Im about to be a caretaker

Im Shannon. Im a 31(Feb 4th) yr old recovering addict NEWLY  recovering and my mom had colon ca ncer after she got half of it removed she got kidney, pancreatic and lung cancer. Right now she ids living with my cousin who is so strung out on opiates my mom ends up takin care of her so i begged my mom to move into the huge bedroom that i have on feb 1st she already paid Jan but shes thinking about it Im sure she will I want to wash hr clothes and hold her when she sick we dont even know if it has spread I got a feeling shes scared to know and im going to her doctor and asking Tues and seeing if i can give her herbs too This woman mkes more work or my mom and im telling the doctor that too so I will have him tell her to move in also she scared to upset her cousin but she sleeps or nods out all day from her meds and she doesnt clean a dish or  wash a towel or cook i wanna take care of my mommy!!She knows its her best option

Re: Im about to be a caretaker

My reply to this appears to have been deleted, wondering why? Just as well I sent a mail too.

Re: Im about to be a caretaker

i am moving in with my mom next month. I stay with her at least once a week and I clean for her and just try to be there. She doesnt like to think or talk about her illness so this is hard for me because I want to know.. No one else bothers her about it or makes n effort to see her she has to go to them but im always like mom is everything ok? mom whatd the doctor say/ but what does that mean? She tells me she doesnt know anythjing but its only because she doesnt want to hear anymore bad news.I hate to say it but I fweel like shes sicker for some reason. They did a MRI of her brain so well know in a week if it spread up there. shes been taking light chemo. I just want at least a remission so I can catch my breath from her long bout with colon cancer and now this. I cant see her doctor as i have school everyday. Maybe I could call. even if she doesnt want to know i do!  I want to know what were battling so I can be fully prepared.This is my mommy:( I need to know if we can fight this and if she doesnt want to how can I make her want to be strong enough to want to live? I know she cant live forever but shes too young and she has it in her o fight but shes also a manic depressive who will give up if she thinks its too bad. Thats why I gotta be with her when Im not at school because what if something happens? I want to be by her side. I wanther to get old and let me love her but shed rather die young. I cant help but feel like im really gonna be taking care of two ppeople my aunt broke her back 25 years ago and shes on major pain meds so she doesnt move off the couch unless she falls off so mom is stuck taking care of her..Ill make her get up and stop nodding out. Im gonna be living out of a suitcase and sleeping with my mom. but they say we will get a bigger place we need to so we can all have our own space.Thanks for lettin me vent any suggestions will be welcome

Re: Im about to be a caretaker

Shannon,  If you can't visit your mothers doctor for information, perhaps you could write? If your mother is also manic depressive medication can be important for this too . Have you seen the special boxes that take a weeks medication with separate dosages for each day? one of these may help you to keep track if your mum is taking her meds properly.
Have you looked into local statutory and voluntary  help available locally? As I am in UK, i am not aware what is available over where you live, but I strongly recommend you find out before 
you start caring full time so that systems are in place to support you and your mother.  Your mother may be coping with the situation by denial, it is not unusual, but there may come a time when she is ready to talk and I imagine you being quite sensitive to her needs in this respect, smetimes the best way is to simply be there and just listen and respond rather than trying to force the issue. You say she would rather die young, this also may be due to the depression phase of the manic depression, so I suggest you consult with her Droctor on this too. Apart from the back problem is your aunt likely to be supportive on the emotional level?
Sending much love, your mum is fortunate to have such a caring daughter

PS i found this link on the net which I think covers your area

http://www.dmoz.org/Health/Senior_Health/Caregiver_Support/

Re: Im about to be a caretaker

You're a brave lady to step into this role. All of us at some point get the chance to be caregiver and also the caretake -ee. It is always bittersweet.

My mother and I moved all of the furniture out of our living room in our one bedroom apartment so that we could move her mother, my grandmother, in with us so she could die with family. All of our stuff went into storage and her hospital bed was moved into the living room. It was so scary because we didn't have a clue as to what we were getting ourselves into or how long she would be with us. Weeks? Months? We were not going to let her die alone in  a nursing home.

I'm hoping that your mother has a power of attorney so that they or you can have access to all her information, be able to sign checks for her in case she can't do it herself, and be able to make decisions if she becomes unable to respond. It would be wise if you could figure out a way to have that happen so that if the worst happens you are prepared legally for it.

As for her wanting to live or not I doubt that if she had any hope of living she would choose to give up. I believe that as human beings our instinct to survive is very strong. It would help her so much if you were able to find out what the actual prognosis is and what exactly her chances are of survival. It would not be fair to her if she were told that she has a great chance of survival when the doctors have decided that the chances aren't that great. I would want to know what I'm up against if I were in her situation. Then I would want to make my own choice about whether or not to fight it or not.

Do you have your own place to stay where you can spend some time taking care of yourself? It's very important that you give yourself plenty of time to relax. It's not healthy to stay in a place that has two very sick people unable to care for themselves for long periods of time. You need a place that reminds you about life and living. The world sort of comes to a screeching halt as you take on the caretaker role. Life goes on outside the room but you feel disconnected from it. There has to be some time that you can re connect with life even if it is going to the grocery store and interacting with the cashier!

Venting here is also a great thing. There are so many people who understand what this process is like, that it can be years or only weeks, that you are in the caregiver role. That the toll on your emotional and mental health is great. We can hold each other's virtual hand here and give a virtual shoulder to lean and cry on.

