condom would you use....

Nike Condoms:  Just do it.
Toyota Condoms:  Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms:  You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms:  Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms:  The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack:  Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms:  Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms:  It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms:  The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms:  Like a Rock.
Dial Condoms:  Aren't you glad you use it?  Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms:  Cause hey -- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms:  Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going ...
KFC Condoms:  Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms:  Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms:  Betcha can't have just one.
Campbells Soup Condoms:  Mm, mm good.

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http://multiplex.integralinstitute.org/Public/cs/forums/storage/212/19226/life-in-hell-neutrinos-smaller.gif” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors." />

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q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
a. Two. But you have to get them inside the light bulb first.

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hehehe - cute li'l mice.  Um, they're gonna fry when they get that lightbulb changed though.  :0

OTOH, here's an alternative interpretation:

http://multiplex.integralinstitute.org/Public/cs/forums/storage/212/19248/Micebulb.gif” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors." />


…and now, a word from our sponsor…

'Transcendence restores humor. Spirit restores humor. Suddenly, smiling returns. Too many representatives from too many movements - even many good movements, such as feminism, environmentalism, meditation, spiritual studies - seem to lack humor altogether. In other words, they lack lightness, they lack a distance from themselves, a distance from the ego and its grim game of forcing others to conform to its contours. There is self-transcending humor, or there is the game of egoic power. No wonder Mencken wrote that “Every third American devotes himself to improving and lifting up his fellow citizens, usually by force; this messianic delusion is our national disease.” We have chosen egoic power and politically correct thought police; grim Victorian reformers pretending to be defending civil rights; messianic new paradigm thinkers who are going to save the planet and heal the world. They should all trade two pounds of ego for one ounce of laughter.'

Ken Wilber “One Taste” [December 7]

“If I can't laugh, I don't want to be part of your evolution.” - adastra

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Aw, man, Artrhur. The mice I had pictured in my head were much cuter.

As an addendum to your excellent Wilber quote, I will quote my dearly departed saintly mum:

“Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke!”

Liz

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Aw, man, Artrhur. The mice I had pictured in my head were much cuter.

As an addendum to your excellent Wilber quote, I will quote my dearly departed saintly mum:

“Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke!”

Liz

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

er…just don't take her advice too literally, OK sweetie?  :)

arthur

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My brother sent me this link.

You only need to read the heading :D

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Thanks, Pelle - Liz and I were reading through that hilarious article on the phone and laughing together.  Meanwhile, I discovered that there is a short documentary detailing this important national crisis.

Spider

spider on,
arthur

p.s. I have had a lifelong fear of our arachnid companions - luckily it is much less intense than it used to be, but just so you know, my skin is very itchy right now.  :0
http://multiplex.integralinstitute.org/Public/cs/forums/storage/212/19254/love%20your%20whey.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors." />

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Bonus spider-man panels (found while looking for the above cartoon)

http://multiplex.integralinstitute.org/Public/cs/forums/storage/212/19256/spider-man_funny.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors." />

http://multiplex.integralinstitute.org/Public/cs/forums/storage/212/19255/auntmaysemen4az.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors." />

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http://multiplex.integralinstitute.org/Public/cs/forums/storage/212/19257/dilbert.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors." />

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I'm not really sure this is funny…

Newspapers are unable, seemingly, to discriminate between a bicycle accident and the collapse of civilization.
–George Bernard Shaw

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Green cowboys….

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http://multiplex.integralinstitute.org/Public/cs/forums/storage/212/20600/thinker%20kiss.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors." />

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I was walking Buddy the Beagle this morning (here in Boulder, CO) and saw this in someone's backyard. Thought is was funny!

Fear not, that ”WE!”

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Integrally, of course.

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And that is a bargain price.

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It's always nice to find one's ego in the bargain bin…

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

http://multiplex.integralinstitute.org/Public/cs/forums/storage/212/21000/2006-01-03.Bizarro.Quick_Emails.gif” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors." />

http://multiplex.integralinstitute.org/Public/cs/forums/storage/212/21002/Bizarro-bogeyman.gif” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors." />

http://multiplex.integralinstitute.org/Public/cs/forums/storage/212/21001/bizarro.gif” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors." />

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Lower self in the mood for something subversive? Read on, crazy diamonds.



