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How funny and synchronistic…
So to make a long story short apparently someone was doing a pretty good 'research' when they posted online a very long list of funny one liners out of which I selected the list of the funnier ones below… NONE of them was attributed to Steven Wright, but NOW I know their source… :)
Enjoy his and the rest nevertheless…
Darina :)
Here I am! What are your other two wishes?
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.
When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.
I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.
Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.
There's no future in time travel.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor?
Half the people in the world are below average.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Can a blind person feel blue?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?
Why do you press harder on the buttons when the battery in the remote control is dead?
George Bush has been working hard, 24 / 7. 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.
In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren't people from Holland called “Holes?
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today.
If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
he more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Lord save me from your followers…
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