Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
 
   ADULT:
  A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the
  middle.
 
  BEAUTY PARLOR:
  A place where women curl up and dye.
 
  CANNIBAL:
  Someone who is fed up with people.
 
     COMMITTEE:
  A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
 
   DUST:
  Mud with the juice squeezed out. 
 
  EGOTIST:
  Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 
 
  HANDKERCHIEF:
  Cold Storage. 
 
  INFLATION:
  Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 
 
  MOSQUITO:
  An insect that makes you like flies better. 
 
  RAISIN:
  Grape with a sunburn. 
 
  SECRET:
  Something you tell to one person at a time.  
 
  SKELETON:
  A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
 
  TOOTHACHE:
  The pain that drives you to extraction.  
 
  TOMORROW:
  One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.  
 
  YAWN:
  An honest opinion openly expressed. 
 
  WRINKLES:
  Something other people have, similar to my character lines

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Nicole, sweetheart, you are so funny! Thanks for posting this!

Hugs

Claudia

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Haha funny nicole and great. How are you doing?

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

thanks for asking, Naomi, it is very well with me, though I must say it has been a challenging week in some ways. and you?

love,

nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

It's been a really challenging month lol I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel now still.  And how's your sister doing?

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

it's been a tough month for many! glad you see the light at the end of the tunnel. my sister is full tilt in rehearsals for her big play. well enough to work but just temporary, underlying condition will return… she must change her life… very very hard

love,

nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Aw I'm sorry that sounds really difficult to go thru.
  Love Naomi
PS is there anymore funny things you found?  I really need to laugh today.

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

((((((((((Naomi))))))))))))

Here are some humour links for you

http://www.collegehumor.com/

http://dir.yahoo.com/Entertainment/Humor/

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?


Plato:                For the greater good.

Karl Marx:            It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli:          So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
                      as a chicken which has the daring and courage to
                      boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom
                      among them has the strength to contend with such a
                      paragon of avian virtue?  In such a manner is the
                      princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates:          Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
                      pancreas.

Jacques Derrida:      Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
                      within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and
                      each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial
                      intent can never be discerned, because structuralism
                      is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary:        Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
                      would let it take.

Douglas Adams:        Forty-two.

Nietzsche:            Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
                      gazes also across you.

Oliver North:         National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner:         Because the external influences which had pervaded its
                      sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a
                      fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while
                      believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung:            The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
                      necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at
                      this historical juncture, and therefore
                      synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre:     In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
                      the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein:  The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the
                      objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came
                      into being which caused the actualization of this
                      potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein:      Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed
                      the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle:            To actualize its potential.

Buddha:               If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-
                      nature.

Howard Cosell:        It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
                      events to grace the annals of history.  An historic,
                      unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt
                      such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to
                      homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

Salvador Dali:        The Fish.

Darwin:               It was the logical next step after coming down from
                      the trees.

Emily Dickinson:      Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus:             For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:  It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann von Goethe:    The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway:     To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg:    We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
                      was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume:           Out of custom and habit.

Jack Nicholson:      'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
                      reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic:   What road?

Ronald Reagan:        I forget.

John Sununu:          The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
                      transportation, so quite understandably the chicken
                      availed himself of the opportunity.

The Sphinx:           You tell me.

Mr. T:                If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

Henry David Thoreau:  To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
                      out of life.

Mark Twain:           The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Molly Yard:           It was a hen!

Zeno of Elea:         To prove it could never reach the other side.

Chaucer:              So priketh hem nature in hir corages.

Wordsworth:           To wander lonely as a cloud.

The Godfather:        I didn't want its mother to see it like that.

Keats:                Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.

Blake:                To see heaven in a wild fowl.

Othello:              Jealousy.

Dr Johnson:           Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have,
                      you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the
                      Need to resist such a public Display of your own 
                      lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.

Mrs Thatcher:         This chicken's not for turning.

Supreme Soviet:       There has never been a chicken in this photograph.

Oscar Wilde:          Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in
                      town ought never expose one to such barbarous
                      inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a 
                      road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the 
                      chicken in question.

Kafka:                Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade 
                      insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.

Swift:                It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome,
                      filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume
                      to question the actions of one in all respects his
                      superior.