When Insults Had Class

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
  – Winston Churchill

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
  – Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure.”
  – Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary.”
  – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
  – Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it.”
  – Moses Hadas

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know.”
  – Abraham Lincoln

“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.”
  – Groucho Marx

“I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved
of it.”
  – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
  – Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend…. if you have one.”
  – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is
one.”
  – Winston Churchill, in response

“I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.”
  – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
  – John Bright

“I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.”
  – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
  – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
  – Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.”
  – Walter Kerr

“There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.”
  – Jack E. Leonard

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”
  – Robert Redford

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge.”
  – Thomas Brackett Reed

“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by
diligent hard work, he overcame them.”
  – James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
  – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
  – Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?”
  – Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
  – Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
  – Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…for support
rather than illumination.”
  – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh's ear for music.”
  – Billy Wilder

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Whew, Mascha! Don't I wish I could haul out some one-liners like those when I needed 'em …

Anyway … Liz & Arthur, this pirate thang has apparently spread to some of our most trusted news sources …

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LOL.  I only just saw that last one, pretty funny.  :) 

Here's a funny Scott Adams piece from days of yore:

Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The `90s

Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The `90s

Re: Jokes and Laughs

Nice Darwinian argument, especially given that it paints us geeks in a better color.

I have to register a minor complaint at this, though:
Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike non-corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those who work in tech support).

I claim an exception as one who is in a holding pattern until the opportunity for a graduate degree arises. Besides, my colleagues and I are the most sophisticated of that mocked group! (uh-huh)

Some day I will be a godlike non-corporeal being!

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“Some day I will be a godlike non-corporeal being!”

You aleady are.

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…in my best moments, perhaps inching closer to that ideal.

Of course, the subtle realms are a whole 'nother issue.

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Godlike, Non-Corporeal Colin:

“…in my best moments, perhaps inching closer to that ideal.

Of course, the subtle realms are a whole 'nother issue.”


What??

I'm cutting my daily worship of your GNCCness down by half unless I hear otherwise.

M

Re: Jokes and Laughs

“I'm cutting my daily worship of your GNCCness down by half unless I hear otherwise.”

Hee. I would recommend cutting it down by 84.578%.

Or inversing it…
fractaling it…

And then giving whatever is left a big blissful, non-dual smooch.

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“Hee. I would recommend cutting it down by 84.578%.

Or inversing it…
fractaling it…

And then giving whatever is left a big blissful, non-dual smooch.”

                       You ask a lot,

but never too much of your faithful flock. I like that in a God. Will reschedule and alter worship accordingly, tx.


~M

 Wait… Since when did commandments turn into recommendations? Does this affect the turning of water into wine as well? Are frogs no longer reliable resources, either?  O God, you keep me pondering thy mysterious nature.

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Look at the Earth. Have commandments worked thus far? How many actually listen? And for those that do listen, recommendations are all those blessed souls need…

Water/wine…it's all the same.

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Hehe!

Although real pirate afficonados know that there's no “G” in ARRRRRRHHHH!!

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Speaking of godlike beings, I'm re-posting this Survey by God that I found last year on the old I-Naked forum (No.2 I think it was), for anyone who hasn't read it yet.

SURVEY BY GOD

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

___ Newspaper
___ New Testament
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death Experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Who?
___ Other (specify): _____________


2. Which model God did you acquire?

___ God of Israel
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pack)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pack)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes __ No

If No, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:

___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (e.g., Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe


4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?
Please check all that apply.

___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for self
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To tick off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it


5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.

__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Annie's Mailbox
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock &Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ EST
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around in desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________


6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? If so, which false God were you fooled by?
Please check all that apply.

___ Odin
___ Cthulhu
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Mick Jagger
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ Ronald Reagan
___ A burning cabbage
___ mushrooms
___ Other: ________________


7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer:

___ More Divine Intervention
___ Less Divine Intervention
___ Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
___ Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.

Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following:
(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):

Disaster:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship

Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President
1 2 3 4 5 my present relationship


9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5
(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):

1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

Re: Jokes and Laughs

LOL!

