I am a closeted exhibitionist

What I mean really is that I desire to express myself through the various means of art, painting, writing, visual arts, poetry, music, etc.… and this is where I wish be be an ‘exhibitionist’ to be able to exhibit my work more freely and comfortably in a ‘normal’ sense (not in a ‘fetish sense’ as the term normally suggests).

What I mean by being ‘closeted’ is that for most of my life I have lived with secrets having had been sexually abused by my parents as well as my confusion with my gender and sexuality… and also the issues of keeping secret because of stigma the mental health issues in my family and even the mental health issues affecting me over the past few years.

When my mental health issues began to interfere with my professional life I had to leave employment and truly step back (or ‘step up’ to the new task!) and reassess the way I live my life.

I had an openly gay and flamboyant roomate at college/varsity back in the 80s who didn’t think I was ‘gay’ for whatever reason and being shy and ‘closeted’ becaues of my sexual abuse/identity issues I never really talked with him about things….noone would have known that I was a completely non-sexual person at all…

I never dated, never had any sexual encounters despite a yearning for relationships with women at the time and an attraction to men…(it never dawned on me that it was possible to have a loving relationship with a man - as a ‘couple’!). At varsity (VCU) I enrolled in a paper called “Human Sexuality” which was eye-opening to me. I remember writing a paper for an assignment that I considered myself ‘androgynous’ (after learning about it)… yet, never full expressed my real confusion or issues - I was still ‘closeted’.

I never talked about any of my issues until I finally mentioned to my younger sister about 20 years ago - one of the only people in my family and friends that I trusted enough…she was also the first person I told years after the fact that I had been sexually abused as a child.

My two older sisters know about it now, but, do not seem to understand nor comprehend the impact it has had on my life.Although for the past 10 years I’ve openly been able to talk about my being ‘gay’ (although I dislike being labelled as such)…it wasn’t until 10-13 years ago that I ever breathed a word of that outwardly…that yes, finally I accept myself as ‘gay’….it was because I had finally had a loving relationship with another person.

I never explored any type of sexual relationship until I was 33 with a woman who also defined herself as a woman attracted to women but not ‘lesbian’. While I loved the relationship with another human being - the first ever - ‘my first ‘LOVE’ ! (at 33!) … I never felt comfortable sexually…..and even now at age 46 I still don’t really feel that comfortable…unable to express easily an attraction to a man (it still brings up issues that this is an ‘abusive’ situation - even though I know intellectually that it is not).

Despite being an artist and creative person, it wasn’t until I was a patient in a public hospital where Art Therapy was used as an expressive way to help communicate feelings, etc….

I am at a crux where my desire to begin exploring the issues which I normally reserve for my personal therapy - I wish to begin to express publicly - that is where the idea again comes about wanting to be an ‘exhibitionist’. While I often have desires to paint images about the horrors, depth of sadness, etc as part of my ‘public’ art - I stop and htink, this isn’t what I want people to see - it is an instinctive ‘keep ths in the closet’ and don’t let people see this!

I am now continuing to paint and have reconnected with an art therapy group….and I eventually might begin to post some of the art therapy work here as part of my journey….I have often wanted to do an MFA in art, but, again, have felt to inhibited to express these ‘secrets’ which I know would be part of the body of work…

Perhaps through this pod, this site, and the ability to express here my thoughts publicly I will make a breakthrough…that is my hope…so that I am no longer a ‘closeted exhibitionist’ but, an ‘open - expressionist’.

In the Light~
Aroha~
Lagniappe

Re: I am a closeted exhibitionist

help…I’m at a loss today….I feel I simply want to hide in a cocoon and shrivel up and die - i have no energy to devote to creating any work which I imagine might kick me out of this despair I feel - but, perhaps I just need to ‘feel’ it - oh i don’t know anymore -

Re: I am a closeted exhibitionist

Hi I feel like I have been in your situation many times. I usually stop fighting it once I acknowledge it-if that makes any sense. That is not to say it does not scare the  hell out of me when i feel it.  I try to follow my teachers words of wisdom to treat these feelings as if they were children in need of attention. Instead of trying to reject them,find out what they need to transform,carrry them on to do that. It is hard to do all the time.

