1. Identifying Negative Patterns

Negative patterns obstruct our search for fulfillment

Re: 1. Identifying Negative Patterns

The journey towards the center of our heart
has the potential to be our most rewarding journey of all

Just how important is love?
If we make a list of the most important things in life
for most, love will be amongst the top
….as important is life itself

So many poems written about it
So many books, articles, conversations
So much joy from it, so much celebration about it
so much industry built around it

At the same time
so much pain from it,
so much loneliness, so much fear
so much heartache, so much jealousy
so much anger, violence, murder and suicide surrounding it

To some, it is like a spiny, exotic fruit
delicious once we get past the dangerous peel

Love is something so fundamental to us
and such a necessary quality for a healthy life
We make great efforts
in search of our ideal companion
but all too often, we encounter obstacles
Sometimes these obstacles are in ourselves
and other times, they are in others

When a relationship fails
it is due to the combination of obstacles in ourselves or in others
just as when we cannot dance with our partners
the two partners must be out of step with each other

In a sense
even if the obstacles mostly reside with our partner
for example, if our partner is a hardened drug addict
the failure is ours alone
because our willingness to engage with such a partner
is entirely arisen from our own choice
Though we may feel mental pressures
nobody is putting a gun to our head
to get involved with a partner

When a relationship does not work
and it must come to an end
there is a time of mourning, grieving and reflection
This time is valuable
Not only does it give us a much needed break
from the potential stress of a dysfunctional relationship
but it gives us valuable time to reflect
and do a post game analysis on what went wrong
and as the old adage goes….
If we don't learn from our mistakes
we are bound to repeat them

We are creatures of habit
we WILL repeat our negative habits
if we don't identify and transform them
Habits have a bad rap….they aren't all bad!
they are what gives us our edge as human beings
For instance, as you read these words
it is only possible to get the information encoded in them
due to your habituation of words and language
Learning and memory
are ways to create habits

Habits, therefore aren't intrinsically bad
What we must do
is remove those negative habits that bring us suffering
and replace them with positive ones that bring us joy

The first thing that we must recognize
is that we may have very little power to change another persons bad habits
His Holiness the Dalai Lama wrote in his book: “Mind in Comfort and Ease”:

“What we call this mind of ours is a very curious thing. On the one hand, a very minor condition can bring about a change in our mind. But on the other hand, if someone else tries to bully us, no matter how hard they try, our mind just gets more and more stubborn. Yet if we ourselves are motivated, in both our hearts and our minds, we will be able to forge ahead with indefatigable effort and without paying too much attention to any difficulties.”

How often, and how frustrating when our partners are resolute and stubborn? Haven't we all experienced this on BOTH sides?

Since we have little or no control over others
(we need to learn that “control” is the furthest thing we want in a genuine, loving relationship)
It is therefore up to us
to reflect deeply upon our own situation
to work on ourselves
so that we can bring the best that we can
to any future relationship


In a sense, our partners are always pointing out our suffering to us
but just as His Holiness notes, we don't always receive criticism very well!
When others point out our faults
we often become reactive and take offence
It doesn't help either if our partner becomes judgmental and the criticism transforms from constructive to destructive
If we have been surrounded by people
who have only heaped destructive criticism upon us
criticizing us, but not reinforcing that criticism with genuine love
then even if someone new were to offer constructive criticism
our minds may be habituated to simply reacting and going into a defensive posture

It is really best then,
that WE take responsibility
and LOOK at our own behavour
that way,
we see objectively and avoid bringing
unnecessary emotion baggage into the analysis
this, however requires integrity
it is useless to do this
if we are not going to be honest with ourselves about it
better to be honest then
and admit to ourselves that we REALLY DON'T WANT TO CHANGE
instead of wasting time and energy
in a game of inner charade and self-deceit
As Bob Marley sang in his song “Runnin Away”:
Runnin yes your runnin, yes your runnin away….but you can't run away from yourself”

How do we identify?
…easy…just follow the trail of suffering

We know our own suffering very well
so all we need to do in this first step
is look at our suffering that has arisen in relationships
and examine the dynamics that led to it
See what role we played in it

If we have had what we perceive as failures
in past relationships
then see how we contributed to that failure
look at it objectively
there's no point looking for blame
that simply colors and biases our search
rather look as if you are a detective
gathering clues and trying to assemble them together
to get the big picture

Identifying is just the first step

The process towards fulfillment in your relationships is a 4 stage process consisting of:

1. Identifying those deeply rooted negative habits within us
2. Uprooting them
3. Identifying positive habits that are beneficial for a fulfilling relationship
4. Cultivating these beneficial habits

This process is akin to farming. Think of yourself as a farmer
who is trying to grow and harvest a new crop:

First, you must find a plot of potentially arable land and you must identify any plant which is not beneficial to your harvest that is presently growing there

Second, you must uproot those plants to create a field consisting of rich soil capable of sustaining your new crop

Third, you must identify and know which vegetable or fruit is beneficial to you and plant the seed

Fourth, you must nourish that seed with water, sunlight and fertilizer until it grows large enough to cultivate and harvest

Happy Farming! :D

Re: 1. Identifying Negative Patterns

Today, the headline on CNN was:

Study shows that 1/4 of South African men have raped women.

This is astounding and speaks to this issue of Identifying negative patterns

Anna was listening to the radio on her way home today
and the radio program was about this study
Some of the comments of the men phoning in
showed just how widespread and deeply rooted
these very dangerous ideas are

It is no wonder why South Africa has the highest incidence of rape in the world
A very sad statistic indeed
which points to deeply rooted negative patterns of behavour

How can a society operate
when the men are so disrespectful of women
on such a basic level?

