So - What IS Love?

I'm new here - and in the spirit of knowing that I am exactly where I should be RIGHT NOW, I know that this was the right time for me to find this pod!!!

I am just entering a relationship with a man I met on the internet. Funnily enough, he lives right across the river from me (and we are both near the bridge) and we likely have passed each other in the Supermarket before now! Again, I am sure that the right time for us to meet was RIGHT NOW…wherever it ends up going….

However, in the day to day stuff, I am finding myself challenged and asking myself “Where is this going?”.  This is soooo different from my last 2 serious relationships - the first, my marriage which lasted 22 years and then a 3 1/2 year relationship post-divorce. Looking back, I think I entered the marriage more to escape the hick southern town I was in with someone who “could take care of me”. The second relationship I entered was a little more balanced in that respect…I trained as a massage therapist and have been paying my own way all along. But as my marriage was not overly-physical, I think I stayed in that one because he filled THAT need…..Either way - I had definate attachment issues in both relationships.

And in both relationships, we ended up getting physical almost immediately, which I think confused things for me. This time things are going much more slowly and so I am dealing with a different way of starting a relationship….one where I am not being “validated” in the way I am used to.

So here I am, asking myself - WHAT IS LOVE?  I really like this guy and I am trying to just enjoy the ride whilst we get to know each other. I DID love the hubby and BF, but perhaps not in a healthy way….

So - now that I think I FINALLY grew up (or at least I can try to keep that disappointed, needy inner child under control…wellllll…most of the time : ;-) :     I am trying to figure out - what is it that will make this (or perhaps another ) relationship the one that has a healthy love that can see us through the good and the bad times?

Re: So - What IS Love?

That's kind of a tough one.

In a way, the older you get, the more 'hesitations' you bring to a relationship, so you do have to do more conscious work to get past the worries you bring from past relationships.

 This would be true for both of you, so who knows what kinds of hesitations and issues he is bringing to the table.

So, when you get older you do have to expect things to be a bit more difficult. You both have more to lose, so there has to be some negotiation.

 But, you do want to have some passion going on. You said, what is love - well, imo the root of love is a biochemical, biological bond. Just being with the other person triggers off a delicious flow of brain chemicals. With that base, and some self-knowledge and the willingness to talk, love has a good chance to work out.

Re: So - What IS Love?

“imo the root of love is a biochemical, biological bond. Just being with the other person triggers off a delicious flow of brain chemicals. With that base, and some self-knowledge and the willingness to talk, love has a good chance to work out.”

I Love that little snippet.

I think love is innevitable as long as that willingness to both give and receive is available between the relatees. I was going to say between 2 lovers, but not everybody swings that way. Some people fall in love with things too.

Reality is affectionate. Love her and she’ll love you back. Whatever meaning you scoop into that word seems to work.

Re: So - What IS Love?

Hi Dancer,

I can't answer the question you ask with any certainty, but I can tell you what I've discovered in my own life.

For me, the real meaning of love is caring so much for the other person that his/her happiness is more inportant to me than getting my needs met. Of course, for this to work, the other person has to feel the same way, or near enough so as to have some equality in the relationship.

When I love Kira in a way that is about what I need, our relationship gets to be a mess, but when I lover her in a way that supports her growth and happiness, our relationship rocks and I feel more aligned with who I truly am.

We all have needs that must be met, and that is part of the role of relationship. But it is my experience that if each partner loves the other in such a way that it supports growth and happiness, those needs will get met without having to feel needy.

Essentially, we love the people we are with exactly as they are, and with the knowledge of who they are when they are their best selves as the guiding principle. When I am being a self-contained narcissist, Kira tries to love me as who I am when I am open and sharing. That supports me in being more of my best self.

Not sure that helps at all, but that's what I've learned – much of it the hard way.

Peace,

Bill 

Re: So - What IS Love?

What is love?  I think the only way to know is by loving.

It seems so cold to “define” love, but love (at least in very general terms)  seems to be the emotional-fueled thoughtful practice of compassion.  Compassion is great >> feeling with.

Blessings,

Kevin 

Re: So - What IS Love?

I like this quote a lot:

Love is an expression of the willingness to create space in which something is allowed to change.

–Harry Palmer

Re: So - What IS Love?