Other times i will decide that I can just feel how I feel for the day,nothing more,nothing less. I dont have to like it but there it is and the more I fight or try to ignore it it gets stronger. Some days I decide I will just be felling bad about my situations,life,losses,etc.

I dont know if any of this will help or even if I understood what you were saying. At any rate-I hope you fell better soon.

                                                                           Kathy

Re: I am a closeted exhibitionist

>Hi Lagniappe:

>I am truly sorry for what it must of been like growing up and being abused by your parents. It was not your fault, remember that.

What I mean by being ‘closeted' is that for most of my life I have lived with secrets having had been sexually abused by my parents as well as my confusion with my gender and sexuality… and also the issues of keeping secret because of stigma the mental health issues in my family and even the mental health issues affecting me over the past few years.

When my mental health issues began to interfere with my professional life I had to leave employment and truly step back (or ‘step up' to the new task!) and reassess the way I live my life.

>leaving employment because of this must of been unbelievable and incredibly torment.

I had an openly gay and flamboyant roommate at college/varsity back in the 80s who didn't think I was ‘gay' for whatever reason and being shy and ‘closeted' because of my sexual abuse/identity issues I never really talked with him about things….none would have known that I was a completely non-sexual person at all…

>you never had any sex with anyone, male or female and associate yourself with men because of the abuse from your father?

I never dated, never had any sexual encounters despite a yearning for relationships with women at the time and an attraction to men…(it never dawned on me that it was possible to have a loving relationship with a man - as a ‘couple'!). At varsity (VCU) I enrolled in a paper called “Human Sexuality” which was eye-opening to me. I remember writing a paper for an assignment that I considered myself ‘androgynous' (after learning about it)… yet, never full expressed my real confusion or issues - I was still ‘closeted'.

>You still felt attraction to men and women, did you consider yourself Bi-sexual or gay?

I never talked about any of my issues until I finally mentioned to my younger sister about 20 years ago - one of the only people in my family and friends that I trusted enough…she was also the first person I told years after the fact that I had been sexually abused as a child.

My two older sisters know about it now, but, do not seem to understand nor comprehend the impact it has had on my life.Although for the past 10 years I've openly been able to talk about my being ‘gay' (although I dislike being labeled as such)…it wasn't until 10-13 years ago that I ever breathed a word of that outwardly…that yes, finally I accept myself as ‘gay'….it was because I had finally had a loving relationship with another person.

>okay, good for you to finally find someone who you could have a relationship with, Kudos.

I never explored any type of sexual relationship until I was 33 with a woman who also defined herself as a woman attracted to women but not ‘lesbian'. While I loved the relationship with another human being - the first ever - ‘my first ‘LOVE' ! (at 33!) … I never felt comfortable sexually…..and even now at age 46 I still don't really feel that comfortable…unable to express easily an attraction to a man (it still brings up issues that this is an ‘abusive' situation - even though I know intellectually that it is not).

>I understand what your trying to say even though I have no real experience in this, have you sort out professional therapy for your thoughts?

Despite being an artist and creative person, it wasn't until I was a patient in a public hospital where Art Therapy was used as an expressive way to help communicate feelings, etc….

I am at a crux where my desire to begin exploring the issues which I normally reserve for my personal therapy - I wish to begin to express publicly - that is where the idea again comes about wanting to be an ‘exhibitionist'. While I often have desires to paint images about the horrors, depth of sadness, etc as part of my ‘public' art - I stop and think, this isn't what I want people to see - it is an instinctive ‘keep ths in the closet' and don't let people see this!

I am now continuing to paint and have reconnected with an art therapy group….and I eventually might begin to post some of the art therapy work here as part of my journey….I have often wanted to do an MFA in art, but, again, have felt to inhibited to express these ‘secrets' which I know would be part of the body of work…

Perhaps through this pod, this site, and the ability to express here my thoughts publicly I will make a breakthrough…that is my hope…so that I am no longer a ‘closeted exhibitionist' but, an ‘open - expressionist'.

