Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
 
   ADULT:
  A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the
  middle.
 
  BEAUTY PARLOR:
  A place where women curl up and dye.
 
  CANNIBAL:
  Someone who is fed up with people.
 
     COMMITTEE:
  A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
 
   DUST:
  Mud with the juice squeezed out. 
 
  EGOTIST:
  Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 
 
  HANDKERCHIEF:
  Cold Storage. 
 
  INFLATION:
  Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 
 
  MOSQUITO:
  An insect that makes you like flies better. 
 
  RAISIN:
  Grape with a sunburn. 
 
  SECRET:
  Something you tell to one person at a time.  
 
  SKELETON:
  A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
 
  TOOTHACHE:
  The pain that drives you to extraction.  
 
  TOMORROW:
  One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.  
 
  YAWN:
  An honest opinion openly expressed. 
 
  WRINKLES:
  Something other people have, similar to my character lines

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Nicole, sweetheart, you are so funny! Thanks for posting this!

Hugs

Claudia

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Haha funny nicole and great. How are you doing?

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

thanks for asking, Naomi, it is very well with me, though I must say it has been a challenging week in some ways. and you?

love,

nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

It's been a really challenging month lol I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel now still.  And how's your sister doing?

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

it's been a tough month for many! glad you see the light at the end of the tunnel. my sister is full tilt in rehearsals for her big play. well enough to work but just temporary, underlying condition will return… she must change her life… very very hard

love,

nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Aw I'm sorry that sounds really difficult to go thru.
  Love Naomi
PS is there anymore funny things you found?  I really need to laugh today.

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

((((((((((Naomi))))))))))))

Here are some humour links for you

http://www.collegehumor.com/

http://dir.yahoo.com/Entertainment/Humor/

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?


Plato:                For the greater good.

Karl Marx:            It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli:          So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
                      as a chicken which has the daring and courage to
                      boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom
                      among them has the strength to contend with such a
                      paragon of avian virtue?  In such a manner is the
                      princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates:          Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
                      pancreas.

Jacques Derrida:      Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
                      within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and
                      each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial
                      intent can never be discerned, because structuralism
                      is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary:        Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
                      would let it take.

Douglas Adams:        Forty-two.

Nietzsche:            Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
                      gazes also across you.

Oliver North:         National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner:         Because the external influences which had pervaded its
                      sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a
                      fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while
                      believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung:            The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
                      necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at
                      this historical juncture, and therefore
                      synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre:     In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
                      the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein:  The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the
                      objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came
                      into being which caused the actualization of this
                      potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein:      Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed
                      the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle:            To actualize its potential.

Buddha:               If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-
                      nature.

Howard Cosell:        It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
                      events to grace the annals of history.  An historic,
                      unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt
                      such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to
                      homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

Salvador Dali:        The Fish.

Darwin:               It was the logical next step after coming down from
                      the trees.

Emily Dickinson:      Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus:             For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:  It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann von Goethe:    The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway:     To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg:    We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
                      was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume:           Out of custom and habit.

Jack Nicholson:      'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
                      reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic:   What road?

Ronald Reagan:        I forget.

John Sununu:          The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
                      transportation, so quite understandably the chicken
                      availed himself of the opportunity.

The Sphinx:           You tell me.

Mr. T:                If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

Henry David Thoreau:  To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
                      out of life.

Mark Twain:           The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Molly Yard:           It was a hen!

Zeno of Elea:         To prove it could never reach the other side.

Chaucer:              So priketh hem nature in hir corages.

Wordsworth:           To wander lonely as a cloud.

The Godfather:        I didn't want its mother to see it like that.

Keats:                Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.

Blake:                To see heaven in a wild fowl.

Othello:              Jealousy.

Dr Johnson:           Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have,
                      you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the
                      Need to resist such a public Display of your own 
                      lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.

Mrs Thatcher:         This chicken's not for turning.

Supreme Soviet:       There has never been a chicken in this photograph.

Oscar Wilde:          Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in
                      town ought never expose one to such barbarous
                      inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a 
                      road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the 
                      chicken in question.

Kafka:                Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade 
                      insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.

Swift:                It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome,
                      filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume
                      to question the actions of one in all respects his
                      superior.