The men of this country
need to seriously examine their habitual thoughts and behavour surrounding women
That huge segment of men of South Africa
who feel it is their god given right
to do as they please with a woman
must look directly at the suffering they bring
study it deeply
They need to stop using social morales as a guide
and begin to listen with their hearts
Don't your eyes tell you of the pain you are causing?

Look past the social norms
and look deeply into your hearts

Re: 1. Identifying Negative Patterns

how very shocking and disturbing.

i hope this process of sharing openly about it will lead to healing and growth.

thank you Gien for pointing to a better way,

love,

nicole

Re: 1. Identifying Negative Patterns

We will work with the aware
the woman who have been victimized
and among them
the few brave enough to speak up
to say that this is wrong

We must amplify those couragous few
so that the others can overcome tradition and fear
and demand basic respect of human dignity

Re: 1. Identifying Negative Patterns

well said and done!

love,

nicole

Re: 1. Identifying Negative Patterns

The rape crisis and violence in SA, my country of birth, is formidable. Education, mindsets needing work.

To move onto something lighter… my negative patterns
In some ways I feel I've left the most obviously destructive ones behind me
which also brought me to end my previous marriage about 7 years ago. A range of negative codependent patterns. A sense of needing which my partner could never fulfill. An attraction to that which can never bring happiness. I think my biggest negative pattern was not to listen to my inner voice - ignoring signs and letting wishes obscure reality.
One of my biiig negative patterns these days is… mmm should I share this…
ok you must promise not to tell though! Hanging out in my pj's all day when I dont have to go out.

Re: 1. Identifying Negative Patterns

This is indeed a perilous and dangerous road you are walking on, my love! :D
Imagine all the things that could happen!

What if guests unexpectedly show up?
What if there's an emergency and you have to go out?
What if…

Re: 1. Identifying Negative Patterns

oh no! how awful… what if what if….

trying not to burst out laughing, failing


:):)

Re: 1. Identifying Negative Patterns

I must admit I am guilty too
but for other reasons…COLD!
It's cold here in South Africa in the winter!
It got down to 0 Deg. C the other day
and the thing with South Africa is
there's no central heating inside the buildings!
It does get that cold!
…and no heating for 3 months

so I myself
have been wearing long johns underneath my clothing
to stay warm
It's basically like living outdoors while indoors
long johns are my form of PJ's I guess! :D

Re: 1. Identifying Negative Patterns

0 degrees? O, you West Coasters are so spoiled lol that's a balmy day in a Montreal winter! :)

but without central heating it does get cold, i remember being in England in 1979-1980… brr so wear those long johns if it helps!

Re: 1. Identifying Negative Patterns

LOL Nicole - sounds like a 'country-sibling' thing going on!

I think SA is actually in denial that we have a winter at all! Our clothing is not designed for the cold, as for our buildings - as Gien always says - we may as well be outside! So for 3 months of the year it gets cold - out of the 3 months actually its only really cold for about a month and a half

Re: 1. Identifying Negative Patterns

lol, good catch, :)

well, it gets really really cold here but i am grateful our houses are built for it and we are snug and warm when inside…

Re: 1. Identifying Negative Patterns

I asked Genie what he sees as my negative patterns -
He says I sometimes have a sense of 'right and wrong' which closes me off and makes me intolerant which prevents me from flowing well in certain situations and the other is I'm unfocused in terms of making money - he also used the word underdeveloped…

I know what he means. A couple of instances came to light while we were discussing this. For example I am really uncomfortable in shopping centres - he's able to just go with the flow but I rather not go. And in company where there's a lot of 'small talk', jokey talk relating to sexism for example… also when I feel someone has overt qualities which are harmful to others or themselves. Another example is when I feel uncomfortable about beggars coming to the window of my car - I feel bad and don't always know how to respond, so I become tense and closed towards them. I have talked about this 'shadow' in the Walking the Labyrinth group… Generally these are times when instead of being open and loving I find myself withdrawing.

And the financial thing… mm i havent worked that one out yet. I've looked at the obvious stuff people throw around about 'not feeling deserving', etc and dont really feel this applies to me but I'm not quite sure what it's about. I work very hard - but almost everything I do is voluntary - I think it may be something to do with the sense of freedom I need to feel. When work is being paid for I generally find freedom seems to fly out of the door. I remember the sense of utter stiflement I felt the one short time I worked in an office 9-5 situation and subsequently I have vowed never ever to work for a boss again. I do graphic design work for payment - though very often I also do it on a voluntary basis too for organisations which are in themselves serving the community. When I do my design work I really need to have a free hand - otherwise I'd rather not do it at all… so I tend to have a few clients who love my work and work comes in when they have it for me. I love teaching yoga and art classes - but am reluctant to spend huge amounts of energy on promotion - because that's not all I want to do. I love counselling and - yes - I do it on a voluntary basis… I would like to do a Life Coach training too. I love my varied days filled with different activities.

I have a sense though that I'll soon 'snap' something into place which will resolve my income issues - could be running self growth workshops is the direction I need to explore more deeply. I've been writing workbooks for these and started 'Walking the Labyrinth' courses. I know it's crucial that I follow my heart and passion. This has been a helpful exploration - I have more insight even though it's not all resolved.

Re: 1. Identifying Negative Patterns

I can related very much to that closing in situations where I am not enjoying myself and feeling uncomfortable about people coming to the car window. The closing also happens when I become angry.

It sounds like you really enjoy what you do - I could see you doing very well with self growth workshops. It will be interesting to see what develops.

love,

nicole

Re: 1. Identifying Negative Patterns

Yes, Nicole - I have a sense of excitement as I look forward to seeing what develops!
Re the instances of the heart closing - I must just keep working on it with awareness.

hugs