Macbeth:              To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.

Whitehead:            Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of
                      misplaced concreteness.

Freud:                An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter)

Hamlet:               That is not the question.

Donne:                It crosseth for thee.

Pope:                 It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.

Constable:            To get a better view.

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Chicken Crossing The Road:

Mr. Prophet: Did the chicken cross the road or did the road cross the chicken?

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Edgar Allan Poe: Quoth the chicken “Nevermore”.
Col. Harlan Sanders: To be based in my 29 spices and join his relatives in a bucket.
El Pollo Loco: cause he was crazy!
President Bush: To look for weapons of mass destruction!
Ghandi: To search for everlasting inner peace.

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Why did the Chicken Cross The Road?
William Shatner: To boldly go where no chicken had gone before!
Jessica Simpson: Is that a trick Question?
Rod Serling: Because although he didn't know it, the road led to the back streets of the place we call TheTwilight Zone.
John Gray: Because chickens are from Jupiter and poop is from Uranus.
Cookie Monster: He see a cookie?
Alan Greenspan: To provide nutrients to the masses thereby fulfilling his role in a growing economy.
Joel McHale: To find her Vajayjay!
Dali Lama: To discover the joy of  his inner chickeness.
John McCain: Because his name was Joe the chicken and he didn't want the government to give away the money he was saving to buy the chicken coupe he was working in.  

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

How many ways can a chicken cross the road? :):) Thanks Mr!

Love,

Nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

A few here I haven't seen before. I kinda specialize in chicken-road jokes. Check down in my profile, and the link to my blog of all the past ones. I still have a lot up my sleeve, and I am still making some up……

Blessings, OM Bastet (cluck cluck)

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Cool, OM! Thanks for dropping by,

Love,

Nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Dear 1 Vector 3,

I hope you haven't seen mine before, I made them all up one 1/2 when I had nothing elese to do.

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Hey, Mr.,

Happy to meet another person who thinks like a chicken… er, many famous folks.

Your Shatner one I had seen before, it's a natural thought. The “did the chicken cross the road or did the road cross the chicken” one is very similar to one I have posted, think it was from Einstein, about relativity.

But you're right, the others I had not seen before, which is not surprising if you made them up, LOL !!!. Check out the ones I made up and see whether great minds are thinking alike !!!!

Blessings, OM Bastet

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Thanks Nicole the chicken was hilarious!!! lol And why do we always seem to get stuck on such unimportant nonsensical questions?  Is it hardwired into human nature?

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Maybe, Naomi! How else to explain why scholars in the middle ages apparently got all intent on figuring out how many angels could stand on the head of a pin? :) though actually, it seems like they weren't actually embroiled in this particular issue but it's more of a parody - see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_many_angels_can_stand_on_the_head_of_a_pin%3F

Hugs,

Nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Lol!! Yeah great nonsensical unimportant question. Hm I wonder if that goes for worrying to? That we get caught up in it when the things aren't really that important.
  Hugs! Peace Naomi

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Naomi, it's all a process! we all sweat the small stuff sometimes…

hugs,

nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

LOLOL! perfect pic too!

Hugs,

Nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

oooooh, Eli! :):)

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

They're both great Eli. Especially the one where woman like silent men, so true some days.lol
 Peace Naomi

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Naomiiiiiii :):)

Thank youuuuuuuu

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Hahahaha!!! great one Eli! I need to find some funny stuff. lol hugs

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

More to come soon Dear Naomi, keep looking :)

Love

Eli

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

That'd be great!! Especially tonight man hopefully I won't be as busy later on so I can look at more stuff on gaia. lol

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

comforting… not! :)

Re: Humour - Press F1 to continue

Re: Humour - Press F1 to continue

Re: Humour - Press F1 to continue

Good one, Eli! Now I have some more treasures to share with my family! We love laughing together, thanks for the material!

Hugs

Claudia

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

hahaha I agree with the Nicole that first one is so not comforting!! lol The second is hilarious thanks Eli.

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Oh well done! Great start to the day Eli!

Love to you all (Claudia - fantastic icon - where did you find it dear?)

Nicole

Re: Humour - Power of Punctuation

An English professor wrote the words :
“A woman without her man is nothing”
On the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.