Macbeth:              To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.

Whitehead:            Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of
                      misplaced concreteness.

Freud:                An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter)

Hamlet:               That is not the question.

Donne:                It crosseth for thee.

Pope:                 It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.

Constable:            To get a better view.

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Chicken Crossing The Road:

Mr. Prophet: Did the chicken cross the road or did the road cross the chicken?

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Edgar Allan Poe: Quoth the chicken “Nevermore”.
Col. Harlan Sanders: To be based in my 29 spices and join his relatives in a bucket.
El Pollo Loco: cause he was crazy!
President Bush: To look for weapons of mass destruction!
Ghandi: To search for everlasting inner peace.

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Why did the Chicken Cross The Road?
William Shatner: To boldly go where no chicken had gone before!
Jessica Simpson: Is that a trick Question?
Rod Serling: Because although he didn't know it, the road led to the back streets of the place we call TheTwilight Zone.
John Gray: Because chickens are from Jupiter and poop is from Uranus.
Cookie Monster: He see a cookie?
Alan Greenspan: To provide nutrients to the masses thereby fulfilling his role in a growing economy.
Joel McHale: To find her Vajayjay!
Dali Lama: To discover the joy of  his inner chickeness.
John McCain: Because his name was Joe the chicken and he didn't want the government to give away the money he was saving to buy the chicken coupe he was working in.  

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

How many ways can a chicken cross the road? :):) Thanks Mr!

Love,

Nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

A few here I haven't seen before. I kinda specialize in chicken-road jokes. Check down in my profile, and the link to my blog of all the past ones. I still have a lot up my sleeve, and I am still making some up……

Blessings, OM Bastet (cluck cluck)

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Cool, OM! Thanks for dropping by,

Love,

Nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Dear 1 Vector 3,

I hope you haven't seen mine before, I made them all up one 1/2 when I had nothing elese to do.

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Hey, Mr.,

Happy to meet another person who thinks like a chicken… er, many famous folks.

Your Shatner one I had seen before, it's a natural thought. The “did the chicken cross the road or did the road cross the chicken” one is very similar to one I have posted, think it was from Einstein, about relativity.

But you're right, the others I had not seen before, which is not surprising if you made them up, LOL !!!. Check out the ones I made up and see whether great minds are thinking alike !!!!

Blessings, OM Bastet

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Thanks Nicole the chicken was hilarious!!! lol And why do we always seem to get stuck on such unimportant nonsensical questions?  Is it hardwired into human nature?

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Maybe, Naomi! How else to explain why scholars in the middle ages apparently got all intent on figuring out how many angels could stand on the head of a pin? :) though actually, it seems like they weren't actually embroiled in this particular issue but it's more of a parody - see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_many_angels_can_stand_on_the_head_of_a_pin%3F

Hugs,

Nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Lol!! Yeah great nonsensical unimportant question. Hm I wonder if that goes for worrying to? That we get caught up in it when the things aren't really that important.
  Hugs! Peace Naomi

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Naomi, it's all a process! we all sweat the small stuff sometimes…

hugs,

nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

LOLOL! perfect pic too!

Hugs,

Nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

oooooh, Eli! :):)

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

They're both great Eli. Especially the one where woman like silent men, so true some days.lol
 Peace Naomi

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Naomiiiiiii :):)

Thank youuuuuuuu

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Hahahaha!!! great one Eli! I need to find some funny stuff. lol hugs

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

More to come soon Dear Naomi, keep looking :)

Love

Eli

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

That'd be great!! Especially tonight man hopefully I won't be as busy later on so I can look at more stuff on gaia. lol

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

comforting… not! :)

Re: Humour - Press F1 to continue

Re: Humour - Press F1 to continue

Re: Humour - Press F1 to continue

Good one, Eli! Now I have some more treasures to share with my family! We love laughing together, thanks for the material!

Hugs

Claudia

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

hahaha I agree with the Nicole that first one is so not comforting!! lol The second is hilarious thanks Eli.

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Oh well done! Great start to the day Eli!

Love to you all (Claudia - fantastic icon - where did you find it dear?)

Nicole

Re: Humour - Power of Punctuation

An English professor wrote the words :
“A woman without her man is nothing”
On the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.


