Living with an "unenlightened" partner

First, I want to say that by “unenlightened”., I don't mean that *I* have reached enlightenment! ;-) But for the purpose of this discussion, I mean living with someone who does not practice self-awareness and introspection, either alone or in a group, on a daily or  frequent basis.

When I was single, I read “there is no Prince” and used an excercise there to write the top 10 things I wanted in a partner. Russ mostly fits the bill - he is passionate and sensual, he's extremely supportive of me and has great listening skills, is financially secure (by which I mean he has a steady job that pays the bills), and is generally honest and open with me…he has no addictions, he doesn't want kids (I'm menopausal and am happy with it!), he's not racist or bigoted. He's learning to dance and loving it, likes travel, etc….So I'd say that he  generally fits what I was looking for in a life partner.

The only thing on my list that he is “lacking” in was “wants to improve self”. Not that he won't talk about things, discuss issues, etc. But he is dead set against any kind of structured group or one-on-one classes/therapies/whatever you want to call them.

I find it frustrating at times when I see his suffering over things that, to him, are his “identity” (Eckhart Tolles Ego-self) as well as when he projects things onto me that are just not true (the latest was that I don't like going out on his boat - quite contrary, I LOVE it! I just don't push for it because I know it is costly and his funds are a bit thin right now). I know that part of his reactiveness stems from the extreme hurt he experienced with his last break-up and the fact that he doesn't want to be hurt like that again, so he is looking for everything that *might* go wrong. I just want to really enjoy his company and discuss whatever comes up for each of us as it arises, and for him to be at peace with his ED (which, funnily enough has not been as bad lately) and to learn to live with the bodily pains that he has (including taking responsibility for looking at his diet as a possible partial cause…) rather than complaining about them almost constantly.

I see others here who seem to be in a similar situations - partners who have not/will not seek guidance about how to reduce their suffering, their anger, and frustrations. How do you remain centered, loving, and compassionate when your partner “gets on it”?

I do have a sliver of hope in that Russ did agree to read Tolles “The Power of Now” - how far he has gottenI don't know, but his comment on the first chapter was that he thought Tolle to be “pompous”.  ;-)

Re: Living with an "unenlightened" partner

I'm putting thisout there again as I would like to hear how others deal with partners who do not practice some kind of self-reflective/personal growth practice.

As I mentioned in my last note, this is the one “kink” that I have in my present relationship. Not so much that he doesn't practice anything, but that his reactions to things often goes against my practices…

For instance, last night we were discussing the fact that he may be overlooked for a promotion  - probably for political reasons but to be honest, I can see where his “attitude” could be seen as undesirable - even when he says things half jokingly. This is a guy who has a heart of gold towards those he loves, but who reacts strongly to perceived threats in ways that could easily raise the defensiveness of others…..

In this case, he threatened to make the supervisors life “miserable” if he doesn't get the promotion by only doing what he absolutely has to in the future, not picking up the slack for others, etc.

I generally just let his stuff slide off me, but it can be frustrating at times too.

I would love to support his personal growth, but he is not interested in trying any courses, etc.

ANyone out there in a similar situation?

Re: Living with an "unenlightened" partner

That's a tough situation. I can't say I've ever been in anything like it, so my experiences don't apply very much.

I'd like to think everyone has an instinct for self-actualization. But not all self-actualization looks like self-development.

The thing is, can a person who is really into self-development have a long term relationship with somebody that isn't? My experience says no. The two people are moving thru life at different speeds, they're going to drift apart.

You could give up most of your self-development effort - and try to reduce your speed.

You could not worry about it, and enjoy what happens while it happens. Which kinda begs the question of what happens when your different life speeds pulls you apart.

But you don't necessarily have to worry about that - it might solve itself.

Re: Living with an "unenlightened" partner

Hi Pam,

I agree with Bill. I think you'll eventually get to the point either where he becomes enlightened - that would be great! - or where you'll mutually agree to move on…

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My partners so far over the last 25 years (3: my first boyfriend, then husband, now the current one) have been great about talking about spirituality, but the first lost his way and is still trying to find it, the second continues to think he has “the” truth and that I am spiritually and morally bereft, and the third is always making fun of my life. I'm too busy, spend too much time with my friends, and too into meditation and self-development.

I can see I will be moving on. Just looking for the right way to do it.

In the meantime, I am keeping my boundaries clear, and being the willow tree or the river, not letting myself get dragged down by the stuff whenever I possibly can do that, letting it go as soon as I can if I am ever vulnerable to it.