All the males in the class wrote :
” A woman, without her man, is nothing”

All the females in the class wrote :
” A woman : without her, man is nothing”

Re: Humour - Go to sleep

Re: Humour - Go to sleep

Stopping by here ended up being a great way to start the day - thanks for the laugh with my coffee - best breakfast there is!

Hugs

Re: Humour - Go to sleep

lol Claudia, go to sleep :):)

Re: Humour - Go to sleep

Thanks Eli for the great jokes! You're the best!

Love,

Nicole

Re: Humour - Go to sleep

…yes Nicole …i am also voting with you !!

-jagadish

Re: Humour - Word Menu

Re: Humour - Word Menu

What great choices Eli! What version of Windows do you have? LOL!

Hugs,

Nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Yeah seriously Eli where can I find that program? lol Thanks for all the laughs.

Re: Humour - Warning : email Virus!!!

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

It appears to affect those who were born   prior to 1940.

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Who me?

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well, fooey!

6. Causes you to hit 'SEND' before you've finished. Oh no - not again!

7. Causes you to hit 'DELETE' instead of 'SEND.' and I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit 'SEND' when you should DELETE.' Oh No!


IT IS CALLED THE C-NILE VIRUS!

Re: Humour - Warning : email Virus!!!

Oh dear, that is a tough virus to counter indeed! No amount of sailing down deNile will help  :)

Love you muchly, my dear Eli!

here's another dangerous e-mail virus:

If you receive an e-mail with a subject of “Badtimes”, delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it.

This is the most dangerous Email virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.

It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty.

It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.

It will give your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Badtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boyfriend/girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card.

Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase grade-schoolers with your new snowblower.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.

It will move your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voicemail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection… Just be very careful!

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Haha that’s great Nicole!!! And hilarious Eli C-nile indeed so sad. Isn’t there one for texting that effects your phone? lol

Re: Humour - The Guru

Re: Humour - The Guru

LOL! Naomi :) and Eli, oh the good old days eh? where we used to go to the library to get info not Google it.

Love,

Nicole

Re: Humour - Marriage

Re: Humour - Marriage

Grooms!  Once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: “Yes dear.”

:) Hugs,

Nicole

Humour - How the credit crunch will affect Britain

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Hahaha!! So funny! Thanks Eli and Nicole
Peace Naomi

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

My pleasure, Naomi. I love the way you are so appreciative! Here's another one for you -

Subject: Hickphonics . . .

The Atlanta school board, learning that Oakland has started labeling black
slang as a language - "ebonics" - has decided there is a need to designate
southern slang as a geographic language.  Ergo, hickphonics,which is to be
taught in all southern schools.  A speaker  of this would be a hickophone.
Here is a sampling from the  hickphonics dictionary:


HEIDI  -   noun.  greeting.

HIRE YEW  -  complete sentence. remainder of greeting.
Usage:  "heidi.  hire yew?"

BARD  - verb.  past tense of "to borrow".
Usage:  my brother bard my pickup truck.

JAWJUH  -  noun.  a state just north of florida. capital is lanna.
Usage:  "my brother from jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER  -  noun.  state just west of jawjuh.
Usage: "a tornader went thru bammer 'n left $20 million in improvements."

MUNTS  -  noun. a calendar division.
Usage: "my brother from jawjuh bard my pickup truck and i ain't herd from
him in munts."

THANK  -  verb.  ability to cognitively process.
Usage:  "ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE  -  noun.  an alcoholic beverage.
Usage: "ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT  -  adjective.  not smart.  see "arkansas native".
Usage:  "some of those bammer boys sure are ignert."

RANCH  -  noun.  a tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage:  "i thank i left my ranch in the back of my pickup truck that my
brother from jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL  -  noun. a petroleum-based product.
Usage:  "I sure hope my brother from jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR  -  noun. a conflagration.
Usage:  "if my brother from jawjuh don't change the all in the pickup truck
he bard, that thangs gonna catch far."

TAR  -  noun. a rubber wheel.
Usage:  "I hope my brother from jawjuh don' git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TARRED  -  adverb.  exhausted.
Usage:  "i just flew in from lanna, and boy are my arms tarred."