I'd like to answer and see what score God gives me … I'm assuming She already has my address …

1. How did you find out about God?

_x_ My mama done tol' me 
 x     Other (specify): a voodoo queen done tol' me

2. Which model God did you acquire?  (– a combo answer)

_x__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack)
_x_ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
_x_ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes _x_ No

If No, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:

_x_ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
_x_ Makes mistakes (e.g., Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
_x_ Requires burnt offerings


4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?
Please check all that apply.

_x_ Enjoy organ music
_x_ Graduated from the tooth fairy


5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.

x_ Star Trek re-runs
x_ Fortune cookies
x_ Wandering around in desert 
x_ Other: chocolate, II-Zaadz & z-blogs


6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? If so, which false God were you fooled by?
Please check all that apply. 

_X_ Other: da chronic

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer:

_x_ More Divine Intervention, dammit!

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.

Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following:
(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):

Disaster:
I'll have to say 1 (“unsatisfactory”) on Repub. congress and Dubya

Miracles:
Those are all pretty miraculous, but I'm particularly impressed by remissions, stars (whether or not they hover over towns), and VCRs that set their own clocks.

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5

A “5” on God's courtesy.

Re: Jokes and Laughs

Ha!
I know people who found out about God from NPR!

Mascha, I especially like your post “When Insults Had Class.” I'm studying it.
I bet there's a ton of great Oscar Wilde insults…
Not a joke, but an astute observation, from Wilde:
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”



Here's a joke that really deserves a visual, but I can't find it in cartoon form, so do the move yourself as I'm describing it:

“Why did the blond go to church?…
Because she heard there was a guy there hung like this.” (arms outstretched WIDE, as if on cross)

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The Chocolate Jesus might go well with that joke, Lauren.

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How Fundamental Particles May Work

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Whoa - fundamental particle porn! Coolness, Balder - you perv.  :p  Reminds me of some of the posts in the infamous Found Porn thread. 

Moving onward and inward…

So, I just found a bunch of chinese fortunes; I'll list them here using the “in bed” convention - you know, when you add “in bed” to a chinese fortune for added amusement value. 

YOU CAN SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM IF YOU EXERT YOURSELF …in bed.

YOU WILL DO WELL WHEN YOU EXPAND YOUR HORIZONS …in bed.

FAME AND FORTUNE ARE IN YOUR STARS …in bed.

SEEK TO ESTABLISH YOUR INNER SENSE OF SERENITY …in bed.

YOUR HOME IS A PLEASANT PLACE FROM WHICH YOU DRAW HAPPINESS …in bed.