>when you say closeted exhibitionist you mean the artwork you wish to unvail. When I think of exhibitionist, I think of a person who exposes him/herself fully nude. This is not what you imply.

>It appears you need to deal with the abuse issues and talking with a professional therappist that you trust, journalize your experiences and maybe even sharing these with your therapist might help you. Are you taking any medication to help you deal with your emotional pain and suffering?  Take care and would love to hear more from your trauma.

(((((((((((((huggs))))))))))))

Love,

George :)

Re: I am a closeted exhibitionist

>I am truly sorry for what it must of been like growing up and being abused by your parents. It was not your fault, remember that.

—-that is the main part of what I’ve finally learned through all the therapy

>leaving employment because of this must of been unbelievable and incredibly torment.
—-yes, it was a very difficult decision to leave work full-time which was great - but, I was feeling so suicidal I had no choice - now three years later - I’m still ‘unwell’ althought the major suicidal thoughts do not hit as bad - when they sneak in I have the tools to overcome them - however, even volunteer work triggers post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms - so it’s very frustration to say the leas

>you never had any sex with anyone, male or female and associate yourself with men because of the abuse from your father?
—————-I often wondered if my attraction to men was because of the abuse from my father - but, I have some ‘inner knowing’ that I was simply always attracted to boys more than girls - and tended to play with girls equally and easily as with boys…..but, in answer to your first question - no I had no sexual contact with ANYONE until age 33. (except a childlike kiss on the cheek when I was five with a ‘girlfriend’ hehee)

>You still felt attraction to men and women, did you consider yourself Bi-sexual or gay?
——————–It’s probably easiest to say I’m gay - now that I’ve explored both worlds….I’ve had ‘long-term’ relationships now (although not that long 6-12 months) with women…and a few very short term with men. I know deep down I’d rather have a 24/7 relationship, sexually, living-wise with a romantic male partner.

I never explored any type of sexual relationship until I was 33 with a woman who also defined herself as a woman attracted to women but not ‘lesbian’. While I loved the relationship with another human being - the first ever - ‘my first ‘LOVE’ ! (at 33!) … I never felt comfortable sexually…..and even now at age 46 I still don’t really feel that comfortable…unable to express easily an attraction to a man (it still brings up issues that this is an ‘abusive’ situation - even though I know intellectually that it is not).

>I understand what your trying to say even though I have no real experience in this, have you sort out professional therapy for your thoughts?

—————–still working on that one —-it is very difficult for me to ‘flirt’ with anyone that I feel attracted to - because I still find any ‘sexual’ type of activity potentially ‘abuse’ so I find it hard at times to express my true romantic nature….in saying that I had a male (not gay) flatmate a few years ago - I was not sexually attracted to him - but, felt a love - romantic love for him - I was able to tell him that and it was fine - it didn’t go anywhere however, but, at least I was able to voice my feelings of him without the ‘abuse’ stuff…and yes, still getting counselling - but, I think a lot of such ‘work’ now needs to be explored in an actual relationship - I think the work I’ve done in counselling has helped as much as pssible - to some degree…

>when you say closeted exhibitionist you mean the artwork you wish to unvail. When I think of exhibitionist, I think of a person who exposes him/herself fully nude. This is not what you imply.
————–oh gosh no - I don’t want to be en exhibitionist in showing myself nude! that would be traumatic- and much like the abuse in early years - it’s a metaphor - for wanting to be able to openly EXHIBIT my feelings for someone and show them I am attracted, flirt, talk, cuddle, etc which seems ‘should be’ normal for most people….and not easy for me…..

>It appears you need to deal with the abuse issues and talking with a professional therappist that you trust, journalize your experiences and maybe even sharing these with your therapist might help you. Are you taking any medication to help you deal with your emotional pain and suffering? Take care and would love to hear more from your trauma.

——————-well, I am still working hard through counselling and am on medication for the depression……