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Gilly,
I am always so happy, when someone brings us back to an earlier thread, as you have done here. It took me a few days to get through this; and truly, sometimes the pace of life means that posts in this group go right past me (though I am usually at least “aware”).
So, it is with me as with you, timing is everything. This article fits in so perfectly with the issues that I am working my way through this very moment.
I have been married now for over 20 years to a very decent and often “fun to be with” man. I believe that he chose before birth, not to be involved with religion in this lifetime (and he lacks the capacity to disassociate that from spirituality). Yet, as he is a morally ethical person, we have easily co-existed with one another.
My life was not going all that comfortably - as regards financial balance - when I met this man. I was however an independent woman, living alone and buying my own home. I was the master and sole determinant of my life and my decisions and what I might or might not do next. I did enjoy that freedom but not the aloneness that means, at times.
There are always trade-offs. No one there when I was ill to care about that, for example. There are many other similar examples I could give, that anyone living alone would easily understand.
Equally, anyone who has ever lived in a relationship would understand that one must make some compromises, especially those that are not of great importance to one self, in order to coexist consensually. So, it was that for many years, I was simply happy to be doing, whatever it was that my husband wanted to do. He has never had a problem with following his heart. Hurricane hits Honduras. He had been there for a scuba-diving week in the past and so his heart strings are tugged and he embarks on a one-man relief effort and gets many others to join in. There are of course many such examples I could give.
I suppose, though I always did maintain a private space in my life for my spirituality. I coasted for quite a few years and was almost inactive but not entirely. Still, it did not take up much space or time and was not intrusive on my marriage. Enter the internet age into our marriage mix. First, it was a small group of women, all older than the norm, having babies with the aid of medical science. I am still in touch with that very private circle of women and children. That could be accepted by my husband (though he did not like the amount of time it took up, it was helpful more than once) and I was even able to obtain my husband's agreement to attend our first get together in the Philadelphia area when the babies turned 2. I have never regretted pushing for and going to that. It was not his choice, and as is the case with anything is not his own idea, there was a bit of sullen-ness and standoffishness but it could easily enough be interpreted as socially acceptable shyness and hermit-like isolation.
Almost 3 years ago now, I joined Zaadz and my on-line time did begin to pick up a bit. My husband is not at all into social networking and so, it would not be easy to explain an interest or enjoyment in such to him. He considers such worlds to be far from reality and to waste much time. Much in the sense of one so inclined living in a “fantasy” world. Of course, we all know it is much more than that.
The added factor for us is that we have had a bit of a “don't ask / don't tell” agreement regarding my spirituality. I simply knew from the one attempt I had made (earlier in our marriage) to discuss death and the “life after” with him, that we are not in the same alignment on such issues. So, it was not a formal agreement but more like an understanding, that he could care less, believed not and was not able to entertain such discussions, even theoretically. His mind functions in a very solid, concrete manner; so that I can not even attempt to “talk subtly above” my children's intellect because my husband simply won't “get it”. He can not make such subtle leaps in understanding.
Along came Celebrate Your Life and I deeply wanted to go. I had to do a very delicate dance to make that so (which has been documented in the Beckwith threads here). Though it was his decision to “allow” me to have that experience, he was quite obvious and sullen about going. Still, we went and I am grateful for that. We lived as totally unrelated, separate entities, while inhabiting the same motel room, during my 3 days at the conference. I really did not care that he and I did not speak. A clear indication that we were not in the same world while there. I was blissfully happy and emerged with a definite new clarity about myself from being immersed in that energy.
Going to the conference did change my trajectory. I got a personal life coach and decided to write a book (an excerpt of that in the Cloudy with a Chance of Thunderstorms thread). I now had a direction I wanted my personal life to go in and I knew that it was not going to be a direction that my husband could accept easily as it is entirely about me and not family, politics or business (his only interests).
