Gaia: Living Metaphysics - Members Support

Re: Mistrust - This Season's Virus

http://joy-within.gaia.com — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 21:06:41 GMT

Nichole, thank you for the insight and for sharing your personal story. Our relationship with Janell is unusual because she and Terri lived with us for over a year and helped take care of Paul's dad who had Alzheimers. We became very close because Janell's parents hadn't been available to her much when she was growing up and she'd never lived with "normal" parents.

Eight years ago, when they moved to the Keys, they split up immediately and Janell had nowhere to go except to move back in with us for eight months. The arrangement was fine with Terri and it's just been in the last two years that Terri has had a problem with our on-going relationship with Janell. Terri's problem first started when Janell stopped emailing her, and Terri says she feels excluded. I understand Terri's problem with Janell over that, but I don't see how we can resolve it...or why we're suddenly in the middle of a relationship that's been over for eight years.

I know that I'm probably blind to some of the dynamics, so I've been trying to stay open to "her side." I've been looking at the situation as a gift as much as I possibly can...knowing that it is there even if it's covered in crap.

It's showing up in my body as a sharp pain in my left shoulder blade and I've been using a heating pad for the last two days. Ironically, one of my sisters has been going through the "separation dance" with her adult daughter and I could clearly see that it was a necessary thing for the two of them since they hadn't done it during the daughter's teenage years.

Sitting with what is and allowing rather than resisting is MUCH harder than I realized. I keep wanting to go back into the self justifying talk that makes me a blameless victim and makes my daughter a selfish bitch.

Gaia has been a wonderful balm to me with so much wisdom and truth...and keeps reminding me to look beyond the easy answers. Those lovely souls here who are contributing to Gaia keep reminding me to look within and realize that I already know the answer...I'm not a blameless victim...she's not a selfish bitch...the answers will come if I can stay open.

Re: Mistrust - This Season's Virus

http://singerseeker.gaia.com — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 19:17:58 GMT

Dear Siona, that would be so sad were it true.

Thanks for this sharing, I will think on it,

Hugs,

Nicole

Re: Mistrust - This Season's Virus

http://yhd52754.gaia.com — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 17:44:41 GMT

Siona,

Please, always feel free to come into this group with your gentle insights and respectful sharings.

It is a joy to see you here, however often.

Deb

Re: Mistrust - This Season's Virus

http://siona.gaia.com — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 16:38:32 GMT

Deb and Helen: This was so beautiful to read. Thank you both, and Helen, I'm continuing to send plenty of support and "letting-go" love.

Re: Mistrust - This Season's Virus

http://siona.gaia.com — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 16:36:37 GMT

Nicole: Please forgive me if I'm stepping over any boundaries, or if you'd rather me not write (or even muse) about this. I just wanted to share something.

What I find so dear (or I could use another word here--touching? heartbreaking? painful?) about your story above is how in some odd way it makes sense. Your mother is someone who was once tremendously close to you, and though she still (I imagine) must feels a powerful attachment, is now distant. Your exes are people who share that experience or that sort of relationship--people who were once so close to you, and who now only watch or know you from afar.

I'm not sure what would be driving this, but perhaps your mother finds some solace in being with others who, like her, were once very close to you. It's far beyond my ken why she might find it difficult to create those relationships or connections with them while they're close to you, but nonetheless, a certain little piece of me can understand the at least one aspect of that strange logic of the heart.

Re: Mistrust - This Season's Virus

http://singerseeker.gaia.com — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 16:20:42 GMT

Helen, I hear what you are saying. May I share something personal in the hopes that it will help? I understand that it is probably not at all like your situation, so feel free to ignore me.

My mother and I used to be very close all through my growing up. I am the baby of the family and listened to her and supported her until I was in my thirties.

One aspect of her behaviour has baffled me though. When I broke up with my first boyfriend at 20 after two years, she went from being very condescending and disdainful of him to behaving like he was a close friend.

It didn't bother me that much at the time or since, but I wondered over the years why she was so friendly toward him and of course very cool toward my husband, with whom I became engaged shortly after leaving my boyfriend.

Since I left my husband in 1998, my mother has become very close friends with him - and was distant and cool with my partner over the nearly 8 years I was with him from 2001.

