Regression in service of ego -- telling my story

Here is a story of early trauma in my life…I was around six or seven years old, and my family had gone on holiday to a beautiful summery home of a friend who lived on Vancouver Island.  The friend, an older man, took us around on an exciting nature trail that first afternoon.

As a little boy, i always tended to wake up early – like 5 or 6 am – most often before my parents (of course!).  I was excited about this trail we had been shown, and, full of confidence and the thrill of adventure, thought that I would head out on my own and go around the trail before my parents even woke up.

Well, I got part way into a forested area – and lost my way.  I can recall the feelings of panic and disorientation that came over me when I lost track of the trail.  I looked around for the trail, but could not find the way forward nor back!  I ended up deciding to move towards the sunlight that I saw coming through the trees…I kept going, and luckily, came out on a road.  I still didn't know where I was, but fortunately I had come out in a neighborhood area.  I was crying very hard at this point, and began walking along the street beside the houses.

Most fortunately, an adult in the one of the houses heard me crying, or saw me from the window, and came out to the road to get me.  Once inside the house, they were somehow able to figure out where I had come from (I suppose I had a name of the person we were staying with).

A little while later, the older man came over with his bicycle and picked me up, and took me back to the house where my parents were.

I recall significant nightmares for a period of time after this event, and a fear of becoming lost again.

Re: Regression in service of ego -- telling my story

hehe
i have a similarly strong memory of when i was about 7 getting lost and being found with two doteful old ladies looking after me, all smiles…

Regression in service of ego…
thats an interesting title, and one that seems relevant to me, in a big way…

i have had traumas, for sure, like almost anyone, and that fits side by side next to regression.
I have been playing a shadow game with regression-rebellion-addiction-, essentially the rebel, and backsliding into old habits and ways has im sure given my ego many a guffor of glee, and my Mother’s approach to such habits has been(very positively) to simply not go there, but it could never have worked like that for me - the moments of expreimentation, and the point where consciousness (or lack of it) was the object to discover, had its roots way back in the beginning…
But now, having both tamed the tiger and honoured the rebel, it is possibly my greatest strength, and offers bridges to others in a stat of more turbulence than im fortunate enough to find myself in.
In my job, it has become clear that there are essentially two approaches to helping our students (teenagers with an array of labels to do with dvelopemental delay and social difficulties) - 1, impose rules and structure, because ‘its best for them’ (and who are you to question my greater wisdom)
which has raised my heckles from the moment i became aware of it)
and 2, to respect freedom, empower with humility, as well as boundaries, when needed. essentiualy to honour the rebel (because thats what they do anyway), start from the person in front of you, and engage their enthusiasm.
Its a s simple as ”If you listen, we listen”

So sometimes i see regression as something sliding into childish habits and lack of self-discipline, but sometimes its regression into the safety of given rules and structures, and dogma, and it all serves the ego (who is of course our greatest ally as well as foe)

Re: Regression in service of ego -- telling my story

There is much to aknowledge in both of your post, Durwin and Melv,

These stories make me think of a place in which I go these days, sometimes.

It's seems as a regression, but I think it is not. Sometimes, when I'm faced with my own suffering, which is at the moment made of consciousness about how my mind functions in endless tries to avoid suffering, I tend to feel terribly lost and unable to cope. I then give up, but what is happening then, is that this attitude is creating a great opening to life and it throws me in a flow of here and now. Then a kind of joy appears. I feel the same when faced with the suffering of others and when I don't give the usual talk, like “all things pass” or things like that.

It's like: I fight, see it's useless, give up all hope, stay here, and hope appears, but in a different manner than the one I used to cling on.

Regression in service of the ego?