YOUR LUCK WILL SOON BE AT A HIGH  …in bed.

~~~~~~

As usual, most of them work pretty well …in bed.

spiral out (of bed),
arthur

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I once received a fortune that made me go “hmmph!” because it souded like an insult disguised as advice  …. but looking at it anew, perhaps it wasn't so bad:

TRY A NEW DIET AND EXERCISE ROUTINE  …  in bed.

Off to sleep now,
(you guessed it … in bed)

:P

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Top 10 Stupid URL's (that actually exist!)

1. Who Represents chose the webpage: www.whorepresents.com
(doesn't sound like a classy presentation)

2. Experts Exchange: www.expertsexchange.com
(ready for your new gender?)

3. Pen Island: www.penisland.net
(nothing for dykes)

4.Therapist Finder: www.therapistfinder.com
(ehh, no I'm not looking for a rapist)

5. Italian Power Generator: www.powergenitalia.com
(speaks for itself…)

6. Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
(somehow I don't feel safe leaving a kid there)

7. IP Anywhere: www.ipanywhere.com
(please pee in the bathroom instead)

8. First Cumming Methodist Church: www.cummingfirst.com
(church goers get to cum first)

9. Speed of Art: www.speedofart.com
(smelly smelly)

10. Lake Tahoe: www.gotahoe.com
(that's a rude question thank you very much)


no 6 seems to be offline now.
adapted from a Swedish site by yours truly

/P

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Hey Pelle
I wish to make a formal complaint :-)

Re the pen island comment, I protest at the specific exclusion of my entire family, what happened to transcending and including?

Don't you think my life is hard enough? Every time I give a stranger my e-mail addres they think it's a description, at this rate I am going to be forced to wear my sexuality on my sleeve, or anywhere else it can be clearly seen.

Liz

maybe I should just change my name:-)

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Girl, you need to change your orientation!

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What can I say, Liz, maybe I just haven't met the right girl :-)

Liz

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LOL Liz

Now that you mention it I vaguely remember a past reference to you family name…

I'm sorry, you and your family are most welcome to Penis-land, Dildo-land and wherever your heart's desire may take you :P

**ducking for cover**

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I remember watching this when it was on TV and nearly pissing myself.

If you do nothing else today, watch this episode of Whose Line Is It, Anyway?.

Liz

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Why bike shorts are black:







8P

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The pics aren't showing up in either of my browsers.

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oh no!
you MUST see this!

anyone else having the problem? maybe i can try posting them another way. i just “ctrl c”d from my email account and “ctrl v”d here.

mebee i looked too much and the images done burned up..

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Lauren –

You could try uploading them into your Zaadz photo album, then copying and pasting them here.

(I'm not able to see them, either)

Mary

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that seems to work
dis zaadz technology is da shit….

Michael Franti says
love is the shit that makes life run…………..

Me say shit is the stuff dat mek life fun

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and this one's for Liz!


Yarr! Did ye be hearin' about the pirate that walked into the bARRRRR with a steerin' wheel attached to the front o' his pants? The bARRRRtender comes up to serve 'im, and the pirate demands a rum and coke. (Because he's a pirate, and pirates love rum… and coke…) The bARRRtender gives a funny look to the steerin' wheel, but fixes the drink and brings it to the cap'n. Finally, his curiosity gets the better of 'im, and he asks the pirate, “Did ye know there's a steerin' wheel in the front o' yer pants?” To which the pirate replies, “Yarr, it's drivin' me nuts!”

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Hey Lauren

I've seen this joke before…so here goes.

Why bicycle shorts are black:

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thanks r.thor!

you've got the same pics as me. thanks for saving me the time…
best,
lauren

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All i know is, I’m passing on bachelor #2…

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The UN carried out an opinion survey throughout the rest of the world on the food shortages and got the following results:  

In Europe people didn't understand what a shortage was. 

In China people didn't understand what an opinion was.  

In India people didn't understand what food was.  

In America people didn't understand what the rest of the world was.


Liz

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Liz, you clearly are envious of our “freedom.”

;o)

Liz

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just sharing because I laughed when I heard it this morning?

How are a turtle and a blond the same?

they're both screwed when they're on their back.

cheers.. parumph. 

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Not sure whether to post this here or under Integral Relationships.


Ah, what the heck:

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A duck walks into a bar and says ” Got any bread?”

And the barman says “No”

The next day the duck returns and says “Got any bread?”

And the barman, “No!”.

The following day the duck returns and says “Got any bread?”

“I told you yesterday, N-O NO!”

The next day the duck returns and says “Got any bread?”

“For cryin' out loud - N-O spells NO and I mean NO! !”

The day after the duck returns and says “Got any bread?”

“Look, if you ask me one more damn time if I've got any bread,

I'm going to nail your damn beak to the damn bar!!”

The next day the duck returns and says “”Got any nails?”

“No!”

“Got any bread?

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I love statistics, don't you?

http://www.dysan.net/weird/show/674.html

We need a firm date of with draw!

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A how-to for zaadz:

How to argue effectively

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

Drink liquor.

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about.

If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date.

But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: “I think Peruvians are underpaid.” Say instead: “The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.”

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: “This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?” Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, “You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom.”

Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

• Let me put it this way
• In terms of
• Vis-a-vis
• Per se
• As it were
• Qua
• So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as “Q.E.D.”, “e.g.”, and “i.e.” These are all short for “I speak Latin, and you don't.”