Namaste,

Nicole

Re: Living with an "unenlightened" partner

OK, ya got me! 

Dancer, when I read your post, I joined this pod. 

My WHOLE LIFE is great, except for this one issue.  The issue of my relationship with my partner of 23 years is the rubics cube of my life. 

I'm sure THIS is where the most learning is for me right now, because this is absolutely the hardest.

Six years ago I left, but I came back.  I just won't leave him. 

On the one hand, I think I'm “propping him up.”  On the other hand, I sincerely believe that it is impossible for me to abandon someone who has come this far through the journey of life with me when he has so many health problems, and so many challenges. 

I gone to counseling for 3 different long series of months with 3 different counselors, 2 of which were really good.  He actually went with me for 2 of the 3.  I pray and meditate. 

It's like not having a partner, because there is so little comfort or support from him.  But on the other hand, I'm not in this relationship for what I can get out of it.  I love him.  He is the father of my children and a good person. 

I am a tree in winter and I don't know what to do!!!!

Re: Living with an "unenlightened" partner

Hello Martha,

you said:”I am a tree in winter and I don’t know what to do!!!!”

Just wait until spring comes again ;-)

Sincerely, I don’t really know what to answer you on that but I understand you a lot. I have also lived a situation like this. Going away….getting back…because I loved him. Finally I left him definitively after all but it was more because of his alcohol problem that was driving me nuts.

I believe you can live with someone who is not looking for enlightenment as far as he (or she) respect and tolerate your ideas…

Waiting for spring here means to me: Try to embrace the moment when you’re not happy about it because you would love to have him more by your side for this issue but looking forward, knowing that better times are to come where you just enjoy being with him because, after all, you love him and consciously savoring the moments you hold him in your arms. Loving unconditionally, in this specific case, is such a wonderful feeling. Just accept it and hold him tight.

Love,
Diana

Re: Living with an "unenlightened" partner

Diana,

Well, when I first read your post, I really, really thought that there is no spring.  I thought you were the ultimate optimist.  BUT, now I think spring is possible.

What happened is I talked to Cynthia, who is here at Zaadz (sorry, my insert-a-link thingy isn't working right now, but she's kind of all over the place, she has that icon with her picture and she's got that Big Smile).  I spoke with her on the phone.  She has written a book called The Aura Advantage.  She shared some techniques with me for working with energy within my relationship, and I'm very surprised that it actually seems to help, and I would say in just a couple of days, it's helped A LOT! 

For example, she told me how to clear yukky energy off the energy chord that connects me with my husband.  After I went through that imaginal procedure, that very day, I began to feel a wonderful sense of LOVE toward him.  It wasn't something I had “tried” to do, but came upon me unannounced.  This has happened several times since. 

So, Just wanted to post the good news.  I'll see how it goes. 

Martha

Re: Living with an "unenlightened" partner

Thanks Martha for sharing this with us. It surely is a good thing to have other great souls around like Cynthia (I know her too but have never talked to her on the phone…).

Yes, why not, try it out, …, and you can call me the ultimate optimist, but I believe that at the end, we all are for those things we REALLY want to solve. You are the perfect example… you’re doing it right now!

Namaste,
Diana

Re: Living with an "unenlightened" partner

Thank you for this thread!
I've been questioning my relationship concerning this topic lately, and came to the conclusion that it is pointless to continue if there is no change. My partner is 
not interested and does not understand what self improvement is all about. I could probably get along with someone stable and caring etc. but he is severely depressed  and has vast amounts of doubts and fears, devouring all energy that he could possibly put into the relationship. He won't get any help and he won't talk about it in any meaningful way. I wonder sometimes weather anything I say gets through to him. Unfortunately I love him and he has been for a while now, my best friend, and I am afraid of causing more harm if I leave. Also it is impossible for me to deny him my friendship.

Generally I think these kinds of relationships will fail at one point, if the *unenlightened one* doesn't make the shift in consciousness, because the challenges you will face will never be
 conquered together, since you will be operating on   different levels, which means there is no real togetherness. Of course this could be ok for some. Personally I don't need a relationship if it really isn't one. So I guess I'll be leaving, once I figured out how to do it, causing the least amount of pain for my friend. 

oh, this song sometimes reminds me of my relationship:
Gotye - Heart's a Mess:
…
Your heart’s a mess
You won’t admit to it
It makes no sense
But I’m desperate to connect
And you, you can’t live like this
…

