Share Your Stories

Pretty much what this says, it’s a space to share your stories about your challenges, progress, ideas, what you learned from past relationships, etc. Thanks for sharing! in Love and Light, Laurie

Re: Share Your Stories

many years ago I was in a string of short-term relationships that, looking back, were very dysfunctional – I didn't know why, but I was really clear that things weren't working well – I took a four-year break from being in a relationship and vowed not to get involved again until I could figure out how to be in relationship in a healthier way – I immersed myself in the question: What must I learn in order to be capable of sustaining the kind of deep, intimate relationship I long for? I lived and breathed that question for four years, and wow, did the lessons ever pour in!

after that period of time, I was in a relationship for 10 years – I really thought he was “the one” – and I guess he was, for a time – I learned a huge amount about relationship during those years, and we experienced a great deal of joy together – but ultimately I outgrew him and tired of his passive approach to his life and to our relationship

then I was in a relationship with someone else for 5 years – it started out incredible, and we had very deep and soulful sharing in some ways – yet ultimately I think we were terribly mismatched in some ways (primarily in the emotional literacy realm) – the relationship looked great on paper, but that's not where relationship happens – I ended that relationship last fall and am still in the midst of processing what happened and learning from it – I'm at another one of those points in my life of not wanting another relationship until I'm confident that the same thing won't happen again (being drawn to someone who didn't have much capacity for intimacy due to rigid defenses) – I'm hoping I won't be wandering in the desert for another 4 years, but I'm committed to learning the lessons I need to learn, however long that takes

both of my long-term relationships have been wonderful learning opportunities for me – in addition to learning a lot about what I want and don't want in a relationship, I've had very pure experiences in both relationships of feeling free to express aspects of myself that are very important to me – the first relationship was filled with humor and also taught me a lot about approaching my life in less structured ways – the second relationship was an opportunity for me to experience being truly open and also in touch with my deep feminine aspect – the relationships were valuable preparation for a truly healthy relationship, and I'm now much more solidly connected with my authentic self, which I'm certain is a big part of the process of manifesting my true partner

Re: Share Your Stories

i started what i just posted in a different thread Kira and only found your words when i remembered that there was a thread called share your stories. Im struck by the similarity of the 'four years in the wilderness' experiences. You raise a point which to my mind is extremely important from my own lessons which is how to deal with the outgrowing each other issue. Just how do people deal with this and where or how (or indeed if) do we decide to compromise or to move on?

Its difficult and Im sure needs to be discussed at an early stage  with agreements being made that, however perfect, it is 'now' and things may change. Im sure that having this agreed at an early stage will help with all sorts of rejection or closure issues in the long run.

This is one of the things that I find ludicrous about the marriage ceremony, promising all of your tomorrows - when we often have no idea of whats around the next corner. People inevitably outgrow each other and whilst often those changes help the other to grow too and  are/can be part of a very healthy relationship, there are often changes which we just cant go along with - or rather, the relationship cant go along with and are destructive.

Just a thought.

With Love.

Trish

Re: Share Your Stories

hi Trish,

I think it’s a great idea to have agreements at the beginning of a relationship, but my own experience tells me that doesn’t necessarily guarantee a thing – in one of my relationships, we agreed at the beginning that we had something going that was incredibly deep and special, and that if we ever had a sense that the relationship was in trouble, we’d seek couples therapy and really hang in with the process to see if we could come out the other side – when that time came, we had a couple of very difficult sessions and then he decided that therapy (or relationship coaching) wouldn’t help and that he didn’t want to spend the money – he essentially withdrew his energy from the relationship but wouldn’t take responsibility for the fact that he wasn’t present anymore – things got really bad at one point and I woke up to the fact that we’d passed a point of no return (because he refused to work on things), so I called it quits – then HE went ballistic on me for breaking our commitment – go figure

I agree that sometimes people outgrow each other, and sometimes people grow at different paces or in different directions – that’s a big piece of why I’m not into the idea of marriage – I can’t say today how I’ll feel about much of anything in five or ten years – and I certainly won’t promise to stay with someone who bails emotionally – being in a relationship with someone who’s present 5% of the time ain’t my idea of intimacy

Re: Share Your Stories

Hi Folks,
I have been pondering upon some of the various issues raised here for a lifetime it seems. After a series of failed relationships I have since had long periods of celibacy - the longest being a five year bash - in the end each time, I broke my fast from sheer needing of touch and experiencing the closeness of another human being, those so basic needs in all of us - not necessarily sex, but just sharing physical intimacy and closeness with another person.