FARN  -  adjective.  not from here.
Usage:  "i caint unnerstand a wurd he sed...must be from some farn cuntry."

DID  -  adjective.  not alive.
Usage:  "he's did, jim bob."

EAR  -  noun. a colorless gas (except in l.a.)
Usage: "he cain't breathe...give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR  -  noun. a sharp twisted cable.
Usage: "stay away from that bob war fence, jim bob."

JEW HERE  -  noun and verb contraction.
Usage:  "jew here that my brother from jawjuh got a job with that bob war
fence company?"

HAZE  -  a contraction.
Usage:  "is bubba smart?  nah, haze ignert. he ain't thanked a minnit in
his life.."

SEED  - verb. past tense.
Usage:  "i ain't never seed new york city"

VIEW  -  contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage:  "i ain't never seed new york city...view?"

HEAVY DEW  -  phrase. request for action.
Usage:  "kin i heavy dew me a favor?  go bah me that linnerd skinnerd tape."

GUMMIT  -  noun. a bureaucratic institution.
Usage:  "them gummit boys sure are ignert."

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

HAHAHA!!Man those are extremly funny.  A little hard to read I must not be from a hick town or redneck lol

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Ahahaha!  I loved all of these!  =)  It's too late to go through all of them, but I'm sending all of them (especially the C-Nile virus!  Teehee~!) to my mother!  Woohahaha…

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Glad you enjoyed them, Shuya and Naomi! Want more then?

From

the canonical list of funny definitions - op. 44

Sniglets and similar phenomena

There are some more at A Lexicon of Neologisms. The ones there are not the same ones here; the following tend to be Rich Hall's Sniglets from the old HBO show Not Necessarily the News or just bad puns.

A.A.A.A.A. - an organization for drunks who drive
abundunce - a dumb bunny
accordionated - able to drive and refold a road map at the same time
aeroma - the odor emanating from an exercise room after an aerobics workout
Alfred Hitchcooking - the act of stabbing the frozen peas to get them to cook faster
ambidextrose - able to put sugar in coffee with both hands
amoebit - an amoeba/rabbit cross able to multiply and divide at the same time
andropause - the end of virility
anthropawmorphic - a dog with hands
an udder failure - a cow that doesn't give milk
anythingarian - a person who changes religions religiously
apauling - vitamin C deficiency
aquadextrous - [Sniglet] possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with one's toes
aqualibrium - the point at which the stream of drinking water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from: (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye
audioptics - the act of turning down the car stereo while looking for an address in an unknown neighborhood
baggravation - a feeling of annoyance and anger one endures at the airport when his bags have not arrived at the baggage carousel but everyone else's bags have
bananosecond - time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement
banectomy - [Sniglets] the removal of bruises on a banana
baroclinic - where one takes a broken barometer
bathquake - [Sniglet] the violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water faucet is turned on to a certain point
baudy house - a bordello with a modem
bawlroom - a hospital nursery
BBS trek - the text generation
Beelzebug - Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out
bizoo - [Sniglet] one of the millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball
blithwapping - [Sniglet] using anything but a hammer to pound a nail into the wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
Borg Cable Co. - the subscriber's wishes are irrelevant
Borg cola - the choice of the next generation
Borg trivial pursuit - assimilating irrelevant information
Borg TV - only has one channel; anything else is irrelevant
Bozone - the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
bris and tell - a detailed description given by parents of their child's circumcision, generally spoken quite loud in front of the grown child and those people he would least like to hear the story
bromo-sexual - an individual who finds sex nauseating
Bruise Lee - an inept martial-arts student
bullemia - ability to tell endless tall tales
burbulation - [Sniglet] the obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on
bureaucat - kitty who sleeps on your undies
burgacide - when a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals
burglesque - a poorly planned break-in; see Watergate
bustard - very rude metro bus driver
buzzacks - people in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected
cabinicreep - When closing one kitchen cabinet causes another to open
carperpetuation - [Sniglet] the act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance
cashtration - the act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period
caterpallor the color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating
Catifornia - the sunshine state for cats
catolick - a religiously clean kitty
chairity - donating your La-Z-Boy
Chequeuary - the thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
chicloexdus - the route taken by a gumball to avoid capture
chirpes - a canarial disease, no tweetment
choconiverous - biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first…

(this goes on and on, see Sniglets and similar phenomena)

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Oh, sweetie, that was good! thanks!