Re: Living with an "unenlightened" partner

Although this topic was posted a long time ago, and hasn't been updated since 2007, I felt a need to post because this is an interesting topic that I resonate very much with.
But instead of being with an unenlightened partner, I was the unenlightened partner. My now ex was very into spirituality, philosophy, metaphysics, etc. I wasn't. It's not that I'm not an insightful and deep thinker, quite the contrary, but many of my thoughts and ideas exist here in the concrete and physical world. Anything I can't touch or see doesn't even come into my though process. He wanted to teach me, but gave up after he realized he didn't know how.
This is partly because he's working on external growth, as he's been wrapped up for so long in learning all about spirituality and everything, that he has a hard time coming back down to this reality. It's also because as much as I was interested in learning, he didn't know how to get me very interested in a way that truly resonated with me.
Now that we've broken up, it's been a very good kick in the head for me. I've talked to so many people with so many insights, and this relationship really acted as a great catalyst towards my internal and spiritual development. He actually gave me the book The Power Of Now for Valentine's Day, which I didn't read before, but I'm now ready to begin.

I don't think it's impossible to get your partner to become interested in enlightenment and spirituality, I just don't think it's as easy inside a relationship. One of my teachers told me now that I'm alone again I have to use this as my time for growth. When you're in a relationship, you sort of get trapped in a bubble and only really focus on the dichotomy of the relationship itself and not on you alone.  My huge problem was the cynical walls and boundaries I put around myself and others, which he helped knock down, but there was something that just didn't click with him to me. 

And this is what really brought me here, so while he's out doing external growth, I'm here working on my own internal growth.

Thoughts? Insights? Stories? Opinions?

Re: Living with an "unenlightened" partner

I've had “enlightened” and “unenlightened” partners. 
Both have their own rewards and challenges and all my relationships have been beneficial for my own growth (and hopefully theirs).  I no longer have a preference.
I can't help feel it's a bit like the grass is greener on the other side.
We never know when we (or other factors) are going to change their spiritual journey or when they are going to change ours.
Isn't love part of the spiritual journey?

Re: Living with an "unenlightened" partner

I don't think I will have a partner who was not interested in personal development. But isn't everybody interested in own development? - thinking integral, we all are at some level/stage, and are reaching for higher. It just sometimes looks like reaching for nothing, when our friends/partners reach for something that we ourselves have given up on our own path.

It takes a lot of empathy to see where our partner is and what s/he is striving to gain. Right now I have the luck to be in a relationship where we are running in parallel, but this is … just pure luck, I guess :-)

Re: Living with an "unenlightened" partner

I can resonate with your perspective, BJ, in that I don't make advance decisions about who to be in relationship with, although I have no strong resonance with people who have not made a conscious decision to engage in personal growth. Those decisions about who I get close to are made by wiser, vaster portions of my self. And they are always growthful, as you said, BJ. For me because that's my choice, and for the other if they choose.

I'm not sure I agree, Knud, that everyone is “interested in development” and “reaching.” Some people are not apparently growing or interested in growth. It's happening, because life does that, but it might not be apparent to anyone! I like the ones who have made the choice and are carrying it out, who indeed are obviously interested and actively reaching. 

And I like even more, the ones just ahead of me or just behind me. Those are the most enjoyable. But growthful and enjoyable aren't always the same.

So my human self takes whatever relationships flow, but that human self also has strong preferences for enjoyment and Quality of Life-enhancing partners!

Thanks Aliya for opening this thread again. It really is a classic and important issue in relationships, and worthy of extensive discussion.

Blessings, OM Bastet

Re: Living with an "unenlightened" partner

Just wanted to add a P.S. about the FORM of relationships. Our society offers us just a few “boxes” into which relationships can be put: spouse, live-in lover, friend, no-contact, and a few others. 

But I believe each relationship has its own natural expression, its own natural form and way of being structured and carried out, unique to the two people involved. It might not be easily labeled. It might not fit any conventional picture.

Many of us suffer because we don't let a relationship be what it is, we try to cram it into one of the boxes, and of course it doesn't fit, and that causes great distress to both parties. Expectations and roles are set up that just can't be fulfilled.

Takes some courage to “go outside the box” literally, in defining what your relationship to someone will be, but consider the alternative, and perhaps the courage will happen!

Specifically what I mean is that just because you “love” someone doesn't mean you have to live with them or focus all your partnering energy on that person!

Blessings, Rev. O.M. Bastet 

Re: Living with an "unenlightened" partner

I have contributed this thread to the Collective Wisdom: Library of Community Threads. 

Hope more people jump in here and add even more wisdom on this important topic!

Blessings, OM