All the males in the class wrote :
” A woman, without her man, is nothing”

All the females in the class wrote :
” A woman : without her, man is nothing”

Re: Humour - Go to sleep

Re: Humour - Go to sleep

Stopping by here ended up being a great way to start the day - thanks for the laugh with my coffee - best breakfast there is!

Hugs

Re: Humour - Go to sleep

lol Claudia, go to sleep :):)

Re: Humour - Go to sleep

Thanks Eli for the great jokes! You're the best!

Love,

Nicole

Re: Humour - Go to sleep

…yes Nicole …i am also voting with you !!

-jagadish

Re: Humour - Word Menu

Re: Humour - Word Menu

What great choices Eli! What version of Windows do you have? LOL!

Hugs,

Nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Yeah seriously Eli where can I find that program? lol Thanks for all the laughs.

Re: Humour - Warning : email Virus!!!

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

It appears to affect those who were born   prior to 1940.

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Who me?

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well, fooey!

6. Causes you to hit 'SEND' before you've finished. Oh no - not again!

7. Causes you to hit 'DELETE' instead of 'SEND.' and I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit 'SEND' when you should DELETE.' Oh No!


IT IS CALLED THE C-NILE VIRUS!

Re: Humour - Warning : email Virus!!!

Oh dear, that is a tough virus to counter indeed! No amount of sailing down deNile will help  :)

Love you muchly, my dear Eli!

here's another dangerous e-mail virus:

If you receive an e-mail with a subject of “Badtimes”, delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it.

This is the most dangerous Email virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.

It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty.

It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.

It will give your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Badtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boyfriend/girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card.

Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase grade-schoolers with your new snowblower.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.

It will move your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voicemail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection… Just be very careful!

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Haha that’s great Nicole!!! And hilarious Eli C-nile indeed so sad. Isn’t there one for texting that effects your phone? lol

Re: Humour - The Guru

Re: Humour - The Guru

LOL! Naomi :) and Eli, oh the good old days eh? where we used to go to the library to get info not Google it.

Love,

Nicole

Re: Humour - Marriage

Re: Humour - Marriage

Grooms!  Once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: “Yes dear.”

:) Hugs,

Nicole

Humour - How the credit crunch will affect Britain

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Hahaha!! So funny! Thanks Eli and Nicole
Peace Naomi

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

My pleasure, Naomi. I love the way you are so appreciative! Here's another one for you -

Subject: Hickphonics . . .

The Atlanta school board, learning that Oakland has started labeling black
slang as a language - "ebonics" - has decided there is a need to designate
southern slang as a geographic language.  Ergo, hickphonics,which is to be
taught in all southern schools.  A speaker  of this would be a hickophone.
Here is a sampling from the  hickphonics dictionary:


HEIDI  -   noun.  greeting.

HIRE YEW  -  complete sentence. remainder of greeting.
Usage:  "heidi.  hire yew?"

BARD  - verb.  past tense of "to borrow".
Usage:  my brother bard my pickup truck.

JAWJUH  -  noun.  a state just north of florida. capital is lanna.
Usage:  "my brother from jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER  -  noun.  state just west of jawjuh.
Usage: "a tornader went thru bammer 'n left $20 million in improvements."

MUNTS  -  noun. a calendar division.
Usage: "my brother from jawjuh bard my pickup truck and i ain't herd from
him in munts."

THANK  -  verb.  ability to cognitively process.
Usage:  "ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE  -  noun.  an alcoholic beverage.
Usage: "ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT  -  adjective.  not smart.  see "arkansas native".
Usage:  "some of those bammer boys sure are ignert."

RANCH  -  noun.  a tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage:  "i thank i left my ranch in the back of my pickup truck that my
brother from jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL  -  noun. a petroleum-based product.
Usage:  "I sure hope my brother from jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR  -  noun. a conflagration.
Usage:  "if my brother from jawjuh don't change the all in the pickup truck
he bard, that thangs gonna catch far."

TAR  -  noun. a rubber wheel.
Usage:  "I hope my brother from jawjuh don' git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TARRED  -  adverb.  exhausted.
Usage:  "i just flew in from lanna, and boy are my arms tarred."

FARN  -  adjective.  not from here.
Usage:  "i caint unnerstand a wurd he sed...must be from some farn cuntry."