As I have no answer to this question, I just want to share this nice poem about defining love:

Re: So - What IS Love?

Nice quote Kira,


Again why we need to define Love…
Isn't it important that Love Is?
Same as God, if you try to define it,  it will prove to you that you still dont know anything.
' Love is', this is the only thing matter…..better not to try to explain it.

Rishi

Re: So - What IS Love?

What is Love? The thought comes to my mind….

It Is what happens when you see your Self in others, it is not something that turns on or of. It happens of it's own accord, Self creation. If what you call love has conditions, it is not Love, or perhaps you have it confused with love of an experience and not Love of the Self.

There is Love of Self, Character, and Experience. The self never changes, but character and experience does.

~Richard Thomas
From the Book and Movie “Infinite Play”

Re: So - What IS Love?

Love for me is a journey, it is not hate, nor is it war. it is definitely willing to tolerate idiosyncrasies. love isn't about changing someone else into the image we want. nor is it willing to run away, for love is not fear.

love is the total ability to trust someone, and know that they are there with you. it is an action, not a statement. saying I love you, and making love, are two entirely different feelings. love is meted out to each others needs through action. sometimes self sacrifice, other times just being.

it is a natural current within me, I can't shut it off. I know that it is difficult at times in my anger to remember love. but it is something I strive for, not being so wrathful and harsh, remembering love.

love is feeling your partners pain, even if they are at work across town. love is being in a room full of people, and just a look at each other, both are on their way out the door heading home, to be with each other.

this is love for me, not contentions or adversity or politics, but true communion of the souls.

Re: So - What IS Love?

My definition of love has evolved over the years…

Love is the feeling of attraction you have for someone, or a great fondness for another person, place or thing.

then…
Love is placing someone else's wants/desires above your own.

then…
Love is the sacrifice of self for the growth of other.

then…
Love is the willingness to hold a space for someone to be exactly who they are.

then…
Love is Pain.  (The same way Life is Suffering.)

Aeryck

Re: So - What IS Love?

Dancer ,

Is this necessary to define or put lable to your feeing?
Now you are with this person , enjoy the moment in it's totality.

Dancer my experience says that most ppl love or enter in a relationship just for the sake of being in Love/relationship…. Some, due to peer pressure, some, for other reasons (as  in your case) and  in later stages this creates rifts….
Anyway we all learn with time. It is wonderful that you are now mature enuf to see the situation clearly and enjoy the relationship in it'sabsolute terms.
Just dont try to define it. Take things as they are…
Love has different meaning to different ppl at different times..:)

Best wishes for you
Rishi

Re: So - What IS Love?

Love (as theory; as I see it confined to ink and paper) is simply loving something more than your own life.  It is, in abstract, a thing -that if taken away from you, you would simply cease to be.  It is the metaphysical equivelent of a heart or a lung.  If taken, one cannot operate on the realm which it is designed to function.  Love, in that sense, is all feeling.  The reason that these mere physical properties continue to function -DESIRE TO FUNCTION.

Re: So - What IS Love?

Too often, we confuse love with ownership, possesion or neediness.

Love has nothing to do with any of these nor with how long a relationship has lasted.
Love exists moment-to-moment-to-moment.

I have written a poem about called “What is Love?”

http://iloveyou.zaadz.com/blog/2006/11/what_is_love

and a short blog about it:

http://iloveyou.zaadz.com/blog/2007/2/on_romantic_relationships

and also the following poem about it:

her Entrance is a happy ray of sunshine into the room,
and yes!
I can live with or without her.
After all, I myself am a bundle of joy,
and I do not believe in sentimental love songs
like
“There’s no sunshine when she’s gone.”
Because, even during the times when she’s away from me,
the sky is still shining and the sun is still beautiful,
except, of course,
when it rains,
but even that is really cool,
because, after it rains,
I can see the rainbow.

Re: So - What IS Love?

  Love is complete patience.  It hit me late in life & to be quite honest, I didn't like what it turned me into.  True enough I allowed myself to trust & learn to be patient when someone needs more from me than I could sometimes spare, but I had total control of my emotions & goals until love sent me on a whole different trip.  I don't regret it, I just don't think I will be ready to ever give that much of myself to someone for a very long time.  For those who can give themselves & surrender themselves whole-heartedly without worrying about pain & regrets, I admire you.