I felt a high degree of conflict within myself regarding this. I love where I live, I remain physically attracted to my husband, I value his friendship in my life and I am proud of what we do as a business but I am burned out regarding many aspects of our business, not the least of which includes a certain brutality and competitive nature to being “in business”. I would be happy to continue to provide my intuitive insights for sticky situations, I can buck up and face the less than pleasant customer relations tasks and I understand the accounting but don't really like spending my days drudging through it. These are all reasons that I do have a personal life coach and that is definitely something that could be threatening to my husband; and so, it remains my private, personal business and I do feel some “guilt” about it, while realizing that I would never get agreement regarding it and feeling strongly that I do “need” that support for my own dreams, at this time.
Therefore, I chose a passive, non-confrontational approach to that desire to have a coach, as I do with other issues in my personal life that are not smooth. Perhaps, it is a weakness or fault in me and perhaps that is what is necessary for harmony and getting along. I continue to contemplate its various impacts on my life.
It is a choice but it does put a bit of a “negative” vibration into my life and that troubles me. I do not feel that I can be accepted as who and how I am. It is a bit as though my love life and marriage are based on illusion. A bit like I can not be loved as who I am, my true self. So, my coach works with me on that. My new mantra has been “I express myself authentically and confidently - always and with everyone !” and I have been feeling the effect of this, not only in my personal life but in my interactions at Gaia, as well.
From that mantra came some nice auxiliary affirmations -
[1] True friendship with my husband and acceptance of my authentic self.
The “true friendship” focus, coming back to that repeatedly when I am uncomfortable, does seem to break through some previous barriers in my own perceptions, as my life visioning has said to me before “your husband and children are not an obstacle”. By inference, it must be my belief that is the obstacle.
[2] Love and respect in my relationship with my children.
Well, the love part has never been in question but the “respect” part often seems to be deliberately violated. ;-p sigh I am sure many parents share in that feeling at some time or another, not that it is good or desirable but common.
So, into this mix comes an offer by one of our moderators, Denise / flowerchild, the one who started this thread and who I met in person while in Chicago, to do an Akashic reading for me. Actually, she offered to do it about 2 months ago but we only managed to finally do this on Sun, Nov 15th. An interesting factor was that I decided “heck, it isn't a business day and he knows I met Denise and she has not intruded in our life - heck, it's been 4 mos since the trip to Chicago, I will just go for it” and so, we set a time. And would you know ?, my husband and boys blew out of the house, not long before she was to call; and so, we had a very private conversation.
I discovered that I have come into this life with a plate full of “goals” or “lessons”. As I suspected, my husband and I have had at least 3 relationships that Denise could see (I was surprised at how easily it was to converse with the Masters through Denise, and forget all about the more personal Denise that I know, I felt totally free to talk to them without restraint). My husband and I have been brother and sister with rivalry, something I had suspected.
I also suspected because of our behavior towards one another that he had been my parent and I his child but I was surprised to discover he had been my Mom and I a rebellious son. That explains a lot about the more entrenched behaviors that we do not rise above easily.
We have also been in war together, as the same gender, I suspect both males (and it is funny that I have always been a bit of a tom-boy but have trouble thinking of myself as a male, I suppose I do prefer the female expression ;-} ). I suspect (but did not confirm) it was American Revolutionary War because we did both have a great love of studying that history upon our marriage to one another and have a marvelous series of historical fiction by Allan W Eckert (the first being a wedding gift to us). The expression was that “we had each other's backs” and that is certainly being re-reflected in the circumstances that we find ourselves in now, with that little war in our valley.
My husband's purpose in this life is to explore and learn about unconditional love. He certainly receives that from me but it was sad for me to realize, while reading don Miguel Ruiz's “The Mastery of Love” that it is not returned to me as such. Of course, unconditional means without condition, and the Masters were quick to point out, what I already knew - that I am okay with and accept that. I entered this relationship - my 3rd marriage-like relationship in this lifetime (one never having been “official” but long-term), with the intention of never leaving it - as I have always left my relationships, at some point. I told my husband as much, that I would not leave but that he might put me out, on our way home from Chicago, when he wanted me to give up spirituality and I refused.