Blessed Be!

Claudia

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Haha those as always are funny Nicole where'd you find them?
Peace Naomi

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Glad you enjoyed them Naomi and Claudia. It's amazing what you can google! :)

Love,

Nicole

Re: Humour - Itching

Re: Humour - Itching

…hahahahaha….how true !!!…everyone  would have experienced it at

some point in their life…thanks for bringing the much needed

laughter …..

hugs ,

-jagadish

Re: Humour - Itching

That's a great one Eli! LOL!

Love you,

Nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Yep I agree too. And how’s everyone doing since I’ve been gone?

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

I'm content, Naomi, enjoying a holiday weekend (Canadian Thanksgiving). And you?

Love,

Nicole

Re: Humour - You know you'r grown up when ...

Re: Humour - You know you'r grown up when ...

priceless! :)

Hugs,

Nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

The Laws of Laws

Murphy’s Laws of Technology

1. You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
2. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
3. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
4. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
5. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.
6. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he’ll have to touch to be sure.
7. All great discoveries are made by mistake.
8. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
9. All’s well that ends.
10. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
11. The first myth of management is that it exists.
12. A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
13. New systems generate new problems.
14. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
15. We don’t know one millionth of one percent about anything.
16. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
17. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

The Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

The Law of Self Sacrific
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

The Law of Motivation
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Boob’s Law
You always find something in the last place you look.

Weiler’s Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Law of Volunteer Labor
People are always available for work in the past tense.

Conway’s Law
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

Iron Law of Distribution
Them that has, gets.

Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.

Law of Drunkedness
You can’t fall off the floor.

Heller’s Law
The first myth of management is that it exists.

Osborne’s Law
Variables won’t; constants aren’t.

Main’s Law
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Weinberg’s Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Immutable Laws of Project Management

LAW 1: No major project is ever completed on time, within budget, with the same staff that started it, nor does the project do what it is supposed to do. It is highly unlikely that yours will be the first.

Corollary 1: The benefits will be smaller than initially estimated, if estimates were made at all.

Corollary 2: The system finally installed will be completed late and will not do what it is supposed to do.

Corollary 3: It will cost more but will be technically successful.

LAW 2: One advantage of fuzzy project objectives is that they let you avoid embarrassment in estimating the corresponding costs.

LAW 3: The effort required to correct a project that is off course increases geometrically with time.

Corollary 1: The longer you wait the harder it gets.

Corollary 2: If you wait until the project is completed, its too late.

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

These are excellent, Andrew :)

http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/9_6.html

MURPHY'S LAWS

THE PRIME AXIOM: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that
                     can go wrong, will.

 2.  If the possibility exists of several things going wrong, the one that
      will go wrong is the one that will do the most damage.
 3.  Everything will go wrong at one time.
      3.1 That time is always when you least expect it.
 4.  If nothing can go wrong, something will.
 5.  Nothing is as easy as it looks.
 6.  Everything takes longer than you think.
 7.  Left to themselves, things always go from bad to worse.
 8.  Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
 9.  Given the most inappropriate time for something to go wrong, that's
      when it will occur.
 10.  Mother Nature is a bitch.
      10.1 The universe is not indifferent to intelligence, it is actively
            hostile to it.
 11.  If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
      something.
 12.  If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work,
      the answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
 13.  Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
      make it complex and wonderful.
 14.  If it doesn't fit, use a bigger hammer.
 15.  In an instrument or device characterized by a number of plus-or-minus
      errors, the total error will be the sum of all the errors adding in
      the same direction.
 16.  In any given calculation, the fault will never be placed if more than
      one person is involved.
      16.1 In any given discovery, the credit will never be properly placed
            if more than one person is involved.
 17.  All warranty and guarantee clauses become invalid upon payment of the
      final invoice.
 18.  Murphy's Law: "If there are two or more ways to do something, and one
      of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it."

 O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAWS
                   Murphy was an optimist.