DID  -  adjective.  not alive.
Usage:  "he's did, jim bob."

EAR  -  noun. a colorless gas (except in l.a.)
Usage: "he cain't breathe...give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR  -  noun. a sharp twisted cable.
Usage: "stay away from that bob war fence, jim bob."

JEW HERE  -  noun and verb contraction.
Usage:  "jew here that my brother from jawjuh got a job with that bob war
fence company?"

HAZE  -  a contraction.
Usage:  "is bubba smart?  nah, haze ignert. he ain't thanked a minnit in
his life.."

SEED  - verb. past tense.
Usage:  "i ain't never seed new york city"

VIEW  -  contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage:  "i ain't never seed new york city...view?"

HEAVY DEW  -  phrase. request for action.
Usage:  "kin i heavy dew me a favor?  go bah me that linnerd skinnerd tape."

GUMMIT  -  noun. a bureaucratic institution.
Usage:  "them gummit boys sure are ignert."

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

HAHAHA!!Man those are extremly funny.  A little hard to read I must not be from a hick town or redneck lol

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Ahahaha!  I loved all of these!  =)  It's too late to go through all of them, but I'm sending all of them (especially the C-Nile virus!  Teehee~!) to my mother!  Woohahaha…

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Glad you enjoyed them, Shuya and Naomi! Want more then?

From

the canonical list of funny definitions - op. 44

Sniglets and similar phenomena

There are some more at A Lexicon of Neologisms. The ones there are not the same ones here; the following tend to be Rich Hall's Sniglets from the old HBO show Not Necessarily the News or just bad puns.

A.A.A.A.A. - an organization for drunks who drive
abundunce - a dumb bunny
accordionated - able to drive and refold a road map at the same time
aeroma - the odor emanating from an exercise room after an aerobics workout
Alfred Hitchcooking - the act of stabbing the frozen peas to get them to cook faster
ambidextrose - able to put sugar in coffee with both hands
amoebit - an amoeba/rabbit cross able to multiply and divide at the same time
andropause - the end of virility
anthropawmorphic - a dog with hands
an udder failure - a cow that doesn't give milk
anythingarian - a person who changes religions religiously
apauling - vitamin C deficiency
aquadextrous - [Sniglet] possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with one's toes
aqualibrium - the point at which the stream of drinking water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from: (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye
audioptics - the act of turning down the car stereo while looking for an address in an unknown neighborhood
baggravation - a feeling of annoyance and anger one endures at the airport when his bags have not arrived at the baggage carousel but everyone else's bags have
bananosecond - time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement
banectomy - [Sniglets] the removal of bruises on a banana
baroclinic - where one takes a broken barometer
bathquake - [Sniglet] the violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water faucet is turned on to a certain point
baudy house - a bordello with a modem
bawlroom - a hospital nursery
BBS trek - the text generation
Beelzebug - Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out
bizoo - [Sniglet] one of the millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball
blithwapping - [Sniglet] using anything but a hammer to pound a nail into the wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
Borg Cable Co. - the subscriber's wishes are irrelevant
Borg cola - the choice of the next generation
Borg trivial pursuit - assimilating irrelevant information
Borg TV - only has one channel; anything else is irrelevant
Bozone - the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
bris and tell - a detailed description given by parents of their child's circumcision, generally spoken quite loud in front of the grown child and those people he would least like to hear the story
bromo-sexual - an individual who finds sex nauseating
Bruise Lee - an inept martial-arts student
bullemia - ability to tell endless tall tales
burbulation - [Sniglet] the obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on
bureaucat - kitty who sleeps on your undies
burgacide - when a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals
burglesque - a poorly planned break-in; see Watergate
bustard - very rude metro bus driver
buzzacks - people in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected
cabinicreep - When closing one kitchen cabinet causes another to open
carperpetuation - [Sniglet] the act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance
cashtration - the act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period
caterpallor the color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating
Catifornia - the sunshine state for cats
catolick - a religiously clean kitty
chairity - donating your La-Z-Boy
Chequeuary - the thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
chicloexdus - the route taken by a gumball to avoid capture
chirpes - a canarial disease, no tweetment
choconiverous - biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first…

(this goes on and on, see Sniglets and similar phenomena)

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Oh, sweetie, that was good! thanks!