You are a blessing to this world that you care enough to give of yourself to your mother. Not many choose to do so of their own free will. It is the greatest of gifts.

Amber

Re: Im about to be a caretaker

  I have been in your shoes for two years now.  The decision you have made is very noble, and will test every ounce of strength you have.  My mom was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer two years ago.  She is also bipolar, and a drug addict.  We've been estranged for most of my life, so this has been an interesting adventure.  I get paid by the state I live in to take care of her.  Your mom may be eligible for the same kind of situation.  Research as much as you can on her diagnoses, learn what to watch for, and how to manage symptoms.  Do not forget as you go on this journey, the importance of your own recovery.  Only when one is whole do they have the power to heal another.  I wish you both the best through this spot in the journey, you are a wonderful daughter, and your time spent with your mom will enlighten you both every step of the way.

Re: Im about to be a caretaker

Well Im here its a little frustrating because Im doing all the cleaning and cooking to make my mom eat organic fruits and veggies  have to force her or  find out how to make her like it. My probllem is my disabled drug addict aunt she thinks since Im taking care ofmy mom she doesnt have to do anything at all. I am still moving out of my apt but staying here full time. I am making a private space for myself moving in a little at a time. My mom is on drugs for pain, anxiety and depression. I think my sister is talking to her doctor today, if not Im getting my mom to give the doctor permission to talk to me. She doesnt have brain cancer so it didnt spread there.I want to know so i  can prepare but shes scared to know.Its hard thank you guys for being here. My mother is on disability and Im disabled too from a bad car accident and Im about to be on disability.  They dont have a fund where I can take care f her, but Im applying for grants.

Re: Im about to be a caretaker

Shannon, I posted on your blog, sorry I can't help with financial suggestions, but I don't know the system over there, My Mum gets an attendance allowance because she needs care.do the have a grant system over there?

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Everything is going to be ok. My aunt is a pain but my mom and I are dealing with it. I ike spending time with my mom and bringing her little things home. She cant go out her nose is infected by chemo. I think its bad and she knows because when I bring it up she finds an excuse to walk away. my aunt said shes not ready to talk about it and something about a living will. i know theres more to the story and my mom would hide it from me to protect me but Im ready to hear and deal with whatever it is. The doctor wont tell me anything without my moms permission and she wont give it. so how am I supposed to prepare for her dying? I have 3 sisters all younger that are my moms real kids. i need to know what to do to deal with it.They got her on oxycontin now and I dont want her to like them and become like my aunt. I dont know worrying about her isnt helping though. I have faith it will work out

Re: Im about to be a caretaker

Hi Shannon, if her nose is infected you could try some natural garlic capsules, it is a natural anti viral and anti bacterial, the active ingredient in the garlic is allicin, allicin is killed if heat treated, so it must be cold pressed garlic capsules, dose as advised on the packet. Manuka honey is also good, but it is expensive, it comes in different strengths, 5 - 25 I think.

Re: Im about to be a caretaker

Shannon,

You don't need to know anything about your mother's condition to be there for her.  No one knows the hour of their death but if you believe in your heart and instincts that is where she is headed you can accept that it is so and that you will be there for her until she takes that final step where you can not go with her.

Think of yourself as your mom's midwife.  Instead of helping her to birth her baby, you are helping her by walking along this difficult path, possibly to her death, with her.  Know that she feels VERY alone in this.  You are not feeling her pain, her fear nor are you the one who has to let go of this life and die.  Whenever you feel shut out and alone during this process, know that you are in some way feeling exactly as she is - alone.  In those moments, you can always and ever be there with her quietly.  Letting her know you care is all you can really do beyond whatever little assistance you can give with daily needs - cleaning house, cooking meals, washing clothes.  In any of these kinds of things you do, feel gratitude that you feel well enough to do them.

As to the pain medicines.  Do not fear for her to take them.  Someone who is dying can not become addicted.  It is her right to have whatever comfort her doctor knows how to give her.  Of course, you want her lucid to be able to interact with her.  I understand this but at some point you will have to be content with a connection that is beyond words.  Might as well begin practicing that now.

Now, I will get radical and propose this - what if she doesn't die?, what if she lives on for 5 - 10 - 15 or 20 more years?  Well, it will simply be cause for celebration.  She can always overcome any “addiction” if she chooses but when she does and she goes on to live an extended and happier life, you will both know the closeness that this battle allowed you to develop with one another.

Nothing I've suggested denies or stands in the way of that hopeful outcome.  Death is, Life is, the moment is NOW and it is all both of you will ever have.  Live it well.

All the best,

Deborah

Re: Im about to be a caretaker

Thanks guys or girls I mean. I  am taking my mom to chemo today and talking to her doctor. she doesnt want to knmow but I need to know what Im dealing with and to tell my sisters so they wioll take more responsibility. Because Im not the most stable person but I am trying hard to staay in the present moment with her I just want to know the severity and treatment plans. Its so hard right now because Im cleaning two houses buying food for mom and basically cooking and cleaning. Im slackin on my homework and therapy but I gotta get out of that apt and fully into this condo. I am waiting on social security and looking for a grant.

Re: Im about to be a caretaker

Have you had any luck with the grants and social security yet Shannon?