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, “Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money.” You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, “Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D.”

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

• You're begging the question.
• You're being defensive.
• Don't compare apples to oranges.
• What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what “parameters” means. Don't forget the classic: YOU'RE SO LINEAR.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873…
Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
You say: You're begging the question.

You say: Liberians, like most Asians…
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You're being defensive.

Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, “That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say,” or “You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler.”

Re: Jokes and Laughs

Holden I loved that whole joke. Just what I need for my work cocktail parties.

Re: Jokes and Laughs

from http://postrapturepost.com/

	“Watch ye therefore: for ye know not when the master of the house cometh, at even, or at midnight, or at the cockcrowing, or in the morning: Lest coming suddenly he find you sleeping. And what I say unto you I say unto all, watch.” (Mk. 13:35-37) The time of the rapture is at hand. The signs described in the Bible that foreshadow the return of Jesus Christ are becoming all too clear. Not all who live during coming Great Tribulation will be spirited away to be with God. The Bible tells us that only those who repent of their sins and follow the teachings of Jesus Christ may enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Do you know someone who is in danger of being “left behind” because of a sinful life? Imagine if you could write a letter to a friend or loved one after the Great Day of Reckoning. Maybe a message to your family telling them to trust in God, and that everything will be okay. Perhaps you would leave instructions to care for your pets after your departure. It could be that your message is the light that opens a sinner's eyes to the Glory of God and allows them entrance to Heaven during the trials before the Second Coming. This is where the Post-Rapture Post comes in. Just write your letter and it will be hand-delivered immediately following the exodus of the pure from the Earth. But you must be thinking to yourself, “How can the letters be delivered after the Rapture?” The answer is simple. The creators of this site are Atheists. That's right, we don't believe in God. How else would we be able to deliver your correspondence after the Rapture? The Bible says that, “He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life: and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him.” (John 3:36). Do you want to take the chance that your loved ones will have to suffer through your ascension into Heaven without knowing how you really feel in your heart? Sign up for the Post-Rapture Post today to guarantee that, while you are gone, you will remain in the thoughts of those left behind.

Re: Jokes and Laughs

from http://www.curioustimes.com/

THE ONLY WORD THAT PERFECTLY DESCRIBES THIS COLUMN
Time to do my part to prod along the evolution of the English language. According to The Guardian newspaper in London, the chief editor of the Oxford English Dictionary has opened a file on the word “meh.” While not yet considered popular enough to enter the OED, if the popularity of meh continues to grow it may just become official in the near future. So what the heck is meh? Meh is used ubiquitously online as the ultimate retort of dismissal. Meh is blah, whatever, who cares, ho-hum. Not surprisingly, the Simpsons have done the most to encourage the word in popular culture, for example when Bart interrupts Marge’s discussion of weaving with a “meh” and when Homer asks the kids if they want to go to Blockoland and receives the reply “meh.” The first example of meh in print occurred in 2003 when the Edmonton Sun rant the headline “Ryan Opray got voted off Survivor. Meh.”

Re: Jokes and Laughs

Get Your War On

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…and last but not least, for Maryw with love…War on Snakes:

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-arthWAR

Re: Jokes and Laughs

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D.
>Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
>
>This is how it works:
>
>I decide to water my garden.
>
>As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide
>my car needs washing.
>
>As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch
>table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
>
>I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
>
>I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can
>under the table, and notice that the can is full.
>
>So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the  garbage
>first.
>
>But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out
>the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
>
>I take my checkbook off th e table, and see that there is only 1 check
>left.
>My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my
>desk where I find the can of Diet Coke that I had been drinking.
>
>I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Diet Coke
>aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
>I see that the Diet Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in
>the refrigerator to keep it cold.
>
>As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Coke, a vase of flowers on the
>counter catches my eye–they need to be watered.
>I set the Diet Coke down on the counter, and
>
>I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
>I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water
>the flowers.
>
>I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and
>suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
>
>I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV , I will be looking for the
>remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
>decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
>flowers.
>
>I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
>floor.
>So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe
>up the spill.
>
>Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
>
>At the end of the day:
>
>—-the car isn't washed,
>
>—-the bills aren't paid,
>
>—-there is a warm can of Diet Coke sitting on the counter,
>
>—-the flowers don't have enough water,
>
>—-there is still only 1 check in my check book,
>
>—-I can't find the remote,
>
>—-I can't find my glasses,
>
>—-and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
>
>Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
>baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
>I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
>but first I'll check my e-mail.

Re: Jokes and Laughs

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered “I'm doing my math homework, Mom.”
“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.
“Yes”, he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

