social forces

I have not been on in a while, as I have been very busy.  But in the meantime there have been several occasions I have wanted to jump on here and have a REAL discussion about some troubling things on my mind.  I finally found a few moments, so I thought I would pick one issue and get some wonderful feedback.  I recently read the quote, “I am not what I think I am, I am not what you think I am, I am what I think you think I am.” (Robert Bierstedt).

A very troubling quote indeed!  I don’t know if you have heard of the metaphor “The Looking Glass Self” used by Charles Cooley to describe the impact that others have on us and how we feel about ourselves.  The theory addresses our contact with others, especially with ones we are impacted by often, and how their interpretation of us affects our own self image.  I know, it is easy to say “I am a strong person and very confident of who I have become”, and if you are anything like me, you can look back and see the ways that loved ones, friends, or teachers have said things to you that they shouldn’t have or damaged your self esteem and caused you to question your own beliefs.  The fact is, there are things instilled in us that are powerful, often more powerful than we realize.  Even when we are older and stronger, we still remember them. 

The thoughts that filled my mind in studying this were, “how am I affecting others around ME?”  Whether we want to believe it or not, we do have an influence on the ones in our lives.  While I know I am not the kind of person who intentionally hurts anyone, I know there are occasions where my feelings are evident.  Well, actually my feelings are usually quite obvious, I have a terrible time putting on face for anyone.  Not in a spiteful way, but I am just not a fake person.  I have a tremendous respect for life, and I take these thoughts as a challenge to ensure that I am not destroying the potential or spirit of anyone in my life.  I know that seems obvious, very few people want to hurt anyone, but there are very small things that can do a lot of damage.  If you have any stories or thoughts to share about this topic, I would enjoy reading them.  A time when someone said something to you that influenced who you are, or ways to be a positive “mirror” for others!  We can’t erase our past, but we can make a difference in someone’s future.

Re: social forces

Cindy, this is a great discussion starter, and there is certainly a lot here to address. I am very keen to hear from others, but want to make just a few opening responses.

1)  “I am not what I think I am, I am not what you think I am, I am what I think you think I am.” (Robert Bierstedt).


A very troubling quote indeed. I would have to disagree with Robert though. I don’t think I know what I am. I know I am not the above three, but what I truly am, a lifetime wouldn’t uncover it all to my mind, with all the limits of time and so on. 


2) I haven’t heard of the Looking Glass metaphor, and I’d like to hear more about that to make sure I understand it properly. I am sure we do affect each other deeply. I see it very much in my own family, ways we have been affected by each other and even the effects of previous generations. I see it in friendships, made, broken, maintained. I see it at work, as an encouraging word sincerely spoken can bring a sunburst smile to a student’s face but a careless word or gesture causes shoulders to slump. 


So, we want to be real (like you, my face tends to show my feelings easily), but at the same time we want to maintain a positive and life-giving influence. It can be a huge challenge but it is an exciting lifework.


Love,



Nicole

Re: social forces

By your answer I think you understand the Looking Glass theory quite well.  It is amazing how particular comments can affect our “mood” so quickly.  I guess maybe the key is that even if it does brighten or sour our feelings at the moment, others comments don’t define us.  And you are right, through our lifetimes we learn who we are by who we become, the decisions we make, our dreams, our values, and our inspirations.  Thanks for sharing.

Re: social forces

Although I did take one psychology course in college, I am not a psychologist and haven’t really studied it. With that in mind, here are my thoughts on the subject.
 
Regarding the first quote, “I am what I think you think I am” is probably a reference to tha fact that we see ourselves through our perception of what others will think. Despite my spiritual growth and evolution, I still find myself thinking that way once in a while. Most of the time, however I don’t care what others think.
 
Regarding the quote about the looking glass, we all affect others because for every action there is a reaction, a cause and effect consequence of every action we take. In life, it may be called justice or just deserts. spiritually it is known as the law of Karma.
 
 

Re: social forces

I feel the same way……”despite my spiritual growth and evolution, I still find myself thinking thay way once in a while”.  I also agree that over time I have learned to not care what others think.  Mostly because I have realized some people are never going to be happy, and making other people happy is not one of their interests.  I have grown tired of maintaining a sweet countenance with people who continually make sharp judgments and criticisms (just talking about close friends here because those are the ones who affect me).  I have had to learn to draw the line between “always sweet and enduring” and “I have to limit my time with you because you are hurting my spirit”.  Does that make sense?  It is just interesting to me how many times I actually spend time reflecting on what someone has said to me or made me feel.  Many times I wish I could havejust said “I don’t care!” and really meant it.
thanks for your comments

Re: social forces

Hi Cindy,

These are the sorts of decisions we have to make as our time and energies are limited. If people are always judging and criticising, it wears one down. Like you, I used to spend way too much time thinking on what people said and about how I felt about it. It has been so good to leave all that behind. I usually remember now when people say things, that it has nothing to do with me. And when I don’t, the bad feelings don’t last.

As a friend of mine says, feelings are like clouds, they come and go, regardless of our environments. There are many things that can affect the way we feel and it’s a lifelong process to learn that feelings are not really as important as they “want” us to believe.

Love,

Nicole

Re: social forces

thanks Nicole, I love that…feelings are like clouds, they come and go, regardless of our environments.  And I totally agree, that what people say really has nothing to do with me.  I have more thoughts on the influencing other people aspect, but I don’t have time now.  I will try to get back on here tomorrow.  I love this group!
have a great day,
cindy

Re: social forces

Cindy, I look forward to hearing more thoughts from you and others on this, time permitting.

I’m so glad you are enjoying the group!

Love,

Nicole

Re: social forces

Ooooh! “I am not what I think I am, I am not what you think I am, I am what I think you think I am.” (Robert Bierstedt).
I find this to be very true and I think it takes a lot of awareness for it not to be. We are pretty much taught who we are through society and what people say/do. I have read a few teachings etc. where it is said that you are not your thoughts (as I'm sure you all realise) and that you can choose your thoughts, and choose who/how you are in any moment.
I find it amusing that people “describe” themselves and most peoples descriptions are the same. I was watching a TV show one day, they have psychologists and they test the public to show examples of how people “think and react”. One of their experiements was to have one of them pose as a clairvoyant. She sat and read the back of a mirror which the people couldn't see and didn't know about, she read out a pre written description and the people were shocked “Wow, that is me! That's me all over” But all the description was was a trick, she described opposites, “You are outgoing and fun but at times you can be quiet and shy”. “You're a people person but you also love to have your alone time”. haha :D
I wake up every day to my ideas about myself, which were taught to me and then I recreate daily. And I know this to be true because if I repeat the opposite to myself, I can be that : P
I understand where you are coming from when you say even through self growth sometimes peoples comments still get to you. I am the same but manage to get over it. Unfortunetely I just had to walk away from my long term relationship because he 'put me down' and I couldn't keep trying to fight it off with my self growth practices. Sometimes in life you need to let go of those who do you no good.
All I can say is listen to your thoughts, listen to how you describe yourself and know you can choose to be how you want to be :)

Re: social forces

belinda, you're right, very clever trick indeed, a mirror in which all can see themselves.

much love!

nicole