Now she is distant and cool with my current beloved, and a couple of weeks ago was complicit with my ex-husband to the point of trailing him behind her into my house without either of them having told me he was coming. This happened in the middle of an exceptionally stressful conflict with my ex-husband about some legal matters.

I feel that this pattern of my mother's in getting close to my exes but being cool toward them when they are with me is a fundamental disloyalty and even betrayal of her relationship with me, and still don't understand why she does it.

So, obviously your situation is very different in that you were probably always very warm toward Jannell, but I wonder if your daughter might have misconstrued your caring behaviour after the breakup toward Jannell as choosing her over your daughter.

Love,

Nicole

Re: Mistrust - This Season's Virus

http://joy-within.gaia.com — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 16:07:03 GMT

Deb, sharing your happiness and relief with the news about your sister.
I'm finding it difficult this morning to let go of my end of the stick...feeling "wronged" is addictive it seems. But when I become still, I get a glimpse of the gift in all of this. I think it has something to do with letting go of old roles and stepping into my authentic self fully...truly a precious gift if I allow it.

Re: Mistrust - This Season's Virus

http://singerseeker.gaia.com — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 15:29:19 GMT

oh ((((Deb))))! Wonderful news,

Sharing your joy in love,

Nicole

Endings open the way to new beginnings

http://niecy.gaia.com — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 15:17:55 GMT

Preparing to shed 2009 and welcome 2010: 'Floating on a stream of unconditional thankfulness, I shed that which has served its purpose. I know something greater, happier, and healthier automatically replaces whatever is gone. Spirit provides.'
Let go of the old and release attachments. This way we free up energy to allow in the new!

Re: Mistrust - This Season's Virus

http://yhd52754.gaia.com — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 04:28:49 GMT

Now good flowing back to me -

my youngest sister who has been homeless in Santa Fe NM since last spring and I have not heard from since before Thanksgiving, showed up at the house of some people my parents know from their church. She is alive and that was the best news yet I had gotten all day.

What a relief . . .

Deb

Re: Mistrust - This Season's Virus

http://yhd52754.gaia.com — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 03:47:54 GMT

Helen,

This is the sweetest news I could have received tonight.

When you hug her, give her one for me. When she hugs you, realize I have just hugged you.

You deserve a few really good days . . .

Deb

Re: Mistrust - This Season's Virus

http://joy-within.gaia.com — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 01:31:41 GMT

And especially, thank you Deb for the reminder that the decision to trust again is the antidote to misunderstanding, guessing motives and all forms of mistrust.

Re: Mistrust - This Season's Virus

http://joy-within.gaia.com — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 01:28:14 GMT

Wow, that was fast! I just got an email from our daughter at Disney World. She said she was looking forward to spending Thurs and Fri with us!!! She also said she talked to several trusted friends and she realized that it was too painful for her to hear about Janell from us, so could we please just not mention anything about Janell to her.

She ended by saying “Love you both. I'm sorry this visit has been difficult. I'm looking forward to some good times together the rest of this week.”

Now, all I need to do is let go of my end of the stick. Thank you so much for your loving energy.

Re: Mistrust - This Season's Virus

http://joy-within.gaia.com — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 01:11:49 GMT

Thank you Deb. I think the light is beginning to dawn.

Re: Mistrust - This Season's Virus

http://yhd52754.gaia.com — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 23:26:19 GMT

Helen,

You are doing an amazing job. It is hard to cure a situation entirely, until you really understand it. You will have to be a bit of an intuitive detective.

Perhaps, she is uncertain as to whether you are fully accepting her new wife? I can't say really. You are such a gentle person.

You are feeling some energy. Try contemplating that, meditating on it. I also highly recommend Colin Tipping's Radical Forgiveness, when you just can't tell what the problem is.

I will keep you, your husband, your daughter and her new wife in my heart space, as I hike this day.

Wishing you a healing breakthrough before they leave . . . to start the New Year out just peachy or is it orangey?

Love you dearly, my long-time friend -
Deb

Re: Mistrust - This Season's Virus

http://joy-within.gaia.com — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 22:28:35 GMT

I've been reading and following the recent disharmony on Gaia at the same time as I've been experiencing it here with our daughter and her new wife, Terri and Karen. Our daughter has been very upset with us because of our ongoing and close relationship with her former partner, Janell, who we consider to be our "other daughter." They split up 8 years ago and kept us completely out of it, even though Janell continued to live with us for another 8 months. They remained cordial for several years after their split until the last year or two.