~~~~~

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' “.
The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”.
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: “Holy Shit! A talking chicken!”.
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Re: Jokes and Laughs

Having problems with telemarketers? Here's your solution. Copy and paste the address to your browser to make it work.

http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=lwzge004pk

Re: Jokes and Laughs

Bystanders were quite surprised by G.W. Bush’s strong reaction to the news that 3 Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iaq. “Oh no, oh my God, oh, this is the worst day of my life!!!! What are we going to do - this is horrible!!!”
Cheney took him aside, saying “W - get our act together, please. It’s bad, but we’ve had worse days!”
GW: “what do you mean - worse days? 3 brazilian soldiers, that’s like…how many is a brazilian again..?”

F

Re: Jokes and Laughs

Re: Jokes and Laughs

THE PSYCHIATRIST AND THE PROCTOLOGIST

      Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign
                                 reading:
           “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.”
       The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors
                           changed it to read,
                       “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.”
      This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
                              council, they
           changed the sign to “Catatonics and High Colonics.”
                                  No go.
        Next, they tried “Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.”
                            Thumbs down again.
                      Then came “Minds and Behinds.”
                              Still no good.
         Another attempt resulted in “Lost Souls and Butt Holes.”
                            Unacceptable again
                 So they tried “Analysis and Anal Cysts.”
                              Not a chance.
                            “Nuts and Butts?”
                                 No way.
                           “Freaks and Cheeks?”
                               Still no go.
                            “Loons and Moons?”
                                Forget it.
       Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:


                “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.”

Re: Jokes and Laughs

The tricks we play…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHYnahPkJI8&mode=related&search=

Re: Jokes and Laughs

I recently thought of a new word, for use as an integral insult: assholon

That is all.

arthur

Re: Jokes and Laughs

Re: Jokes and Laughs

Thoughts for the week:

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN :

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

But Most Of All, Remember .

A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

=================

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?”

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Re: Jokes and Laughs

> In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade
> name and generic name. For example, the trade name
> of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
> Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
> Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
>
> The FDA has been looking for a generic name for
> Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of
> government experts, it recently announced that it
> has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
> Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,
> Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
> Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon
> be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by
> Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a
> mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
> literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can
> no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new
> meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and
> just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”. Pepsi will
> market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT
> & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money
> being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than
> on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
> there should be a large elderly population with
> perky boobs and huge
> erections and absolutely no recollection of what to
> do with them. If you don't send this to five old
> friends right away there will be five fewer people
> laughing in the world
>

Re: Jokes and Laughs

Liiz!    


Here's a related story, flabby but true:

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day… 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

Re: Jokes and Laughs

Just in from the internet passed-along-from-a-friend:


Say not, 'I have found the truth,' but rather, 'I have found a truth.' -Kahlil Gibran, mystic, poet, and artist (1883-1931) —————————————————–  ZEN- reinterpreted If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
_____________

 Be here now.

 Be someplace else later.

 Is that so complicated?
_______ _____

 Drink tea and nourish life.

 With the first sip… joy.

 With the second… satisfaction.

 With the third… peace.

 With the fourth… a danish.
_____________

 Wherever you go, there you are.

 Your luggage is another story.
________________

 Accept misfortune as a blessing.

 Do not wish for perfect health

 Or a life without problems.

 What would you talk about?
_________________

 The journey of a thousand miles

 Begins with a single “oy.”
________________

 There is no escaping karma.

 In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never
 visited.

 And whose fault was that?
________________

 Zen is not easy.

 It takes effort to attain nothingness.

 And then what do you have?

 Bupkes.
_________________

 The Tao does not speak.

 The Tao does not blame.

 The Tao does not take sides.

 The Tao has no expectations.

 The Tao demands nothing of others.

 The Tao is not Jewish.
________________

 Breathe in. Breathe out.

 Breathe in. Breathe out.

 Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be  the least of your
problems.
_____________

 Let your mind be as a floating cloud.

 Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.

 And sit up straight.

 You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded  shoulders.
______________

 Be patient and achieve all things.

 Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
________________

 To Find the Buddha, look within.

 Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.

 Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.

 Each blossom has ten thousand petals.

 You might want to see a specialist.
___________

 To practise Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following:

 Get rid of the motorcycle.

 What were you thinking?
________________

 Be aware of your body.

 Be aware of your perceptions.

 Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a  terminal illness.
_______________

 The Torah says, “Love thy neighbour as thyself.”

 The Buddha says there is no “self.”