Re: Humour - How far can you see

Re: Humour - How far can you see

Excellent Eli! :):)

Hugs,

Nicole

Re: Humour - Dilemma

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Eli and Andrew, Happy Friday to you too! :):):)

Love,

Nicole

Re: Humour - Teacher Student

TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
Little Johnny : “HIJKLMNO”!

TEACHER : What are you talking about?
Little Johnny : Yesterday you said it's H to O !

Re: Humour - Teacher Student

lol Man they're all funny!! And sorry I've been missing lately college has been keeping me crazy

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

The young student was in the middle of digging a 2 foot by 6 foot trench as his teacher watched.
“Why am I digging while you just watch?” The student asked.
“I'm not just watching, I am supervising you.” Replied the teacher.
“Oh, I understand” Exclaimed the student.
'What do you understand?” Replied the teacher.
“The meaning of a new word, the word supervisor.” said the student.
“Supervisor: I do all the work, you just watch and you get paid more than me!”

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - Why is it called "after dark"?

Re: Humour - Why is it called "after dark"?

Eli and Mr, thanks! Good to have the humour on a gloomy Monday morning,

Love,

Nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Out of the mouths of babes:

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!' 2) OPINIONS
On the first day of schoo l, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched  in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a cop?”
“Yes,” I answered and continued writing the report.
“My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?”
“Yes, that's right,” I told her.
“Well, then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me, “would you please tie my shoe?”

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
'Is that a dog you got back there? ' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.  Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole hegoooes.'
(I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an  old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.  'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

LOL Missy :):):)

((((((((Hugs)))))))

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Thanks Missy! LOL!

Love,

Nicole

Re: Humour - No strings attached

Re: Humour - No strings attached

Very cute! :)

Love

Nicole

Re: Humour - Teacher and Student

Re: Humour - Teacher and Student

Hmm, I certainly feel that way at times when at my learning centre, Eli! Thankfully I get to speak to one student at a time so can better perceive when he or she has tuned out, and can quickly stop and if necessary take another approach.

Big hugs, my dear brother,

Nicole

Re: Humour - Teacher and Student

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

How you can tell who Mom's favorite is……

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Right, no favouritism there :)

Hugs,

Nicole

Re: Humour - The Pigeon and the Statue

Re: Humour - The Pigeon and the Statue

Indeed :) thanks Eli!

Hugs,

Nicole

Re: Humour - The Pigeon and the Statue

Re: Humour - The Pigeon and the Statue

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - Meditation

A student went to his meditation teacher and said, “My meditation is horrible! I feel so distracted, or my legs ache, or I'm constantly falling asleep. It's just horrible!”

“It will pass,” the teacher said matter-of-factly.

A week later, the student came back to his teacher. “My meditation is wonderful! I feel so aware, so peaceful, so alive! It's just wonderful!”

“It will pass,” the teacher replied matter-of-factly.

Re: Humour - Meditation

Good Business Texas Style

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the
donkey died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’

Chuck said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with
that dead donkey?’

Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece
and made a profit of $898.00.’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’

Chuck now works for the government.

..Happy Trails to You.

Lipstick in School

Lipstick in School (You've got to love this principal)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was
Recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
Beginning to use lipstick and would put it on
In the bathroom. That was
Fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips
To the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the
Maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put
Them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
All the
Girls to the
Bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
Man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
Problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night
(you
Can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate
How difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
Maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
Cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on
The mirror…

There are teachers…. And then there are educators

Re: Lipstick in School

I've heard this one before. It's been popular in America since the 1980's.

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
“Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
“Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”

__________



A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
“Husband Wanted”.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
“You can have mine.”

__________
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

__________


A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

__________
A little boy asked his father,
“Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
Father replied, “I don't know son, I'm still paying.”

__________
A young son asked,
“Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad replied, “That happens in every country, son.”

_________

Then there was a woman who said,
“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.”

__________


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say – talk in your sleep.
__________


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.

__________
First guy says, “My wife's an angel!”
Second guy remarks, “You're lucky, mine's still alive.”

_________

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Andrew you are on a roll! Hmmm I sense a theme in there somewhere LOL!

Eli, that joke about meditation is wonderful. So true,

Love,

Nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

From another little boy, not so lucky:

Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: “Does anyone know what this is?”

Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

Little Johnny replied: “That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!”