What was a bit shocking, were several concepts that emerged from Denise's reading - [a] that I was a “different” person, when I said I would not leave this relationship, [b] that our having children was a “surprise” twist (I believe that is the reality of free will, we come with a particular trajectory - our destiny - but we are always free to say “yes” or “no”. The Divine loves it when we say “yes” and the Divine or All-That-Is loves the surprises that human's unfolding and expanding provide - yes, we are each a bit of the Divine in expression as humans - free will means that there is always the possibility that we will change our trajectory and EVERYTHING about life then changes to align with that, when it happens). Our having children though does fulfill for my husband, his intention to thoroughly explore unconditional love. The children make possible ways that nothing else ever could and that is a beautiful gift, I have willingly and intentionally given with my very life.
I have been distressed, when in my Life Visioning, I thought I was being asked to give up my life here on our farm in Missouri. I love the forest especially. I love my children as bits of myself and I love my husband. I have discovered that we can always negotiate with the Divine, those aspects of our “visions” that we are not comfortable with. There is always plenty of time to accomplish what you come to Earth to do, even if you have to wait for another lifetime. Hurry is the work of the dark forces, of evil, and causes so much mischief in the world. Not having patience, not letting things unfold naturally, etc gets us into more trouble than we need to experience. But it is always a choice, we have the ability to make.
I was helped greatly, when it came to me recently in Life Visioning, that I have 5 to 15 years in which to complete my current “new” path. What surprised me in the Akashic reading was the indication by the Masters that my family and I may travel separate paths, while I pursue my heart-felt desires of self-expression. This does not necessarily mean I will leave my husband or family but the currents were unsettling, that this is not an aspect of my life that is certain at all, in this moment. So much depends on what unfolds from here.
It came out over and over again, that I need to choose between “my marriage” and “my self-expression”. I resist that. I said as much “I believe that a gentle shift is possible, that will smooth the way”. That is a sobering thought and not one that I am jumping into. I have time. I want my children to have as much of me as possible in their childhoods. At one time (before children), my husband told me that he would want to die, if I died. That was a horrible burden, for I could not return the favor, of that kind of obsessive love. Now, with children, I know he will never be alone and his own thinking in that regard has altered permanently.
I was a bit taken aback when my 5 yr old announced to a childhood friend on the phone yesterday that I was going to die soon, maybe in 2 months. Yikes. I'm not ready ! ! ! But it is good to take “death as an advisor” as I believe don Miguel Ruiz (or was it don Juan of Casteneda fame?) recommends as well.
When I spoke to the Masters of my desire to teach and speak to others, while they were indicating that I have much knowledge, much to say and share; the Masters seemed perplexed. “I already do that.” Yes, I suppose they mean in this virtual reality computer world way and truly, it does satisfy and fulfill me a lot. I think I want to be physically present with others of like energy (as I was in Chicago) and doing conferences would give me that but I don't have a burning need to pay to go to them regularly. I would think getting paid to speak at 2-4 per year would be adequate to expand my sense of fulfillment.
So, here comes yet another interesting development, that came after reading the Osho article here, recently through a prod from my coach regarding the Spiritual Cinema Circles, I reached out to an elderly woman in the closest town, who I considered “open-minded” for our area, regarding such. She dismissed any interest in such for her self but recommended I connect with a woman who came with her, to help us with that Honduran relief effort, I mentioned earlier. She gave me the woman's email address but I did not follow up.
Then, I did a “meet and greet” at Whole Foods Market one Saturday in St Louis to kick off our wine cork recycling collection program there and a young woman who worked there, introduced herself to me as this very woman's daughter. I still did not make that email contact. Then, on a subsequent, totally unannounced visit, to shop at Whole Foods, this young woman told me that just the night before she had dreamed that her mother and I were making a tapestry rug together. I told the young woman about the Gaia Minute practice, got her email address, invited her to join Gaia and sent her information about the Gaia Minute. But still, I did not contact her mom, though it was becoming evident that the universe was insisting that we get in contact, and was not going to stop, until I did it.