 So, maybe you are off the hook

Re: Jokes and Laughs

Came across this on “stumbleupon.” How did they know about my pirate fetish?? Anyway, I specifically like rules # 26, 31, 33, 47, 50, 55 (see here), 59 and 60. In other  pirate-related news, I got in the middle of a catfight today (no, a real cat fight–fur flying and all) and now my arm is really sore where the neighbor's cat punctured it. I may have a hook for a hand soon.

Oh, and #6? What do you think they mean by treasure, hm?

Liz

A pirate does not ask for directions. He relies only on his gut feeling, a compass, or a treasure map. Parrots are the preferred pirate companion. Monkeys are an acceptable substitute, unless they fling their feces at people. Then they are an awesome substitute. When fishing, a pirate uses either a sword, a knife, or his bare hands. Use of a hook is only acceptable in the event the pirate is missing a hand. Pirates shall always wear boots, except in the case of a peg leg. Then one boot is acceptable. Flip-flops are right out. Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of rum. When describing the size of a treasure, a pirate is required to exaggerate by at least 130%. Flowers are not treasure under any circumstances, unless said flowers are made out of gold. A pirate shall never wear lipstick, nail polish, or capri pants. Actually, that kinda goes without saying. No pirate shall discuss his feelings, unless his feelings include gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails. A pirate should always remove his hat in the presence of a bartender. During a swordfight, swordfighting insults are required. In the event both participants are still alive at the end of the fight, the participant with the superior insults shall be declared the victor. No pirate shall ever wear a “fanny pack”. All foods prepared by a pirate must include rum, grog, or beer. Boone's and other “Wench Punch” is prohibited. A pirate may never compliment another pirate on the softness of his hands. No pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace, unless it is the tooth or tusk of an animal he killed. If in the presence of cannibals, a necklace is acceptable camouflage, but only if said necklace is made of human toes. Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a shower. No pirate shall drink Grog out of a glass. Grog is only to be consumed either straight from the barrel, or from a mug heavy enough to to kill a man. Three-cornered hats, headbands and bandanas are the only acceptable headwear for pirates. Fedoras, bowler derbies, baseball caps, mickey ears, top hats, sombreros, or anything with lace and flowers will be removed from the vessel– head included. A grace period of one minute is allowed for hats looted from a tailory. A pirate shall never wrap presents. The only thing a pirate gives is a bludgerin'. Pirate Law: A pirate does not use the word “Fabulous”. Ever. No pirate shall attend a movie with less than an Arrrr rating. Only a pirate is capable of killing another pirate. If you are not a pirate (let's say a ninja) and wish to challenge a pirate, they have a word for that. Corpse. Pirate Law: “ARRRRRRRRRRR…” is a perfectly acceptable answer to any question. A pirate does not “go shopping”. Unless by “shopping”, you mean “killing”. Peglegs must be made of timber or some other suitable wood. Plastic, ceramic, porcelain, or metal peglegs are utterly unnacceptable, simply because it complicates the use of the phrase “shiver me timbers”. Real pirates have chest hair. If you cannot grow chest hair, you may be a cabin boy. Under no circumstances is a comb-over an acceptable pirate hairdo. No pirate may ever change his shirt because it is “wrinkled”. A pirate may only change his shirt if it is completely soaked in blood. When drinking, Pirates may sing. “Fifteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest” is preferred. Kelly Clarkson songs are not allowed. No pirate shall ever drive a minivan, unless he drives the minivan into a tavern, for the purposes of looting barrels of rum from said tavern. Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be burned. No exceptions. No matter how hard it is raining, two pirates may never share an umbrella. Pirates do not fear rain. If circumstances demand a career change, a move into real estate brokerage or tax collection shall be considered a lateral move and said individual may keep their pirate status. A pirate does not snuggle with an animal, unless he is trying to snap its neck. But I guess that wouldn't really be “snuggling”. A pirate may never wear another man's clothing, unless he first kills that man. Two pirates must never share a bed or a hammock. It is perfectly acceptable for one pirate to sleep on the floor, or on a pile of treasure. Pirates do not wear eyeglasses or bifocals unless they are looking at a treasure map, and even