Patrick

Re: Regression in service of ego -- telling my story

Yes – I think so…I think these are both examples…regression in service of ego is illustrated in a diagram in Integral Psychology, of the therapeutic spiral, where the individual cycles back down and through via regression, in order to then emerge into new patterns of growth…

I am aware today of the importance of honoring the three pillars of integral psychotherapy…the shadow, Spirit (the light, I guess you might say), and growth or evolution.  I am facing a deadline with regards to my dissertation proposal which has me feeling overwhelmed…I found myself retreating to my bedroom for a while, doing a David Deida practice that I thought was really excellent…basically, not doing anything until one feels motivated by love…at a certain point, I went through some self statements to sense whether or not some shadow motivation might be present…”I want to get laid” (that's an easy first one!); “I want to eat” (big one for me)…these were not so big…but then “I want power” – bingo!  That one “lit up” when I spoke it to myself…

And just naming it made some difference, and I am up off the bed, and down here at the computer…

Re: Regression in service of ego -- telling my story

Durwin, the symbology of your story touches my soul! It is totally analogous to my experience, except my journey through the wood took place without ever leaving the city. ;) In my mind I see it like this: While wandering, I came across the tree of my life. I stand at its base for what seems like an aeon, and then I start digging. I dig and dig in a descending spiral, deeper and deeper into the darkness, until I reach the source. The source of my suffering and the source of my salvation united. Then I dissolved myself into the source, and became the tree; growing ever upward, with my face to the sun. That is how I came to be posting this instead of pushing up daisies.

Re: Regression in service of ego -- telling my story

I was moved, Durwin.

I feel strongly that a facet of that jewelled miracle of we-ness is that we can allow ourselves to tell our stories of trauma in a medium in which we can be truely heard, understood and held in a compassion which will not try to reassure, not try to silence, not try to rationalise or interpret, not try to kick against….because each of us in our own way is a wounded healer and our stories touch each other mothlike against the flame of our own suffering. Therapists are, to a body, wounded healers. I applaud your honesty and openness in this sacred space.

I was an intellectually precocious infant. My working-class parents had no time for me because they did not understand where I came from. I was bullied at school for being smart and having buck teeth. There were daily after-school beatings. Domestic violence at home. I know the value of silence and withdrawal. I can reproduce the pattern of woodgrain  that was the underneath of my father's desk from memory; I hid there a lot. I know all about being lost. There were no kind rescuers in my world. As a corporate exec I was a hard hard bastard. I discovered yoga and beat my fists into blood against the wall for years. 25 years of personal growth on I am an open-hearted warrior. I have forgiven fully. My mother, who was not strong enough for me to feel safe with died in my arms three years ago and I had eviscerated all hatred of her. I have screamed primally until voiceless and cried myself into dehydration. And now I am relatively okay with myself.
Because others listened. Others understood.  Others held me as I went through it. And there's the rub; it's never what happened to you, it's the way it's dealt with.


Researchers in the 1970s into the black ghettos found strong, vibrant women amidst the rapes, drug use, the red powergod of it all..and all because of tender, strong, supportive motherhood. Take it back, back into Africa…where the Masai have grief benches..when somebody dies, the bereaved sit there…and each tribe member goes and sits beside the bereaved and recalls some memory of the deceased..and hold nothing back….”I never liked your husband” they may say…its all real…authentic..and the grieving is not held back and is shorter than the 18 month frame of the techno-civilised…not what traumatises but its reparation….

So let us walk into the future together, that is where our roots are…the tree analogy inverted…let us support one another personally, professionally, dialogically..in this miracle we call We.

Re: Regression in service of ego -- telling my story

Thank you very much for this.  I do not have words available at the moment.  BTW, you write very well!  This response has returned me to my body, a good thing for a sometimes disconnected heady guy.  I'm under the weather at the moment – I think I'll go lie down for a while.

Durwin

P.S.  Professionally, I'm a little concerned about confidentiality on this stuff…

Re: Regression in service of ego -- telling my story

My philosophy is one of transparency. Speaking personally, I am willing to windtunnel skeletally in the interests of fostering greater communion through transparent agentic missive.Blessings, jon x