Just last year I broke a four year fast with a one night stand and when I came to my senses I was shouting the question at myself of 'why?' - it wasnt until I was discussing all this with my friend that she pointed out that in my quest to protect myself from pain I was actually causing it. I realised that by keeping myself so insular that the walls I was building to defend myself were actually fencing me within them.

Having stated the above though, I really dont think the time was wasted. I have grown into the knowledge that the choices are in fact actually mine to make - rather than being pressured by societies (or friends or familys) expectations of the norm, as in long term single being somehow a bit odd - I embrace it and acknowledge many of its aspects, not least when I see my friends in ongoing dysfunctional relationships because they have long since outgrown each other but are stuck when it comes to finding a way out.

The choices are also now mine to make with hindsight, something which was so lacking in my earlier years. My Mum died when I was only 4 - wow - that is 49 years ago - and I am an early example of a single male parent household. My two sisters and myself, in retrospect, were bred to breed, almost as if it was our expected duty to procreate. I can still see my Dads face when I stated that I wanted to stay at school and get a good education - his expression was one of shock and horror - his words were “but you're a girl! you are going to have babies” - before too long thats just what I did. Just after I was 21 I had my third child.

I guess this is the place to update you and add that I am now finally in my third year of university, studying social sciences - HOORAY !

In retrospect I see myself for many years floundering, struggling to tread water and hopelessly lost.
I got out of the abusive relationship with my childrens father after 10 years and I see myself as a very feeble little thing indeed at that stage  - I am never going back to being anything like that person - never. (actually, I know I am that person but that is for another ponder - tee hee)

Chuckles - Im still hopelessly lost but I now have effiecient signposts, I know now which way to turn and do so with confidence - even if that confidence is coloured with trepidation at times, I still know that my choices are my own, as are the possible results of those choices.
I began to ponder the teachingsof the I Ching and of the Tao Te Ching when I was about 19 - one of my better choices in those years as they have lead to many observations and as with all my other experiences, to the the forming of the self that I am today.

I actually set out in this letter  to tell you of a book I read recently by Taisha Abelar. The book is called The Sorcerers Crossing: A Womans Journey. The forewords are written by Carlos Casteneda and I do so highly recommend getting hold of a copy of it. I got mine quite easily from amazon and it was very affordable. Its quite a shock in places and goes into lots of seemingly impossible meditations. In  otherplaces it is outrageously real too and with a quirky humour. She speaks of the expectations on women to procreate and how this colours many of our ideas ( and ideals too ) in relationships and of others in general.She refers to some of the questions raised here as 'energy lines' which are left at the end of relationships - or encounters.
I imagine this book is just as good a read for men too - for any person who wants to understand themselves  and others better.

My journey now leads me to wanting changes in all of this aloneness - I feel ready now to want to share what I am  - or is that to move on to become what I want to be and to explore these ideals of togetherness - who knows, it may just be time to grow with another person, together, to become one - either way - Thank You All, for being here - now, and for helping me to figure things through - ahhhh, such serendipity!!!!

With Love,

Trish

PS
A further thank you because I am going to use some of this in my profile - I have been wondering what to say - but this is who I am

Re: Share Your Stories

Trish, you might be interested in the discussion here in the Healthy Boundaries pod

I'm about the same age as you, and I'm exploring some similar things around how patterns in my life have led me to be so alone, and I'm wanting to make some changes – the thread above discusses some of what I'm working with, and other pod members have jumped in with very intriguing contributions, so we're having quite a juicy discussion

I got my tubes tied when I was 29 after looking for a doctor for 7 years who'd perform the surgery – most doctors just refused to do it on someone in their 20s, and one doctor even suggested that I might leave the appointment and run into Mr. Right (which, even if it had happened, would have no bearing on my desire to not have kids) – my parents both thought I was making a terrible mistake, and my mother kept hounding me to reconsider – finally I just said to her, “look, I'm going to get this done – you can either support my wishes, or you can keep hounding me and drive a wedge in our relationship” – that shut her up  :)

it was incredibly empowering to make my own decision about not having children – it was incredible to claim that much autonomy in my life and to be utterly clear that no one else got a vote in that decision – the act of claiming that autonomy has fueled other acts of autonomy that keep moving me along my life path in ways that feel great – and I think whenever in our lives we claim our autonomy, it gives us lots of wonderful fuel for living more true to ourselves – along those lines, congratulations on being in college and going for your dreams!