then they are allowed only a monacle. Any comments about “Mr. Peanut” while wearing the monacle are prohibited. When setting out on a voyage, a pirate does not pack a suitcase. He is only to bring what he can carry under his arms, or what his wench can carry on her back. A pirate does not mow the lawn. Lawns are for landlubbers. Lifting or removing one's eyepatch is extremely impolite but is not considered an insult. It's just kinda gross. Likewise, one should never remove another pirate's eyepatch, except with a sword to the face. Pirates never use the words “fresh” or “feelings,” and certainly not together (as in “I have that not-so-fresh feeling”). A pirate must never visit a tanning salon. If he is not already tan enough from searching for treasure, he hasn't been searching hard enough. While creativity is encouraged during any barfight or battle at sea, pirates may only use the following types of sword; falchions, scimitars, rapiers, and particularly long knives. Katanas or any other Ninja sword are strictly forbidden, unless the Pirate rips off a Ninja's arm and hurls the arm, and attached Katana, as a projectile. No pirate shall ever sit on a toilet seat, for any reason. Kidnapping is an acceptable substitute for killing, but only if it is for the purpose of plank walking at a later time. When swimming, pirates do not dive. They cannonball. Cannoneers aboard a pirate vessel are not allowed to use hearing protection of any sort. No matter what the OSHA regulations say, if ye can't stand bleedin' from the ears, you have no business being a Pirate. A pirate will never wear a patch that is any other color than black; unless it's halloween. then they can wear a patch with an eyeball painted on the outside. Polka dots are not permitted under any circumstances. Female pirates are allowed some exception to rules concerning hygiene and garmentry, but must make up for it by using twice as much profanity. Hooks are the only acceptable hand substitute. However, they may not have secondary attachments such as screwdrivers, bottle openers, corkscrews, or nail files. These are Pirates we're talking about, not Inspector Gadget. A pirate's diet consists mainly of meat. If at sea, and meat is not available, shoe leather is an acceptable replacement. Pirate Law: You can't spell pirate, without “irate”. There's a reason for that, so don't even try. No pirate will ever, ever raise his pinky when drinking any sort of beverage. Pirate Law: When choosing clothing, even if it looks dirty, or smells dirty, it is clean. A pirate may ride in a rowboat, if traveling to or from his ship. Use of a Kayak is only permitted if used for cannon target practice. When drinking rum, the only thing a pirate adds to the rum is more rum. The official Pirate religion is Pastafarianism. No pirate shall ever play wiffle ball. Under no circumstances does a pirate speak with a Ninja, unless he first decapitates that Ninja and uses his head like a sock puppet. When at the office, answering the telephone with “Arrrrrrr” is perfectly acceptable for pirates. Other acceptable choices are “Avast!”, and “Ahoy Matey!” A Pirate does not read poetry, unless said poetry is scrawled on the wall of a bathroom. All women are to be referred to as wenches, with the exception of female Pirates, who can be referred to as “lass”. Pirates do not clean up, except when gold falls out of a treasure chest. Spilling rum is not acceptable, except in the act of “pouring some out for dead mateys”. A pirate may tell any tale of swashbuckling without being called on the details, as long as at least 51% of the story is true. A pirate may never shave below the neck. Shaving above the neck is allowed, but only if the pirate shaves his entire head. In the presence of cannibals, a mohawk is acceptable. No pirate may do the arm movements for “YMCA”, or engage in country-western line-dancing. Pirates do not say “please” or “thank you”. The phrase “Arrr, I'll probably kill you tomorrow” is an acceptable alternative for “Thank you”. Should the ship's bow have a carving of a naked wench, mermaid, or something of the like, crew members should not touch it. Feeling up a wooden statue is unbecoming of a pirate. Pirates do not “IM”. The only instant message allowed is a sword through the chest. Dental Hygiene for Pirates is not a priority. Should there be occasion, however, strong rum or salt water can be used as mouthwash. Anything “minty fresh” is strictly forbidden. Pirates never, ever obey laws. Period. Ironic, I realize. And finally, How do you know if you are a pirate? You just “Arrrrrrrr”… Thanks to: Connor M, Greg B, CT G, Bruce M., JC W, Don N, Phil H, Thom K, Nonda L, Bryan C., Menno C, Nathan W., Ernesto F, Shane C, Sebastian S, Vladimir S, Jesse B, Ray H. and Dudley B. Keep em coming! piratelaws@gmail.com">got a pirate law to add? email piratelaws@gmail.com