My husband and I are baffled by the new situation. I've felt pushed by my daughter to choose between them and although she hasn't used those words, that is what her energy feels like. We are at an impasse...and in the meantime, she is choosing to spend her time away from us while she's visiting us from California.

I can't believe that this is happening for any reason other than to heal something within me that needs to be brought out in the open and healed. I just don't have a clue what it is. In the meantime, I feel awful, but not awful enough to be pressured into altering our loving relationship with Janell.

I'm trying hard not to judge my daughter as selfish and a bully...how am I doing so far??

Re: Mistrust - This Season's Virus

http://singerseeker.gaia.com — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 21:23:04 GMT

Love you so much, Deb!

Hugs,

Nicole

Re: Mistrust - This Season's Virus

http://yhd52754.gaia.com — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 19:23:52 GMT

I thought Siona's words (over there in Nicole's group) were appropriate to remember, when we are tempted to believe the worst, about other people's
motives -

"I think it's important to make the decision to trust in a certain basic goodness, to trust that we really are doing the best we can, to trust in our own selves to be resilient, to trust in, as you put it so perfectly, the ability of the whole–of wholeness–to continue to emerge."

It was Siona's own example of trusting us, of having absolute confidence in our ability to work through whatever happens, and the concept of having to regain trust after a challenging relationship experience that finally brought it all clear for me.

Peace & Blessings
beloved Gaians -
Deb

Re: Mistrust - This Season's Virus

http://fastdarter.gaia.com — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 19:11:22 GMT

Wonderful words & google rank Number Two

Mistrust - This Season's Virus

http://yhd52754.gaia.com — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 17:18:48 GMT

As I was contemplating deeply, all that has transpired within our community this last week, and being triggered in my musings, by a concept that I found here in Nicole's new group, Mediation and Moderation, I realized the core issue of what happened recently.

It is the loss of TRUST.

I had this sickness over the Christmas holiday, many of you in our community, have had this sickness recently too. I hope not too many in this Living Metaphysics group have been afflicted. You are well immunized but there are always new variations out there that we sometimes fail to recognize.

I recognized this virus because someone in Nicole's group, talked about “regaining trust”. That is what is needed to heal the virus if you contracted it. That rampaging illness was what brought Nicole's group into being (which is the silver lining of all the hardship and pain it caused - see Nicole's recent thread in this room, asking for support. This new group is a very good thing for our community to receive). Consider that a place for healing community relationship illnesses of any kind.

In my own way, by my own personal actions on my own behalf on Sunday, I began to regain trust, by removing the most obvious source of illness from my own self - my mistrust of what might happen to me in the future, within the groups to which I belong and within this community.

I believe this is a concept most of us can accept and understand. It is never is about another person within the Gaian community, it is only a manifestation of illness taking hold. There is no one evil, there is no one bad, there is no one wrong; and yet, we often have misunderstood, why we were ill, and have thought those things in our delirium.

The first signs of this year's virus began just before Christmas, when some members of this community developed strong feelings of mistrust for a particular individual; and at the same time, that individual was losing her ability to trust the character and intentions of a certain private group, to which she belonged. Amazingly, it did not stop there but like any virulent organic critter began multiplying out of control at an alarming rate.

When one finds the core issue, it all becomes simple to explain.

I thank Siona for coming to that private group last night and for going quickly and prominently into this, Nicole's new group, yesterday.

On Sunday, I did a spiritual cleansing process out in my beloved wilderness, a combination of Radical Forgiveness and Life Visioning for my own self to heal from the illness, which rampaging through our community; though I did not realize it was an illness, at the time. I simply knew there was a need for healing in a portion of the Gaian community.

I understand now the vision I was given of Siona on Sunday.

The Christmas Star, shining above and over
all in the community
with her light of unconditional love
and her confidence
in the ability of the community, as a whole, to recover.

There are sometimes apparent fatalities (thank you Siona for fine tuning my perception of that effect) - those that leave the community over an incident. Some of them actually surprise us by recovering and come back to us. With others, we must simply accept their choice, if they leave us for good.

Any who are able to remain standing, still in this community after having the illness, will recover with time. I have complete confidence in that truth and that is what Siona expressed to us last night in that private group.

Isn't that a beautiful understanding to start the day with ?

Deb, shining in health this morn