2. Uprooting Negative Habits

Once we've identified our Negative Habits, how do we uproot them?

Re: 2. Uprooting Negative Habits

Re: 2. Uprooting Negative Habits

Tharlam, yes, fear is a big one.

My biggest fear, I think, is being alone. This is what has propelled me back into a relationship I don't think is working again and again.

The way I am seeking to uproot this fear is simply to be with it whenever it arises and care for it. To remind it that even if I do find another relationship I am still ultimately alone. To savour deeply the joys of solitude, for they are many and varied.

I am determined to break the pattern of trying to cling to someone from whom I need space, or trying to find someone else again right away so I don't have to face loneliness.

love,

nicole

Re: 2. Uprooting Negative Habits

Re: 2. Uprooting Negative Habits

i find it intriguing what you said about relationships becoming shorter and shorter. you could figure out much more quickly that they were not what you were looking for and you gave yourself the space to move on. i realise that that is one thing i noticed, not about my relationships per se but about people i was attracted to, that i was able to figure out more quickly that it wasn't going to work. so that is another plus. i guess i'm not hopeless after all!

you talk about breaking an addiction - it has felt like that for me, and like many people who are breaking an addiction go to 12 step meetings and are accountable to someone who has been through it, one of the things that helps me is to have friends who have said, “if you feel the urge to call him, call me first.”  I haven't felt the urge yet, but it's so grounding just to know those people are out there to talk to if I need them.

my life isn't that much different on the outside, because i already know what i really want to do, and find it easy to enjoy that. but it feels different on the inside.

about keeping a journal - i used to blog a fair bit here as a way of processing. i'm finding that i'm appreciating dialoguing more at the moment rather than blogging but am open if the energy shifts toward blog or journal.

Re: 2. Uprooting Negative Habits

You are far from hopeless, Nicole! I see so many great qualities in you. Your willingness to grow is a great strength. My sense is your shift to dialogue from monologue is a good one for you.

Yes, the relationships became shorter and shorted as I got better and better at listening to what was coming up for me and speaking my truth with courage. I learned to end things which were not feeling right and very importantly - I started acknowledging signs - rather than overriding them with wishes.

Addiction is really rough to deal with - I am so glad you are well surrounded with support. It seems you're taking all the steps you need to win this battle, including joining our group.

It sounds like you have a good sense of direction and determination

love

Re: 2. Uprooting Negative Habits

Hi Nicole,

Yes, Anna and I were talking about “uprooting negative habits” this morning as we were deciding what threads are meaningful for this group.

As we discussed this, what came to mind was that if we don't learn from our mistakes, we are bound to repeat them.

I'm so glad that you've recognized this, that “being alone” is not the reason to be in a relationship. Your experience has been your greatest teacher.

I've actually just made a long post here
you may find this insightful

Many Blessings

Re: 2. Uprooting Negative Habits

hello anna and gien,

thanks so much for the loving encouragement. i'm going to read that post now…

that's so beautiful. i just love this part:

Actually, when we find the brilliant light within ourselves
we find it in others at the very same time
When we realize we already posess that which we have always sought
then we can relax and simply be
and the light will shine effortlessly as it was meant to
and that effortless and unconditional shining forth
willl naturally attract others to you
as a light attracts fireflies

Let go of everthing
and everything will come to you

Re: 2. Uprooting Negative Habits

For myself, Tharlam, I think that impermanence, if seen from a different perspective is actually the key to living a sacred life

If we knew we were going to die in a week, wouldn't we all consider saying things we might otherwise not?….wouldn't we say “I love you” to people we wouldn't otherwise say that to right now?

In other words, doesn't the awareness of our own impermanence make us appreciate others more?

…but isn't life really like this? Nobody knows if they will be around in the next second. You could have a heart attack and bam, you're gone!

We can use this impermanence to increase our love, to not be held back by fear. Take the opportunity now, for you could not exist in the next moment.

Be happy now, for the next moment may not arrive.

Many Blessings

Re: 2. Uprooting Negative Habits

Tharlam, thank you for thinking aloud - those are profound thoughts. What's so good about 'thinking aloud' is there's so often a high likelihood that others will resonate. Impermanence is such an important subject and I guess one has to be cautious of becoming nihilistic as a result of fear of it. You share how fear of being hurt grows from your previous experience which must have been very painful. You end your post with poignant questions from the heart

Re: 2. Uprooting Negative Habits

my negative habits? selfish..self centered. shameful qualities. how do i get rid of these? i always turn things around so they are pointed at me..so i can bash myself. how do i stop this? i am at a loss.

Re: 2. Uprooting Negative Habits

I feel its so amazing you see your negative qualities and are able to name them so easily - so many people shy away from admission of their negative traits. It seems to me half your battle has been won by your doing this. I guess you could spend time contemplating - the answers are always within. You can also draw up your list of wonderful aspects so you stop yourself from 'bashing' yourself lol! Violence within or without has never really helped anyone

Re: 2. Uprooting Negative Habits

well, i was thinking on it the other day, and that's what i realized. and i hate it, and i don't wish to be like that anymore. yes..think of my good aspects. that may help out..seeing as how i do not even think of me and my good traits. and that is true, violence never really helps..

thank you, anna!

Re: 2. Uprooting Negative Habits

Suni, sounds like you're needing to embrace your entire being, rather than focus minutely on aspects of self as that can cause one to see things out of proportion and in a distorted way.

So often when we hate something in ourselves - the problem lies in how we're seeing whatever it is. Sometimes a shift in perception can make all the difference. We too often respond to ourselves in ways we wouldn't to our worst enemy!

Sometimes it's just too difficult for us to work through these things on our own and a good therapist or anyone like this can be very helpful in assisting us to see ourselves more insightfully and kindly. A good spiritual teacher can also be helpful - as can a very good friend.

love