Blessed Be!

Claudia

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Haha those as always are funny Nicole where'd you find them?
Peace Naomi

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Glad you enjoyed them Naomi and Claudia. It's amazing what you can google! :)

Love,

Nicole

Re: Humour - Itching

Re: Humour - Itching

…hahahahaha….how true !!!…everyone  would have experienced it at

some point in their life…thanks for bringing the much needed

laughter …..

hugs ,

-jagadish

Re: Humour - Itching

That's a great one Eli! LOL!

Love you,

Nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Yep I agree too. And how’s everyone doing since I’ve been gone?

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

I'm content, Naomi, enjoying a holiday weekend (Canadian Thanksgiving). And you?

Love,

Nicole

Re: Humour - You know you'r grown up when ...

Re: Humour - You know you'r grown up when ...

priceless! :)

Hugs,

Nicole

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

The Laws of Laws

Murphy’s Laws of Technology

1. You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
2. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
3. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
4. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
5. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.
6. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he’ll have to touch to be sure.
7. All great discoveries are made by mistake.
8. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
9. All’s well that ends.
10. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
11. The first myth of management is that it exists.
12. A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
13. New systems generate new problems.
14. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
15. We don’t know one millionth of one percent about anything.
16. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
17. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

The Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

The Law of Self Sacrific
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

The Law of Motivation
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Boob’s Law
You always find something in the last place you look.

Weiler’s Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Law of Volunteer Labor
People are always available for work in the past tense.

Conway’s Law
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

Iron Law of Distribution
Them that has, gets.

Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.

Law of Drunkedness
You can’t fall off the floor.

Heller’s Law
The first myth of management is that it exists.

Osborne’s Law
Variables won’t; constants aren’t.

Main’s Law
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Weinberg’s Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Immutable Laws of Project Management

LAW 1: No major project is ever completed on time, within budget, with the same staff that started it, nor does the project do what it is supposed to do. It is highly unlikely that yours will be the first.

Corollary 1: The benefits will be smaller than initially estimated, if estimates were made at all.

Corollary 2: The system finally installed will be completed late and will not do what it is supposed to do.

Corollary 3: It will cost more but will be technically successful.

LAW 2: One advantage of fuzzy project objectives is that they let you avoid embarrassment in estimating the corresponding costs.

LAW 3: The effort required to correct a project that is off course increases geometrically with time.

Corollary 1: The longer you wait the harder it gets.

Corollary 2: If you wait until the project is completed, its too late.

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

These are excellent, Andrew :)

http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/9_6.html

MURPHY'S LAWS

THE PRIME AXIOM: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that
                     can go wrong, will.

 2.  If the possibility exists of several things going wrong, the one that
      will go wrong is the one that will do the most damage.
 3.  Everything will go wrong at one time.
      3.1 That time is always when you least expect it.
 4.  If nothing can go wrong, something will.
 5.  Nothing is as easy as it looks.
 6.  Everything takes longer than you think.
 7.  Left to themselves, things always go from bad to worse.
 8.  Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
 9.  Given the most inappropriate time for something to go wrong, that's
      when it will occur.
 10.  Mother Nature is a bitch.
      10.1 The universe is not indifferent to intelligence, it is actively
            hostile to it.
 11.  If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
      something.
 12.  If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work,
      the answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
 13.  Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
      make it complex and wonderful.
 14.  If it doesn't fit, use a bigger hammer.
 15.  In an instrument or device characterized by a number of plus-or-minus
      errors, the total error will be the sum of all the errors adding in
      the same direction.
 16.  In any given calculation, the fault will never be placed if more than
      one person is involved.
      16.1 In any given discovery, the credit will never be properly placed
            if more than one person is involved.
 17.  All warranty and guarantee clauses become invalid upon payment of the
      final invoice.
 18.  Murphy's Law: "If there are two or more ways to do something, and one
      of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it."

 O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAWS
                   Murphy was an optimist.

Re: Humour - How far can you see

Re: Humour - How far can you see

Excellent Eli! :):)

Hugs,

Nicole

Re: Humour - Dilemma

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary

Re: Humour - definitions not in the dictionary