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Oh, delightful! Thanks, Eli!

Much love,

Nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Funny funny funnysomething to lighten up a hard and dismal day. lol And how are you and your sister doing Nicole? And man it's been awhile since I popped up here. Those where so funny min.
      Peace Naomi

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Yes, I've missed you, Naomi, good to see you! My sister is doing much better thanks (though the underlying condition of course is unchanged), and her play “Doubt” went very well …

And myself? Still here! :) and leaving for Tokyo Saturday for a work conference…

Love,

Nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Tokyo? Sweet that sounds like fun wish I was going. And college has been keeping me so busy lately I think I finnally got used to it now though. lol I'm glad your sister is doing better I hope her condition changes for the better.
   Peace Naomi
 Glad you missed me. (((((((((((((hug!Nicole)))))))))))))))lol

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

:) Eli!

Hugs,

Nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

yep nice one Eli. lol

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Thanks, Eli, have missed these! :)

Love,

Nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

That ones hilarious Eli. It's great to see those again

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that, in Spanish,
unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

“House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.”
“Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”

So, a student asked, “What gender is 'computer'?”


Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into
two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.


Each group was asked to give four reasons for its
recommendation. The men's group decided that “computer” should
definitely be of the feminine gender (“la Computadora” ), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;


2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;


3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and


4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.



The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine
(“el computador”) , because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;


2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;


3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem; and


4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won.

Re: Humour - Yet another virus warning

       * A man called his mother in Florida , 'Mom, how
 are you?' '
       Not too good,' said the mother. 'I've
 been very weak. ' 
       The son said, 'Why are you so weak?' 
       She said, 'Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.' 
       The son said, 'That's terrible. Why
 haven't you eaten in 38 days? ' 
       The mother answered, 'Because; I didn't want
 my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.'

       * A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his
 mother he has a part in the play. 
       She asks, 'What part is it?' 
       The boy says, 'I play the part of the Jewish husband. ' 
       The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell the
 teacher you want a speaking part.'

Re: Humour - Yet another virus warning

Andrew and Eli, thanks, the humour is very very welcome!

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

.hmmessage P { margin:0px; padding:0px } body.hmmessage { font-size: 10pt; font-family:Verdana }

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Yikes, Andrew! :)

Re: Humour - True Aussie Tale (apparently)

On Thursday, 24th January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on his afternoon program on ABC radio.

In March 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.

He ignored it  and threw it away.  In April he received another bill and threw that one  away too.

The following  month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating  that they  were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return  mail.

He called them,  talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care  of it.

The following  month he decided that it was about time that he tried out  the troublesome gas  line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end  to this ridiculous predicament.

However, when  he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.

He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10  days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the  debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing cheque for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail.
The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking.

They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced  to endure during this debacle.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or Show Cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by the man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.

[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.

And all this  over $0.00.

Re: Humour - True Aussie Tale (apparently)

LOL! See snopes.com: Zero Dollars Charge

Re: Humour - True Aussie Tale (apparently)

Sorry Nicole, I overlooked the fact a Canadian was moding again.

Silly me … :-)

Re: Humour - True Aussie Tale (apparently)

Well, you know me, Andrew, - “when in doubt, snopes it out!” :)

Re: Humour - True Aberdeen Tale

Found this in the Integral Archipelago Re: Laughter & Wisdom

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

LOL, Eli, thanks!

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

 I used to be apathetic but now I just don't care!

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Very good, Mr :)

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

These are all cool. And so funny I guess I shouldn't be reading them in the library lol and great we have another person who can find funny things.
  How are you Nicole?
  Peace Naomi

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Thanks, Naomi, I am well, and you? Here's a couple more!

Re: Humour - What's this?

I know this is a bit late however…. What is it?

Re: Humour - What's this?

that's scary photoshopping, Andrew :)

Re: Humour - Holy Water

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Nice one Eli. And I'm doing ok Nicole. Getting ready to start another crazy semester. lol The jokes are nice

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Now, there's another take on ”And he shall purify”

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Thanks Nicole for the concern. I'll try i'm not succeeding that much lately though. And yeah that's a great new meaning for he will purify. lol
 (((((((NIcole)))))))))
Peace Naomi