So, the woman called me to invite me to a “Bring a Friend” service at the Unity church she attends, in a town about 40 miles north of me. I had given up traveling to Sunday services at the Religious Science church in St Louis, when I came to live with my husband and, even though this would be closer, I am attached to my Sunday Life Visioning effort with Beckwith's cd and so, I declined.
Then, this woman brought up a Yoga class in the same town 40 miles away. Well, it worked out to be convenient to go on Monday evening and I loved the atmosphere (lowered lighting, eastern music, chimes to signal the beginning and ending, attention to the breath, in the NOW focus and the beautiful soul - not surprisingly originally from Long Beach California - who is the instructor) and her flexible schedule means that I could drop in any time, when it “fits” with my erratic life. That is critical to my being able to do Yoga regularly at all.
So, yesterday, only 2 days after my first class, I felt compelled to return to that Yoga class. I simply told my husband I was going. I did not ask permission. As this article indicates -
“It may create few troubles in the beginning, but only in the beginning. SOON PEOPLE START UNDERSTANDING – they can see your truth… And if you respect yourself, others start respecting you and start respecting the space in which you are.”
Well, there certainly was that sullen response, and it was not gone, when I returned. I did not let that get me down - too much. I simply kept focusing on how marvelous my body and soul felt because I had gone. The woman turns out to be in marital circumstances slightly the same as my own - her husband is not spiritual and she clearly IS. She also told me, she watches spiritual dvds alone, when she has the opportunity (when her family is not around). She said something about The Matrix and from my expression, perhaps she realized that I was thinking of the more “popular” version and she said “not that one, the interrelated web that” … and as she searched her memory for the name, I said “Gregg Braden ?” and she said “Yes !”.
I don't know entirely what was going on in my husband's mind last night. Certainly, I feel at times as though our marriage mirrors the Kate Holmes / Tom Cruise suffocation effect, one reads in the tabloid headlines. There is a control issue that I am bucking now. I don't know, maybe he had too much wine before I got home (though he is not the kind to over drink, there is that in his family, his mom a bit but not out of control too often, his brother an alcoholic and a maternal uncle who has struggled with such). I found out this morning that the wife of the pioneer descendant, at the heart of our little war, stopped at our home, while I was away de-stressing at Yoga yesterday. She came to get copies of my husband's statements (to the sheriff and the postal authorities) and he got a little more insight into the “problems” and the feelings these are generating within this woman and their family.
My husband seemed more at ease today. I am certain, at a conscious level, he knows I have the right to live my life as I choose, and that he has only a little problem with my individual desires, though I believe he definitely is not comfortable with and does not like me doing “my own thing”. I believe at a deeper subconscious level, it may even be a bit more intense and simmering.
This article did get through to me strongly -
“If I am not for me, then who is going to be for me? Then nobody is for you and you are left in a kind of limbo. BE FOR YOURSELF, AND ONLY OUT OF THAT YOU CAN BE FOR OTHERS TOO. Because then you will have something to share, to give. The energy is perfectly good. There is nothing wrong in the energy – just your mind goes on interfering with it. Stop interfering!”
I keep coming back to the fact that our obligation in living is that we each need to come from our own center, our own authenticity, that to do less is to not honor the purpose for us being alive and here in the first place -
“TO SHOW DISRESPECT TO ONE'S SELF IS TO SHOW DISRESPECT TO GOD. And the punishment is misery.”
I did not know I was “miserable”, until a few months ago, when my older son cameoed me in a video he was making. I was startled to see the “living dead” zombie sitting there in my body. In the flatness of my voice and expression was the misery evident in a shocking way to me. What had happened to me? Where had the aliveness gone? I wasn't aware that it was missing.
I think I buried my light long ago, and with the help of the Gaia community, my authentic and genuine self shines more brightly again. Now, to figure out how to gently make that “the truth” of my physical life as well … stay tuned. There are bound to be further developments.
Peace & Blessings -
Deb
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